I ll take a quiet life

Wed, May. 24th, 2006, 03:22 am
what am i to do?

things are progressing, ever so slowly. looking for a new second job, and trying to decide if i'm going to do anything with the art. my girlfriend for the last five months is probably going to be moving in a couple weeks, and we're looking for an apartment.

money would make this much easier. i feel kind of shitty, i've only got 12 months to catch up a bit more.
keep having dreams where i'm going back to high school and redoing all my classes and getting a "better" diploma, i've always got this nagging sense of illegitimacy in everything i do.

lame.
but i've made it 25 years, kids. here's to the next 25.

..

p.

s. - my friends are all beautiful, smart, amazing people.

Sat, Apr. 29th, 2006, 11:48 pm
Oh yes.

He takes another drag off of the cigarette and listens to the strands of the Church's "Interlude" while the moon casts a glare off the dirty lenses of his glasses, brushing the greasy strands of hair hanging in his face back behind his ear. There isn't much else to do at three a.m.

, except sleep of course, but that can't happen when your body has that achy directionless longing. The directionless longing is a vestige, like a dew claw or appendix, the last bits of the fight-or-flight reaction that makes heroes of some people, villains of others. It's not that he's a bad person, just a deserter of dreams and hopes, the nihilism has turned aspiration into a stomach ache and embarrassment in having wanted a future beyond the means he was born into.

So he sits in the dark, listening to dogs bark in the distance, and watching the white smoke curl out of his own mouth as he imagines it's all just a work of terrible fiction.

Fri, Apr. 7th, 2006, 02:01 am

I've finally got a cell on the way, email me at scumhaus@yahoo.

com if you'd like the number.
I've given myself the next 11 months to completely reinvent and reinvigorate my life.
I've decided that livejournal is essentially pointless.

I'll keep updating my myspace blog, but I don't have enough narcissistic self-importance for both. One, yeah, but not two sites.

I want to thank the people who were around for the shittiest year ever.

I can't even explain the sense of disappointment I have in every aspect of my life in the wake of the last year(s). Something or someone has to give soon, and I welcome it with open arms.

Take care.

Sat, Dec. 10th, 2005, 12:06 am
Updating Contact Information!

Okay, so my phone list has worn it's little paper self out, and it's time for me to update telephony contacts anyhow.

Reply to this and gimme your digits and addresses if you feel like letting me be able to contact you ever.
I have a problem with numbers, so I have to write those sorts of things down.
Thanks!

You can email me at scumhaus at yahoo dot com.


m!ke

Wed, Dec.

7th, 2005, 01:23 am
What I did tonight...

so there's that "find the bands" thing floating around myspace, and i did some looking on the intarnets and found out it's part of a promotion by virgin that actually can win you something...

the catch is, florida residents aren't eligible. d'oh. so yeah, i disregarded the previously tacked on lists from other peoples bulletins and tracked down what i could of the 74 by myself to get rid of doubles and not feel like i've been a mooch.

i'm fairly sure of most of them to where i'm at now.
1)Alice in Chains
2)Blur
3)b-52's
4)Gorillaz
5)Lemonheads
6)Pet Shop Boys
7)Cake
8)Scorpion
9)Guns 'N Roses
10)White Zombie
11)Seal
12)The Pixies
13)Postal Service
14)Dead Kennedys
15)The Vines
16)50 Cent
17)Madonna
18)Blondie
19)White Snake
20)Dinosaur, Jr.
21)Queen
22)The Sex Pistols
23)Prince
24)Led Zeppelin
25)The Cult
26)Eminem
27)The Eagles
28)Crowded House
29)The Eels
30)Radiohead
31)Hole
32)Iron Maiden
33)Cowboy Junkies
34)Black Crowes
35)Twisted Sister
36)Ratt
37)Beach Boys
38)Spoon
39)Black Flag
40)Scissor Sisters
41)Blind Melon
42)Red Hot Chili Peppers
43)Smashing Pumpkins
44)Nine Inch Nails
45)Garbage
46)U2
47)Talking Heads
48)Green Day
49)Jewel
50)Korn
51)The Police
52)Matchbox 20
53)Phish
54)Cypress Hill
55)Great White
56)The Cars
57)Skinny Puppy

Tue, Nov.

29th, 2005, 04:53 am
Fuck you, Charlie Kaufman.

"Do I have an original thought in my head, my bald head? Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn’t be falling out.

Life is short; I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m a walking cliché.

I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. Oh well.

The dentist called again, I'm way overdue. If I stopped putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass, if my ass wasn’t fat, I would be happier.

I wouldn’t have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time; like that’s fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again.

Five miles a day; really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing; I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do?

I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more; improve myself.

Maybe I should learn Russian or something. Or take up an instrument. I could speak Chinese.

I could be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short; stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair.

How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident.

Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that's not true, ''specially these days.

There's almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel like I should apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry.

Maybe that’s what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry..

. all my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help from them; but I'll still be ugly though.

Nothing is going to change that."

Sat, Nov. 26th, 2005, 04:16 am
I've made mistakes, I've had regrets.

okay, so another day is almost over and i still feel sick to my stomach and out of breath depressed.
i've never been this sad for this long before.
does anybody know of any free/cheap mental health clinics or anything?

does anyone have any medication they might want to share? anything?
i'm starting to get a little scared, here.

Thu, Nov. 17th, 2005, 02:56 am
bad timing.

i just went through the last two years of my journal, to see if i had anything incriminating in it that would become a problem if certain parties read it that i've taken hesitant steps toward resuming contact with for the first time in years.

it did, but that's fixed now.
also?
i feel sick to my stomach.

i really got screwed over, and feel abandoned by some people who were important and that i took for granted. they took me for granted too, maybe. maybe they didn't.

maybe it's all me.

brianna - i'm sorry i didn't realize that you weren't the girl you used to be when i first met you. it was wrong to assume you were, and you should never have pretended to anything you didn't really feel inside.

i would have loved you any how, for the friend that you had been when i didn't have many.

sara - i'm sorry that i gave you so much shit about doing your own thing and moving when you really didn't need it. i meant it when i said you have a good deal of potential, you humored me alot and made an effort to make me feel special.

thank you for that.

linda - not that you'll ever read this, but i'm sorry for not being the man you deserved, and for not giving you the attention that you gave me. you put up with more of my stupidity and immaturity in the time we lived together than anyone else could ever have handled.

i don't blame you for getting fed up and leaving, i just wish you hadn't. i do understand it, though. i was an awful boyfriend, and a mediocre friend.

you have more drive and strength in your heart than i ever imagined was possible. i'm glad you got better in spite of me.


and the people whom haven't abandoned me, but i most certainly do not want to take for granted:

katie - i'm sorry i've never been in a position to give you what you deserve.

you've always made due with parts, and been there to sweep up the fragments and settled for far less than you're entitled. you were there to suffer my greatest mistakes when i was your boyfriend, and since then you've been a really good friend, if not a demanding one, and i owe you more than i'll ever be able to repay. your love and steering kept me going for the last year, and i'm certain that you will find that kind of loyalty and regard from someone as wonderful as you.

(p.s. - you don't need to leave me any psychotic comments in response to this.

heh)

anna - you are my best friend. i love you with all my heart. thank you for knowing as much about me as you do and still being able to care for me.

you're more forgiving of me than i am, and without you i don't think i'd have the strength to go on. you are the best thing that's happened to me in, and the highlight of, the last couple years of my life. people go their entire lives looking for the sort of support, caring and loyalty that you give so selflessly.

thanks, kid.

and to everyone else i've wronged or neglected in my life, the liz's and abbie's, i really am sorry. you all deserve so much better than my insensitive insecurity and confused emotional immaturity.

i wish i could go back and do things the right way, or go back and never have done anything at all.

Wed, Nov. 16th, 2005, 01:16 am
Sympathetic Noose

I gotta feeling I can't lose,
I gotta sympathetic noose,
But I don't know how to be grateful,
Yeah I don't know how you're thankful,
I gotta feeling I can't lose,
I gotta sympathetic noose,
Cos you don't know how to lean on,
Yeah I don't know how to be freed from,
You gotta keep your head up,
You gotta let yourself get through,
All you ever dream,
Makes you want to hide,
Least all your expectations,
Feel the hole inside,
All you ever dream,
It makes you want to hide,
Least all your expectations,
Feel the hole inside.

I gotta feeling in my boots,
I gotta make some sense of you,
Cos I don't know how to be careful,
Yeah I don't know how to be there for,
I gotta feeling I can't prove,
I gotta sympathetic noose,
Cos I don't know how you're grateful,
Yeah I don't know how to be thankful,
You gotta keep your head up,
You gotta let yourself get through,
All you ever dream,
Makes you want to hide,
Least all your expectations,
Feel the hole inside,
All you ever dream,
It makes you want to hide,
Least all your expectations,
Feel the hole inside

yes, black rebel motorcycle club fucking rules me now.