* Popbitch tips for parenthood
* Asbo sea lions terrorise The O.C.
* Charts: Sugababes are number one
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Dentalist!
Whitney can still crack a smile
Whitney Houston was brought to the South of
France a fortnight ago to perform at a big
party for a Russian billionaire, along with
Christina Aguilera and Enrique Iglesias.
Two hours before the concert was due to
start, Whitney's people called the party
organisers. There was a problem.
Whitney
wouldn't be able to sing...
because all
her teeth had just fallen out.
Cue frantic dash to find a discreet private
dentist to make up a serviceable set of
false teeth so the gig could go ahead.
-----------------------------------------------------
Strangest Renee-Kenny rumour coming out of the
States.
The marriage fraud? His "friendship"
with Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.
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It's not easy being a rock and roll
pensioner.
The Rolling Stones' tour party
in Toronto has just purchased an automated
defibrillator, presumably for use on Charlie,
Mick, Ronnie or Keith if they keel over before
the encore.
"2, 3..
. Clear! Zzt!
OK let's rock!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Robbie Williams is house-hunting in North Cornwall.
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Kansas dance troupe The Dynamic Steppers were
recently challenged to an impromptu dance-off
by a rival group, the White Tigers.
When the
challengers appeared to be losing, a woman hit
a 17-year-old Dynamic Steppers drummer in the
face with a drumstick. His response was to
punch her in the face, then climb into his car
and try to run over spectators.
His mother, a Dynamic Steppers coach, witnessed
the altercation.
Her response? She grabbed a
box cutter and sliced the other woman's arm,
leaving her needing stitches. Bring it!
-----------------------------------------------------
Tony Blair keeps a grey velvet pouch in his breast
pocket, which contains a small piece of red ribbon
and a piece of rolled up paper.
-----------------------------------------------------
Which upper-crust dieter enjoyed the atmosphere
at China Tang recently but, like many celebrities,
decided to eat off-menu? Not for her the
mouth-watering dim-sum, this lady resolutely
stuck to the Bolivian delicacies in her handbag,
leaving her weary bodyguard to exclaim,
"Is she at the toilets again?
. It's going to
be a long night."
-----------------------------------------------------
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing the President, "Yesterday,
three Brazilian soldiers were killed.
"OH NO!" cries
the President, "..
.but how many is a brazillion?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Comedian David Walliams is enjoying confusing
the world about his sexuality.
One girl who
had sex with David recently told us she thinks
he's gay. Why? He refused to do oral on her,
and "would only listen to the Pet Shop Boys".
-----------------------------------------------------
A US judge is going on trial for indecent exposure
for allegedly masturbating with a penis pump during
a murder case in Creek County, Oklahoma.
-----------------------------------------------------
"If I saw one of my animals walking like that,
I'd call the vet" - Robin Page, from TV's
One Man And His Dog, after watching models
on the catwalk.
-----------------------------------------------------
The policeman in charge of vice in Soho is
called.
.. Chief Inspector A Stud.
-----------------------------------------------------
Courtney Love's father gave her LSD from the
age of four. He would also take some himself,
then paint on her naked body and watch her
run around in an entertainingly confused state.
(A Popbitch psychologist speaks: "This is
probably not ideal for the developing child,
whose brain remains extremely plastic until
the age of six.
But probably more fun than being
force-fed a macrobiotic diet like Apple
Paltrow-Martin.)
-----------------------------------------------------
X Factor winner Steve Brookstein is singing in a
wine bar in Reigate, Surrey, called Tickled Ivory.
---------------------------------------------------
Asbo sea lions
Aquatic mammals terrorise The O.
C.
Watch The O.C.
and Newport Beach looks like
paradise. However the lives of the rich residents
are being ruined - by sea lions! A huge pack of
rowdy sea lions has invaded the harbour and their
loud barking at night is causing sleepless
nights for everyone around for miles.
And a
couple of weeks ago 18 of the beasts climbed on
to a multi-million pounds yacht and sank it.
So far the residents have tried to disperse
them with rubber bullets, firecrackers and
noise-blaring underwater speakers, to no avail.
They even deployed animal handlers to kidnap
the sea lions and release them hundreds of miles
up the coat.
They were all back within a week.
The latest plan is to paint an electric boat to
look like a killer whale, complete with
realistic whale noises.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Marvin K" (mdma-meets-ketamine) is known as "EK1"
in Australia.
(Sounds like something Kate Moss
should be promoting.)
-----------------------------------------------------
After the shock of the tacky wedding photos
of Jordan and Peter Andre wears off, the
next thing people are asking is, how much
work has Peter had done on his face?
But even Peter has some way to go to beat LA
hairdresser Steve Erhardt, who has spent
over $250,000 on 30 different cosmetic
procedures to turn himself into a Ken doll.
His first operation was a nose job in
1987 from Michael Jackson's surgeon, who
also gave him a Kirk Douglas style cleft
chin. Since then he's had pec implants,
butt implants and was the first person
to get bicep implants.
Steve claims he looked like a cross between
Patrick Swayze and David Hasselhoff before
the surgery.
"It's not really to look like
anything in particular", he says, "It's
keeping your face nice, you know?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Tom Chaplin from Keane, on the train going to his
parents' house last weekend, drinking Ribena, doing
the Daily Telegraph Book of Sudoku. Rock'n roll.
-----------------------------------------------------
1. The Gorillaz single was supposed to
have been called "It's There", but after about
100 takes, Shaun Ryder still hadn't got
it right, so the band decided to change
it to Dare.
2.
A statue of Kylie is being planned
for London's gay centre, Old Compton St.
She'll be lying over an arch with her hand
trailing down, apparently.
4.
Would the tabloids have attacked Kate Moss
so viciously if she hadn't won "substantial
damages" from Sunday Mirror two months ago
for claiming she took cocaine? She was,
foolishly, also taking legal action against
Five for the same thing.
5.
Put a monkey on Zoe Ball to win Strictly
Come Dancing. She's 6-1.
6.
Try VH1. The Sting videos have been
cast aside in favour of reality shows, A-Z
music programming and, er, Ted Nugent.
-----------------------------------------------------
Chris Rock's new show, Everybody Hates Chris, is
the big hit of the new US TV season so far.
-----------------------------------------------------
Things that make you go hmmm
Gay boyband, black cocks, rabbits
Serenity, Joss Whedon's movie of his series
Firefly, is released next week. Universal
have just paid a seven-figure sum to
Whedon to write and direct "Goners",
a fantasy thriller, "of a young woman's
journey that involves a great deal of
horror and some heroics," he says. So
nothing like his previous show Buffy, then.
But first off he's writing and directing
Wonder Woman.
End Bit
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Old Jokes Home:
A man was hit by a sofa, a pillow and a cushion
A hospital spokesman described his condition
as "comfortable".
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