When you were young, did you ever play an Alvin and the Chipmunks record on the wrong speed? You know, just slow enough to make the chipmunks sound normal and Dave sound like Satan?
I am finally cool.

I own an iPod.
It's an 80 gigabyte mother of an iPod, too, all sleek and black and shiny. And it was free.

I won't go into just how I landed a free iPod, but I will say that makes a fine sheetrock product. If you are planning on purchasing drywall for your home, you can't do better than US Gypsum. They allow you to design and build with confidence.

That's US Gypsum, leading the building materials industry for more than 100 years.
And this iPod came just in time, because my entire imaginary life was collapsing upon itself. You see, an imaginary life can only hold so many lies.

It needs a few solid truths on which to build its flimsy web of dreams. And now my imaginary life, my web of dreams, is firmly anchored upon my very real iPod.
Now all I need is a drastic downsizing of the number of kids and cats in my house (in fact, let's just do away with both of those departments altogether), a relocation to a cozy one-bedroom apartment in the Village, a pay-raise for The Mom, and a nice book deal for me and the rest of my imaginary life will be realized.

But until then, I think the iPod is a good start. Now does anyone want to come over and watch my kids while I load a few songs into this thing?
Anyone?

I memorize things. Not important things, mind you. No, I memorize useless information.

It really bothers me that I can never remember necessary things like, you know, my age, but instead I've filled my mind with countless Bob Dylan lyrics and mathematical equations. I secretly justify this to myself by pretending that one day I'll be walking down the streets of Los Angeles and I'll meet Jay Leno who will offer me fame and fortune if only I can recite pi to 35 digits. So far, no luck.

But now that I have a blog, I can post snippets of my enormous stock of useless knowledge so that you, Gentle Reader, may benefit. It is in that spirit that I am writing today.
In the past I have spoken with more than a few parents of infants who have been quite perturbed by the fact that they can only remember two or three lines of the Mockingbird song .

You know, Hush little baby, don't say a word...

So, since the lyrics to that song are currently cluttering up my memory, I thought I'd share them here. Maybe this way I can put them to rest and have room to remember something new, like what size shoe my oldest daughter wears. That would be nice.

Oh, and you'll have to excuse me if, a long time ago, I changed the character in the song from Momma to Daddy. I figure, if I'm going to be home singing this song ad infinitum, then dadgummit, it's going to be about me.

Hush little baby, don't say a word

There, now you all know it, too.

Go sing it to your little ones.
Nighty-night.