As I continue to push 30, with 30, sadly, pushing back a lot harder, I have begun to realize some of the failed dreams and life's goals I will never reach -- sex with Jenna Jameson, X-ray vision, and training my body to live solely off Sour Patch Kids.
But the big one is becoming a baseball player. Never going to happen now.
Sure, a few months ago the dream was still alive, but now that I'm 13 months from 30, as opposed to 16, it's time to let go of my dream, my dream to become a big-league closer.
The coolest part about being a closer is your entrance music. It's designed to strike fear into the hearts of your opposition.
For instance, the Padres' Trevor Hoffman comes out to AC/DC's Hell's Bells. The Mets' Billy Wagner and some other guy in New York come out to Metallica's Enter Sandman. Bad ass, indeed.
I always wanted to close, but go the other way with the music. Instead of metal or rock, I wanted to have the most ridiculous closer song possible, something that didn't induce fear, but induced confusion in my opponent. The last possible song you'd think of to get a stadium fired up.
I always had a hard time picking just one song to always come out to. What I would have done is pick a different song for every home appearance and keep it fresh and mix it up. You have to keep the other team off-balance.
You have to pick a song that no closer would ever make his entrance to.
Figuring I make about 40 appearances at home, I would need 40 different entrance songs. These are the songs that I would have picked, with the lyrics of the songs I wanted to hear as the bullpen door swung open in quotes:
1.
ABBA: Dancing Queen
"See that girl! Watch that scene!"
2.
Whitney Houston: I'm Every Woman
"Anything you want done baby, do it naturally!"
3. John Travolta and Olivia Newton John: Summer Lovin'
"Oh well, oh well, oh well, oh well, oh well, oh uhh!
"
4. Whitney Houston: I Will Always Love You
"And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII..
.."
5.
Celine Dion: Theme From Titanic
"Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feeeeeel you...
."
6. Lionel Richie: Hello
"Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?"
7. Sarah McLachlan: Angel
"You're in the arrrrrrrrrrms of the angel, may you fiiiiiiiind some comfort here.
"
8. Shania Twain: That Don't Impress Me Much
"OK, so you're Brad Pitt..
.that don't impress me much."
9.
The Golden Girls Theme
"Thank you for being a friend...
."
10. Shania Twain: Man!
I Feel Like A Woman!
"The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun..
. fun ..
. fun."
11.
George Michael: I Want Your Sex
"Sex is best when it's one on one."
12. Denis Leary: Asshole
"Folks, I'd like to sing you a song about the American dream.
.."
13.
Barbara Streisand: People Who Need People
"Are the luckiest people in the world...
."
14. Bette Midler: Wind Beneath My Wings
"Flyyyyyyyyy.
.. Flyyyyyyyyyyyy awayyyyyyyyy!
!"
15. Eric Clapton: Tears In Heaven
"Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?
"
16. Weird Al Yankovic: Like A Surgeon
"Like a surgeon, hey! Cuttin' for the very first time!
"
17. Madonna: Justify My Love
"Wanting..
.. waiting.
.. for you, to justify my love.
"
18. Vanilla Ice: Ice, Ice Baby
"Turn off the lights and I'll glow..
."
19. Ricky Martin: She Bangs
"When she moves, she moves I go crazy.
.."
20.
New Kids On The Block: Hangin' Tough
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
.."
21.
Right Said Fred: I'm Too Sexy
"I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I do, my little turn, on the catwalk...
"
22. The DiVinyls: Touch Myself
"I get down on my knees, I'd do anything for you..
."
23. Blue Swede: Hooked On A Feeling
"Ooga chaga, ooga chaga.
.."
24.
Gene Wilder: Pure Imagination
"There is no, life I know, to compaaaaaaaaare with, pure imagination...
"
25. Theme From The Greatest American Hero
"Whoooooo could it beeeeeeeee? Believe it or not, it's just meeeeeee!
!!"
26.
Rupert Holmes: The Pina Colada Song
"If you like pina coladas, getting caughhhhhhht in the rain...
"
27. R Kelly: Trapped In The Closet
"He walks up to the closet. He comes up to the closet.
Now he's at the closet. Now he's opening the closet..
."
28. The Alouette Song
"Et la tête!
Et la tête! Alouette! Alouette!
O-o-o-o-oh!"
29. Super Mario Brothers Theme
"Do do do do do do, do!
"
30. Borat: Throw The Jew Down The Well
"In my country there is problem..
."
31. Minnie Riperton: Loving You
"And every time that we, oooooh.
.."
32.
Spice Girls: Wannabe
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends...
"
33. Carly Simon: You're So Vain
"You probably think this song is about you. Don't you?
Don't you? Don't you?"
34.
Lionel Richie: Three Times A Lady
"You're once...
twice...
three tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimes...
"
35. Milli Vanilli: Blame It On The Rain
"You can blame it on the rain..
. 'cause the rain don't mind!"
36.
Ice T: Cop Killer
"I know your family's grievin'...
FUCK'EM!"
37. Britney Spears: Oops, I Did It Again
"Ooops, I, did it again, I played with your heart.
...
"
38. Kenny Rogers: Lady
"..
...
I love you...
."
39. Avril Lavigne: Sk8er Boi
"He's just a boy, and I'm just a girl, can I make it anymore obvious?
"
40. The Theme From Jem
"Jem Is My Name! No one else is the same!
Jem is my name! Jem!"
So there you have it.
If you can picture a big-league closer entering a game to any of these songs, I haven't done my job. If you can picture me entering a big-league game to all of these songs, then you know me very well.
That's it for me this week.
I'm off to the Rosen nuptials this weekend. Hopefully when I ask him if he wants to know the score of the Mets game around 9:40, he won't berate me and tell me how he doesn't need to know that sort of thing because he has a girl in his life.
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