"I think she has Tom's eyes" - Katie Holmes,
on baby Suri.
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POPBITCH _ _ _
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|_| |_| 07.09.
06 ISSUE 316
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Computer love
In sickness and in email
Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson got married in
the South of France last month.
They read their vows to each other off
their Blackberries.
Who said romance was dead?
-----------------------------------------------------
Jean Claude Van Damme's real name is Jean Claude
Van Varenberg.
(This fact emerged when questioned
by police after a drink-driving arrest this week.)
-----------------------------------------------------
Noel Edmonds was a big winner at this week's
TV Awards. What an amazing comeback.
It was
only two years ago, at Caron Keating's memorial
service, that a then underemployed Edmonds had
to resort to leaving his business cards on the
places set out for the other guests.
US newspapers claim to have a story that
Chelsea Clinton has been getting, er, serviced
by her two Secret Service minders. At the
same time.
The man and woman appointed
to protect the ex-First Daughter are said to
be in trouble for taking that to mean they
should get this up close and personal with their
charge. So far the threesome are keeping quiet
but with US service personnel getting blown up
on a daily basis, shouldn't we just be happy
that some of them are just getting blown?
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New London free-sheet, thelondonpaper, may be in a
spot of bother, after running a Pete Doherty/crack
story.
.. next to a photo and headline of P Diddy,
while omitting the name P Doherty.
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Which trendy novelist's last two books
are rumoured to have been ghost-written?
Married with children and a high-flying
Hollywood career, this A-lister was known at
his New York performing school as "Two Tricks",
and was famous for on one occasion, for
giving blow jobs to eight men consecutively
in a closet.
-----------------------------------------------------
One of the tenets of Scientology is that homosexuality
can be cured by the love of a good woman.
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Rev_Gelli writes:
"I was Curate of Kensington at St Mary Abbots
Church from 1991 to 1999. I was contacted by
a lady who claimed to live in the singer's
former house. She asked for an exorcism to
be performed in the house as she was constantly
disturbed by voices and strange 'presences'.
As the Kensington Diocese has an official
exorcist I put her in touch with the Bishop's
office. I do not know what happened afterwards
but other parishioners living near Freddie's
house also claimed to have strange, unpleasant
phenomena in their homes. A particular lady,
then married to an MP, asked me to say prayers
in her house.
Her children were troubled, she
said. I did that, gladly, and the 'presences'
were no longer felt."
-----------------------------------------------------
RIP Willi Ninja.
The dancer who inspired Madonna's
Vogue died of Aids this week. (Pay your respects at
Roy L. Gilmore's Funeral Home, Queens, tomorrow.
)
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The aging celebrities of West London have a
new secret weapon. A private clinic in Battersea
has shipped over from Poland a cryogenic chamber
where your body is subjected to minus 37 degree
temperature for three minutes - longer and it
would put the body into suspended animation.
The technology was developed and used by Soviet
athletes to rejuvenate the body's immune system.
Your circulation, respiration and vital organs
kick into survival overdrive and produce
amazing youthful results. Patients go into the
chamber naked except for covered hair, nose,
mouth, hands, feet and private parts.
-----------------------------------------------------
Favourite global bureaucrat of the week -
Kevin de Cock, Director of AIDS department at
the World Health Organisation.
-----------------------------------------------------
Every wanted to have regular sex with an animal?
Some nice people on the internet have kindly
written up foolproof ways and rules for chatting
up the beasts. This week - dolphin males:
1.
How to know if the dolphin wants sex?
"They will swim around, sporting an erection."
2.
What's a dolphin penis like?
"S-shaped, tapered at the end. It feels very
much like the rest of the dolphin, i.
e.
smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer.
And painfully rigid when erect.
From 14 inches
to 5 inches, depending on species."
3. What about masturbating the dolphin?
"It takes around 40 seconds. The force of
ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it
is best to keep your face out of the line of
fire. Do not try to give full throat.
A male
dolphin could snap your neck in an
accidental thrust."
4. You refer to your aquatic sex partner as
a "fin".
5. Always spend time with the dolphin after sex.
"Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and
show them that you love them.
"
6. Where can I find a dolphin to mate with?
"Aquariums are a bad choice, for many reasons.
"
7. The dolphin's anus is called the Afterslit.
"You should never let a male dolphin attempt
anal sex with you.
The thrusting and the
force of ejaculation (up to 14 feet) would cause
serious internal injuries."
Prefer necrophilia? Three American boys see a woman's
obituary photo, buy condoms and go and dig her up:
http://www.
twincities.com/mld/pioneerpress/news/local/15447475.htm
-----------------------------------------------------
Dick Cheney is pushing Congress to allow the
government to access Americans' conversations and
emails without needing an individualised warrant.
-----------------------------------------------------
Steve Irwin's death is, of course, a tragedy.
But spare a thought for the animals that
died this week too.
1.
Squirrel.
Finnish opera singer Esa Ruuttunen was cycling
to the Helsinki Opera House to sing in the
world premiere of a new opera when a squirrel
ran into his bicycle wheel. Esa fell, broke
his nose and missed the opera.
The squirrel
got crushed in the spokes and died.
2. Lucy.
One of the oldest African elephants, Lucy,
was put to sleep this week at Milwaukee
County Zoo when she could no longer stand up.
Lucy's companion Brittany, now the only
elephant at the zoo, has been spending time in
Lucy's stall to help with the grieving process.
3.
Pet Chicken
Oregon couple Mary and Stanley Gray spent the
Labor Day holiday getting drunk and getting
into arguments. Stanley decided to get one
over on his wife - he shot dead her pet chicken.
So Mary got out her gun and shot Stanley.
Join Steve Irwin, Lucy, the chicken and
the squirrel in heaven:
http://tinyurl.com/pu8nd
-----------------------------------------------------
Madonna rumoured to be playing the Witch at a
special performances of Into The Woods at Royal
Albert Hall next month. (Alongside Vinnie Jones.
..)
-----------------------------------------------------
It's been a long time since the glory days of
the Radio One roadshow for Mike Read and
sidekick Smiley Miley.
Still, with the country
in the grip of 80s nostalgia, the pair are
now hawking their lame Red Coat style double
act around summer village fetes and the like.
At a recent gig in Suffolk, Mike put a python
round the neck of Smiley to amaze the crowd.
The python got a bit narked at the noise and
tightened his grip around the gimp's neck
until he passed out.
Cue frantic 999 calls.
Smiley was almost suffocated by the time
they managed to get the snake to loosen its grip.
-----------------------------------------------------
Robbie Williams is sponsored by Adidas.
Members of his band are grumbling that still they
only get a 30% discount in Adidas shops.
-----------------------------------------------------
Good sport
Will the Starbury change the world?
Kids only want to buy trainers if they are
super-expensive and exclusive, and top sportsmen
can't be blamed for endorsing top-priced goods.
Well, this conventional wisdom is being turned
on its head by New York Knicks' Stephon Marbury.
Kobe, Lebron and Michael Jordan have all put their
name to $150 Nike shoes, but Marbury has made
it his mission to bring out a line of shoes
for poor kids. The cost of the new Starbury
shoe?
$15. And it's not just a piece of tat.
Marbury is wearing the shoe on court himself.
Sold only in US discount store Steve Barry's
(which prides itself on enabling a family
to be clothed for a year for $100) the shoe
has become a word-of-mouth phenomenon. Queues
run outside the stores, with a two-item
per person limit now enforced on the Starbury
range. Marbury's aim is to show people just how
little it really costs to make high quality
sneakers.
"Two hundred to buy a pair of sneakers?
That's groceries for the week," he says.
"History is going to say Stephon Marbury
changed the game.
"
-----------------------------------------------------
Ian Hislop was asked to be on the next series I'm A
Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Sadly he said no.
-----------------------------------------------------
Things that make you go hmmm
Knight Rider, Ashley Cole, Creature
The world's gone mad.
US TV stations are
refusing to re-show Gedeon and Jules Naudot's
brilliant 9/11 documentary for fear that the
firefighters' on screen swearing will incur
them huge fines for indecency from the FCC.
Now David Gest and Liza Minnelli's divorce battle
is commencing, remember them in happier,
and even weirder, times:
http://theunderweardrawer.homestead.
com/02_03_23.html
The new Kit - spoiler from the new Knight
Rider movie, which starts filming in January:
http://tinyurl.com/k68eb
Creature found on Sakhalin Island, Russia.
Guesses to what it is: email hello@popbitch.com
http://englishrussia.com/?
p=251
*******************************************
With an exquisite new ladies range, inc
bespoke vests and stunning jewellery,
Chateau Roux has confirmed it has the
superior touch. - Selekkt
http://www.chateauroux.
co.uk
*******************************************
End Bit
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*****************************************************
Thanks to: AM, SW, N, FG, kurt, party_b, BK, AM
maxbrooklynshaw, onthehushhush, AN, Sl, SM, dan
sarah_beeny, plastiktom
*****************************************************
Old Jokes Home:
When asked about his favourite childhood programmes,
Steve Irwin replied, "Thunderbirds was best but
there's always be a place in my heart for Stingray".
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