IN ALL my years of reviewing, I have never encountered anything quite like Billy Idol's version of Frosty the Snowman. For those of you who are understandably rushing to download it right this very minute, might I direct your attention in particular to the passage which goes "thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump, look at Frosty go, thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump, over the hills of snow", noting that Idol injects a spot of swing "attitude" to his interpretation.
Meanwhile, those of you who have gone one better and actually purchased the full album will already know that, while you are still recovering from an old punk's fond rendition of a kiddie's festive tune, he hits you with the next seasonal bombshell - a completely straight "turkey followed by figgy pudding" Val Doonican-style version of Silver Bells, which culminates with the old croc intoning the greeting "this is Billy Idol - I want to wish you a happy holiday and a very merry new year" in a voice which sounds like he has happily spent the past year imbibing last Christmas's crate of malt.
Not since David Bowie duetted with Bing Crosby on Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy has there been such a bizarre festive creation as this Billy Idol Christmas album. Even so, it is not his first Yuletide offering. He tested the water last year on his Devil's Playground album with Yellin' at the Christmas Tree, an exuberant punk carol - with sleigh bells - about a drunken dad picking a fight with the foliage.
At the time, it sounded like the greatest, silliest Christmas song ever penned, and wouldn't it have been just dandy if he had more where that came from? Careful what you wish for, kids..
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Is Happy Holidays meant to be ironic? Despite some obvious tongue-in-cheek moments, I suspect that Idol is entirely sincere in this endeavour.
Here's the man himself, gushing from the sleevenotes: "Christmas is enigmatic, full of the magic of the human spirit. We do try to be better people for those few days. We proclaim certain virtues that are important to all from one to 92.
" Billy Idol - a man as famous for his sneer as his music - actually wrote that! He might as well change into a patterned sweater, perform with the Vienna Boys' Choir, film a Christmas special in the Alps (actually, that would be great..
.) and leave the hellraising to the 93-year-olds.
Happy Holidays is a rather magnificent concept, oddly executed.
Idol's versions of White Christmas, Winter Wonderland, Jingle Bell Rock and Let it Snow are pure cheese, featuring anachronistic arrangements not heard since those TV-advertised K-Tel compilations of the 1970s (which is not to say that they are not wondrous in their own surreal way), while Here Comes Santa Claus sounds like the would-be child-friendly efforts of someone who is not really sure what children are for.
If this is his pitch to become the 21st-century Andy Williams, it has to be said that his voice is just a tad too grizzled to pull off an acoustic version of Happy Holiday. However, that same rocker's throat serves him well on a gruff, bluesy Merry Christmas Baby and the Jerry Lee Lewis-style stomp of Run Rudolph Run.
He also gets to polish his Elvis sneer on the hip-swivellingly lascivious rock'n' roller Santa Claus is Back in Town and the pub singer's standard, Blue Christmas (also with spoken-word interlude).
By the end of the album, Billy is starting to sound tired and emotional. His rendition of O Christmas Tree is every bit as good as the guy who runs the karaoke at the local bowling club, and you can almost hear him choking back the sherry-soaked tears on Silent Night.
He manages to keep it together for an a capella Auld Lang Syne to round off the curious folly.
But Idol surely deserves this little indulgence? Some artists release albums of standards and play at being Frank Sinatra, others go and find a bunch of fabulous African or Latin American musicians to play with, but Billy just wants to spread some Yuletide cheer, even if that does mean frightening small children with the unintentionally sinister portrait on the album cover.
It has been a long time since I have enjoyed what is essentially a duff album quite so unashamedly. I have even listened to it more than once. I shall certainly play it on Christmas Day when my loved ones are not barricading the stereo.
Just like the Ronco Buttoneer and that bottle of Denim aftershave, Happy Holidays is the perfect Christmas gift.
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