Props to everybody who suggested stuff I forgot.
Disclaimer: Because, well, I should. I've attended three colleges, and at each college I've worked in on-campus jobs. To wit: Computer labs, bookstores, and libraries, which would be three of the four most essential places on campus.
My current stint is at a public college campus where I teach people the life skills they should already know and help fellow students when this bites them in the ass. This is in spite of the fact that I only shelve books, not handwalk people through life. (I have no idea what it is about someone with a cart full of books that screams "Ask me how to enroll my child in school.
") You're not gonna agree with all of it, maybe, especially the stuff about presenting yourself - but college is learning to live with disagreement.
Note: Full reprint rights granted with credit. If you want to print this out, submit it to your school paper, flyer your campus - go right ahead and reprint freely, just try to make sure you credit me somehow.
I require no compensation or granting permission with the exception of these few lines. If you see it somewhere other than here, holla, I'd get a kick out of it.
With the fall semester comes students who are new to college.
Some of them have life skills. The 2 per 100 who do not ruin it for the rest of them.
The Beginning
Take orientation.
It seems like a lot of boring bullshit, but the parts that aren't bullshit will help you find out where you need to go for vital campus services, and the parts that are bullshit will help you withstand the few parts of the next four years that are also bullshit. In fact, learn to withstand bullshit and do busywork. It will prepare you for The Real World.
As annoying as The Real World is, because everyone says it like it's this big scary place and aren't you wimpy for not being in it, academic life is fairly insulated from a lot of Real World hassles. Some people never want to leave and become institutions in their own right. We call those people "academics.
" If you love college so much you never want to leave, consider a career in academe. This could mean professors - and it could also open you up to being a research assistant, librarian, admissions counselor, a variety of fields you never would have thought of. The Real World is overrated.
Registration: If you haven't declared a major, take your required general studies classes first, get them out of the way, and something will develop to steer you in one direction or the other.
Get rid of your parents. Most of them have a tough time dealing with you being on your own, but they'll just have to trust you.
If your parents are having a really hard time separating, which is called empty nest syndrome, call them every weekend at first, then cut back to every other weekend. In your calls, tell them what you're doing and who your friends are and leave out all the pot smoking and keg stands, then ask them to send money "for this thing I want to organize." Asking your parents for money: 1) gets you money; 2) allows your parents to still feel as though they're providing for you and helping you; and 3) conditions them to associate you with having to part with money, which by winter break should kill the empty nest syndrome dead.
Textbooks. Oh, my God, textbooks are expensive. A word of explanation: publishers print a limited run of Smithingwell's Ornithological Gynecology, which has been assigned for your BIO 101 class.
It costs $150, because publisher costs go down the more books are produced in a given run, but only 30 people in the entire freaking world are using your textbook, so it's expensive to use. Do not complain about the price to the bookstore employee. Bookstores have a healthy markup, it is true - 20% is the usual.
But that has to make up for labor, operations, and shrinkage costs. What is shrinkage? Shrinkage is when professional textbook shoplifting rings come in during the busiest times and slip only the most expensive books into bags specifically made to covertly take that stuff.
Shrinkage costs are higher in college bookstores than in most other businesses, because they can sell these stolen goods at near full price, and an efficient ring can net thousands per person per day. This is not a suggestion for an ideal off-campus job; get caught (and bookstores are getting better at preventing it), and it's a felony. Stores have undercover security, expensive cameras, and at my school, a fully bonded police officer to facilitate arrests.
All this means a higher markup just to pay for the few dishonest - and usually professional - people.
The other thing that drives up cost is the lack of used books. If you're fortunate enough to find a stack of used books, I always tell people to choose one that looks like it was owned by somebody who flunked the class, because chances are it's never been opened and there are no notes scrawled everywhere.
If you go to the bookstore as soon as they have your books out, you could find a used book that's indistinguishable from the new ones. For some intro classes, however, there aren't any used books, and it seems like those are the most expensive ones, too! A publisher makes more money if he can print a new edition every year or every couple of years.
The professor, who chances are doesn't care about editions, issues an order to the bookstore. The bookstore calls the publisher, who says "the professor can't assign that book, because there is a new edition coming out, and by the way, it's ten dollars more." The professor then has a choice: She can hope that the bookstore will be able to get enough used books for her class in the previous edition, or she can just assign the new edition, which will only be available at the new price.
Particularly for history and english courses, if you can get a previous edition of one of your expensive books (try half.com, but check ISBNs before you buy, which the bookstore can tell you how to find), ask the professor if edition is important.
I wish colleges would accurately tell students what textbooks cost, because they don't.
I pay, currently, around $1500 in tuition and fees. (My college is public charter, so most of the cost is absorbed by the state.) My textbooks for four classes cost me $600.
Some professors actually do try to assign popular books, the sort you can get down at Barnes Noble or even at a used bookstore for cheap, but some professors don't really think about cost. A good budget for textbooks:
Intro courses (non-science), languages - $150 per class
Sciences (and intro), engineering, accounting, and business - $200-$250
Upper division pre-med or pre-law - $300
Non-intro history and English - $100
The book costs in the second category stay pretty much the same throughout the upper divisions, but for everyone else, the cost should go down. You probably won't hit the limit of this budget for a lot of your classes, but you should always mentally prepare yourself for 1) paying a hell of a lot of money and 2) not finding anything at a used price.
Classes
You're a freshman. You take what classes you can get. While some majors (*cough*sciences*cough*) are so carefully structured that, yes, you HAVE to get into a certain class in your first year, history is not one of these majors.
If you are a senior and NEED to take this class to graduate, you should have registered for it at your appointed time, and then you wouldn't be demanding that the professor make room for you because you're special and have poor planning skills. If the class is half juniors and sophomores, and you as a senior didn't get in before them, that means you were lazy about registration and therefore it is your own fault.
The professor is not your peer.
Think of the professor as your boss. The T.A.
is also not your peer.
Why, yes, there is a lot of reading! Fancy that!
Quit bitching about how unfair it is that the professor actually requires some serious work, even for an intro class. Never ask "is this going to be on the test?" When you need to know that information, the professor will either volunteer it, or there will be a study guide.
Oh, and you'll be expected to think critically, too, not just parrot what the reading said (if you're lucky. Parroting classes are death). Apologies for it cutting into your hefty body glitter application schedule.
If you're going to come in late, have the courtesy to look sheepish. Boldly striding in a half hour into an hour-long class with hair and nails freshly done does not promote a professional mystique. Also, nobody is checking you out as you sashay all the way across the room to find the perfect seat for your dainty nonexistent ass.
Get over yourself.
TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE. There's no better way to make an impression on the professor than to have a midi version of R.
Kelly go off in the middle of lecture. The professor will remember you. Unfortunately, the professor will not remember you fondly.
I have seen, firsthand, repeat cell phone offenders get kicked out of lecture, be berated in public by professors, graded down entire letter grades, and even disenrolled (which is where you get an F and you get to pay for the class). Meanwhile, the students who don't like having cell phones interrupt lecture (which would be 90% of them) applaud and encourage harsh penalties for those who haven't figured out the "lights only" function. No, "vibrate" is not acceptable.
Everyone can hear that thing rattling in your bag.
While we're on professional mystique, the successful student can cultivate one of two identities: the scruffy is-he-homeless genius, or the hyperambitious college-as-corporation besuited type. Most students who make it out of here with decent prospects are some variation of the two.
Neither of these types wears body glitter and carries a Hello Kitty fur-edged purse. Legally Blonde was a movie (and even Elle Woods didn't dress for class like she was posing for Playboy, hence the embarrassment of the bunny scene); if you dress as if you're going to Polyester's when you're really going to take notes on Locke, people will snicker at you. Inside, but they'll snicker.
Unless you're a guy and you carry a Hello Kitty fur-edged purse, in which case you're probably worshiped by thousands so don't worry about it. (Oh, and this does not apply to art majors. Nothing applies to art majors, not even the laws of physics.
)
Unless you have a bladder condition, you don't get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of lecture. You're an adult. You can hold it for an hour.
Most classes longer than two hours will allow for some kind of break in the middle, anyway.
Take notes. Sure, you roll your eyes at the student who's got all the assignments down in the day planner, the notebook with three pages per class, doing all that work while you just sit back and write down five lines vaguely resembling what the professor has said.
Guess who's getting a good grade? That's right, the big nerd.
Share your notes, if you take good ones.
If you don't take good lecture notes, someone in class will. Make friends with that person. It's not a substitute for taking your own, but missing a class or two is unavoidable, and if you already know where to get the notes it will hurt less when you have to remember all that stuff.
Some lecturing styles are hard to follow, note-wise, but someone in class should be able to click with it where notes are concerned.
Homework
Never get behind, even if it means a ding in your social life. You don't have to be a total grind, but a good aim is about 75% of the reading, and the more you can do the better.
Oh, and DO NOT buy highlighters. Highlighting is a waste of time. Instead, visit your college's writing lab or spend a little time with a tutor if you do not know how to paraphrase or write a precis.
Take reading notes - read a few paragraphs, and sum up what you have read. By doing this, you have expressed what you've learned in your own words. If you have problems with essay questions and short answer, this should fix it.
To get started on tough essay questions: If you're of legal age, get a little tipsy and start writing your first draft. The great and legendary Dan Savage differentiates use and abuse of alcohol, and the right amount of beer or wine (not too much!) takes away the essay-writing tension that can produce its own writer's block.
Be warned: You may find yourself drunkenly slurring the life of Voltaire in some out-of-town biker bar. If you're going to do this, do it at home. In those alcohol-seminar classes they make everyone take freshman year, they call this an "acquired skill.
" Once sober, completely rewrite the essay to prevent it from being something you can only do when drunk. The point of this exercise is to get a jumping-off point, a prompt that will trigger your brain to remember whatever the hell it was trying to say while under the influence.
If you're not of legal age, fast for five hours.
Then eat a couple of Krispy Kreme donuts and about a quarter cup of chocolate-covered espresso beans. By the time you come down, all of your essays for the entire year will be written, and you'll have installed a lovely parquet floor in your dorm room. Not all of the essays will be good, which is again why you rewrite.
Academic Help
It's some kind of rule that the people who need to attend library orientation are the ones who never do. Here's a quick primer:
1. The library staff will not do your research for you.
2. The library staff have not memorized the catalog. Look it up yourself.
3. The library staff who have memorized the catalog are stored in a cool, dry place. They are kept away from the public because they are easily startled and do not breed well in captivity.
Do not disturb them. Look it up yourself.
4.
The library staff would rather eat ground glass than do your work for you. We are not your parents.
5.
Using an academic library is a skill. It takes time. Do not come in a half hour before your paper is due and freak out when you find out you actually have to learn how microforms work.
We don't care. It's not our grade, and you are not special.
6.
Know the alphabet. JESUS I shouldn't have to say this. And write things down that you may forget - call numbers, your own name - so that the librarian doesn't have to bludgeon you with a tape dispenser every time you giggle and say "ohhhhh, I forgooooot, just tell me where it generally is.
"
7. And, though the previous six points might drive you away in horror, you can ask for help. Just be prepared.
If you had a question for your professor, you wouldn't stumble into your prof's office half-drunk on tequila and slur out something about the American Revolution and take a snotty tone when she tells you to think for yourself. When encountering the library professional, just like your professor, know what you want to ask and what result you'd like to get. If you're asking for help on an assignment, bring in your assignment sheet and syllabus; the more specific you can get with your questions, the better.
8. Oh, and because I will not stop saying it until it stops happening at every. Single.
College: If you masturbate or have sex in the library stacks, and you are caught, you will be humiliated and arrested in public. Exhibitionism is less fun when it involves having to register as a sex offender for the rest of your college years. Rent a room, go back to the dorms, or keep your hormones in check where you might cause offense.
If you are unhappy with a grade you recieve on a paper or essay question, ask the professor what you might do to improve. Make an appointment during office hours or, if those are inconvenient, ask the professor if you can meet some other time. Learn where the campus writing center is located.
You are not stupid if your writing is less than perfect; it's actually a mark of intelligence that you're willing to accept outside help. It sure beats getting graded down for not using no good English nowhere.
Continuing ed students: These can be helpful, but some of those older students have a serious attitude problem.
If you are a continuing ed student, remember that more life experience does not make you smarter, but it can make you into a smug asshole. Simply having existed longer than the girl sitting next to you (or, heck, the professor) does not make you superior if you use it as an excuse to dismiss contrary viewpoints. (No lie: I once had a continuing ed student tell me I didn't know anything about the UN because she was older than me and had the benefit of "life experience.
" At the time, I was working at the UN and was getting a degree in international studies; her "life experience" amounted to occasionally watching the evening news.) The following should never be used by continuing ed students as an excuse to get out of work: child care, "life experience," traffic, your job, or anything not directly related to the project. If anything, your many years upon this earth should make you more capable at juggling your responsibilities.
By skipping out on group projects, you are saying that you do not take school seriously, and anyone who does not take school seriously regardless of age or life situation should leave until they are ready to do so. (And yes, I am a continuing student, with many responsibilities, but I have yet to miss a class.)
If you ask help of a fellow student, make sure you're not imposing.
If you see someone who looks like she knows what she's doing, but she's deep into some heavy writing and has her headphones on, do not interrupt her. Many students will be happy to help, but try not to take advantage - tutors are paid for a reason.
Campus Life
There will be groups on campus that you do not agree with.
Unlike high school, students of various religious and political bents will form groups, socialize, and on occasion express themselves in public. DEAL.
We're all thrilled that you have found someone you would like to spend the rest of your life with - or, two weeks, anyway.
But that's disgusting. Be an adult and take your damn tongue out of his mouth in public. When OB-GYNs start practicing their trade on city sidewalks in full view, then you may resume showing the entire world that you're getting laid.
Do not hog the mirror in the bathroom, particularly if it's just over the sink.
This is a big, scary world, and if you do not lock up your bike or don't keep an eye on your things, they will get taken.
Dorm Life
Do not play "fuck, marry, or kill" with your roommates.
And I mean with your roommates.
Numbers to have on your cell-phone: Campus safety, library front desk, departmental office for your major, financial aid, and at least five restaurants (different cuisines) that deliver.
You know how you filled out that form three months ago detailing your likes and dislikes in a roommate?
You checked off "likes quiet music," "would rather study," "isn't very social," and "is an ardent non-smoker." Two months and 29 days ago, your college recieved that form, laughed, and drew glasses and a mustache on your picture before burning it with all the others. And now your roommate is Ozzy Osbourne.
(Actually, I hear Ozzy's a pretty cool neighbor. Quiet. Respectful.
But you get the point.) No matter what they say, colleges don't give two shits about the ability of your roommate and yourself to get along.
This is good and bad.
Good? Yep. If you're a real introvert and your roommate has half the university's hot guys on speed-dial the first day, you can learn how to make your differences complement each other, not clash.
If you're an introvert who gets paired with another introvert, in two months you'll both be down at the RA's screaming "She never fucking talks!" The gregarious roommate can introduce you to people. It's not bad to let some of your roommate's qualities rub off on you.
Who knows, you might like it. So when you, the former captain of your cheerleading squad, homecoming queen, and Abercrombie Fitch beminiskirted fashion goddess, are greeted by the sight of your frumpy new roomie traipsing in with two boxes of books and riding boots, learn to get a poker face and keep your mouth shut if you can't say anything nice. People who only want to mix with their own kind should just skip the roomie thing and pay up for a single.
It can be bad if the roommate who has half the guys at the university on speed-dial takes them to your room, frequently, and does...
things in the middle of the night. Most issues, like cleanliness, musical taste (or lack thereof), intellectual interests, and social groups are superficial. However, there are some things you must stand firm on, and get the RA involved immediately - and safety is one of those issues.
If you're asthmatic and your roommate smokes like a chimney and refuses to take it outside, that's a health issue. If your roommate gives her friends keys to your room and lets people wander in and out like they own the place, that's a safety issue. If your roommate takes hard drugs, runs a meth lab, has a firearm, or is involved in any hardcore crime (and I do not mean marijuana, that falls under smoking despite its legal status; welcome to college), it is not your job to put up with that crap.
You are a roommate, not a doctor, a psychologist, or an officer of the law.
When approaching the RA with a problem that falls out of the threat to health and safety category, emphasize that you're willing to work on communicating better with your roommate and you need a third party to help you do that. Storming into your RA's room screeching that you hate country music makes you look like the unreasonable party and will get you absolutely nowhere.
Chances are, you'll have a problem with your roommate, and she with you, at some point; use the options available to you to get the problem resolved.
Let's say you love your roommate. Wonderful!
Share housekeeping responsibilities. One of you does the laundry one week, the other does it the next week. If you have a heinous homework load one week, ask if she can pick up some housekeeping slack - but only if you're willing to to the same.
Work out a privacy system as well. At a Spencer's or other type store, you might be able to get some kind of hotel "do not disturb" sign. It should go without saying, but don't masturbate or have sex while your roommate is in the room.
Even if the best case scenario happens and your hot roommate joins in, you should never sleep with your roomie. Keep gift certificates for a coffee bar or some other hangout around - and when the boyfriend comes over, hand your roommate a little financial incentive to (nicely) get lost for a few hours.
Safe sex: always.
Condoms: free at most health centers or through your campus's GLBT student association. The last thing you need during finals is the free clinic on speed-dial when your (now ex-) boyfriend turns out to be very well known on campus.
And while we're talking of matters of love - nothing kills your GPA faster than a messy dramatic breakup.
Don't give your former lover the satisfaction of ruining your chances at a scholarship. Don't skip classes. Find a rebound hook-up - or, hey, knitting - to occupy your time until vacation, when you can break down and write crappy angsty poetry without wasting your tuition money in the process.
Food - the buffet is tempting. Eat healthy food, seriously. A pizza or burrito every now and then isn't going to kill you, but many a freshman has gotten home at the end of the year, peered at the scale, and discovered what happens when the parents aren't there to make sure their kid eats vegetables.
Cafeteria food is also better than you think. Oh, and you're on your own now; eat dessert first. It'll feel rebellious.
The Worst
One of the hardest parts about being on your own is the pressure to be independent. To be all grown-up and not need anyone's help. Now, you may think, "I'm 25, I've got this all under control-" No.
It never stops. I'm 30 and I don't even know if I have this grown-up thing down. I think everyone has those moments where being responsible for yourself keeps you awake at night.
Living without a net? Is fucking scary. So give yourself a break.
Everyone has those moments, and usually the times when you're freaking out about being an adult are the times you're doing it right.
But there will be moments that might crack you a little. Sometimes college is when you discover that you're chemically imbalanced; being on your own can bring a lot of buried issues to the surface.
Even healthy, well-adjusted people don't find this an effortless process. So even if you're having the easiest time in the world on campus, everyone loves you, you're getting straight As - Have the number for the counseling center with you. College campuses tend to have wonderful counselors and psychiatrists.
Their job is to listen, not to judge.
Here are some alternatives to counseling:
Taking drugs. Chain smoking.
Binge drinking. Unsafe sex. Binge drinking every single night.
Not going to class. Going to class while stoned. Spending entire days curled into the fetal position.
Self-injury. Getting an emo haircut. Injuring others.
None of these are good alternatives, and all are to some degree potentially dangerous to your long-term mental or physical health. If these things seem tempting, go to the counseling center. If you have started doing these things, go to the counseling center.
The one thing you should never ever EVER do, besides buying tickets for Franz Ferdinand, is give up for good. If you can't hack it for a semester, there is no shame - NONE - in taking a withdrawal before your grades suffer, and in fact that is an incredibly mature decision to make. If you're going to flunk out, no way no how, it is never too late in the semester to form a plan of action with your professors, your counselor, and the registrar.
And it has nothing to do with you being stupid. Some of the smartest people I know have taken withdrawals or been on academic probation. One of the horrible myths about college is that you can never recover from your mistakes, that you have to take certain steps at certain times or your life is ruined, and I blame the atmosphere of overachievement that gets many people into colleges in the first place.
One of the great things about college is that there is ALWAYS an option for you. If you've flunked every single semester, there's community college to work your way back into it when you're ready. There are colleges like mine, where all you need is tuition money and the desire to learn and you're in.
It is never ever ever too late to communicate with people if you're having a problem.
Be safe on campus. Both men and women - take a self-defense class.
Note the locations of emergency phones, particularly if you're going to be on campus late. If there's anything creepy and you feel unsafe, you have the right to ask for an escort from campus security. The college wants you to, in fact, because even if they don't give a rat's ass about you personally, the newspapers do, and the last thing the college wants is for some horrible crime to happen on their turf.
Trust your instincts.
On a date or at a club, don't drink anything that's been out of your sight. Educate yourself about roofies - your student health or counseling center might have more information about it.
And men can be a victim of date rape and roofies too - men often underreport assaults because they believe it can't happen to them, or that people will see them as wimps, or that a "real man" takes care of his problems himself.
Do not be afraid to be rude if you feel your safety is threatened. Some creepy dude on the bus won't quit hitting on you?
Tell him to stop and ignore him. If he won't stop, go to the nearest authority figure. Who the fuck cares if some creepy guy thinks you're a bitch?
It's better than subjecting yourself to some drooling morons who won't quit staring at your tits long enough to cover his track marks. One of the hardest things about being on your own is dropping the overwhelming sense of politeness drummed into us since birth. C'mon, even Miss Manners would have started jabbing that guy with her knitting needles by now.
Read Gavin de Becker's Gift of Fear.
You'll go through a period where you'll be a little bit paranoid, constantly checking exits and the like. It'll even out, that feeling doesn't last forever.
Graduation
I'm starting to find out that having fifty different tassles at graduation probably isn't worth it. This is called Senioritis, and it's a lot like the vague fog during the senior year of high school except I have access to better drugs. After you get into grad school, relax, unless you're going to med school or something.
Ask for your letters of recommendation very early, and keep a planner for grad school. Apply to five schools, even if you've decided on one already.
College graduation is the longest experience of your entire life.
I think my graduation from 2000 is still going on somewhere. Bring a book. And your college will never have a cool speaker, so ignore everything that goes on in commencement.
(I had our governor. Snooooze. This year I may get someone as exciting as.
.. I don't know, the undersecretary for accountancy.
) The year before you had a better speaker, and so will the year after. If you have a cool speaker, like Jon Stewart or Kermit the Frog, please let me know so I can transfer. Thank you.
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