News06

First on the ass end of things:

The McCartney/Mills split is getting uglier. McCartney already stands to lose millions of pounds, (British curency), in the settlement. Now, Heather Mills has announced after the alleged beatings she took at the hands of Sir Paul, she would like to become a spokesperson for violence against women.

Subsequently, McCartney has also announced he would like to get involved with the Society for Emasculated Men Bilked out of Wealth by One-Legged Gold Diggers, or SEMBWOLGD for short.

Coming to a Holmes near you

Tom Cruise has stated he s getting married to Katie Holmes November 18th in Italy.

Except for the people of Woodbridge, may I suggest you get the plastic covers back on your couches immediately.

More baby momma drama

Authorities are investigating whether Anna Nicole Smith legally obtained permanent residency in the Bahamas and...

..

Madonna says she is "disappointed" by media coverage of her bid to adopt a Malawian baby, saying it will discourage others from doing the same.

Yawn. Ok, let's move on to the boobs.
Breast wishes
From Loretta Nall, a Libertarian candidate running for the Governor in Alabama, with a classic T-shirt depicting her well endowed attributes with the caption of, "more of these boobs" and pictures of her opponents underneath reading, "and less of these boobs.

"
As if losing on the boob tube wasn t enough, soon you ll be able to watch the Toronto Maple Leafs lose in HD on a fifty-foot screen at your local theater...

.oh, and be prepared to fork over $10 to $12 to see it.



Since being diagnosed with breast cancer and having surgery, songstress Cheryl Crowe has announced, her next album will feature only songs about breasts.

Really, I m not making this up.
Unable to put on weight and losing T A quicker than a gay man in a french brothel, Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she's not putting on the pounds.
Maybe she should give Heather Mills a call?

After her divorce is finalized, Mills will have plenty of pounds to spare...

..that's a call-back to the British money thing.

...

.you see?.

...

.Oh, never mind.
Perhaps if Nicole didn t throw up after she ate there'd be no need?

The star's publicist also stressed that her client was not being treated for an eating disorder.
Did I mention, perhaps if Nicole didn't throw up after she ate there'd be no need?
A Dutch mayor has raised eyebrows by backing the idea of sending prostitutes to accompany Dutch troops on foreign missions.

"The army must consider ways its soldiers can let off steam," Annemarie Jorritsma, mayor of the town of Almere in central Netherlands and a close friend to , told Dutch television.
"There was once the suggestion that a few prostitutes should accompany troops on missions. I think that is something we should talk about," she said, adding that the prostitutes would keep soldiers from turning to local women.

Why not take it a step further and send the working girls to the enemy. Then attack when they're all busy searching for 80 gilder? (Gilder is like pounds to the Dutch.

...

...

ah, just forget it.)
Clap for the elderly
Doctors said sexually transmitted diseases among senior citizens are running rampant at a popular Central Florida retirement community, according to a Local 6 News report.

A gynecologist at a community near Orlando, Fla.

, said she treats more cases of herpes and the human papilloma virus in the retirement community than she did in the city of Miami.
And you didn't want to kiss your Grandmother before all this.
Damn you Viagra!

New release this week: Deftones- Saturday Night Wrist
The United States is currently tracking a North Korean ship suspected of carrying military equipment that left Pyongyang this week, but have not yet boarded the vessel.

What a co-inky-dink, I'm currently tracking the Postman suspected of sleeping with and carrying military equipment in his pants. And as far as boarding?

That ship has sailed my friends.

Babs like budder

Barbara Streisand played in the Big Smoke for the first time ever.

I heard it was a good show, but personally, I don t care what dairy product you compare her to.

I m more concerned with the prices of tickets for the event and the number of kids who won t be going to university now because of it.

Taking the dink out of drinking

Ontario is considering adopting legislation to allow people in clubs to take their alcoholic drinks with them to the bathroom. It is hoped this will curb the increasing number of date-rape incidents.

However, I bet the number of ingested urine-tainted mojitos will be on the rise.

God damn it! Now how am I going to get chicks?

Little Caesar...

.big investment

Little Caesar s entrepreneur Mike Ilitch, owner of both the Detroit Tigers and the hockey Red Wings, has released a block of World Series tickets to rabid fans anxious to watch their team play the St. Louis Cardinals.

The catch is you also have to purchase 30 home-game Red Wing tickets.

Probably have to commit to 4 years of pizza once a week and dip your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed. Or maybe you can swap your Streisand tickets for them?

Double 00 heaven

If you re a chick with the ass of a 10 year-old boy, or you have breasts resembling bee stings. Or maybe you generally have a whole prison-camp survivor-vibe going on, now there s hope.

With people like Nicole Richie in mind, the fashion industry has introduced a for teenie, tiny, teenie, thin, tiny women.

The fall classic

November is considered the most dangerous time for pedestrians who get hit by vehicles.

The study concluded, due to cell phone use, weather conditions and general malaise, pedestrians were more likely to be struck, Tuesday to Friday, in the hours between 3 and 7 PM, especially if they had World Series tickets on them.

Now that s specific.

What a Rush

The prog-rock experiments of the band Rush are among works that should be preserved for future generations, says a committee tasked with saving the best in Canadian television, radio, film and music.

The band's 1976 album "2112," a unique blend of classic rock and synthesizers that made Rush a sensation both in Canada and the United States, is one of 12 cultural pieces named Thursday as MasterWorks by the Audio-Visual Preservation Trust.

Also chosen this year is what's considered Canada's first homegrown TV hit, "The Pig Whistle.

"

Wow...

..The Pig Whistle too?

You gotta be feeling pretty special right now if you're a member of Rush.

Going for the long (dirty) bomb

The perceived terrorist threat, of dirty bombs being detonated in seven football stadiums this Sunday, turned out to be a hoax.

Apparently, it was just a contest between two authors, over the internet, on who could come up with the scariest scenario.

How about dowsing your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed? Now that s scary.

However, let s look at this realistically in a hypothetical way.

Disclaimer-
The following statements are the ravings of Gus the Homeless Guy and should, in no way, be misinterpreted as actual fact related to Chris Strange, Dickie the Greek, Mambo the Sports Monkey, , or any other persons living or dead who would make such asinine allegations.

First of all, lets just forget about Minnisota vs Seattle, Carolina vs Cincinnati, Philadelphia vs Tampa, and San Diego vs K.C.

If you re a terrorist you re not going to make a bold statement by attacking those games.

odds 100-1

Also, Arizona vs Oakland? You re doing the league a favor by taking the Raiders out of the equation.

I d rather be forced to listen to details of the time Streisand had sex with former Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau than have to watch these two teams play.

odds 80-1

Pittsburgh vs Atlanta- Remember the Olympics? Attacking Atlanta, even although, as mentioned in the disclamer, in a fictional way, is so overdone.

odds 75-1

Denver vs Cleveland. You ever get to Cleveland? What a hole.

Blowing things up there would be an improvement. Believe me. And I d start with that mistake called the Rockin Roll Hall of Fame.

odds 50-1

New England vs Buffalo. This is another longshot. Didn't you read about the snow last week?

Haven t the people of Buffalo suffered enough? I mean they have to live there.

odds 25-1 and that's only because they're playing the Patriots.

Monday s game Giants at Dallas is also not a good bet. Especially, if something happened in Sunday's games. Not that it would because, once again, none of this is real.

That leaves the best bets for the over/under as...

.

Detroit vs Jets. Emblematic of all that is American: Detroit, New York.

In fact, the only ones who would have no idea a disaster happened, would be the people of Detroit, who are too enthralled with watching the Tigers in the World Series and eating Ilitch's pizza.


Green Bay vs Miami. Good cross-over potential with this game between the Packers and the Dolphins.

It would also anger animal activists and the makers of dairy products.


Jacksonville vs Houston. Anything to fuck with Bush s mind would be considered a victory and since Monday s game is off the agenda, a strike in the heart of Texas is mandatory.

odds even

Washington vs Indy- The nation s capitol vs the only undefeated team playing this week? The best odds. Where do I wager my fictional money?

*knock knock* Oh...

.the FBI agents are here..

...

gotta run...

..
Is it October 31st already?

I mean, this week looks like a line-up of B horror films and I'm not talking about The Grudge 2.

It Came From The Supermarket

First it s killer spinach, then lettuce, now a couple lay in hospital, paralyzed, from drinking carrot juice tainted with botchilism.

- Aren't vegetables supposed to be healthy?

Fuck me! I'm frying everything in pig fat from now on.

Death From Above

Cory Lidle, pitcher for the New York Yankees, throws the ultimate strike and crashes his plane into a luxury condo, killing himself and his flight instructor.

- It used to be, God s way of telling you, you had too much money was, you d develop a cocaine addiction and just O.D.

The Omega Man Revisted

The U.

N. Security council debated what sanctions should be placed on North Korea as punisment for continued nuclear testing, as an underground experiment was conducted this week.

Some ideas that have been thrown out because they may be perceived as an act of war were:

Sending Bulgarian strippers to work in the capital of Pyongyang.

Bombarding Kim Jong Il s home town with Walmarts, McDonalds and Starbucks.
Secretly snatching all dogs from North Korea and destroying the food infrastructure in the process.
Exporting all carrot juice tainted with botchilism to North Korean high officials in boxes marked "Yummy".

Friday the 13th: Jason Rides A Harley

A swarm of bikers descended on the peaceful town of in a Friday the 13th ritual.

I would have gone but I seem to have misplaced my assless leather chaps..

..oh, and I don't own a motorcycle.

The Rampage of Old Man Winter

On Thursday, 53.5 centimetres of heavy snow set the record for the "snowiest" October day in Buffalo in the 137-year history of the weather service. The previous record of 38 centimetres was set Oct.

31, 1917.

The freak killer snow downed scores of tree limbs and toppled power lines.

Man!

This is really going to kill Buffalo tourism. *snap*

Catastrophic pictures of this event are posted below.



It s all fun and games until someone loses a colon
Of course you knew it was about the Sky City Casino Jalapeno eating contest, didn't ya?

Winner, Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti from Chicago, ate 177 to claim the championship. He beat out 14 other competitors including Rich "The Locust" LaFevre, and Don "Mosses" Lerman, who guaranteed victory beforehand.
The Jalapeno champion Bertoletti said later, he couldn t feel his face.

It had gone numb.
Well, Deep Dish, I guarantee you ll feel your asshole tomorrow.
Do let the bedbugs bite
A woman is suing an Ellenville New York hotel after she, and her husband, woke up covered in blood soaked sheets.

They d been bitten repeatedly by bed bugs.
You know, that's what I tell when she wakes up in the middle of the night bleeding from the ass..

...

.What do you mean, "that's disgusting"? You should see my penis.

In fact, the woman and her husband discovered the hotel room was infested with them.
I guess she didn't notice the sign entering town: Welcome to Ellenville, National home of the bed bug.
She is suing for 20 million in damages.

20 million? Holy snapping arseholes. Where do I sign-up?

Bite away ya little buggers.
Everyone into the pool
Every week , when she isn't bleeding from the ass, plays the pro-picks football pool. A ticket where one must guess correctly, all the winners from that week s NFL line-up.

The payout can be anywhere from $5,000 to $350,000 green backs. Earlier this year five people split the pot and took home a cool $35,000 each.
As I stated plays, and this week came within a whisper of getting them all right.

Only THAT BASTARD! Brett Farve of the Green Bay Packers foiled her chances with a fumble in the dying moments of the game, handing an unlikely victory to the St. Louis Rams from the jaws of defeat.

, rightly so, was devastated.
Thousands of dollars gone like that. *snaps fingers*
Until we learned the next day almost 6,000 people possessed a winning ticket and took home a whopping $84.

00 each.
Game on!
Emergeny rooms have noted a 33% increase in males following a sporting event.

The study concluded, men simply will not go to emergency when sporting events are on, preferring to remain with whatever injuries they have until after the game is finished.
Wow! What we won't do for $84.

00.
Personally, I remember once, waited until the end of the Stanley Cup Playoffs before he had a severed limb reattached. Now that my friends, is dedication.

YouTube, YouRich
Google Inc. announced that it has agreed to acquire YouTube, the consumer media company for people to watch and share original videos through a Web experience, for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction.

The acquisition combines one of the largest and fastest growing online video entertainment communities with Google's expertise in organizing information and creating new models for advertising on the Internet.
Not bad for two guys who started this thing out of their garage a year and a half ago.
Now, if you ll excuse me, I have some nuclear tests to conduct in the crawl space under my house.

Hey, maybe I can sell my weapon to Google in a year or so?
But I recommend: Ken- By Request Only.
Come on, Ken.

...

..or Diddy?

Seems like an easy choice to me.
You know, I think I had a hair helmet and suit like that for my grade 8 graduation.

-Leaves are changing color and over-passes are collapsing.

-Elections are on the horizon. Just ask Belinda Stonach and Tie Domi who are already busy polling the electorate.

-It's open season for gunmen in high schools and colleges.

-George Takei has announced he will reprise his role as Sulu as long as he can grow his hair long and wear leather pants.

-And out of money, Mike Tyson has planned to return to the ring at 40. He will start a world tour of 4-round exhibition fights in an effort to reduce his debt load.

Apparently Iron Mike has squandered over 300 million during his career like he's some third world country.

What is this guy Conrad Black all of a sudden?

Road to oblivion

With a mayoral election heating up, what to do with Toronto's antiquated Gardiner expressway seems to be the main bone of contention.

A report released this week offered a few alternatives. Fix it, tear it down, or build a tunnel.

Wow!

it cost them how much of the tax payers money to get these answers? A million plus?

Money well spent ladies and gentlemen.

Money...

.well..

..spent!

Anyone want to join me in a slow clap?

Personally I like the tunnel idea because I've already seen the artist rendition. Although, I'm not sure what side the CN Tower will be on.

As long as the lanes go both ways it has my vote. Who wouldn't like to see a little DP from the DVP?

If you hadn't died I would have killed you

A man who co-wrote the song Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini was wrongly reported as dead after the death of a man who claimed authorship.

The widow of Paul Van Valkenburgh, of Ormond Beach, Florida, said he claimed to have written the song as Paul Vance.

Rose Leroux said she had had no reason to doubt her late husband's claim to fame and was "devastated" by the news of his lie.

Shush!

still believes I invented the speculum.


Who's your daddy?

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K.

Stern has revealed he is the father of her baby daughter. However, former boyfriend Larry Birkhead has also claimed his boys can swim and he's the real father.

Jesus, no wonder her son Daniel O.

D.'d.


French surgeons have performed the first operation on a person in weightless conditions.

In the 10-minute procedure this week, four doctors cut out a cyst from a patient's arm aboard a free-falling aircraft.

The surgery was performed during a parabolic flight - 25 rollercoaster-like manoeuvres inside a converted Airbus A300 aircraft. Each arc recreates weightlessness for 22 seconds as the plane free-falls to the ground.

The surgeons, who only operated in these 22-second windows, were held in place with harnesses and their instruments fixed by magnets inside a specially-constructed operating theatre measuring two metres by two metres.
Interesting..

..
Someone wake me when they start lancing anal boils or performing vasectomies.

Now that's operating.

I woman gave birth on a transatlantic flight this week somewhere between London and Boston over Canadian airspace.
I wonder how she snuck that past security?

The baby was delivered by the flight crew...

..
Where's a parabolic flight when you really need one?

The plane touched down in Halifax...

.
Where both Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead were waiting to fight over paternal rights no doubt.

Three masked men robbed a suburban Atlanta sex shop Wednesday after tying up the employees with black fur handcuffs and silver leg irons taken from the store shelves, police said.
Authorities said the men stole $230 from the cash register at the Starship Enterprise adult novelty store..

..
Is this where Sulu got the idea for the leather pants?

Smells like team spirit

Terrell Owens' attempted suicide turned out to be just an accidental overdose.

I knew it couldn't be true. Why would he deprive the sports world of such an asshole?

Early reports said T.O. had been depressed before trying to take his own life.

Tell me. What's he got to be depressed about?
-He doesn't know where to spend his millions?

Someone should introduce him to Mike Tyson.
-He can't find a decent place to park his Porsche?
May I suggest an overpass in Laval Quebec?

-He doesn't have enough dick for what seems to be too much pussy?
Someone get me Tie Domi on the phone damn it!

New release this week: Actually, I couldn't find any new releases.

Just as well. You only need one album for your collection anyway.

Christian Crusaders with Al Davis.
It would make a swell gift for Yom Kippur.
I guess I should really stop listening to local news, but there seems to be much going on in our little city.

I realize most of you don't live here, so I'll try be brief.

Cash for trash you ass: Nobody rides for free

So Toronto has finally solved it s trash problem by purchasing a landfill in St. Thomas outside of London.

Mayoral hopeful, councillor Jane Pittfield, even put her stamp of approval on the deal, which reportedly will cost tax payers upwards to 50 million.

Later however, Pittfield declared she d been in a rush and accidently voted in favor of the agreement.

Who would want someone like that for Mayor honestly?

What a lot of you don t know is, she ran against our beloved years ago but accidently fell on his penis and ruined her campaign.
*snap*

Rocket around the clock?

The TTC is proposing keeping the subway open 24/7 just like in N.

Y...

...

Great, now we can also get the homeless off the street.

Booze cruisers

Several local police officers were caught on video, behind a furniture store, drinking alcohol they d confiscated from minors.

I wonder if Jane Pittfield was accidently there?

Who thought escorts were so expensive?

When a passenger got into a heated argument with flight attendants on board an Air Canada flight preparing to take off from London to Toronto, he was escorted off the plane and had to find another way home. But that wasn't the end of it.

A week later, the airline sent buddy a bill for $1,350 for causing the flight to be delayed by 27 minutes. Air Canada defended its action saying delays are expensive and passengers who intentionally cause a flight to be late should expect similar treatment.

Do you hear that terrorists?

Just think about that the next time you want to disrupt air travel.
Seconds anyone?

Many Canadian fans of "Grey's Anatomy" were puzzled by plot gaps and apparent inconsistencies Thursday night when CTV inadvertently aired the second episode of the season rather than the hotly anticipated premiere.

While the network blamed the mistake on a "satellite feed error," it was little consolation for viewers who had waited an entire summer to learn the fate of the libidinous interns at Seattle Grace Hospital not to mention Dr. McDreamy.

That will teach ya for watchin' "chick TV" instead of C.

S.I.

Summer falls

Welcome to the first day of fall.

To make the slow death of another year more enjoyable; did you know, you can bet on which new TV show will be the first one cancelled?

Is "My mother the car" still on?

"Men in trees" is the eary favorite.

However, if you had "Grey's Anatomy" as first show to fuck up you'd be raking in the dough right now.

Oh Popeye

Ok, I didn't mention this last week because I figured everyone already knew. But people are still falling over, being sick, and shitting green.

And no, It's not St. Patrick s day already?

Jesus!

Just .

Coup coup ka-choo

This week saw a military coup in Thailand. The Thai military surrounded the prime minister's office with tanks and seized control of TV stations declaring a provisional authority pledging loyalty to the king.

Yeah, but I'll bet they still got the first episode of Grey's Anatomy.

S cuse me while I kiss this guy

Guitar legend Jimmy Hendrix died 36 years ago this week. Here is what he'd look like if he were still alive today.

No sex please. We're British

A survey by private health care organization Bupa in England, has found 39% of people were prepared to give up sex in order to live to a ripe old age of 100.

Wow!

Seems giving up sex is what would kill me in the first place.

Women would be the ones most prepared to pass up passion at 48% in a bid to prolong life.

I think may have already taken the vow of celibacy.

While 24% of those polled would be ready to sacrifice eating and drinking whatever they wanted.

Well, spinach at least.

And 58% would give up travelling to ensure they lived to 100.

Count me in. Especially with what Air Canada is fining their passengers these days.

New Release this week: Scissor Sisters- Ta-Dah











But I recommend: Liebe Mutter- Heino


You know what?

Maybe I will give up sex after all.