Heavy metal is back, apparently. Now many of you will already be reaching for your metaphorical green pen and composing a response along the lines of "But heavy metal never went away". That's the thing with metalheads - they're not only vociferously loyal to their genre of choice but they are geekish beyond belief.
I once - by mistake I hasten to add - put up a Magnum promo CD for sale on eBay. Before I realised my mistake and removed it (you're not supposed to sell on promo CDs prior to release for obvious reasons) the bidding had reached 120. They could have bought it for a tenner about six weeks later but their love of Magnum was such that they were prepared to pay a huge premium to hear it early.
However, for most of us, heavy metal is one of those things that's best left to the fanatics. The lyrics about Satan rogering a snake while playing Russian roulette with the Angel Gabriel do my head in, never mind the obligatory strangulated vocals (one of the reasons I never really got on with Led Zeppelin was because of Robert Plant's screech) and the endless solos. But for me the utter lack of a sense of humour is probably what damns metal most - these chaps (and it's always blokes) just cannot laugh at themselves.
Yet, I guess they're having the last laugh now. Not only is there talk of a new wave of British heavy metal on the way with bands such as Gallows and Bring Me The Horizon being talked up feverishly by the music press and older bands such as Biffy Clyro (who I've been raving about for years by the way) being heralded as possible heirs to Nirvana, but research tells us that the brightest teenagers are metal fans.
First things first.
Gallows are no more heavy metal than were The Dead Kennedys - they have a sense of humour, for starters. And Biffy Clyro? Biffy are more art rock than cock rock.
The only thing they have in common with ridiculous bands such as Iron Maiden is that they play guitars and shout a bit.
And that research about teenage music fans who like metal being the brightest? Poppycock.
The kids made it clear that they liked metal because it allowed them to let off steam that they were unable to vent otherwise. They liked the aggression of the music. Now, what that says about their intellects I don't know but it doesn't say much for their social skills.
The only way they can vent their anger and frustration is through music? That says more about their upbringing than anything else.
So who are the brightest music fans?
Well, it isn't the R B tribe, with their propensity for tacky labels and GCSE retakes. Might it be the indie kids? At least they read books.
Strike that. At least they can read.
Nope, not them either.
Want to know who it is? It's the kids on the periphery, those who like a little Beyonc e , a dash of Arcade Fire and a spot of Biffy Clyro. You know, the ones with the open minds.
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