When Leona Lewis won X Factor, one of three main responses was prompted from the people watching at home. 1) Thank God for that, at least that swivel-eyed twerp who looks like a demonic ventriloquist s dummy didn t win, 2) O No I Luvvvvvvv Ray Ur So gawjus Babe UR F2F Lol!
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!!1!
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1!! or 3) Did I really waste two and a half fucking hours of my precious life actually watching this shit?
I feel so so dirty. Do you really need to ask which of these three responses we were going through as Leona Lewis stammered and sobbed her way to X Factor victory on Saturday? Do you?
Really?
Posted in , on December 18th, 2006 |
The final of X Factor is always a bittersweet affair. Any trace of sadness that the country s premiere talent show competition is balanced by the creeping certainty that we re going to be really really violently sick of the winner by Sunday afternoon.
We ve seen X Factor right from the start - from back in the summer, in fact, when we had nothing better to do with our time than to laugh at the borderline disabled contestants who lined up in the pouring rain with 10,000 other grasping shitheads just so they could sing the first three words of The Greatest Love Of All before getting called an awful wanker by Simon Cowell. Since then we watched the obligatory rubbish X Factor bootcamp episodes and then what we d all been waiting for - the live X Factor elimination shows. Anyone remember 4Sure?
Dionne? The wheelchair girl? They don t matter any more - tomorrow is the X Factor final; it s a straight-ahead race between dull but good Leona Lewis and dull but shit Ray Quinn.
This is your last chance to place an X Factor bet, people. Do us proud.
Posted in on December 15th, 2006 |
The X Factor semi-final is a serious event - so serious, in fact, that it can t be tainted by having a ropey old theme sellotaped to it like in previous weeks; well, either that or the X Factor people realised that a Gloria Estefan theme would be patently crap.
No, instead - for the first time - X Factor didn t have a theme. And you know what? It felt weird.
So instead of putting up with it, we zapped up a bunch of special homemade X Factor themes to stop us getting confused. At various points on Saturday, we decided that we were watching the X Factor What The Fuck Does Kate Thornton Think She s Wearing? theme night, the X Factor See Who Can Do The Most Stupidly Large Keychange theme night and the X Factor Wait A Minute, Aren t They Just Singing Songs From The 2005 X Factor Final?
theme night. And lo, we were happy. But who s going to win X Factor?
Well, Leona will, obviously. But let s pretend we don t know that and look at the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis
Posted in on December 12th, 2006 |
Can you feel the excitement? Can you?
We re so excited we can hardly move - X Factor is almost over for another year! No, we mean it s because the X Factor final is less than a week away, but it ll take place without Bellowing Ben Mills.
Since X Factor started, Ben Mills has received by far the least amount of supportive comments from hecklerspray readers.
Why was this? We think we ve got it down to two things: 1) He s got a twat s haircut and 2) he sneers like a paedophile when he sings. However, it might equally have something to do with the way that Ben refused to be as cynically manipulative as Leona and Ray.
Where Ray started weeping because he loves Liverpool and Leona started weeping because she s got a dead cousin, Ben just squeaked out a weedy little My Mum likes this song, chucked out a rendition of I Still Haven t Found What I m Looking For so completely uneventful that it could have feasibly been performed by The MacDonald Brothers, and got promptly voted off X Factor as a result. Where are we supposed to go when we want to hear long-haired fools shouting songs like they re trying to get the moon s attention? Oh, that s right - we never wanted to hear that in the first place.
But who s going to win X Factor on Saturday? Stay tuned for Leona s betting odds tomorrow, but for now here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn
Posted in on December 11th, 2006 |
Until Saturday, we were beginning to think that X Factor was getting a little bit stale. Every week was the same old thing; a mouldy old rocker shoehorned into an uncomfortably-fitting theme night that s really just an extended advert for their Greatest Hits album.
But all that changed on Saturday s X Factor. Because on Saturday s X Factor everybody got to choose their own song independently of their expert judges, and the result was a masterstroke of deranged lunacy we just didn t think X Factor was capable of. What s that?
You want to sing a tartan-bedecked Bay City Rollers song? Whatever you say, turdface. And you?
A tuneless Queen song without the aid of any instruments at all? Be my guest you effing moron. Letting the remaining X Factor hopefuls pick their own songs was genius - in one stroke it proved that however bad you think the X Factor judges are at picking songs, they re not as bad as Ray.
Posted in on December 6th, 2006 |
But never let it be said that X Factor can t surprise you - on Saturday gurning pop pensioner Barry Manilow was wheeled on as the celebrity guest. That meant that not only did Leona, Ben, The MacDonald Brothers and Ray all have to sing a soppy Barry Manilow tune as their first choice, but they also had to listen to Barry Manilow s advice, which all just the same old rot about trying to imagine a girl called Mandy or a girl that they can t smile without or a girl that could make it magic or a girl who made it through the rain.
Or something. To his credit, Barry Manilow did go as far as saying that the X Factor hopefuls were inspiring which probably means that his next album is going to be a bone-chilling collection of insipid, off-key Whitney Houston cover versions.
Posted in on December 5th, 2006 |
But, and this is something we d never thought we d find ourselves writing, The MacDonald Brothers didn t go down without a fight.
Well, as much fight as two weedy-looking wedding singers are capable of, which really isn t a lot. Their version of Can t Smile Without You would have sounded exactly like the sort of performance that cub scouts give at nursing homes to get their Making Senile Old People Happy Via The Power Of Bland Music badges were it not for the giant terrifying off-key note at the end, which our scientists have proved is the exact same note that is played in old films to signify that a character has become mentally unstable. Not even a Jive Bunny-sounding version of Shang-A-Lang by The Bay City Rollers that was backed by flapping tartan and literally couldn t have been more Scottish if they d have sung it drunk on Tennents Super under a railway arch could save them.
But now that The MacDonald Brothers are done for, who ll win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn
Posted in on December 4th, 2006 |
We re getting to the point of X Factor where all the awful acts have gone, and only the very best remain. Only that s not the case at all - so long as Ray and The MacDonald Brothers stay in X Factor, it ll still have its share of joke performers.
And the joke acts seem to be slowly edging out the decent X Factor performers, which is even more bewildering. Take Ben Mills for example - yes he looks like he d be a horrible tosser to know, but at least he can sort of sing a bit. On Saturday Ben was in the final two of X Factor.
And Ray wasn t. That would usually be enough for us to go searching our noose cupboard for the best fit, were it not for the continued success of Leona Lewis, who is as boring as an envelope encyclopedia but can also sort of sing a bit. Leona s going to win X Factor.
Surely. Right?
Posted in on November 29th, 2006 |
We re coming to regard the discovery of each week s dull-witted X Factor theme as the one solid gold highlight of our weekends.
Having dispatched Love Songs and Number Ones in the last fortnight, X Factor unveiled its biggest gun yet.
That s right - the theme for Saturday s X Factor was Songs From The Movies. And which film-soundtracking genius did X Factor rope into being the special musical guest?
John Williams? Ennio Morricone? Kenny Loggins, even?
No - the special musical guests for Saturday s film-themed X Factor were Il Divo, who presumably contributed to the soundtrack of the movie Who The Hell Are These Clueless Fucktards? Our breath is literally baited to see what guff-headed theme the X Factor team manage to pull out of the bag next week. Literally.
But who ll win X Factor this year? Here are the X Factor betting odds for The MacDonald Brothers and Ben Mills
Posted in on November 28th, 2006 |
Some things you just don t do. For instance, we ve learnt that screaming insults into your mobile phone midway through the funeral of an elderly relative is generally frowned upon; and on Saturday, X Factor s Eton Road learnt another valuable lesson.
And what a lesson it was - it was the lesson that goes In the vital final stages of a national televised singing competition, whatever you do don t sing a song about two lions humping each. On Saturday s X Factor, Eton Road got the boot because they sang a horrible wobbly off-key version of Can You Feel The Love Tonight from The Lion King, with our old friend the Botoxy Eunuch gasping and wheezing his lines like he was suddenly being struck down by a particularly severe bout of Angina. But don t worry, because Louis Walsh has offered Eton Road a record contract - so this is just the first chapter of their story.
We re looking forward to seeing the remaining chapters of the Eton Road story, which will include a number 37 hit single, a desperate last-gasp appearance on some tawdry reality TV show and then a lifetime of all-consuming bitterness.
But now that Eton Road are out of X Factor, are we any closer to discovering who ll win? Will Ray Quinn win X Factor?
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