I received a request from my dear friend Adrianne Joy to update on my life. No deep thoughts, no rants, just everyday stuff. So here we go.
Work - going well. Reegan is taking nice long naps. We've settled back into a routine since I've been home.
Tuesday was nice because I didn't have to be here until 10:15. That was a wonderful thing after traveling the day before.
I've started two new childcare jobs at Zionsville.
Tuesday nights it's just two little girls. Wednesday nights we have 12. Well, we did last night.
Last night was crazy. I was supposed to go to Drum Circle with Sally but I was falling asleep driving so we cancelled.
I'm also doing MOPS (Mothers Of Pre-Schoolers) on Friday mornings at Z-ville.
My mom and I are teaching a class together. That should be interesting. :-)
Family - good, I guess.
I haven't really been home much. (Shocker, I know.) Mom is co-leading MOPS with Jamie so she's busy with that and her pet-sitting business.
Joshua has started taking classes...
..somewhere.
I don't think it's the Village school. Crap. Anyway, those seem to be going well.
I'm glad he's in a structured class setting. He needs it. Mikayla turned 6 on Monday.
We went with the Burris' and Broaddus' to Chuckie Cheese. I haven't been there in years. My cousin stopped in and he, Joshua and I were remembering how much better the old CC was.
One thing that hasn't changed is I'm still wary of the giant rat walking around. Mikayla and Malcolm were both scared of him too. Dad is still giving golf lessons and selling bonds or whatever those things are called.
He and Joshua had fun doing a racing game while we were at CC. :-)
Friends - good. I haven't actually gotten to see many people since I've been home.
Maurice and Sally have been about it. Fortunately USOM is Friday so I'll get to see a couple more people. I'm hoping Crystal and I will be able to go swing dancing next Friday.
Church - great. We still haven't found a building. I think Shane's just being too picky.
(lol, sorry Shane. ;-) We're still meeting at Uncle Dan and Aunt Libby's for now but we do need to find our own space soon. Anybody got a building they want to give us?
:-D
Other stuff - Let's see...
..I've been going thru Teknon withdrawl for some reason.
(I have the oddest timing. 4 months later..
..) Everytime I pass Applebee's, there's a pang in my heart.
;-)
My grandmother sent me an "encouraging" email. Encouraging me to go back to school, anyway. *sigh* Oh well.
What can ya do? Family will be family.
I pulled out my old Chris Rice cd the other day.
I hadn't listened to it in a looooong time. I was kinda in an anti-christian music mood for awhile. (I told you, I go from one extreme to the other.
) But I think I'm coming back to the middle in this area. Chris Rice is good. He doesn't just sing the little praise and worship songs that are on every cd.
(Well, he didn't on my cd anyway. I haven't heard any of his latest stuff.) One of his songs really resonates with what's been going thru my mind lately.
Big Enough
None of us knows and that makes it a mystery
If life is a comedy, then why all the tragedy
Three-and-a-half pounds of brain try to figure out
What this world is all about
And is there an eternity, is there an eternity?
God if You re there I wish You d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don t mind me askin the questions
But I figure You re big enough
I figure You re big enough
Lying on pillows we re haunted and half-awake
Does anyone hear us pray, "If I die before I wake"
Then the morning comes and the mirror s the other place
Where we wrestle face to face with the image of Deity
The image of Deity
God if You re there I wish You d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don t mind me askin the questions
But I figure You re big enough
I figure You re big enough
When I imagine the size of the universe
And I wonder what s out past the edges
Then I discover inside me a space as big
And believe that I m meant to be
Filled up with more than just questions
So, God if You re there I wish You d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don t mind me askin the questions
But I figure You re big enough
I figure You re big enough
Cause I am not big enough Other than that, I've mostly been listening to 92.3.
They play a lot of Dave and U2. :-)
Stuff on the message board is good. We had two temporary "flounces" but they'll be backl.
;-) Ya'll are missed tho!
Haven't been to USOM since Rasta Man but we're going Friday, so I'll let ya know if anything interesting happens. Maurice volunteered us to do baking.
He said it was part of our "intentionally reaching out". To which Sheryl replied, "So you intentionally volunteered us?" and I said, "I think we should intentionally ditch him!
" :-) Ah, family! lol.
Well, I think that sums up my oh-so-exciting life.
Aren't you glad you read this? If you made it all the way thru, congrats. Have a cookie.
:-D
Blessings and courage!
So I've noticed that I've become really negative lately. Lots of contributing factors.
(Not the least of which is I'm just insane and have this split personality thing going on in my head.) But that's no excuse for constant negativity.
The irony is the negative part is mostly coming out in the blogs.
I don't think I'm being overly bad with people in person. But I was looking through my recent blogs tonight and was struck by how rotten I sound. In almost every one I'm either attacking someone or lashing out because I'm scared/hurt or letting my cynicism shine through.
I'm not living up to my name. Sunshine. Ha!
More like Eeyore. Eeyore's Gloomy Spot should be the name of my "happy place".
Maurice suggested that I've lost the "joy of my salvation".
I think he was kidding but I also think he may have been close to the truth. I tend to do things to the extreme and that's part of the problem. Hannah and I were talking about right and wrong and I admitted I didn't know what that was anymore.
Right now everything is grey. I know there is right and wrong. Without white and black, you can't make grey.
But I also don't know what is grey and what isn't. I don't trust what I've been taught anymore.
Sometimes I wish my way of thinking wasn't so complicated.
I think that faith would be easier. Instead, I have to hash everything out and beat the dead horse and figure out what I believe. Josh once said he sometimes wished he could be more like Jodi.
I'm inclined to agree. That's not to say she isn't smart or Godly or whatever. But she doesn't look at every friggin nook and cranny of every issue like we seem to.
She can take things at face value. Or my friend Debbie. She has a self-proclaimed "simple faith".
I envy that at times. What is, is. "God says it, I believe it, that settles it" type of thing.
Most days I'm glad that I have the ability to think a little harder than that. But I also can't help but wonder if this "deep journey" doesn't take some of the joy out of the walk. Instead of merely rejoicing in the fact that God is merciful, I have to ask why.
Instead of being in awe at God's creation, I have to ask if we're using it well. Instead of resting in His love, I have to ask if it's really unconditional. Instead of accepting what I've been taught for 20 years, I have to wonder if Adam and Eve are real people or if there's really a Hell.
I know it's a good thing to question. And just because I'm wandering a little, it doesn't mean that I'm lost. And hopefully the questions will either be answered or I will be able to come to grips with the fact that some of those questions don't have answers.
At least not ones that we can know right now. Maybe I can come "to love the questions themselves". And I know that Jesus is patient.
He's not waiting on one side of the bridge with His arms crossed, impatiently tapping his foot as He waits for me to make a decision. He's walking with me, answering what He will and slowly giving me peace about what He won't. There is comfort in that.
But there isn't joy.
Or maybe there is joy but I can't see it. Maybe it's a different kind of joy and I can't sense it because I'm expecting it to feel like it did when I became a Christian 5 years ago.
But it can't. Because I've changed since then. I think I've grown.
I hope so. It's always hard to tell with me. Two steps forward, one step back.
(Or some days one step forward and two steps back. :-/ My stumbling walk.)
Is it possible for your thinking to be clearer and more muddled at the same time?
That's really how I feel. One second I can see everything so clearly and the next my brain can't put two words together. Most days I just feel confused.
I know you're supposed to have joy in suffering. Does confusion fit in there somewhere? :-) For all those people who thought I had it together, sorry to disappoint.
I don't. I'm confused and wandering and in search of joy. Joy that I may already have but am too stubborn or blind to see.
But I am going to try to stop being so negative. It's not healthy for me and it can't be fun for you to read. Sorry.
The joys of reading the blog of someone who doesn't know which end is up anymore. :-)
Cast me not away
From Thy presence oh Lord
Take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me.
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