(If you're wondering what this is all about, click .)
This week's subject: R'n'B
(And just for clarification, following James' comment to the post below - we're talking about R'n'B in the contemporary sense here..
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The case for the prosecution ( )
I am of the firm opinion that the categorisation of music into genres is probably the last refuge of the scoundrel (or Paul Gambaccini, if they’re not actually one and the same thing). If a record is good, what does it matter whether we choose to classify it as indie, or pop, or disco or whatever?
My record collection is resolutely alphabetised. In this democracy everyone is equal: Mozart sits side-by-side with Morrissey, The White Stripes and Scott Walker sit alongside ‘The Mighty Wurlitzer’.
Having said that, if we are going to generalise, let me just say that I can’t abide R’n’B.
Categorisation being what it is, I should probably just be absolutely clear what I mean by "R’n’B", right? Well, I’m not talking about soul music and I’m not talking about funk music. If we’re going to draw arbitrary lines, then I’m drawing mine there and I’m saying that those are different genres.
I’ve got absolutely no argument with Fats Domino or George Clinton, and I’m certainly not picking a fight with Aretha or James Brown. I’m not talking about hip-hop either. That’s an argument for a different day, but in my books, hip-hop lyrics are rapped, R’n’B lyrics are sung.
Yeah I know it’s not a clear-cut thing, but that’s the thing about categorisation isn’t it? It’s never black and white.
OK.
Rational argument Swiss, rational argument…. You’ll never convince anyone to vote for you if you don’t present a rational case for the prosecution. OK, well here it is: the music is shit.
It’s worse than shit – it’s insipid and it’s lazy. There. I’ve said it.
I’ve summarily dismissed a whole genre of music. Well, I’m sorry, but I just don’t like it. The acts are preening idiots, the videos are laughable and the lyrics are execrable.
R’n’B is Heat or Hello magazine in musical form. Maybe it’s no coincidence that David Beckham is a big fan. What’s for him not to like?
The ostentatious pursuit and vulgar display of wealth? The preening narcissism? The glorification of people of little or no talent at the expense of genuine achievement?
It’s all there, and it’s all set to a crappy, synthesised backing track. I look forward with interest to Beckham’s inevitable foray into the genre. Maybe I could file it alongside Belly, Booker T The MGs and Boston.
Obviously I’m generalising, but I really can’t think of any other genre of music that does as little for me as R’n’B. It just leaves me completely cold. I can see the formula, but where’s the imagination?
Where’s the substance?
Here’s my recipe for the perfect R’n’B act.
1.
For male R’n’B artiste - Take one young, black male. Send him to the gym until buff. Dress him in baggy leisurewear, ideally a white tracksuit.
Perch baseball cap at an angle on the top of his head, possibly on top of a bandana. Provide with a song that enables maximum bragging about own personal wealth, and sexual prowess. Ensure gratuitous display of lightly oiled torso.
Add guest rapper to taste. Signature act: Usher (although see also D’Angelo and R Kelly).
2.
For female R’n’B artiste - Take one young, black female. Send her to the gym until buff, although not so buff that she loses her sizeable tits and her bountiful booty. Dress in as little as possible.
Provide with song that allows maximum vocal showboating and a video that displays the maximum jiggle. Add guest rapper to taste. Signature act: Mariah Carey (although see also J-Lo, Whitney Houston, Toni Braxton and Beyonce).
Half-bake and serve.
The thing about categorisation like this though is that any generalising argument is nonsense. By indiscriminately slagging off a whole genre, all I’m doing is showing my own ignorance.
Not only are my likes and dislikes entirely subjective, but everything that I have said here could pretty much be applied to any other genre. Aren’t all indie videos formulaic? Don’t all the bands look the same and sound the same?
Where’s the imagination? Where’s the substance?
You see what I mean?
I suppose it comes down to personal taste then, which doesn’t really make for much of a debate.
"I like it."
"Well I hate it.
"
"Right then."
Well, my dad’s bigger than your dad… so you’d best vote for the prosecution, eh?
Besides.
I defy you to tell me that Usher isn’t shit. He really is. You know he is.
The case for the defence ( )
Syrupy slush. Power grabs. A grown man standing on top of a mountain with his shirt open, arms out stretched, eyes closed, wailing.
Hmmm. Goldie Lookin Chain hit the nail on the head with their remorseless pastiche of the current townie sound. R'n'B really doesn't inspire the most flattering images, does it?
Gaudy jewellery, somewhat sleazy sex and some genuinely awful artists: The likes of R Kelly, Mariah Carey, Usher, Pussy Cat Dolls and Sisquo certainly won't be going near my mp3 player any time soon. Cheesy, bland, over produced crap.
But then, but then.
Amerie shaking it over 'One Thing'. John Legend's simple piano on 'Ordinary People'. Justin finding his soul on 'Cry Me A River'.
Destiny's Child destroying the dancefloor with 'Bug A Boo'. Aaliyah breathlessly emoting on 'Try Again'. TLC setting their men right on 'No Scrubs'.
Kelis effortlessly seducing on 'Milkshake'. Nelly burning up on 'Hot In Herre'. Missy electro-cuting Ciara on 'Lose Control'.
Faith Evans laying down the law on 'You Gets No Love'. Andre 3000 giving it all on 'Hey Ya!' Angie Stone purging on 'Wish I Didn't Miss You'.
N.E.R.
D turning the tables on 'Provider'. And Beyonce turning the whole world upside down and inside out with 'Crazy In Love'.
Oh my!
Redemption, surely? Perhaps like all genres, R'n'B just has its good and its bad. Its image is as misplaced as guns 'n' bling is for hip-hop, pills and fluffy bras for dance and malnourished drugged-up white boys for indie rawk.
And yet, for some reason, R'n'B more than all these others has an image problem.
You can't fault the pedigree. The merging of the psychedelic funk and soul of the 70s as disco breathed its last.
In the 80s it absorbed influences from electro and hip-hop, helping it take over the dancefloor. And at the turn of the century, when so much alternative rock slipped into middle-of-the-road blandness and dance music overstretched itself, R'n'B had a producer-driven renaissance. The Neptunes, Rodney Jerkins, Kanye West and Timbaland made (and continue to make) records that were forward-looking and accessible, that challenged the mind and got your arse on the dancefloor.
Black people with computers are currently making some of the most exciting music in the world.
Just listen to Kelis' 'Caught Out There'. One of the tunes that kicked off the current boom.
The rhythm track is just random noise and bleeps. The beat is artificial, minimal and cold. The vocal screams at you.
And yet it's completely irresistible. It made Kelis an international star and The Neptunes the hottest producers in the world.
Sure there's dross, but that's the price of being the biggest sound in the world right now.
R'n'B is the sound of pop. It floats from every lowered twin-exhaust Nova and mobile phone in town. Britney, J-Lo and Robbie want the cachet that R'n'B brings.
Familiarity breeds contempt. But scratch the surface of the Top 10 and the latest flavour of the month, and there are some great R'n'B records out there.
In just the past few weeks I've loved Jamelia's 'Something About You', Nelly Furtado's 'Promiscuous Girl', Christina's 'Ain't No Other Man', Justin's 'My Love', Chamillionaire's 'Ridin', Gnarls Barkley's 'Who Cares', Kelis' 'Bossy' and John Legend's fantastic new album Once Again.
Exciting and sexy, often wonderfully silly and fun, but also soulful and eminently danceable. The world of music would sure be a duller place without R'n'B. And without 'Crazy In Love' in my record box, how am I going to fill the dancefloor.
..?
* * * * *
Thanks to Swiss Toni and Del. Now it's over to you. Guilty or innocent - YOU decide.
The comments box is open and awaiting your comments - you've got until Friday to make up your mind...
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