Imagined Invented Out of Whole Cloth! Hollywood, CA, 4/1/07 (Entertainment Tattler): Just at midnight on March 31, 2007 Steven Spielberg dramatically revealed that Britney Spears does not actually exist as a real person. Instead, he says she a total, imagined fabrication, created and totally maintained by handlers, body doubles, computer nerds and virtual reality specialists in his employ.
She s an imaginary being just as my character ET was back some 25 years ago - invented out of whole cloth. said Spielberg. We have kept her character alive through subterfuge, computer virtual reality, and body doubles when personal appearances have been called for.
Britney Spears is by far the most successful character I have ever invented and my company has made billions from her.
Speaking from a secret, undisclosed location Spielberg announced to industry insiders, In cooperation with Disney studios, my production company created, polished and presented the Britney Spears character to the public beginning on an April Fool s day in the nineties. And, it s been all uphill ever since.
But you must understand that maintaining the complete life of a fictitious, totally imaginary character for well over 10 years takes a great deal of energy and effort. Lately, some of her character s handlers, managers and body doubles have grown tired of the whole charade. Some are even near retirement.
We knew we couldn t just kill poor Britney off due to the unpredictable reactions of her fans. So we ve designed a series of catastrophic events in her life to cause her public to start losing faith in her.
That s why you ve seen all this bizarre personal behavior over the past few months.
Spielberg continued, We recognized that if we just killed her off we d have rioting all over the place from her fans, folks throwing themselves under buses, jumping off tall buildings, celebrating in Soho San Francisco and such. We ve tried to tone down her image and cast her in an unsavory light in order to ease her out of public life and wind down our presentation of her character. It is simply time to do that.
Even so, we are still very anxious of the reactions which some of her most diehard fans will have. We ll maintain extra security at our studios for the near future to be prepared for any contingencies. Obviously, we hope it does not come to that.
I m very sorry I must reveal this hoax to you now, but what better time than the anniversary of her invention. Another April Fool s day!
If you want to feel sorry for anyone, just think about poor Kevin Federline.
Poor guy s been married to a hoax since the beginning, no phone, no food, no sex! But, he s been damned well paid for it! Anyway, as they say, you ain t seen nuthin yet!
Just wait till you see my next creation! Spielberg crowed The story above is a satire or parody. .
If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, !
I've got nothing else to do, what's next?
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