And who s to blame you for coming to hecklerspray for comfort? We re always here for you no matter what, with the fat milky teat of celebrity news for you to suckle upon.
Except for right now. We re taking this week off - and today we re go-karting in Dubai with Uri Gellar - and to make up for our absence we re giving you Spray Picks 06, a daily rundown of shit that we thought was cool this year. Why?
Because we re lazy and our opinion matters.
Posted in , on December 27th, 2006 |
Now we re not sure if this is brilliant news or awful news - the confusing, squawked, tear-soaked, mangled beyond comprehension version of 9 To 5 that Jessica Simpson sang as a recent tribute to Dolly Parton will never be seen on TV.
You could say it s good news that Jessica Simpson and CBS have jointly decided to remove 9 To 5 from the scheduled Boxing Day broadcast of the Kennedy Centre Honours because - let s face it - three and a half minutes where you don t see Jessica Simpson on TV yowling like a trapped cat is infinitely better than three and a half minutes where you do.
But we can t help also being a little sad at the news, because who in their right mind would actually watch the Kennedy Centre Honours for any other reason than to have a quick chuckle at a bright orange manjawed woman arsing up the lines of a song and tearfully running from the stage without any applause at all?
Posted in , , on December 22nd, 2006 |
Let s get one thing straight - movie stars are idiots. All of them.
Apart from memorising two or three lines of text at a time and then repeating them back with their faces mashed into what they hope is a vague approximation of emotion, what do movie stars actually do?
Nothing. Because they re idiots.
But you read hecklerspray, so that automatically makes you not an idiot. So then, if you were to be in a film, you d be the only non-idiot movie star in the world. How cool is that?
More specifically, how cool is it that we re letting you have a go at being in a proper film. It s all down to Be The Movie Star. Be The Movie Star is the new website of director Steve Nesbit, and he s going to use Be The Movie Star to find the male and female leads of his new thriller movie.
In theory, you re all smart and beautiful enough to do this (except you - you are stupid and ugly). So what are you waiting for? Upload your audition pieces to Be The Movie Star and wait for the public to vote you as potential movie stars in the waiting.
And if you re fortunate enough to win Be The Movie Star, let us know. Because that will technically make us your agents and we ll aggressively pursue our 12%.
Posted in , on December 22nd, 2006 |
As much as you respect Lindsay Lohan for constantly talking so much demented nonsense that she s actually become a parody of a parody of herself, it s another of Lindsay Lohan s talents that should be grabbing your attention at the moment - stripping.
That s right - Lindsay Lohan is going to play a stripper in a new film entitled I Know Who Killed Me. But don t get too excited about it, because Lindsay Lohan s preparation for the movie hasn t been going well at all - according to reports, Lindsay Lohan has written an email to all her friends describing just how upsettingly bruised her legs have become after taking pole-dancing lessons. And a good job too, since there s certainly nothing we d like to see more than the mottled, welt-covered stick-thin legs of an Alcoholics Anonymous member with a history of eating disorders gyrating on a 30ft screen in front of us for two hours, no siree.
Posted in , on December 19th, 2006 |
It s strange to see how the US weekend box office reacts against itself sometimes.
Last week Mel Gibson s Apocalypto - a couple of hours of blood-splattered violence that managed to out-shock even Saw 3 - was the number one weekend box office movie, and this week The Pursuit Of Happyness - an insufferably twee film about how much Will Smith s love for his son can even overcome obstacles such as being sack, becoming homeless and having the woman from Mission: Impossible II walk out on them both. We d be happy to describe The Pursuit Of Happyness further, but thinking about it has made us cry vomit out of our arses.
Posted in on December 18th, 2006 |
Now that mostly everyone seems to think that Casino Royale was a partial success - even if was 30 minutes too long and didn t have enough scenes of space lasers blowing up invisible cars - it s time to look to the next James Bond film.
The plot of James Bond 22 isn t too much of a secret - we saw one of the baddies that James Bond is after at the end of Casino Royale, and we re fairly certain that there won t be a single joke in the entire sodding film - but the big question is about who s going to do the theme-tune to Bond 22? According to Brandon Flowers from The Killers, it s going to be them. Which would be good, aside from the fact that The Killers are really lousy and their song is bound to be shit.
Posted in , on December 15th, 2006 |
Sienna Miller. Think hard, you know who Sienna Miller is.
She was in Layer Cake for eight seconds and Alfie for 14 seconds, remember? Oh, and she was Jude Law s girlfriend when he started banging the help. But even though Sienna Miller is approximately a million times more famous for sort of going out with the balding bloke from The Holiday than she is for doing a job - and is still far less famous than Howard from the Halifax advert - Sienna Miller still clearly has her eyes on the Voice Of A Generation prize, and has decided to tell Tatler all sorts of lazy, barely-conceived generalisations in the hope that it makes her look either clever or deep.
It doesn t. For starters, Sienna Miller doesn t like reality TV because of, you know, what it does to, like, society. And stuff.
Posted in , , on December 15th, 2006 |
Well Babel, mainly, the absurdly depressing story about how one random-seeming depressing act impacts on a raft of other depressing characters across the globe until everyone ends up so depressed that they just stay in bed all day. Babel received the most Golden Globes nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Drama, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actress (again), Best Screenplay, Best Score and Best Film To Show An Unhappy Person If You Want Them To Fling Themselves Off A Building The Instant it Finishes.
But you want to find out what got nominated for the other Golden Globes, don t you. Don t you?
Posted in on December 14th, 2006 |
Olivia Newton-John is well-known to millions of imagination-deprived teenage girls as Sandy from Grease.
But pikey-love don t pay the bills, and so Olivia Newton-John has needed to go to brand new lengths to try and get her hands on some cash.
Olivia Newton-John has decided to do this by suing Universal Music Group Ltd for $1 million that she says she s owed in unpaid royalties for the Grease soundtrack. And Universal is playing hard-ball with Olivia Newton-John in response, saying that it expects the case to be thrown out quickly.
Now, we re no legal experts, but we expect that Olivia Newton-John and Universal Music will probably turn up in court and go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dingity ding da dong shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yippity boom da boom chang chang changity chang shoo bop dip da dip da dip do wop da dooby do boogy boogy boogy boogy shooby sho wap sho wap. Or fucking something.
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