*****************************************************
Find out why you should never offend restaurant
staff - watch excellent new comedy, Waiting.
In cinemas from today, 19th May:
http://www.kontraband.
com/waiting
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"There's no way to be closer to my mother except
to live inside her, and that I've done that
already." - Steven Spielberg.
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POPBITCH _ _ _
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|_| |_| 18.
05.06 ISSUE 301
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.
com
Come in Kemal...
You're 15 minutes are up!
honestly writes:
"I was in the doctor's surgery the other night
and spotted Kemal from Big Brother. The
woman next to him did the classic "Excuse me,
I know you from somewhere, don't I?
" thing and
he rolled his eyes, did a big camp sigh and
said "Big Brother!". She looked doubtful
and said "No, I don't think so.
Did you used to
work in the hairdressers in Muswell Hill?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Big Brother Shabaz used to go around Glasgow
dressed as either Wonder Woman or Marilyn Monroe,
and encouraged people to call him "Paki Marilyn".
-----------------------------------------------------
Which northern Brit-pop singer is under no
illusions about the extent of his charms?
On tour in Hong Kong he pulled a British
expat in a club, but before they went back
to his hotel to have sex, he apologised
in advance for having such a small penis.
This England World Cup squad member wandered
into a Cobham tanning salon, and before
taking his sunbed, propositioned the manageress.
Being an accommodating sort, she simply shut
down the salon and joined him in one of
the tanning booths to enjoy his ball-action.
-----------------------------------------------------
Everton striker James Beattie is holidaying in Las
Vegas. Spotted this week in Tryst nightclub, wearing
jeans with the words 'Viva Las Vegas' embroidered on
the arse, drinking Cristal and $350 bottles of Vodka.
-----------------------------------------------------
Cyberman's putting it in now
How Doctor Who avoided sexing-up
The Cybermen returned to Doctor Who last
weekend.
They were invented by Dr Kit Pedler,
the programme's first scientific adviser back
in the 60s. His job very nearly went to another
doctor - Dr Alex Comfort, who went on to write
The Joy of Sex. Wonder what his monsters
would have looked like?
-----------------------------------------------------
Julia from Tatu says she's getting married to a
former Russian boy band star Vladik Topalov.
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Macaque Snack
Three bears prefer monkey to porridge
Sloth bears killed and ate a monkey last
week in front of horrified onlookers at
the Beekse Bergen Safari Park. One of
the enclosures contains sloth bears, great
apes and barbary macaques and, until now
has always been very peaceful, but for some
reason a group of sloth bears picked on
one of the macaques and started chasing it.
The monkey fled up on to a wooden pole but
one of the bears followed it and pulled
the terrified monkey off its perch with its
teeth. It then carried the monkey to its
den where three bears ate it.
Photos: http://tinyurl.
com/jghoq
-----------------------------------------------------
The camera at the start of Duran Duran's Girls On
Film is a Nikon MD-11. The director had planned to
use the MD-4 motordrive, on the Nikon F3, the 35mm
SLR of the day. But it sounded too quiet and smooth.
-----------------------------------------------------
Poor Heather Mills. It seems only yesterday that
she was enjoying her flirty courtship with Macca,
throwing the press and his family off the scent
by booking him into hotels under names like
Lord Jock of Dundee, Vladimir the Russian
Masseur and Mr. Patel.
Now marriage has come and
gone, and the British press is branding her
an evil, gold-digging monoped.
But aren't they missing something? Heather's
shortcomings (her personality, her problems
with truth, etc) are obvious - and yet Macca
still married her.
Why? There can be only one
explanation: Heather must be awesome in bed.
Instead of slagging her off, the papers should
be encouraging her to share the secret of her
sexual techniques.
Now THAT might be worth
the 200 million...
-----------------------------------------------------
A South African gold miner lost his leg in an
accident. Choking back the tears later he cried,
"It's over! who's gonna want a one legged gold
digger?
" Then his phone rang. "It's Paul McCartney."
-----------------------------------------------------
Pigs in wigs
BBC divas suffer porcine graffiti
BBC TV centre has a phantom graffiti artist
- with a thing about female newsreaders.
During the last week Fiona Bruce's photo has
had a picture of a pig stuck on it. When cleaners
removed it, The Phantom replaced it with a photo
of a Dalek, and stuck a new picture of a pig
on Natasha Kaplinsky.
-----------------------------------------------------
Lauren Bacall, spotted this week in a Paris
supermarket, buying incontinence pads.
-----------------------------------------------------
Mr_manager writes:
"During the 90s I was involved in a Chippendales
tour in Ireland. Part of their stage show was
for a Chippendale to do a 'shower scene' on
stage. The shower used real water pumped
from a 10 gallon drum on the set.
The
Chippendale in question was an arrogant twat
who really annoyed some of the stage crew,
so they decided to get their own back by
pissing into the drum every night.
The next time The Chip came on tour their
tour manager asked me to make sure no-one
pissed in their shower water. I, of course,
assured him that my boys wouldn't do such
a thing, to which he replied 'Well if that's
the case, they're the only fucking crew in
the U.
K. who don't'."
-----------------------------------------------------
Andie Airfix, legendary graphic designer (Live 8
logo, Metallica album sleeves etc) marries his long
term gay lover Chelsea registry office in June.
-----------------------------------------------------
We brought you news this year about the
seagulling craze at schools. Apparently the
term actually comes from the Dogging
scene. Here, seagulling refers to
voyeurs who would stand outside cars,
wank furiously and then fling their jizz
at the car windscreen before running off.
-----------------------------------------------------
Mark Oaten, spotted at the Watford championship
play-offs, "looking tanned and clapping along
to the song 'Yellow Army'."
-----------------------------------------------------
Saturday, day of rockoning
Can death metal Finland lord it over Europe?
It's Eurovision time again!
Here is our run-down
of our favourites, and what to watch out for.
* Finland - Lordi - Hard Rock Hallelujah
Vote, vote, vote!
"On the day of Rockoning,
?
It?s who dares, wins..
."
* Russia - Dima Bilan - Never Let You Go
Beautiful song, bizarre staging. Watch
out for the woman in the piano.
..
* Britain - Daz Sampson - Teenage Life
Probably the catchiest tune of the night.
* Bosnia - Hari Mata Hari - Layla
Classy traditional Balkan song, sung by
the man known as "The Bosnian Pavarotti."
* Greece - Anna Vissi - Everything
80s power ballad from one of Europe's
biggest pop stars, Anna Vizzi. She's
at Royal Albert Hall later in May.
* Germany - Texas Lightning - No, No, Never
Like Gwen Stefani singing country and
western. Awesome.
* Lithuania - LT United - We Are The Winners
Post-modern joke, with group of old men
in suits.
-----------------------------------------------------
Chico from X-Factor was at David Lloyd gym in
Kidbrooke this week handing out autographs to
bemused children who had no idea who he was.
-----------------------------------------------------
Things that make you go hmmm
Joe Dolce, Tony Iommmi Jnr, Brandon Daviz
Anyone near Island Records on Ken High St
around 3.30 today, pop in and hear some tracks
off the new DJ Shadow album, "The
Outsider.
" Shadow has extended an invitation
on his website for anyone to do just that.
http://www.djshadow.
com/digest/
Joe Dolce emailed us last week. Have a listen
to what he's been up to in the last few years,
including Crop Circles In My Marijuana
and Ecstasy of Narcissus:
http://www.joedolce.
net/
*****************************************************
A car, some superglue, some dodgy salesmen...
http://tinyurl.com/h2qyo
A crazy Russian has turned himself into music,
bodypopping in a musical suit:
http://tinyurl.com/jvkdj
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End Bit
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AM, oaten fan, billy_Squier, deep_stoat, as,
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penhapus, calendergirl, scoundrel, ek, clinton
* Thanks to Tommy, Mandy, Erol Alkan and
the Tribeca Grand for the party.
*****************************************************
Old Jokes Home:
Q. What's red and white and goes
'BEEP..
.BEEP..
.BEEP..
.'?
A.
Arsenal's open-top bus reversing
back into the garage.
Still Bored?
Billionaire Marvin Davis' grandson Brandon
could be the stupidest man in America.
He
and Paris Hilton slag off Lindsay Lohan, and
make racial slurs at her ex-boyfriend, on camera.
http://tinyurl.com/kb24y
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