JK Rowling and the Harry Potter publishers yesterday announced the title of the final Harry Potter book yesterday via an annoyingly complicated online game of hangman - Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.
Now, that s all we know about the final Harry Potter book - there isn t even a release date yet - and it s leading to all sorts of speculation from the children and adults who can t read proper books yet that make up the Harry Potter fan army. Deathly Hallows? Sounds a bit gloomy - perhaps Harry Potter really will die at the end of the book like everyone says.
And just what the hell is a deathly hallows anyway? However, hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows is a hoax name to give the impression that Harry Potter will come to a nasty end - the real title of the book is Harry Potter And The Lovely Rainbow-Coloured Munchkin Rabbits Of Bibbledy Bobbledy Lane.
Posted in on December 22nd, 2006 |
These are testing times for JK Rowling - every day that she doesn t finish writing the final book of the Harry Potter series is a day that a dump-truck doesn t come to her house loaded up with cash and valuable historical artifacts from around the world.
And JK Rowling is right to feel the pressure too, since she has a big task ahead of her - deciding exactly how to kill Harry Potter in the final book Harry Potter And The Deadly Hallows. We re doing our best to help JK Rowling out, although she hasn t relied to our Why not have a billion red ants strip the flesh off Harry s bones? letter yet.
Despite our best efforts, the stress of completing the Harry Potter saga is so great that JK Rowling has started dreaming about Harry Potter for the very first time. Perhaps these dreams will influence JK Rowling s writing, and in the new book we ll see Harry Potter s teeth fall out and start screaming at him in his mother s voice in front of all his friends. On the moon.
Yes, we d like that.
Posted in on December 21st, 2006 |
Here s something we didn t anticipate. Family members of murder victim Ron Goldman seem to think that paying OJ Simpson millions of dollars to write a book where he invents a brand new way to murder their relative was probably in bad taste.
Who d have thought? In fact, it s probably fair to say that Ron Goldman s dad is so incensed with If I Did It, Here s How It Happened by OJ Simpson that he s launching a lawsuit against OJ Simpson, for allegedly making $1 million from the deal in a fraudulent way. And Fred Goldman isn t stopping there - it s thought that similar lawsuits will be aimed at fired If I Did It, Here s How It Happened publisher Judith Regan and possibly Rupert Murdoch for overseeing the whole shebang.
All in all, the event has caused OJ Simpson to put pen to paper for a second time, to write a new book called If I Did It, I d Try And Make Sure That I Somehow Bumped Fred Goldman Off Too.
Posted in , on December 20th, 2006 |
But things sometimes don t go the way you expect them to, and that s the case with If I Did It, Here s How it Happened by OJ Simpson. Thanks to some crazy fools thinking that a book written by a man found to be legally liable for the deaths of his ex-wife and her friend describing exactly how he would have brutally murdered them if he had the chance was in bad taste, If I Did It, Here s How It Happened by OJ Simpson will never see the light of day.
And thanks to all the fuss that the OJ Simpson Murdering Former Spouses And Their Friends For Dummies caused, the woman in charge of the whole shebang, Judith Regan, has been sacked by Rupert Murdoch.
Posted in , , on December 18th, 2006 |
hecklerspray had an ex write a book on us once. It was horrible.
She detailed our most intimate secrets, like how most of our time was spent in hecklerspray s mom s basement on weekday afternoons/early evenings drinking lukewarm capri-sun with a five-foot boa constrictor draped around our neck. Now that s just private, man!
And you know who feels our pain?
Britney Spears. She really does. And this time it s not at the hands of her soon-to-be ex-husband - no!
It s at the hands of her already ex-husband. You remember that guy? He was on Seinfeld or something, and was married to Spears for something like 2 1/2 days.
Yup, he s writing a book about their childhood growing up together, and how they did-it like jack rabbits for just less than one quarter of their 55-hour wedded bliss.
Those numbers may not be exact, now. Posted in , on December 1st, 2006 |
Firstly there s the obvious question about how OJ Simpson would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, which we ll never get to know now that Fox has pulled the plug.
Secondly - and more importantly - there s the question that goes What in the name of shrieking piss were you thinking, OJ Simpson? because it probably wouldn t occur to most people to write a book about how they d have done the murder of their ex-wife and her friend that they had already been found to be liable for. OJ Simpson knows this, and he s made it clear that any money If I Did It, Here s How It Happened raised would have been blood money, but blood money that he sorely needs because his retirement money is running out.
Cuh, people just aren t as quick to employ people who are prepared to describe the imaginary murder of their already-murdered ex-wives these days, are they?
Posted in , , on November 23rd, 2006 |
It was the question that the whole world wanted to see OJ Simpson answer - even though he didn t kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, how would OJ Simpson have gruesomely murdered them differently if he was given the chance?
Well, it s a question that you re never going to find the answer to, because the forthcoming book and TV interview entitled OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here s How It Happened has been cancelled by Fox after it received just about as many public complaints as you d expect a critique of two murders by the man who was found to be liable for them to get.
In fact the pressure on Fox to ditch OJ Simpson s weird murder fantasies was so great that Rupert Murdoch himself apologised to the whole world for planning to publish and broadcast them in the first place, leaving OJ Simpson ready to launch his slightly less offensive plan B - a recipe book and TV cookery show entitled If I Baked A Selection Of Delicious Scones, Here s How It Happened.
Posted in , , on November 21st, 2006 |
Chances are you re currently thinking Well hecklerspray, I d imagine the single most guff-headed thing to do in the wake of my murder trial would be to write a book about how the murders would have been different if I d have carried them out. And you d be correct, only OJ Simpson has beaten you to it - the massively ill-advised book If I Did It, where OJ Simpson precisely details exactly how he d have murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman it if was him that got to do it, will be published in a couple of weeks.
And, just for the Americans that can t read, OJ Simpson is going to go over the bones of the book in a televised interview with Fox later on this month.
Posted in , on November 15th, 2006 |
To many youngsters these days, Ozzy Osbourne is nothing more than the stumbling wreck of a man who can t work VCRs and bellows Sharon! at the screeching moronic woman from X Factor all the time, thanks to The Osbournes.
But Ozzy Osbourne doesn t just absent-mindedly stammer about being the Prince Of Darkness for no reason - in his prime Ozzy Osbourne was the definition of rock and roll excess. You kids might not know it now, but you ll see when Motley Crue s staggeringly outrageous autobiography The Dirt is turned into a movie in 2008. You ll see what classic-era Ozzy Osbourne was capable of, or at least you ll see what mental-haired, oddly-inflecting Hollywood weirdo Christopher Walken makes of him, since it ll be Christopher Walken who ll get to play Ozzy Osbourne in The Dirt movie.
But if you think that s a strange choice, just be thankful that nobody let Jon Effing Culshaw take the role.
Posted in , , on November 9th, 2006 |
You know - despite spending a good deal of our time either looking up weird websites or thinking of new ways to insult Mariah Carey - we re a literary bunch here at hecklerspray.
That - book-readin and stuff - is how we discovered the frankly brilliant Koren Zailckas, whose memoir Smashed is one of the most eye-opening, honest and exceptionally well-written things we ve clapped our eyes on in many a month.
We caught up with Koren to chat about alcohol abuse, flag-burning, the rubbishness of Jonathan Franzen, Finding Forrester, Johnny Cash and all the fun stuff in between. And you know what? We ve only gone and put it online for the whole bloody world (well, about 60,000ish of you per day) to read.
That s how nice we are.
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