Blogroll Charm School Dropout

I need to become (more) intelligent.
Follow my logic, for a moment.
I was, in elementary school, simply put, a genius.

I was getting late high school, early college level scores on most, if not all of my tests. Enter junior high. Somwhere in the summer between elementary school and junior high I seem to have magically lost most of my intelligence.

How does a girl who, at the age of four taught herself her times tables and how to read, go from star student, to failing most of her classes?
I will, admit, I was not neccesarily the most agreeable student in elementary. For the first three years of elementary school I was in the principle s office on a weekly basis.

I was bored, and when bored, I have the ability to do the strangest things. However, I digress from my original topic.
Possibly, I could blame Douglass Lee Carden, yes I use his whole name, and feel no remorse, for cheating on my mother and in effect ruining my life, but that would not be until the end of my seventh grade year.

So clearly, there must have been something that made me go from above average in math, to quite literally failing.
Recently, in pyschology we have been discussing whether or not it is possible for child prodigy to simply burn out. I begin to wonder, is it possible that I have simply, burnt out?

But to this I say no. It s not as if I ve lost my lust for knowledge. I want to learn things, really I do.

I don t take the AP classes to get the credits I take them because I want to know more about the subject. But again, I get mediocre grades.
Perhaps this is a round about way in which to realize what teacher, counslers, and family members have been telling me for the past five years.

I simply don t apply myself. The potential is there. And recently, I ve even begun to realize that.

I have lost my drive. I ve lost my focus. For instance.

Instead of reading 1775, Give me Liberty, or Economics I m here, at my computer, chatting and blogging. I will admit it, I have an internet addiction. I spend roughly five hours on the computer a day.

And I have a tendancy to get off topic.
As if that hadn t been made clear by the fact that I am no longer exactly answering what happened to my intelligence, but then again perhaps I am.
I can t end this by saying I m simply a confused adolescent.

Not because I m not, I am. But, because that s not why I m unable to focus, to apply. Perhaps it ll take more blogging and procrastination to figure out why.

When you run out of minutes a week before the end of the month and suddenly you find yourself unwilling to leave the house, for fear that someone will call you and the only way you ll ever be able to talk to them is if you skype them back.
Keep in mind, I have no home phone, no business phone, only my three hundred minutes a month on my cell phone. Which, I seem to be going through with increasing rapidty.

If that last statement makes any sense. But yeah, a few peole have called me, and the numbers have been unknown and I and can t answer, call them back OR check my messages and it s really starting frustrate me.
I blame that Kody and I played hide-and-seek in WalMart last night because that ate up all my minutes.

One second=One minute.
Stupid clues.
Oh well, my mom comes back from New York tomorrow and she can go out and buy me three hundred more minutes.

Hopefully.
This having no phone thing kind of sucks. At least I can still recieve text messages.

Yay for facebook moble and my 355+ wall comments from my friends!
Posted Date: Saturday, October 28, 2006 - 2:04 AM
So, Kody and I started out the night being ourselves. We went shopping, hung around North Central being dumbasses and visited Liz at her place of work.

I tried my first cigarette and almost died, for serious. Never again.
Anyways, at about ten, Kody and I come to my house, and dress him in drag and I dress up, slightly skanky, but not really, because well, we re talking about me here.

And so we go downtown where the night life is and walk around acting like complete morons. Kody, er Katrina as he decided to be called was hilarious. We go into lots of fights.

And a few guys actually hit on me, it was pretty funny.
There was a guy who had dressed up like House and I started to talk to him, and he seemed like he was interested, but I kind of chickend out. For shame Ashley, for shame.

Kody kept shouting out random things like, I m horny! I m hot! She s horny She wants to get laid!

and the like.
Ah, much fun, much fun. It fun to be actually living life and doing crazy and stupid things and not staying locked up in my room all the time.

:-p
Today was too beautiful to describe.
I loved it.
Even when Sabrina bitched to me about Liz.

Making the Medds shirts.
Writing the Speech.
Giving the Medds their shirts.

Giving the speech.
Waiting for Kody.
Hanging out with Kody and his sexy buddy.

Hanging out with just Kody until midnight.
Ah, the good times.
Ah, I love the Medds.

They say the weiredest things.
So, last night before I got severe writers block I began to write a speech thing for tonight. Enter the following:
I wanted to write something to honor the Medds.

I wanted it to be original. Perhaps a poem, a short story, maybe even a brief speech. I d toss some witty and at times slightly sentimental and endearing anecdotes into the mix.

It d describe how awesome the Medds are. Describing how their love and passion of music has inspired most if not all of the members of the band program. This piece of writing might mention how much these two men love to tell stories of their life.

I might make a joke saying we merely listen to the stores in order to get out of playing. But, I might also say that the stories add life to these two men. Gives them character and shows us how they act outside of the bondage that is the West High band.

I could reminisce about their favorite story involving a somewhat dirtied sock. But somehow, these stories, while adding to what makes the Medds, the Medds, isn t what completes them. What makes them, well, them.

This original piece of literature that I m writing would definitely also mention Rich Medd s love for jazz music and his affinity towards marches, much to the chagrin of the band geeks under his tutelage.
And then I got severe writers block and started talking to Alex Bailey, Kenneth and Kelsey on aim. Because, I m coo like that.

If you live in Iowa City, this date holds a substantial amount of memory. As you may recall, April 13, 2006 was the day that six tornadoes hit us. One passing within forty feet of my house.

I came across these videos today on YouTube and it kind of made me remember. The one with the sirens actually still frightens me because I now associate that sound with the scary sound of the tornado passing by my house.
So, after fourth hour, Liz, Kelsey, Andy and I all went to Liz s house and played Mario Party.

I was surprised that I actually had fun play a video game! It was hilariously funny!
Poor Andy, all this money and no one and nothing to spend it on
Just wait until Ashley gets in front of me!

Hehe. It was really funny when it happened. Stupid Andy stole my star.

And after that I started losing the game. But it was so much fun. We were all sad when I had to leave to go to Les Mis rehearsal and Liz had to go to work.

Right as I was about to leave the school, Alex pulled me over to him and said, Walk with me. And immedietly I was worried, because it meant that something was really wrong. Apparently, people have been spreading some nasty rumors about him.

They re just horrendous. I don t understand how some people can be so mean. And he s been so sensitive to the way people view him ever since he s announced that he was gay.

I m just happy he trusts me enough to talk to me about it. I wuvvles my freshmen!
So pretty much, we all have to go see The Nightmare Before Christmad 3D there s no way of getting around it.

It s going to be fucking amazing!!!

!!!

Haha, exclamation point overload.
Hm I really want to hang out with Liz tonight, but I also really want to help the Medds tomorrow morning and I can t do both which really sucks. But I m thinking it s pretty much turning out that I m not going to Liz s tonight because I don t have a ride.

And I feel terrible because I told Rob I d help him today during ITEDS, but I went and hung out with Liz instead. But I really don t want to help during ITEDS tomorrow because Sabrina is and I don t know if I could handle
BAH! Photo Essays are due tomorrow and I haven t even started.

I figure I ll just do a music theme or something and take the pictures while I m in the band room. :-p
Blah. Rehearsal seemed WAY longer than two hours today.

Well, the musical rehearsal part with Mr. D was amazing, because, well, he s Mr. D and has really random things to say.

And then we got on stage with Dodge and she made Alex, Sammy, Michael, Sloane and what serface re-block everything while the rest of us were standing there doing nothing. Not very enjoyable. But we did work on two of my favorite songs from Les Mis.

The Cafe Song, and Turning, and Epilogue. okay, so three, not two. Oops.

So as some might see by my profile pic and perhaps I ve even mentioned it. I forget half the things I say sometimes, I have bangs. This is what happens when Kody calls me two mintues before I m leaving the house to tell me he s going to come pick me up, leaving me child of destruction with fifteen minutes of nothing.

Now, one might assume that as a responsible young adult I might have done some chores or caught up in AP Econimics of AP US History. Nope, not this wild child. I decided to cut me some bangs.

And as you can see in the picture taken last friday, I look like a friggin man! My friends like it, and magically they have grown like an inch in four days because they now rest only slightly above my eyebrows.
But yeah, proof I shouldn t be allowed to get bored.

O.o
I m reading the sequel to a great book I read yesturday. It s called, Rebel Angels.

I tend to get really obsessive when I read. Silly me. It s a really good book and I ve only put it down and posted here, because well, two hundred pages in two hours is a bit much and I needed something else to do for a while.

A break, if you will.
Haha! I laugh at Austin who is reading this with his 150+ other articles on [his] RSS feed.

ITEDS are tomorrow. I m actually slightly upset that as a senior I don t have to take them. Because I wanted to better my score.

ALL my life of taking the ITEDS I ve always gotten 99, which is the highest you can get, but last year I got 97 and it really bothered me, because it was pretty much quanitifieable proof that I m devolving in terms of intelligence.
So, today during the four periods that everyone else has ITEDS and since I have play rehearsal after school too, I m going to hang out with the Medds and clean up to storage room. Fun, ne?

So, I was thinking. I really need a costume. I want to go out with a bang this year.

Sophmore year was the only year I had a really good costume. And sadly there are not pictures. Cry, cry.

I was thinking about being a ninety year old flapper or something crazy like that, walk around with a cane and a feather in my hair in the flapper dress yelling at young hoooligans. Neuzil was going to be Johnny Dipp Ahh..

I still laugh at that. I love Mr. Neuzil.

He is amazing. It s very sad that he won t be teaching for the next two weeks and we are stuck with Bitchy McBitch for a sub. However, there is Jason the TA and Jason is delicious?

I don t know, but he s pretty hot, gorgeous.
So, the commercial we were making for Gov Club in Communication Studies is going to suck now because Mr. Finn is an ass.

We FINALLY got it down to forty-five seconds and originally it was two and half mintues. And now he s like get it down to thirty seconds. And we keep telling him it won t make any sense.

And BAHH!! I hate the man.

Can t stand him. And thankfully, I am not alone. He also happens to be the new speech coach, and NO ONE, at least the people who matter, likes him.

Yeah, so I m done complaining about him. People that complain too much annoy me. Enter Sabrina.

Liz and I are really growing apart from Sabrina and closer to each other, which in a way is slightly ironic. Or, simply odd I suppose, since we used to hate eachother. Pretty much Sabrina is just a whiney baby who complain about everything.

The other day she was complaining about how Cybin, her boyfriend is going to join the Marines and she doesn t want him to go and she wanted Liz and I to agree with her that he shouldn t go and stay with her and go to the UI and not the college that he wants. I told her that I can t tell him what to do, that I think if he wants to join the Marines and go to the college of his choice let him. It s selfish of her to want him to stay merely for her sake.

They seriously aren t going to last. Yeah, they ve been going out for three years, but seriously, they re too different. And they NEVER talk.

But oh well, I should stop complaining about them.
It seems all I ve done in this post is complain. I do apologize about that.

Subject You know you love it.
A conversation Sabrina and I had on facebook. You ll have to read it bottom to top because that s how the Walls work.

Don t you worry bout a thing, screamed Jude.
Hallalujiah, I love her so.
Haha.

My computer does this weird spazzing out thing before I get a text message. (I have facebook mobile) and so everytime you write on my wall, my computer announces it before the phone does and I m like, Sabrina s supernatural!
I make no sense.

Shut up.
Yeah.I m sure it s pretty much the same as the Initiation of blahblahblah That s one right now.

Pretty sterotypical ending. She beats Satan, two years later we see her with her husband and a baby. Husband leaves for work, she goes outside and the scruurry crows from earlier are there and it ends.

I love horrible/corny horror movies.
And my mom went to New York.
Which allowed me to go to bed right after she left.

Because, who really wants to get up at seven on a Sunday?
Not me.
I had a dream.

Not yay.
This is for various reasons. One of them, probably the biggest one is it involved person that I haven t thought of in a while and I try very hard not to think about.

I m not going to spend this post berating myself for thinking about him. Because, hey, it was a dream. And dreams don t really show anything, except perhaps our subconscious longing, or fears.

And sometimes conscious longings and fears. (Referring to my bajillions of dreams involving, my teeth falling out, bloody noses and my mom dieing.)
There was some pretty random stuff in my dream.

A plane semi-crashing, and me having to drive it around. Rob Medd was also very randomly in my dream. He didn t do anything, he was just there in the plane.

And then I went to a cafe is He who must not be name (aka the guy I dreamed about) and a bunch of my other friends. And when we left the cafe all of us were on a boat and I fell off and so he dived in after me and we swam across the ocean back to the crashed plane. (Seriously, do not question my dream s logic.

It won t work.) And there was this whole scene involving ducks and their secret society and them attacking me which wasn t very fun.
We got back to the plane crash site, which happened to be right next to the airport AND a relaxing spring.

But since the airport is stupid we had to live in the airplane and such. I dunno, I think eventually the airport left and there were just randomly other airplanes in the vacenity.
Well, the rest was just a lot of fun in the springs.

I didn t want the dream to end, because honestly, I m sure I d been having it for the past hour, but Tim came in and asked me to help him with the printer.
And as, the Santa dream, oh so many years ago, has shown me. It s impossible to re-start a dream.

Which in a way is quite sad because all in all it was an enjoyable dream.
Yes, I did just spend an entire post rambling on about a dream.
Posted Date: Friday, October 20, 2006 - 11:55 AM
Today was my last marching band performance as a high schooler.

And I know, most people would think, so what? What s the big deal? To me it is a big deal.

I love band. I love music. Music is essentially my life if not a big part of it.

I would not be who I am without it. I ve realized it. Realized that this is it.

I won t be here next year, wearing the ugly band uniforms bugging Rob and Rich. What am I going to do? There are so many memories tied up in West High.

I m going to miss it so much.
That was really getting me down today. Realizing my mortality in a sense.

I also realized that I don t really have any real friends so to speak. I mean, I have friends. I do.

I m not denying that. It s just, none of them take me seriously. I will always be stupid Ashley, blond Ashley, Silly Ashley, etc, etc.

I ve never had a boyfriend.
Or a guy be interested in me.
Which is slightly, if not extremely saddening.

Honestly, I don t see a way around it.
It s not exactly severe like it used to be.
And I m definately not going to mention it to anyone at school, for fear of being told I complain too much.

Besides, it s not like any of them would actually give a fuck. We re all too wrapped up by our own problems to notice anyone else s. We all do it.

Whether we mean to or not. That s what makes high school so god damn hard.
I cut my bangs today.

They look pretty good actually. A little on the short side, but otherwise I m pretty proud of myself. Today, I kind of felt like my existance didn t matter.

Like I could have just not been there and no one would have noticed. It s sort of been proven. I ve been counted present in classes that I ve been absent in.

It shows how much I make a difference in people s lives. None.
I get cold when I m depressed.

As in REALLY cold. I feel like it s thirty-two degress in my room right now, and I know it s not. It s just my body being weird.

I m going to start taking my anti-depressents again. Maybe this time I ll stick to them. I just hate the idea that I m not normal, in the mental sense.

Hmm oh well.
Ms. Knapp wants me to be an alto 1.

She wants me to develope my lower range. I want to develope my higher range. The songs we ve done did nothing to help my tone quality.

If anything they made it worse. I m supposed to blend with people who are two years younger than me and have a more spread voice. You tell me how my tone quality is supposed to imrprove.

And then when I sing out and with good tone quality, the fucking altos look at me like I m fucking satan.
Maybe I should face the fact that I ll never really amount to anything at West High, vocally. I know I can sing.

I know I can sing well. I ve had multiple people tell me this. And they re not just saying it to flatter me.

And I learn things quickly. And most of the time I can have perfect pitch. Granted, it took me a while to get used to singing in a key different from that of my clarinet.

(Notes on my clarinet are different that just piano or vocal notes. An A on the clarinet is different from an A on the piano. I have no idea why.

Stupid Bb instrument.) Well, I know that Knapp isn t going to put me into Concert Choir. And honestly, I have no desire to be in women s chorale, because they re just bringing me down.

I just might quit. But I also want to try out for Chamber Choir.
Posted Date: Wednesday, October 18, 2006 - 12:41 PM
Only as a muse (10:10:17 PM): hey, liz, it s me god.

yeah, about the whole sun thing ashley s now the center of the galexy. sorry, GOD
Only as a muse (10:11:43 PM): yeah, ashley s going to have sex with a few of your hotter mail proffesors. sucks to be, SATAN
Only as a muse (10:13:02 PM): Liz, look at that apalling grammer.

Why I ve never seen anything so horrendous in my life. Clearly, this is proof that bad grammer is the path to hell. VZ
Only as a muse (10:15:55 PM): And to the left of that memo, of course would be a memo from me
I have been touched by his noodley appendage.

I love random religions!
So, I went to Walmart and bought a microphone. So now I have Skype.

Feel free to Skype me. That s always fun. My screen name is ashley.

swank
Somehow, I guess I haven t been getting enough sleep. Don t know how that works. I got nine hours last night and by third hour I was trying to stay awake.

Funny how that works.
Yesturday we blocked Lovely Ladies . That was fun!

There was a table and on the table was a chair. And everyone was like, I wanna be the lovely lady on the chair! And guess what?

! I got to be on the chair. Much fun to be had.

!
Dodge let the revolutionary women not have rehearsal today. It was nice going straight home and doing what I do every night four hours earlier.

I really like my new default pic. It s a self portrait I made for communication studies class. I likey
If you don t remember this song.

I shun thee.
Live Forever, For the moment
But we re all alone, was it just a dream
Feelings untold, They will never be sold
Hasta Manana, always be mine
Viva Forever, I ll be waiting
Everlasting, Like the sun
Live Forever, for the moment
Ever searching, for the world
Last night was fun.
Last night was boring.

Last night was wonderful, terrible oxymoron.
Joy!
I have a microphone now.

So I ve been calling people from my computer like no other.
Feel free to call me from Skype. My ID is ashley.

swank
While my parents are there.
Which is cool.
Because weddings are boring.

I like the receptions.
We can just skip the wedding part.
I d fall asleep if I weren t in it.

I m not sure where that title came from, I just pressed the down button and that showed up and I thought it was pretty funny.
I would like to say that I love Economics.
Amanda: I wasn t here yesturday, do you have a worksheet for me?

Mr. Finn: Um I put it in the recycling bin. Let me see if it s still there.

Me: Most teachers put their extra papers in a folder for things like this.
Mr. Finn: Why do you always critique my teaching?

Me: *the following is thought, not said* Because you re the worst teacher I ve ever had the displeasure to meet. I ve learned nothing in your class and you re an ass and a horrible speech coach.
So, I m thinking the semi depression I had earlier was due to PMS.

Keep in mind this is the first time I ve ever blamed something on PMS because I don t actually believe in the existance of PMS. But, it s a better option than actual depression.
I m thinking the play and everything is stressing me out.

Not to mention that my voice or my singing voice at least has somehow changed within the past few months and I m not sure if I like the change. I mean, my range is incredible, but it s the quality that I m concerned with. I used to like my voice.

At the begining of the year I had a nice tone quality. Now I m not saying I was anything like Sloan, but you know, I was pretty close. But now I m not anywhere near to being very good.

Not to mention sometimes it hurts to sing. And I know that for some reason my head voice goes higher than it should, which strains my vocal chords.
I ve been exhausted all this week.

As in, it s two am and you have about another hour of stuff to do and you re pretty much falling asleep at your desk, tired .except at nine in the morning extending all the way until after school. It s getting very frustrating.

And now I m even more stressed out. I know where I m applying, but I don t know which one I ll even be able to go to. My mom says that I should go to Kirkwood for two years.

I REALLY don t want to go there. In my opinion, it seems like only losers and slackers go there and I wouldn t be able to do any of the electives I want to do. I mean, come on the KIRKWOOD marching band?

I would NOT be proud to say I was in that. I want to be proud of what I m doing and enjoy my education. My mom is mad that I am so strongly against Kirkwood.

She says it s a really good education and she went there for two years and really smart people who want to save money and get a better education get their Gen Ed done there. I don t know. I m so confused.

I know where I want to go. But I know that I m starting out with absoluely NO money. All my friends have parents that are going to help them pay for college, but I don t have that luxury.

My parents are too poor. It kind of sucks. It makes me feel inadequit.

I thought I d rub in the fact that the original Jean ValJean from broadway came to West High today.
Anecdotes galore.
Oh the happiness that is Tim Shew.

Posted Date: Sunday, October 08, 2006 - 10:20 AM
Some people are amazing while others are doomed to remain boring, monotonous. Am I going to be one of those amazing people? Am I going to grow up to be beautiful and intelligent?

Will I change the world? And if I do change it, will it be for the better or for the worse? And who decides what s good and who decides what s bad?

Is evil, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder?
Do I have any true friends? Will I ever find that special someone?

Will I become an awesome lawyer? Or am I doomed to failure? Will I write a novel?

And will it be good?
Will I become the person I hate the most? Will I still love the friends I ve made in high school ten years from now?

Where will I be ten years from now? Will I be graduating law school and working in some New York law firm? Will I have a case like McCullogh v Maryland or Roe v Wade that changes the way in which the law works?

Will I marry? Will I be happy?
How does one survive in this world when they don t know what they want?

I wish a lot of things that will never happen.
Like, the hope that I will ever fall in love.
Blarg.

Twas a hective day.
Right after school, we had to eat dinner, put on our marching uniforms and go dowtown for the University of Iowa Homecoming parade. Then we had to haul-ass back to West High, practice Halftime once, and then go perform at the West High Homecoming Game.

Needless to say, my feet hut and I m exhausted. But it was all in fun. Hehe.

I didn t really play the last song, Isn t she lovely because my lips were all chapped and I was too lazy.
On the bus back from downtown, the back of the bus (me included) were being loud and yelling go iowa and heeeey and singing. It was much fun.

Except that some sophmore girls were like, you re being immature. People who think they re mature and you re immature are annoying. I m mature and immature.

And I know when to be either and this was a perfect time to be immature and sing the song, I m a Trojan, I m a Trojan, I m a Trojan from West High. I d rather be a condom than a dick from City High! And we sang the wheels on the bus, but making up our own lyrics.

Like, The Ella on the bus just let one loose, and The students on the bus just won t shut up! Needless to say, it was a great time.
I auditioned for the improv solo in choir.

I did okay. Definately not as well as I could have. But doing things like this is helping me grow as a singer.

And that s really what it s all about. I was shaking really hard afterwards. Which is weird.

I m totally comfortable with acting auditions, but when it comes to singing auditions, I get totally shakey.
Also, this Alto II came up to me at the end of class and was like, I don t mean to be offensive, but you sing too loud and it s really annoying to us. I apologized of course and didn t sing above a whisper the rest of the class.

It made me really self conscious. Other people say I m fine, but I know that I probably shouldn t sing out as much as I do. I want to be able to blend well, and I know that at times I m not doing that.

So really, it is something I need to work on and I m glad she said something about it.
But for some reason, today just seemed like a really bad day. I m not even sure why.

I just felt really bad. And I think I m might be falling into a depression again, which is something I really don t want to do. So, obviously I m going to fight it and try to stay as happy and healthy as possible.

After all depression is only a mental thing. I m guessing it s probably just from the stress of my senior year, and SATs and College and realizing that AP test costs are going to be around four hundred dollars. Eek!

Yeah, Eighty two dollars time five, is a really high number, a little over four hundred. Actually four hundred ten. I think.

I m not very good a math.
Well, as much as I would love to stay on line and do fun stuff, I m tired and really should go to bed, even thought it s two hours earlier than I normally would.
So, every so often people write woe is me blog entries.

I suppose I do that every few entries. More often than I m probably willing to admit. But today was just one of those days.

I got a D on a test that I studied for, took notes over and had the notes WITH me when I took the test. How the fuck does that happen? Joe got the same score as I and didn t even read the chapter.

Argh!!!

And today after school was pretty sucky. Liz and I were going to hang out, but I ended up talking with Ms. Knapp about choir for fifteen minutes and missed Liz and haven t been able to get a hold of her.

I m begining to hate all of my friends. Mostly Sabrina. I know this sounds really bad, but my God.

Sometimes I just can t stand her. She has no concept of anyone s personal space. She s always touching you and invading your personal space, but you so much as poke her she fucking bitches at you about personal space.

And then she ll say all this crap about you, and make these really mean and hurtful jokes or comments on their body features that they s not particularly proud of, and if you do anything remotely close to that she fucking again, bitches you out and gets pissed off. And I m tired of it. I really don t want to be friends with her anymore.

Thank God I am leaving all the superficial, shallow, moronic people at West High and getting out. Because honestly, I think if I stay here another year I will freak out. It s gotten to the point where I don t even want to apply to the UI because I don t want to stay in Iowa City where I d be forced to keep in contact with all my old friends.

Going to ISU is really my only option in terms of Iowa school. It s really riduculous.
I have a fucking B+ in Communication Studies.

Fucktard Jeff. I should have an A. But noooo.

Even though I performed the best poetry slam I still got half credit taken off for not having it completely memorized. Fuck that. I had more energy than everyone in the fucking class put together.

I m thinking blogging while in a bad mood is not a particularly good thing. It makes me seem like a really big bitch. And in all honesty I probably am being one right now, but really, I don t care.

Subject You re not a factory worker, you re a lovely lady. You know, a prositute
Honestly, I think the title sums up my day.
Haha, I so love my new default pic.

I ve been listening to Showtunes on AOLradio.
So, once again I ve changed my mind. But this time, I m really comfortable with my decision and know it s for me.

I m double majoring in theatre and pre-law. !!

It makes me happy.
But yeah, I should finish my communicatio studies homework.
I hate Jeff Finn.

Really hate him.
My grandpa has been diagnosed with the early stages of Alhzeimers. It probably won t hit me for another few days/weeks/months/years.

I have a slow reaction rate. Maybe it won t hit me emotionally until it happens. Then end, I mean.

When he ll no longer remember me. When my Poppa won t remember me or anyone else.
Okay, so maybe it s hitting me now as I m writing this.

I m not sure if that s good or bad. Better not dely the inevitable I guess. I guess I ll do what I always do to cope.

Research and throw myself into something else completely.
Heh, Austin just randomly IMed me:
Only as a muse (9:46:26 PM): I didn t even know you were online. Besides wall spamming makes me look popular.

Only as a muse (9:47:12 PM): Yeah, how bout my 248 to your 70 somethings And we mean wall on facebook, because honestly, lets face it, myspace sucks. I m not even sure why I use it to blog, just that I do and I like it.
Well, I have psychology homework to do.

My blog views has hit 1149. Including 45 hits within a minute after posting. I m wondering if Myspace has a severe glitch because seriously, I m not that popular.

So yeah, Stacey is here from New York. Much fun to be had. Blake is such a cutie.

He s two months old now!! I can t believe it.

I have no idea what I m going to do for a halloween costume. We were all going to dress up as priates and have a mock battle in the commons, but I m having difficulty finding a costume/pattern that isn t insanely cheesey. I was looking at gypsy costumes, because they seemed to be really good in terms of being piratey, but less cheesey.

Hmm I dunno.
So yeah, not much to post.
Illegal immigrants annoy me.

Immigrants who don t take the time to learn english annoy me.
English class is free at any community college.
People who take no interest in government affairs annoy me.

People who pretend they know what evolution is annoy me.
Really religious people annoy me.
Homophobics annoy me.

Overly sentimental men annoy me.
People who have no self esteem and try to make themselves feel better by bashing you, annoy me.
Sabrina, when she s being herself, generally annoys me.

Kelsey, annoys me.
The fact that none of my friends give a crap about their education and moving out of their parent s house annoys me.
I annoy me at times.

Call me shallow, but I could never go out with someone who was overly sentimental or less intelligent than me. Just couldn t.
I will then get the special scholarship thingy that will ensure my ability to go to almost any college.

Yay for AP. But I m still going to Georgia. When I graduate I don t have the option of staying home even if I were to go to the UI (University of Iowa) because my mom wants me to become economically independant and such.

I agree with her. I know that if I don t make a complete transition at once, I ll probably be too flustered to do it in small segments or whatever.
I m thinking about taking a Political Science class at the University next semester.

You know, get a head on college credit.
I wrote my aunt an email expressing a few of my worries about college right now. So yeah, I have this thing were I don t like to be percieved as vulnerable by other people so I try not to tell them things.

But I really needed some positive reinforcement.
This is most probably going to sound moronic/stupid/dumb/any other word for stupid.
But I ve been talking to a few of my friends about Georgia, and I really like the idea of going there, but every time I get excited and think that I can actually get in and do everything, I find out or am told something that completely drags me down.

It s small things too. Like the fact that freshman have to live on campus. That right there adds around five thousand dollars to the tuition.

And it s not just things like money although that is a big factor because I don t know anything about getting financial aid and I m too embarassed to ask it s other things, like my grades. I don t have the highest grade point average, because for lack of better wording, I ve slacked off. Honestly, I m begining to doubt myself.

Begining to doubt the whole concept of college because it s just so overwhelming and not any sense of the word good.
Yeah, I m sorry for bothering you about this, but you seemed like a good person to tell it to. And you always say if I have any questions or something bothering me to talk to you if I would like to.

So yeah, um this is me doing that.
Yeah, I sound completely insecure and right then I was. I feel a little bit better about it because Liz and I talked some more.

I should seriously stop talking to Austin about college I always end up depressed after talking to me.
I just felt the need to devote an entire blog to saying that Eric Whittacre is possibly one of the hottest men on the face of the planet.
And a genius to boot.

A musical genius.
I love, love, love Leonardo and his flying machine, Sleep, and With a lily in your hand, oh, and don t forget, Godzilla stomps through Las Vegas. Or w/e it s called.

Hal is writing me a letter of recomendation for Georiga.
Which means, I have a 99% chance of getting in.
I love my family.

Subject Admit it, you re scared
Okay. I ll admit it. I m terrified.

Petrified. This whole college deal is scaring the crap out of me. I know my odds, and they re not good.

I regret slacking off and not caring for the past four years. I don t know if I m prepared for what s to come. I m taking three AP tests this year, but I m wondering if I should re-read my AP government textbook and talk to Mr.

Shutt and take the AP Government test this year like I should have taken it last year. And then I should talk to Mrs. Van Zante and ask about somehow, without taking the class, I could study enough to take the AP English test.

I signed up for it, but I decided not to because I thought I wouldn t need it. Crap, crap crap.
On another note, Scrubs is probably one of the most amazing shows ever.

It s too bad they cancled it. Grr. Unless Comedy Central is continuing it.

I don t know. Hmm.
I really need to clean up the living room like my mom told me to and then I need to catch up in AP Economics and AP United States History.

And then study for Psychology and then re-write and memorize my poetry slam for Communication Studies. (By the way, I hate that class. I really wish I would have dropped it, but two open hours looks really bad on high school transcripts.

No offense to Sabrina.)
So, the colleges I m goiing to apply to are:
And some other school that keeps sending me brochures.
Yup.

No columbia. But I m no longer pursing a career in theater. Politcal Science and International Affairs, here I come!

w00t w00t
So, I ve gone on to the UGA website. I ve gotten all the application stuff. I have to wait to apply for the band until I ve actually been accepted to the school.

I ve started registering for SAT. I should also register for the ACT just to be sure. But now, I m really really excited.

I m not quite sure what I want my major to be, but definatetly something in international affairs or economics or law or politics or something like that. i m actually really excited. Go me!

!
Yeah, random, but that s ok.
So today was actually a pretty bad day.

Not overwhelmingly bad. Nothing to make me really upset. Nothing to turn me EMO.

(God forbid)
But today, after finding out that Chase is now going out with Cara, I realized that pretty much every guy I ve ever had a crush on either, has a girlfriend, is gay, or gets a girlfriend soon after meeting me. It s very frustrating. Grr.

But yeah, it s not like it s that big of a thing, just slightly frustrating/exasperating.
I m watching Season Four of Red vs Blue. I love Red vs.

Blue. It s amazing.
I got 22/25 on my AP Econ quiz.

Which is okay. Studying more is probably a good idea. I got a B on my DBQ.

Which is good since I bullshitted my way through the whole thing.
I m bored. I want to go do something.

Maybe I should call Chase. See if he wants to go see a movie. Since he mentioned something about seeing a movie together this weekend, last friday.

But I have to wait until my mom get s home from Alex s. Dr. Alex that is.

Not Alex Bailey. My freshman.
Speaking of Alex Bailey, he s sure that everyone hates him since he came out of the closet last week.

Which is so not true. So, everyone should give him a big hug. (He came out to his church.

O.o)
Well, I m chatting with Dave and watching my siblings, so I ll go for now. That, and I have nothing really to write.

I fucking hate band moms. As in loathe them.
Pixi stix is a way of life for the band geek.

It started ten years ago with Liz s big brothers.
I don t give a damn that we re not technically supposed to have them.
You DO NOT grab one out of my hand, walk away and throw it in the trash.

You do not order me to open my uniform to reveal my stash of pixi stix.
You do not order me to throw them away or put them in Rob s office.
I ended up making quite a few band mom s mad.

Right now, I don t really care because they piss me off and I hate them. (I ll write an apology letter.) But seriously.

Stop bitching at me. So I have writing on my face. It supports West High.

It is in no way shape or form going to ruin my uniform. So my socks aren t white. NO ONE FUCKING CARES!

You can t see our god damn ankles anyways.
Blarg. I m just mad at the band moms.

They can be evil people. Meh.
To top that off, they cancled half time, so all the work we did this week working on the marching for half time was for naught.

And it was raining pretty hard during pre-game and we still went out. I was happy. But scared for my wooden clarinet.

It might be warped. But I m happy we played at all. It sucks that we couldn t play at the battle for the boot.

The biggest West game of the year. City/West.
I m going to go.

Before I become a bigger jerk than I m being and finish my homework and such.
Posted Date: Wednesday, September 20, 2006 - 10:46 AM
So, I watched a pornography for the first time. Kody and Jenny couldn t believe I d never seen one.

So we watch some gay porn. I almost threw up. I felt pretty bad for feeling like that though.

It definatly proves that I am in no way shape or form ready for sex. Not that I m crazy conservative and am planning on saving myself. Goodness, no.

Sex, at the moment at least, frightens me. Haha, yeah, I m weird. But that s okay.

So, I am no a woman of the barricade! w00t. That means that I am actually IN act two(besides the epilogue) Yayyy!

I m excited.
This whole college thing is stressing me out. I honestly don t know where to begin.

O.o I need to study for the SAT, take it, and then do some stuff with financial aid and then apply. Argh.

That and everyone is preassuring me to get it done now.
On a random note; I m still not feeling well from the blood donation. The veins in my right arm are all screwy right now, and I m not sure why.

It doesn t make sense. And it still hurts pretty bad. Other than that my arm LOOKS normal.

Ah, but maybe I am a hypocondriac.
Anyways, I have to go memorize my really retarded poetry slam. maybe I ll post it here after I ve re-written it.

Maybe.
So, today at about 12.45 I donated blood.

I m all sick and gross feeling now, but it was pretty cool at the time. Charlotte, who had just finished before I got there, threw up after donating. That was a bit gross.

Sabrina was crying because she was afraid of needles. Me? I just sat there ingrossed in the whole process.

It was pretty neat. A lot of blood. Getting the needle stuck in wasn t that painful, pulling it out was.

My arm hurt pretty bad afterwards, and still sort of does. I m glad though. My O+ blood will be put to good use.

I really with I were O- so I could be a universal donor, but I m pretty close.
So, I m gonna go study for AP Econ, I have a test tomorrow. And hopefully I won t pass out, because I m feeling pretty gross right now.

Subject Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong
Hanging out with Jenny talking about how the casting of Les Mis sucks is fun. Going to Wal-mart and actually having money is fun, but not as fun as not having money. Weird, eh?

Bugging Lars at his job at Subway in Walmart is fun. Trying on wigs with Kody at Walmart is fun. Losing eleven dollars somewhere between the self check out and the car is not fun.

Eating dinner at Perkins is fun. Eating breakfast of the kid s menu is fun. Drinking sprite with blueberry syrup in it is gross, but still fun.

Buying fake nose piercings, eylashes, purple lipstick and fake tatoos and wearing them in public is fun. Having your car break down and having to push it to a suitable position is not fun. Having Kody and his sister not know how to charge a battery is not fun.

Lighting random things on fire while waiting for Kody s sister to show up is fun. Burning your hand from putting the gas from the lighter in a can and lighting it is not fun, but is in fact rather painful. Not getting home until twelve thirty in the morning is fun.

Evenings with Kody, priceless.
Homework gotten done: zero.
So, I babysat this morning.

Fun but not fun at the same time since Jenny and Kody really wanted to hang out and I really wanted to hang out with them, but I couldn t hang out until around seven pm. But other than that the day was insanely fun. =]
Subject Do you hear the people sing?

Simply, lovely.
Yay. I love my life.

Chase and Kris and Lars and Hailey
And fireworks
And scented candles
And laying on the ground looking up at the sky.
All of those are from last Friday.
Ahhh.

I m loving this summer.
Best summer yet.
The only depressing thing is it s my last summer as a highschooler.

And it s ending so soon and I won t be able to hang out with Kris and Chase anymore.
Ah, well. I enjoy the moments as they happen.

Subject **The End of My Myspace Career?**
So, I m thinking of deleting my myspace account. I don t use it much anyways.

I am forever a Livejournal fan. I use facebook a bit now too.
But yeah, I have a new livejournal.

It s not only_as_a_muse anymore. It represents a past phaze of my life. My new lj account is o0_melomane_0o it s french for music lover.

it s friend only, so you ll have to comment on it to use it.
So yeah, this ll probably be my last blog.
Lots has happened, and if you re cool enough to know about it, you probably already do, or you were there.

Great. Just great.
I m Gone With The Wind crazed again.

Amazing book.
Amazing movie.
Simply, amazing.

So yeah, I m a loser and I m going to go watch my 50th aniversary four disc special edition DVD of it.
Yup.
Loser.

Okay, so my mp3 player was on random right? And all of the sudden I hear First he said he wouldnât leave me..

What a fool to believe that line..Just another one of his obsessions.

.To help pass the time. And I realized I hadn t listened to S Club 7 in forever.

Does anyone else remember that show on ABC Family oh ages ago it seems? The show was actually called S Club 7 and it was like a semi-reality show for the group S Club 7. Fairly stupid looking back on it now, but I thought it was the best show and I got the CD for my birthday.

The songs are actually really good.
So, I got a tan when I was in Arizona Georgia, but my tan is still white-white compared to my grandma s skin and she doesn t even go outside that often. How sad is that?

Although, my freckles have been coming out like crazy. I have like three more on my upper lip, making me look even more like I forever have choclate there.
Oi.

I m home.
Tomorrow I m going to hang out with Kris and a few other people at the pool.
Monday I m going to hang out with Liz somewhere.

I d like to do something with everyone.
Okay, so my mp3 player was on random right? And all of the sudden I hear First he said he wouldnât leave me.

.What a fool to believe that line..

Just another one of his obsessions..To help pass the time.

And I realized I hadn t listened to S Club 7 in forever. Does anyone else remember that show on ABC Family oh ages ago it seems? The show was actually called S Club 7 and it was like a semi-reality show for the group S Club 7.

Fairly stupid looking back on it now, but I thought it was the best show and I got the CD for my birthday. The songs are actually really good.
So, I got a tan when I was in Arizona Georgia, but my tan is still white-white compared to my grandma s skin and she doesn t even go outside that often.

How sad is that? Although, my freckles have been coming out like crazy. I have like three more on my upper lip, making me look even more like I forever have choclate there.

Oi. I m home.
Tomorrow I m going to hang out with Kris and a few other people at the pool.

Monday I m going to hang out with Liz somewhere.
I d like to do something with everyone.
By the way, I m on a diet.

I excercise to a video everyday. I ve been using my mom s three mile thing, but now I have a dance video. You learn cool dances while working out.

Doesn t get much better than that does it?
I have voice lessons on Tuesdays at 3:30 now. I m very excited.

I have new mp3 player, and it makes me happy.
I ve bought some choir music, and I m going to buy a special keyboard for my computer. It has the normal keyboard and then a piano keyboard on it.

I ll use it to work on choir. I ve found the college that I want to go to. I saw the website and watch some videos and looked at pictures of the campus and students, and I just know.

It s where I want to be. Columbia College of Chicago. Amazing.

Simply, amazing.
I ve discovered a new broadway musical. Avenue Q.

You ve just got to love it. I watched a bootlegged version of it last night. It was hilarious.

ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with
My favorite book, Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s.
No roommate to bother me.
How could it get any better than this?

ROD
Hi Nicky.
NICKY
Hey Rod, you ll never
Guess what happened to
Me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me
NICKY
He was being real friendly,
And I think he was coming on to me.

I think he might ve thought I was gay!
ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care?

I don t care.
What did you have for lunch today?
NICKY
Oh, you don t have to get
All defensive about it, Rod
ROD
I m NOT getting defensive!

What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I m trying to read.
NICKY
Oh, I didn t mean anything by it, Rod.

I just think it s something we should be able to talk about.
ROD
I don t want to talk about it,
Nicky! This conversation is over!

!!
NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know
IF YOU WERE GAY
THAT D BE OKAY.

I MEAN CAUSE, HEY,
I D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.
BECAUSE YOU SEE,
IF IT WERE ME,
I WOULD FEEL FREE
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY
(BUT I M NOT GAY.)
ROD
Nicky, please!

I am trying to read .
What?!

ROD
Ah, Nicky!
NICKY
I D STILL BE HERE,
ROD
Nicky, I m trying to read this book.
NICKY
BECAUSE YOU RE DEAR
TO ME,
NICKY
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,
ROD
I would?

ROD
High Button Shoes, Pal Joey
NICKY
SO WHAT SHOULD IT
MATTER TO ME
WHAT YOU DO IN BED
WITH GUYS?
NICKY
No it s not!
IF YOU WERE GAY
I D SHOUT HOORAY!

ROD
I am not listening!
NICKY
AND HERE I D STAY,
ROD
La la la la la!
NICKY
BUT I WOULDN T GET
IN YOUR WAY.

ROD
BUT I M NOT GAY!
NICKY
If you were gay.
Ah yes, the wonders of the movie Lonestar State of Mind.

So it s been a while. So I m back from Arizona. Which kind of sucks/kind of rocks.

We gained like a gagillion pounds on the way there, because we had to stop at Lamar. Ugh. I probably already ranted about it.

Maybe I didn t. But yeah, sadly I am officially not going to Seattle this year. Tearfest, right?

Well, there s an adventure that won t happen.
But yeah, Arizona was fun, and I leave for Georgia in a week or two. I m quite the traveler, no?

I found our Heck Week schedule for band. It starts really early this year. That makes me happy.

And we can get t-shirts and sweat shirts for band. How cool is that?!

I m excited. You should be excited.
Stayed up till three in the morning playing tony hawk stuff on the PS2.

Pretty much Katrina and I couldn t sleep. And the room smelled bad. That s what you get for staying at old people s houses.

We were afraid to sleep on the bed. It s Austin s bed, and if you knew Austin, you d be afraid too. By the way, I m talking about my evil cousin Austin, not Austin my friend.

Heh. He still had my RENT movie. CURSE HIM!

!
So I rediscovered a site I haden t used in a while. tagged.

com My cousin Katrina uses it, so I ll have to start using it more often. It s been over a year. Yikes.

Well, hummmm. I can t think of anything. I m just glad to be home and have computer acess/internet access.

Subject What do you mean you re out of catchy witticisms?
Ah yes, summer began a week ago today. Today also happens to be Korey s birthday.

Yay Korey! I love my little brother. He s three today.

I wish I could be there to celebrate it with him. But I m here, in Arizona. I ve had a lot of fun so far.

Lots of drama though. There s always drama when I come here. LOL.

Jennifer has a picture of my mom and dad at prom. It s a picture I ve never seen before. I like it.

He s actually smiling. And when I look at that picture, then I do kind of look like him. Which makes me really happy.

Spent the night at Nic s today. ( [six_dragons] on elftown.) He s my cousin.

We played some video games and stuff. He let me play Final Fantasy X. Wow.

These games are deffinately harder than I thought. Then again, I m still stuck in the super mario era. LOL.

So yeah, we were in Colorado for like three days. Katrina and I stayed in the R.V.

the entire time. We watched over twelve movies and ate snacks the whole time. Needless to say we each gained about a million pounds.

LOL. We had to stay there because Great Grandma and Grandpa were doing some funeral arangement with this other old lady. It was really weird.

But we finally got here.
I m getting my prom pictures developed. All I have to do is go and pick them up now.

I just got them on a CD. It s cheaper and it ll be easier to upload them here and on facebook.
Speaking of things that are weird.

Brian s sister added me on facebook. Not something I would have thought she would do. I didn t know she even knew me.

Well, I know she did know me, because Brian and I used to be best friends. Enter Junior High. LOL.

Junior high sucks.
I still can t believe I m a senior. It seems like only yesturday Tomeka and I were in fifth grade, trapeezing around the nature center.

Ah, those were the days. I remember when we wanted to start a petition to turn that old corn field into a community park/extension of the nature center or a place for the seniors to do outdoor activites instead of building the condos. We never did get that done, but it was one of the many things we wanted to do.

Posted Date: Sunday, June 04, 2006 - 11:58 AM
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I m not that girl:
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who s winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That s the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I m not that girl:
Don t wish, don t start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn t born for the rose and the pearl
There s a girl I know
He loves her so
I m not that girl.
Yeah, still Wicked crazed. Although, it s kind of depressing me right now.

*sighs* I m not writing the song here, because it refers to someone particular, but just because it kind of describes my state of mind. nnmmbleh.
I still can t believe that Fiyero is the scarecrow.

It was so beautiful at the end. And the Wizard was Elphaba s daughter. Yup.

Tearjerker. And poor Boq, and poor Nessarose.
I begin to wonder if anyone ever reads this.

And if they read this what they think.
Clearly, I leave a lot of things out.
Huh.

Elphaba: It s okay, everybody love you.
Glinaa: I don t care. I want HIM This must be what other people feel like HOW DO THEY BARE IT?

!
*goes to sleep listening to Wicked*