Whenever I'm within earshot of a black woman pining for the love of a black man right after she's been jilted or otherwise hoodwinked by the same, I issue what has become my standard response: "When black men come up, that's when we, as a people, will rise. We sisters go where they go. We do what they ask.
We follow their lead - even if we don't want to call it that. We're that desperate for their love." I whipped out this line when a young woman in my church informed me recently that a handsome young preacher who'd sought her out was, in fact, married.
When confronted about his duplicity, he insisted he'd been misread, which was another lie. He'd grilled her. He asked her name, profession, coordinates, how her chocolate skin maintained such a pretty glow, about her pastimes and, oh yeah, her availability.
Before I dig deeper into this dirt, let me acknowledge that creepy, crawling husbands come in all kinds of skin. Can you say Bill Clinton? And, in fact, some very honorable black men color my world, including my own beau and several of my best buddies.
As far as I can tell, they live dutifully. But the very sight of a hot-off-the-newsstand magazine cover featuring P. Diddy and pretty Kim Porter, the long-suffering one who'd just borne him a son when he went off globe-trotting with J.
Lo, had me mumbling that rehearsed protest line under my breath. Diddy and Porter have never married, though they have carried on as though they are married people. Former model Porter is gorgeous, pregnant now with Diddy's twins, and the mother to another child whose father, according to the article in Essence, is Al B.
Sure. (A hit-making blip on the soul-singing circuit a few years back.) Porter hung in there while Diddy and J.
Lo showed up in front of the cameras, rather ubiquitously, hand-in-hand, snuggled up, smiling and looking like they were the real thing. According to the play-by-play of celebrity reportage, Diddy went running back to Porter after it was clear that J.Lo would be moving on to her next man.
She couldn't handle being coupled with a star rapper-producer who'd gone to court on gun charges, even if the charges were tossed out. Despite that highly public betrayal by Diddy during what has been 12 years of on and off and now on again with Porter, she says he's still her man. Pressed for hard answers by Essence's reporter, Diddy admits some guilt and momentary insanity as it regards the J.
Lo fling. Also in that article, he so much as posited that men go astray because God never wired them for lifetime mating with one woman. Right now he is, he says, as monogamous as he's ever been.
But he's not given Porter a wedding ring because he's still refining his skills at the boyfriend thing. Read it for yourself. Call it welcome honesty, if you must.
But how does a woman trust a man like that, let alone keep making babies with him? During this era of marital decline for all groups, black women are the least likely of any to find a husband. This sad reality has been the catalyst for such organizations as the sponsors of Black Marriage Day and Marry Your Baby Daddy Day, which would seem absurd if the situation were not so absurd, these times so extreme.
I don't like Diddy's music. By no means will I be putting down my hard-earned dollars for his latest project, a CD of Diddy riffing on Diddy's personal aspirations and, as he sees it, ongoing transformation. He's got tons of money and influence, gets his face and words in mainstream magazines, on radio and in television.
If he morphed into a different kind of man, perhaps his minions and fans would follow suit. The men would find themselves wives and be more fully present for their children. The women would undress and slip under the covers only after they've received a firm commitment of a man's long-term commitment - and not a moment before.
Sometimes, we women have to help a man be a better man. Sometimes we need to walk away, just say no, rather than suffer one more humiliation.
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