Macaulay comes good!
Was Jacko saved by Culkin sperm?
MacCaulay Culkin's testimony that Michael
Jackson had never fiddled with him went
a long way to persuading the jury that
Gavin Arvizo's story couldn't be trusted.
But we hear from a source in Santa Maria
that Macaulay didn't want to testify
until the judge ruled that he could not be
asked any questions about whether he was the
real sperm donor for Paris Jackson...
Michael's blonde, fair-skinned daughter.
-----------------------------------------------------
US media insiders are whispering that Tom Cruise's
recent odd behaviour can be explained by the
actor recently coming off his ADD medicine..
.
-----------------------------------------------------
On a remote pacific island, lumbering males of
immense stupidity are half-heartedly
attempting to have sex..
.
In the Galapagos Islands the giant tortoise
population is dwindling. The males perform their
ancient mating rituals with the females and,
instead of being met with passive compliance,
as they have been for generations, they are spat
at, bitten and rejected, before the female walks
away and seeks out other women for company.
This started happening when scientists started
artificially inseminating the tortoises in a bid
to keep up numbers. But now the girls have come
to prefer this method of having babies - cutting
out the need for boy tortoises entirely. (They
must have met Paul Danan).
So fewer and fewer
natural births are taking place. There are
dozens of male tortoises dying virgins,
the most famous of whom is known to naturalists
as "Lonely George".
-----------------------------------------------------
Number two and three in this week's singles charts
have been slowly climbing up the charts: James
Blunt and Audio Bullys.
Interesting new trend.
-----------------------------------------------------
That'll be the Diaz
Watch out Justin, Paul's after Cameron
Paul Danan, the must-watch star of Celebrity
Love Island. But before Isabella Hervey and
Nikki Ziering, Paul used to have an obsession
with Cameron Diaz.
He went to LA to try and
meet her, and when he couldn't Paul found out
who her lawyer was, and sent a designer handbag
and pair of shoes to him for Cameron.
Paul then got himself into the Charlies Angels
premiere and tried to get the security guards
to let him into the VIP area to meet Diaz.
When that failed he took to shouting across
the velvet rope "Cam.
.. Cam.
. did you like
your bag? It was from me you know!
"
Unsurprisingly, Mr Danan was ejected as officials
thought he was a stalker.
(Fyi: Despite everyone's initial misgivings, the
torrent of bad reviews and despite, or because of,
its minimalist tedium Celebrity Love Island
brilliant. This summer's most talked-about TV.
Next to it, Big Brother looks fake, gimmicky, and
crammed with attention-seeking wannabes.)
-----------------------------------------------------
Geriwatch: album new entry, no 41, selling 5000
copies. Second week album midweek position, no 96.
-----------------------------------------------------
Which reality TV show presenter enjoys visiting
a whorehouse near his home, where he
particularly likes the girls' sticking
their fingers up his arsehole?
Which golden celebrity couple is being torn
apart by both partners' love of cocaine
His career choices are getting affected by
it and, funnily enough, it hasn't helped
cure her post-natal depression
-----------------------------------------------------
Elton and David's wedding will be a low-key affair
at their Windsor home. Two dates - in November and
December - are being planned in case of media leaks.
-----------------------------------------------------
The Nazi's created the world's first sex doll:
Borghild. The "field-hygienic project" was
an initiative of Himmler, who was concerned
about the "unnecessary losses" the German
army suffered from in France from prostitutes.
Borhild was created in Dresden in 1941 using
"skin-friendly polymers" and "a realistic
organ".
Borghild was meant to reflect the
beauty ideal of the Nazis: white skin, fair
hair and blue eyes. It's creator said it
was based on "an artificial face of lust..
.
exactly like the common wanton's face."
Sadly, as the war progressed badly for Germany,
the project was shelved.
-----------------------------------------------------
Danny Rampling is retiring from DJing...
to purse a career in cooking.
-----------------------------------------------------
Talent borrows, genius steals
But only the desperate rip off Young Disciples
Oasis' new album has been totally overshadowed
by Coldplay. It's no surprise: the Mancs' best
days are definitely behind them.
While making the
album Noel Gallagher visited Marco from Young
Disciples, who played him some new songs. When
the new album came out Marco was astonished to
find that one of Oasis' tracks was remarkably
similar to one of the songs he had played to
Noel. Cue legal issues and a bitter new song
by Marco: Uncle Noel's Coming to Tea.
.
-----------------------------------------------------
Nick Cave was spotted paintballing last weekend in
Effingham, Surrey. When the instructor asked who
paintballed regularly Nick put his hand up.
-----------------------------------------------------
While the unlucky Muslims at Guantanamo are
subjected to the inhuman torture of Christina
Aguilera on repeat play, their leaders back
in the Middle East are doing their bit to
preserve the purity of Islam.
Prince Faisal Al Saud of Saudi Arabia regularly
hires out the Al Falak ballroom of the Burj Al
Arab in Dubai, the world's most expensive hotel.
He always flies in a dozen or so of the best
call girls from Lebanon and Syria.
The girls
parade around in knee-length boots and mini
skirts...
but in order to comply with the
Koran also wear a hijab or veil.
So that's alright then..
.
-----------------------------------------------------
Chris Martin celebrated Coldplay's number one
album success on Sunday at the Landsdown pub, west
London, where he bought everyone a drink.
-----------------------------------------------------
Taking the mickey
Mickey Rourke: no genius
zymunt writes:
"When Sin City star Mickey Rourke was filming
A Prayer For The Dying, he was taken on a tour
of Belfast.
The was first time he'd ever been
to Ireland, despite allegations of him giving
money to Sinn Fienn and the IRA. While
walking near the Shankhill Road, Mickey
(seemingly oblivious to the red, white and blue
kerbstones) whipped off his shirt to show off
his IRA Tattoo. His horrified escorts pointed
out that this really wasn't a good idea.
Mickey replied "What? These people is Irish..
.
they'll LOVE it"
-----------------------------------------------------
Alesha from Mis-Teeq's younger sister reached the
finals of Miss Hertfordshire at the Pulse nightclub
in Stevenage tlast weekend.
-----------------------------------------------------
Things to make you go hmmn
Dolls, asylum seeker, Arjen Robben
A German student has started a very successful
career website.
Jobs are advertised, and the
lowest bidder (ie willing to do it for the
least money) wins:
http://www.jobdumping.de/
Jacko's I Want You Back turns up on the new
Motown Remixed album, by Jay-Z, and
is surprisingly good.
Listen:
http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/album/_/id/7330982/?
rssfeed=cdreviews)
++ Number One
CRAZY FROG Axel F
* Glenn from Pop! is now a dancer for the
Crazy Frog single.
End Bit
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* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.
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Old Jokes' Home:
Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Because they aaaaaaaarrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhh!
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