The Olympics, Binge Drinking, or Porn?
Just when I thought the Winter Olympics (TORINO!) would go by with nary a yawn, and a few hot speedskaters (I mean, have you seen those bodysuits?
WOW!)..
. anyway, just when I was hoping they would be over and done with, I allowed myself to get sucked in. It really wasn't my fault.
Every news broadcast in the country is promoting the hell out of people falling. Just this second, somewhere in Torino, someone fell. Trust me.
It might only have been Uncle Angelo again, drunk on vino, but regular people and atheletes (or competitors, if you like) are falling like a ton of bronze medals. Unfortunately, it only makes the news if you smash your jaw into a floor of ice, but oh well.
So anyway, I have always been a sucker for a good, painful fall.
And the brave faces people put on when they know the whole world has seen it, and reacted with either laughter or a shriek of "Oh No!" Oft clumsy myself, these ice dancers are really putting me to shame. I encourage any and all to tune in.
Still, that is not the reason for this blog. An added perk, yes. And let's not beat around the bush anymore.
It is damn funny to see people fall, especially when the whole world is watching and a lot is riding on it. After all, if you are an American and you don't win the gold, you might as well just stay in Italy, because clearly you suck. I am mildly horrified, however, that the news is exploiting the fun of an Olympic fall as a draw to watch.
They are really none too subtle about this. Anyway, it drew me in, and is what I found. Scroll through some of those gems, and riddle me this.
Is there really any difference between The Olympic Games, A Wild Night of Binge Drinking, or Good Old Porn?
a) Look at the costumes. Seriously.
.. only in the Olympics.
.. only if you're so drunk you're lucky your clothes are still on.
.. and only in porn, if you're so UNlucky and your clothes are still on.
b) Hey! Let's contort our bodies into freaky poses just to out-perform the competetion! This is a good idea if you are in the Olympics, wasted, or in porn.
c)Let's have a contest to see how far we can toss this tiny little woman in the air and hope she lands on this sheet of ice on the tiny blades we strapped to her feet. No, that sounds horrible! Oh wait.
Olympics...
post-keg stand...
maybe a Scandinavian porn, but hell yeah!
d)Let's barely disguise our latent, raging homosexuality. A good venue to showcase this might be in the Olympics, when you are totally shit-canned, or filming a porn.
I rest my case.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Michael Jackson has an outstanding loan balance of .Yeah, $270 million. What the f**k has this man spent $270 million on?
And don't let the door hit your enormous, untalented ass on the way out The Reign of Horror that was Friday nights 2005 at P-dice is over! Victoria Stiles' year as Miss Paradise is finally over and, boy, was it a tough year. In the spirit of un-PC analogies, I feel as if I am sprinting out of a concentration camp and into a brand new world.
A world where Victoria Stiles has been expelled. Of course, we have no idea who the new Miss Paradise is, and it just might be someone equally horrendous. But that is no matter.
The bitch-enemy of my drag queen horror is my friend.
Here's what the Pot and I will not miss:
1. Where are my alcoholics?
2. Her "dance" moves which merely mimicked self-gratification or fellatio.
3.
References to her 12" penis. Allegedly.
4.
You don't walk in front of the stage. Actually, it's a bar and people walk around.
5.
Did you douche?
Gross. And like a Jennifer Lopez movie, Enough.
I cannot speak for the Pot, but here is what I, personally, will miss: the silence. The silence in the room when she made a joke, finished an act, implicitly begged for applause..
.
Skwire writes: I concur 100% with the kettle, but i post the following picture to show how truly HOrendous Ms. Styles really is:
Take back the night! Although I strive to agree with my good friend Paulybones, I just can't concur with his opinion that a flat tire is Slashed or punctured, hacked or pierced, a flat tire just doesn't equate to rape (sorry, I don't see any similarities, not one) or the "cruel world" of starving children in Sally Struther's third world country of the month.
If you did in fact feel powerless, Paul, we should enable and embolden you to, well, .
A few suggestions on how to do so can be found and .
Now as for who may have slashed your tire, might I suggest that the police visit a certain mother who was a little angry over her daughter's B+?
The Year of the Cocktail, The Day of the Bluths
In case you weren't aware, 2006 is . No, really. Which seems pretty ingenious, and quite frankly, isn't it way overdue?
???
I have a feeling I will be waiting a while for it to be the year of the Lite Beer. Still, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I can hear a horrendous Jersey Shore drag queen squawking, "Where are my alcoholics?"
Anyway, I guess I will try to embrace the spirits of the year.
I once was told it was high time I stopped drinking beer and graduated to a more sophisticated, mature liqueur. If nothing else, I have something to strive for. Salut.
Everything You Wanted to Know About an Arrested Development Party, But Were Afraid to Ask
Ok, I was hoping it wouldn't be so soon in my blog life to out myself as a freak Arrested Development fan, but the two hour season/series finale is a mere 73 hours away. Time is wasting to plan the ultimate AD party.
I have thrown together some helpful hints (aka strict guidelines) to follow when you plan your Arrested Development party. Believe it or not, I am not a licensed party planner..
..
Attire
Come dressed as your favorite Bluth: orange prison jump suits, blue men, Mrs.
Featherbotton, a red “slut” tank top, Buster gear, army, leather daddy, Uncle Sam, or just smooth like Gob.
The Menu
Hot Ham Water
Assorted Appetizers..
.with club sauce
Mayoneggs
The Ike and Tina Tuna
Frozen Bananas
Prizes will be awarded for..
.
1. Creating the best Lindsay-esque cause
2.
The best imitation of a Gob "final countdown" dance
3. Recreating a buster panic attack
4. If you can stay in Michael’s character and ridicule other party guests with utmost sarcasm and dead-pannery
5.
Figuring out what to do with Maeby
6. Getting over your need for cutoffs, and bounding down the stairs naked
7. Saying "bob loblaw law blog" ten times fast
8.
Singing a fun rendition of "Tymocil!"
9. Doing a George Michael Jedi fight against yourself.
Bonus points if you win!
10. Frighteningly winking like Lucille
Activities.
..
1.
Get drunk and diss your mom.
2. Make fake eulogies for your dad.
3. Make a bird, or a yacht, disappear.
4.
Jerky Boys prank calls.
5. Make the Mexican maid feel uncomfortable.
6. Better yet, road-trip to Mexico.
7.
Crash a high school dance.
8. View an incestuous French film.
9. Do bad auditions for commercials.
10.
Exacerbate one's vertigo.
11. Take your daughter to work.
12. Karaoke “Afternoon Delight”
13. Mommy, what will I look like?
14. Banner-making!
Every half hour: random chicken dances
Party favor: whistles
Trivia contests: winner gets the Kitty.
News RSS