Below are five pools containing the five basic elements of a good tabloid housewife-frightener - simply choose five numbers between 1 and 5, put them together and, hey presto, you have a scare story! For example, if you randomly select 31452, you get Illegal immigrant gang outrage! Slain by sick gangster flick-obsessed batter killers!
Big Brother Witches Held Accountable For Purley's Latest Horror! And then you just add a picture of that herbert miming a gun at David Cameron and you're sorted! Have fun - you're a journalist now!
1. The time has come to get tough on crime 2. Honest decent folk are being forced to live in fear 3.
It's not our fault, it's the immigrants 4. You can buy a gun for 400 on any street corner 5. We have to think about THE CHILDREN 1.
Purley's Better Dem Crew who torture their victims with deep fat fryers 2. The Curl Ya Wig Posse from Staines, who torture their victims with heated curling tongs 5. The Miniature Murdraz from Herne Hill, all of whom are under eight years old 1.
The violent lyrics of Snoop Dogg and Eminem 2. The So Solid Crew, some of whom have been to prison 3. Glamorous drug-addicted stars like Pete Doherty and Kate Moss 4.
British gangster flicks like Outlaw and Snatch Who is ultimately to blame? 1. A super-strong strain of cannabis known as "skunk" or "the chronics" 2.
The influx of eastern Europeans onto our streets, with Albanians almost certainly being involved somewhere 3. Tony Blair's unfulfilled "tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime" promises 4. Violent videogames like Gears Of War, Sonic The Hedgehog and Tetris 5.
Danielle Lloyd, Jo O'Meara and Jade Goody 1. Journalist in "serious" trenchcoat frowning next to "Welcome to south London" sign 2. Spotty 12-year-old making "pointy gun fingers" gesture behind David Cameron 3.
Shilpa Shetty lending her support to newspaper's hastily assembled "Stop the Violence NOW" campaign 4. A picture of a gun, any gun, with the caption "like the one used in yesterday's attack" 5. Any image of a teenager from any "ethnic minority" with a bandana pulled up over his face
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