"Nothing like the final week of the NFL regular season to get the competitive juices flowing, right, son?"
"You heard what Bill Belichick said: 'We're going to approach this game just like we do every other game.' So you know the fires are burning.
"
"If that's the case, who's playing quarterback for the Patriots?"
"Why, that's Matt Cassel, son. He's a backup to the stars -- Palmer, Leinart, Brady.
If I'm not mistaken, he backed up Y.A. Tittle, too.
"
"And what was that play the Patriots just ran?"
"That was the old Statue of Liberty play, son. Last year in the finale it was the drop-kick with Doug Flutie, so you know Coach Belichick is keeping them guessing.
"
"Looks more like he's just trying to get this thing over."
"Why do you say that, son?"
"The guy playing cornerback, who's that?
"
"It appears to be the team's film editor. Must be a reward for all his hard work in the darkroom."
"Must be a lot of team film editors getting into action this weekend, by the feel of things.
"
"Most of these games involve teams who are hopelessly out of the playoffs or teams that are alive for a playoff berth by an equation that is thinner than the thread Mom uses to fix buttons. Really, do you think the Bengals are holding out much hope that the hideous Raiders win in New Jersey or the Broncos lose at home to the 49ers? And do you think the Jaguars are thinking they can win in Kansas City and make the playoffs when the Jets lose to the Raiders and the Bengals lose to the Steelers?
Dad, honestly, this feels like major league baseball on Sept. 30 or, as Sean Payton, the Saints' coach, said: 'You can make an argument that it's no different from the fourth preseason game.' "
"Son, you believe what you want, but when Bill Belichick says, 'We're going to prepare to win,' that's good enough for me.
Hey, look, there goes Dante Scarnecchia and Pepper Johnson into the game."
NY Giants (-2 1/2) at Washington -- The Redskins have released cornerback Mike Rumph. Actually, still being in the holiday spirit, permit me to rephrase that: The Redskins have released cornerback Mike Rumph, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum. Pick: Redskins.
Arizona at San Diego (-13 1/2) -- Great minds, those egomaniacal Mannings. No way did spoiled brat Eli deserve to be in the middle of that mess that is San Diego. Who needs 72-degree, sun-splashed days 340 times a year?
No rain? What a pain, right daddy Archie? Why would your son want to hand off to LaDainian Tomlinson, or throw to Antonio Gates, or stay upright behind mountain men named Nick Hardwick, Kris Dielman, and Cory Lekkerkerker, then go to the sideline to watch Shawne Merriman cause havoc?
Better to flounder in New York amid a crescendo of boos and play the blame game along with Tiki Barber and Jeremy "I have something to say about everything" Shockey. pick: Cardinals.
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-6) -- Cincinnati has a chance to make the playoffs.
The Bengals need the Jets to lose or the Broncos to lose and the Chiefs to win. Of course, they also need for a half-dozen players to be granted work release. Pick: Bengals.
Detroit at Dallas (-12 1/2) -- "Just pitiful. I'm just stunned," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. I couldn't have agreed more.
The only thing is, I was thinking about this Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood thing; he was talking about his team's dismal performance against the Eagles. Pick: Cowboys.
Cleveland at Houston (-4) -- The Browns will start Ken Dorsey at quarterback.
Excuse me if I sit out that part of the festivities. But if the Jimmy Dorsey and Tommy Dorsey music starts a bit later, count me in. Pick: Texans.
Miami at Indianapolis (-9) -- Cleo Lemon, Joey Harrington, Jay Fiedler, Damon Huard, Ray Lucas, Sage Rosenfels, Brian Griese, A.J. Feeley, Gus Frerotte.
It's almost as if Dolphin management enacted a new team philosophy upon the retirement of Dan Marino: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses -- hey, and send along all the mediocre, weak-armed, slow-reacting journeyman quarterbacks you can find, too." Pick: Colts.
Atlanta at Philadelphia (8) -- Embattled Falcons coach Jim Mora issued a plea for his job by declaring, "We've won the most games in the NFC South for three years.
" Wow, give yourself a huge pat on the back, Jim. Let's raise a toast and I'll ask the folks in Canton to push aside statues of Curley Lambeau and Paul Brown and make room for yours. You've won the most games in the NFC South for three years!
You're a regular Vince Lombardi, you are. Pick: Eagles.
Oakland at NY Jets (-12 1/2) -- What a remarkable story.
No, not the Jets. The Raiders. They've had seven games without an offensive touchdown.
They've scored just 12 offensive touchdowns all seasons. Heck, when it comes time to kick the extra point, they're not sure how to line up. Pick: Jets.
Jacksonville at Kansas City (-2 1/2) -- Would you blame either of these teams if they asked for a court order so they could gain immediate entrance to the NFC? Pick: Chiefs.
Carolina (-3) at New Orleans -- Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme, out of the lineup for a month with a sprained right thumb, is listed as questionable.
Then again, when he's healthy, Delhomme is questionable so far as many Carolina fans are concerned. Pick: Panthers.
Buffalo at Baltimore (-9) -- It has always bothered me that a football team is named after a bird made famous in a poem.
Especially a bird that's a member of the crow family. My vote was for the Baltimore Crab Cakes. Nothing says Baltimore like crab cakes, plus it's one of the top five foods you can eat.
Pick: Crab Cakes.
St. Louis (-2 1/2) at Minnesota -- OK, while we're changing things around with NFL franchises, how about getting rid of purple to represent the Vikings?
Who wears purple anything, except for that nauseous dinosaur the kids like? Keep the Viking/Scandinavian theme, by all means. Maybe blue and yellow, the Swedish flag, which has always been one of my favorites.
Pick: Vikings.
San Francisco at Denver (-10 1/2) -- When I reflect on my favorite things, right up there with raindrops on roses, bright copper kettles, and warm woolen mittens (but not whiskers on kittens), I have to include Thunder, the Broncos' majestic stallion/mascot, charging through a blizzard. It's looks so natural.
Pick: 49ers.
Seattle at Tampa Bay (-3 1/2) -- Your NFC West champion Seahawks, my friends, have beaten just one team with a winning record all season. But on the other hand, they've been served great soup by Matt Hasselbeck's mom.
Pick: Seahawks.
Green Bay at Chicago (3) -- It's being billed as possibly Brett Favre's final game in the NFL. Bears fans are hoping it plays out as Rex Grossman's last game of the season.
Pick: Bears.
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