Hang up your mic, Madonna
Gwen has Madge running scared
Madonna has recorded a new single, Hung Up,
She played it to a friend recently who said,
"Its quite Gwen Stefani isn't it?"
Madonna's reply? "That cunt's been stealing
from me for the last ten years so I thought
it was about time I paid her back".
Sadly her reply is better than the record.
Hung Up is less Gwen Stefani, more
Dannii Minogue.
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A woman at Dior who dressed Pete Doherty for a
shoot says Pete claims he and Kate Moss got
married in New York.
-----------------------------------------------------
Jordan and Peter Andre's scarily air-
brushed wedding adorns 27 pages of OK
magazine. What the magazine can't seem to
find space to report is that bridesmaid
Kerry Katona, one week out of rehab, spent
the night partying with fellow addict
Paul Gascoigne. The result was Kerry
having a stand-up row with her boyfriend
and being escorted out of the party by
Gazza's ever-faithful sidekick Jimmy
Five-bellies.
Bless.
-----------------------------------------------------
Nice to see McFly naming their new album, Wonderland,
after an infamous British paedophile ring.
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Drug fashion update
Achieve sexual healing with ?
Marvin K?
Back in 2004 the drug connoisseur's cocktail
of choice was CK1 - two parts cocaine, mixed
with one part ketamine.
That?
s so over now: discerning drug hoovers
are now choosing Marvin K. To make one
yourself: mix two parts MDMA powder to one
part ketamine. Snort through rolled banknote
or pass around your mates on the end of a
key.
Repeat, while listening to repetitive,
thudding music.
-----------------------------------------------------
Cockwatch: Rio Ferdinand's penis is, apparently,
"long and smooth with a very pink end".
-----------------------------------------------------
This American film actress likes to spend
much of her time in UK - but doesn't know
her husband is shagging half of London
behind her back.
A conquest claims that
as he climaxed he once shouted, "I love
you, my dick love you, I wish I could
rip my dick off and give it to you."
-----------------------------------------------------
The first good reason to get pregnant? US hospitals
have started using hillbilly heroin (Oxycontin) in
caesareans (to help pop out the afterbirth).
-----------------------------------------------------
Is George Bush's negligence at all to blame
for the Hurricane Katrina debacle? Not if
you ask one of Bush's richest religious
conservative backers, the Rev Pat Robertson.
According to Robertson, it's all the fault
of.
.. lesbians.
"This is the second time in a row that God has
invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian
Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards," said
Pat. "Is it any surprise that the Almighty
chose to strike at Miss Degeneres' hometown?
.
.. God already allows one awards show to
promote the homosexual agenda.
But clearly
He will not tolerate such sinful behavior to
spread beyond the Tonys."
The loon also claims that it's no coincidence
that the Iraq insurgency started in September
2003. It's because Ellen's TV talk show
started that month.
Robertson tried to get elected President
in 1988. He said he'd only stand against
George Bush Snr if three million people
signed up to back his bid. Rather
disturbingly, they did.
-----------------------------------------------------
James from Busted has formed a new band, Son of Dork.
-----------------------------------------------------
Singer-songwriter K T Tunstall is a
contender for this year's Geri Halliwell
Award for the fastest turn-over of staff.
In the last six months KT has gone through
eight hairdressers, seven make-up artists
and three PR firms.
Imagine what a diva she could turn into if
she ever becomes famous?
-----------------------------------------------------
A restaurant in China that advertised illegal
tiger meat dishes was found instead to be
selling donkey flesh marinated in tiger urine.
-----------------------------------------------------
Leeds amateur Rugby League team, The Queens,
recently went on a team-bonding break to Ibiza
They were queuing for Manumission when one of
the forwards was mistaken for DJ Carl Cox.
Ten minutes later they were all in the
VIP area drinking free champagne.
By 3am the group was still in the VIP lounge.
Staff came over to ask Carl to DJ, saying "Look
lads, you have done in a few grand of free
booze.
.. come on Carl, give us half an hour".
Introduced as special guest Carl Cox, the
rugby player went up to the decks, turned
every dial he can see up to the maximum...
and started shouting "We are Queens, We are
Queens." At this point, the Manumission
team started to think that perhaps this
wasn't Carl Cox after all..
.
-----------------------------------------------------
A London taxi driver revealed he gave Saskia and
Maxwell BB6 a lift the other day. They asked for a
receipt for a hundred pounds on a forty quid fare.
-----------------------------------------------------
What's New Pussycat?
Tori wishes she was hot like the Dolls
This week's number one, Don't Cha, was written
and originally performed by US rap artist
Tori Alamaze. The track came out on promo on
Universal earlier this year, but Tori was
quietly shelved when the label decided she
wasn't cute enough.
Enter LA dance troupe
Pussycat Dolls, who have been trying to make it
in the music industry for years despite the
fact that only one can sing.
So, while the Dolls tour the world, next
week Tori plays Joey Harrison's surfclub,
Ortley Beach, New Jersey. But, at least
she's probably making a fortune in royalties.
-----------------------------------------------------
Our favourite LA interior designer Bobby Trendy held
a Hurricane Relief party last week, featuring "a
special appearance by victims of the tragedy". Classy
-----------------------------------------------------
The winner of a recent Popbitch vote for
the ?Hardest Otter Ever?
is Edal, the otter
who bit off two of TV naturalist Terry
Nutkins? fingers.
One week before the accident took place,
Edal had taken a severe dislike to a
visiting lady zoo-keeper.
Before she left, the
woman gave Nutkins her sweater. The first
time he wore it Edal attacked him. "I just
remember Edal going beserk," recalls
Nutkins.
"All I could think to do was get
her to the door, throw her outside and
slam the door shut quickly.
"Unfortunately, by the time I reached the
door she had chewed right through my finger,
and as I launched her she twisted in the air
and managed to nip most of another finger
off the other hand."
-----------------------------------------------------
The good news: only two animals at New Orleans Zoo
died in the hurricane.
The bad news: they were otters.
-----------------------------------------------------
Things that make you go hmmm
Bobo the chimp, Jamie Cullum, bunnies
Robbie Williams' says his new single
Trippin' is inspired by The Clash.
We say its Bob Marley crossed with
Dr Phil.
What do you think? Email
hello@popbitch.com.
Listen here.
Go to "music" and click on "inspired":
http://www.whatsyourfuture.
com/
That weirdo from Sydney who fucked 18
rabbits to death claims he was once voted
bachelor of the year by Marie Claire
(which says it runs no such competition)
and sponsors eight children in Guatemala.
(Thanks to the hundreds of Australian
readers who emailed to say he wasn't an
Aussie, but originally from New Zealand).
"We'll take the Ashes, You pull the pints",
t-shirts on sale now!
http://www.teefly.com
Jamie Cullum has a new single out next week,
and a new album, Catching Tales, the week after.
His online game is strangely addictive and
perfect for bored office moments - stop the
animals jumping on his piano...
http://www.hyperlaunch.com/jamiecullum/catchtails/
More on Bobo the smoking chimp.
Turns out
he was most likely a she, and the prolapse
was actually her sexually excited vulva:
http://www.arkive.org/species/GES/mammals/Pan_troglodytes/GES004528.
html?size=medium
Poor Roy from Siegfriend and Roy. Not only
did his favourite elephant die last week,
but so did his favourite doctor.
According
to Roy in June, Dr Scheller was his last hope.
End Bit
Help Popbitch!
* Email stories, gossip: hello@popbitch.
com
* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.
* No, you didn't miss issue 270. But we
inadvertently did two issue 262s.
So there.
**************************************************
Thanks to: N, AM, majorbloodnok, dollymixture,
hector, onthehushhush, kipper4u, stinky, DP
bolan_boogie, media_whore, NK, A, VP, britnee,
gibboverlord, pauline, stinky, J, sleazymf,
genepool69, KE, AMM, tinyredfrog, patsyrecline
*****************************************************
Old Jokes Home
Q: Who was the last to fuck the Aussies and
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A: Paula Yates.
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