I write books ("The Radio Producer's Handbook"), novels (coming soon--"$everance"), magazine articles (contributing editor at Shore Magazine), and ads (co-owner of A.M.I.
S.H. Chicago Advertising).
Now I also write a blog. Thanks for taking a look at it.
By Rick Kaempfer
*Lou Pinella named manager of the Cubs
CHICAGO, Illinois -- Lou Pinella was announced as the new manager of the Chicago Cubs this week.
New Cubs president John McDonough said he was looking for someone who understood Chicago and Cubs lore, but Lou's first news conference was a little shaky. Among his verbal gaffes:
+He said: "The White Sox won the World Series on the north side."
+He referred to the Magnificent Mile as "the Michigan mile.
"
+He said he would improve on-base percentage by "getting 8 midgets up there to walk."
+He said the Cubs were cursed by "The horse on the North Side."
=A man with no baseball experience is named president of a baseball team that hasn't won in 98 years.
He says the one requirement for a new manager is understanding the city and history of that baseball team. The man he hires shows he has no knowledge of the city or that baseball team in his introductory press conference. You still think God doesn't have a sense of humor?
*Grandma fruitcake flap
WILMINGTON, Delaware -- (AOL News) -- Lucille Greene, an 88-year-old grandmother, was trying to mail fruitcakes to friends and relatives when a postal worker asked her: "What kind of explosives do you have in here?" He shook the box, and laughed at her, leaving Greene upset and in tears. Still upset in the parking lot, she tripped over a concrete barrier and fell, breaking her glasses and chipping a tooth.
=There were no witnesses to the tooth-chipping incident. I say she chipped it trying to eat a fruitcake.
*Paul McCartney divorce gets even uglier
LONDON, England -- Paul McCartney's estranged wife Heather Mills is blabbing to the British tabloid press about what life was like with Paul.
She said he was violent, physically abusive, drank to excess, used drugs, and wouldn't allow her to breastfeed her child because "those belong to me".
=Not to be a McCartney apologist, but when Paul said "those belong to me," he was probably waving the receipt as proof-of-purchase.
*Tyson very serious about fighting women
YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio -- At a news conference to promote his return to boxing, Mike Tyson said he likely would fight only four rounds and that futured stops on his exhibition tour might included bouts against women, including Ann Wolfe.
Wolfe is 21-1, with 15 knockouts. Asked if he was serious or joking, he said "I'm very serious."
=He obviously hasn't thought this through.
When you bite off a woman's ear you're much more likely to choke on an earring.
*Woman gets ticketed for lewd bumper sticker
ATLANTA, Georgia -- (AP) -- An Athens Georgia woman was ticketed $100 for having an obscene bumper sticker on her car. The sticker said "I'm Tired of all the BUSHIT.
" A judge dismissed the ticket because the state's lewd decal law was ruled unconstitutional in 1990. The woman has now filed a lawsuit in a federal court seeking damages for "emotional distress."
=She picked her lawyer after seeing this bumper sticker on his car.
..
*Human species 'may split in two'
LONDON, ENGLAND -- (BBC News) Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge.
He predicts people will become choosier about their sexual partners, causing the genetic upper class to be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative, and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who will evolve into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.
=People will become choosier about sexual partners? I guess our descendants will be banning alcohol.
..and money.
*30 countries close to joining nuke club
VIENNA, Austria -- The head of the U.N. Nuclear Agency warned Monday that as many as 30 countries could soon have technology that would let them produce atomic weapons "in a very short time," joining the nine states known or suspected to have such arms.
=Republicans issued a statement blaming Bill Clinton. Democrats issued a statement blaming President Bush. 30 countries issued a statement thanking Democrats and Republicans for doing nothing except fighting each other.
*Controversy erupts over Madonna adoption
LONDON, England -- Madonna forcefully defended her adoption of a 1-year-old Malawain boy after he arrived by plane in London on Tuesday, rejecting criticism of her decision to offer the infant a home. The boy's biological father said he approved this arrangement without hesitation because the boy, David, previously lived in a poverty-stricken orphanage in Malawi.
=The boy was obviously conflicted.
He was overheard saying: "Last week I was eating flies. This week my biggest problem is making sure my security detail gets rid of the Paparazzi before I go outside to play with the Nanny and Gardener. Hmmm.
Where would I rather live?"
*Nevada may legalize marijuana
RENO, Nevada -- (AP) -- The Nevada ballot on November 7th includes a measure asking voters whether or not adults should be allowed to possess up to an ounce of pot that they could buy at government-regulated marijuana shops.
=If this passes, Pink Floyd will become the new Wayne Newton.
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