This is a new column I am starting devoted specifically to popular songs and how they are or how they may be used as background music for strippers. It will be appearing every week and it's called "Barely Audible" - clever, huh? The following are musical staples: You hear "Eye of the Tiger" when you go to a Junior B hockey game, you've got "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" for every dance I went to in elementary school, you've got James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" at that shitty wedding you went to in spring, you've got Gershwin's "I Got Rhythm" for Mr.

Holland and his music class, and you've got Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" playing at every strip club in North America. I have to tell you right now, though, that this song is perfect. The stripping industry didn't fuck up and pick "Toxic" when they held their annual standards meeting.

(The stripping industry is very much like the auto industry, so I hear). Just listen to how it starts. It sets up perfect anticipation with ba-ba-bam-bam-ba's and then a screeching wild sound.

It's heavy on the guitar and kinda light on the drums considering the drummer's an amputee, so it has phallic imagery on its side too. Of course, after one minute and 27 seconds all previous genius is moot when you consider the super-genius of the chorus. While I doubt many strippers would invite patrons to take such instructions literally, one has to imagine a scenario when someone does.

Here I'll let your imagination wander considering good taste and editorial authority permits me from doing otherwise. Lyrics not subtle enough? They repeat the phrase "pour some sugar on me" 13 times.

(On a Monday afternoon I sat down, put on the stereo and counted). Here's the hitch: This song is too perfect. It represents everything wrong with what I want this column to be about.

"Pour Some Sugar on Me" just promotes a sexual uniformity. This song is to sex as a Big Mac is to food. If you've seen one stripper dance to it you've seen them all: same fake boobs, same stupid thong, same crippling depression, same girl who needs time off for a court date.

For this reason, I could literally think of 1,000 more songs better suited to accompany the sight of someone taking off their clothes. This is why I am writing this column. In the interest of full disclosure, I think strip clubs are weird.

I don't go to them (although I have, once), I think strippers are kinda gross and I have a hunch that some of them are prostitutes. You could call me gloriously underqualified to be writing a weekly column on music for strippers, and I'm fine with that, but you are wrong. I think I am a fine judge for such a column, if not meant for it by some divine inspiration.

I like music, I like dancing, and I like naked people. If that alone doesn't qualify me to do this, well, I give you the permission to come to where I live and punch me in the throat.