The Forever Endeavor: October 2006

No. Leave Them to Me.

What better way to watch it than to keep a blatant-rip-off-of-Bill-Simmons-running diary!

8:02 PM - I hate you, pre-game show. These games are going to be 4 hours long no matter what, can't we at least start them at a decent hour -- i.

e., if "coverage" starts at 8, the game should start at 8, if not earlier. You're not telling anyone anything they didn't already know in this 30 minute, shitty music-laden, cheap-joke riddled impromptu studio show on the field.

Yes, we know the game on Wednesday was rained out. Yes, we know it's cold in St. Louis.

Yes, we know who is starting this game (even if we didn't, who cares? We're going to find out in about 28 seconds anyway.)
8:28 PM - Just a quick note to all sportscasters and analysts: we know the weather has been a big deal in the World Series so far but making jokes that "I feel like I'm on the Weather Channel!

A-hyuck!" after voluntarily giving us a bunch of intricate weather information (like..

.do we give a shit what direction the wind is coming from? Either put it in relative terms for the game -- "the wind is blowing towards home plate from right field" -- or don't mention it and PLEASE don't make a big deal about "this wind from the Northwest!

". This stuff is just making me hate you more.
8:30 PM - Starting for the Cardinals tonight is Jeff Weaver.

See, I figured that out by looking at the graphic on the screen when they showed him take the mound. But, no, I needed Jeannie Zelasko, Kevin Kennedy and (insert current baseball personality, tonight played by Joe Girardi) to tell me this many times during the pre-game show.
8:31 PM - By the way, this is the same Jeff Weaver who was released by the Angels this past summer to make a roster spot available for his younger (read: more talented) brother, Jered.

The same Jeff Weaver who was pedestrian in the regular season but then magically turned into a fantastic pitcher in the postseason. So, basically, he's a warlock.
8:35 PM - 3 up, 3 down for Weaver.

Snooze.
8:36 PM - By the way, if the in-game interviews with managers didn't let you know that baseball is very, overall, very apathetic and full of silly downtime, how about this: pitchers can wear jewelry during games. Jeff Weaver has one of those thin chainlink gold necklaces popular amongst KMart denizens displayed prominently above his shirt.

8:39 PM - Starting for the Tigers tonight is Justin Verlander. I love athletes with my name. They're just rare enough to where it's still special to see one in a big spot.

Not only that, this guy graduated from Old Dominoin University! That's my college!
8:42 PM - JV gets an out and gives up a walk to the first two batters.

8:43 PM - Eek, that pitch was tremendously in the dirt.
8:44 PM - Good lord, so was that one. No Old Dominion student is surprised that this guy wasn't prepared for the real world.

8:45 PM - Ooh, a wild pitch!
8:46 PM - It's time for a conference on the mound.
8:48 PM - Another walk.

8:50 PM - Ok, he has thrown his balls in the dirt twice more (*snicker*).
8:52 PM - Jim Edmonds just took a swing at a 3-2 pitch so high that it would've grazed Chewbacca's chin. In other words, Edmonds could've easily walked there but didn't, instead choosing to fly out to center.

2 outs.
8:53 PM - The only thing I've heard about more in this World Series than Kenny Rogers and his pine tar skid mark is the fact that Dave Duncan (pitchingcoach for the Cardinals) is the father of Chris Duncan (outfielder for the Cardinals). Seriously, we get it.

8:55 PM - Wild pitch. Verlander is really looking like an ODU grad. That's his second wild pitch of the inning -- a World Series single-inning record, putting him in a company with 6 other people.

I'm sorry, but if six other people have done something, it's no longer a record...

you're just in a group of people who have done it.
8:57 PM - And that's the third walk of the inning. Bases loaded.

The Tigers actually have someone up in their bullpen.
8:59 PM - Verlander just threw a pitch that Pudge Rodriguez had to stand up and fully extend an arm to catch. "What that means is that that pitch was very high" says Tim McCarver; breaking down my comment.

9:00 PM - Ooh, Ronnie Belliard just grounded out on a close play. Verlander celebrates like a slave who made it to the North -- AND THAT WAS JUST TO GET OUT OF THE FIRST INNING. I don't like his chances.

9:11 PM - Weaver mows through the Tigers in the top of the 2nd. This is a very good sign that your team is sucking, when a pitcher who was actually waived halfway through the season is tearing you limb from limb. At least this game is moving quickly.

9:13 PM - Bottom of the 2nd and Verlander thanks his defense for making a terrible throw on a routine play and costing him a run. 1-0, Cardinals.
9:16 PM - Phew, the "ODU grad letting the world know just how inadequate his alma mater is" just escaped without increasing the deficit.

9:18 PM - Top of the 3rd and, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus -- we get to see Verlander bat. This is arguably one of my favorite elements of the World Series; seeing American League pitchers have to bat when they usually have not done it for years. Not only do their swings look like drunk toddlers, but when they get on base -- and especially in a game like this ("where it feels like it's 3 degrees!

" says Joe Buck) -- they wear their jackets. Such a baseball thing. You don't see Tom Brady putting on a giant jacket before going under center in a December game in Buffalo.

9:19 PM - Whoo, Verlander reached on a Fielder's Choice.
9:20 PM - Oh, but the inning is now over. Fiddlesticks.

9:24 PM - The Cardinals go quietly in the bottom of the 3rd. Booooooooorrring.
9:25 PM - Jesus tapdancing Christ, do I hate this John Mellencamp commercial.

Even though it's convoluted and stupid and cheap, I can at least understand why they'd show 9/11 and Katrina footage to inspire patriotism...

but why in the hell are we seeing a forest fire? That doesn't make me want to support the economy or Chevy.
9:26 PM - Top of the 4th!

...

I just wanted to exclaim it.
9:28 PM - Magglio Ordonez, who looks like a villain from some 1980s gang movie, reaches on a routine flyball that outfielder Chris Duncan -- hey, did you know that his dad is on the St. Louis coaching staff?

-- misjudges and drops.
9:29 PM - Ooh, we see from the replay that he actually seemed to flinch.
9:30 PM - Oh there's the replay again.

9:31 PM - Another replay? Ok.
9:32 PM - Another replay.

..this time slower.

9:33 PM - This replay looks like it was shot by Zapruder.
9:34 PM - Fox actually decides to interrupt the sixth replay and continue showing the game.
9:35 PM - BOOM shakalaka!

Sean Casey crushes a homer down the line to deep right field. I think Jeff Weaver's deal with the Devil expired at 9:35 PM EDT. 2-1, Tigers.

9:36 PM - Aaaand Weaver does the typical thing and seems to force the next batter to screw up, drawing the 3rd out of the inning.
9:37 PM - I tell you, I'd like to see that Duncan replay again.
9:39 PM - Oh, we're back from commercial and there it is again.

9:42 PM - Not to be out-done by this Weaver character, Verlander has let two of the first three batters on base.
9:46 PM - Jeff Weaver bunts and -- there that's Monarch heritage! -- Verlander throws to third and the ball goes about 90 feet too far to the right and careens down to the corner.

9:47 PM - One run will score! And it's ALLLLLLL TIIIIIIED UUPPPPP.
9:48 PM - We only get to see the Verlander throwing error once, in a replay.

I think the boys in the booth forgot who Buck and McCarver root for. They screwed up and showed the Duncan replay 28 times so Buck and McCarver threatened them but then the guys screw up again and don't show the Detroit mistake but once.
9:49 PM - David Eckstein grounds out, but another run scores.

3-2, Cardinals.
9:50 PM - Hey, Chris Duncan is up..

.I think he's related to one of the coaches.
9:51 PM - Fly ball by Duncan.

Inning over.
9:52 PM - Fox thinks it's in America's best interest to show us a quick montage of errors made, with Britney Spears' "Oops, I Did It Again" in the background. And why wouldn't they play that song, it's only, what, from 1999?

9:53 PM - There is no show I hate more on planet Earth than Prison Break. I can't even put it into words.
9:54 PM - Toby Keith seems like he'd be a real big douchebag.

Maybe because he is a real douchebag? Might just be a coincidence.
9:55 PM - Top of the 5th, and Jeff Weaver's hair is looking particularly feathered.

9:56 PM - Brandon Inge strikes out. Here comes Justin Verlander to bat again!
9:57 PM - Joe Buck gives us a very forced promo for Sunday's Buccaneers-Giants game in between the Inge and Verlander at-bats.

He throws in some unnecessary football facts and storylines to solidify the fact that it should definitely be mentioned during a baseball broadcast.
9:58 PM - Verlander strikes out. O!

D! U!
9:59 PM - Someone in the audience has a sign that reads "LEAVE IT TO WEAVER".

His friend is helping him hold it. For someone to think of this horrible idea is one thing, but to be that guy's friend, to hear his idea, encourage the idea, and then help him hold it at a potentially championship-clinching World Series game? How lame can you get, seriously?

10:00 PM - Weaver walks Curtis Granderson and then escapes the inning.
10:01 PM - I have to be honest, I love the HP commercials with Jay-Z, Shaun White, or Pharrell where they just act with their hands, in regards to their personal laptops. I love the blatant Virginia Beach shoutout Pharrell throws into his, too.

Wonderful.
10:02 PM - They're coming out with a Saw III? Really?

Were there too many questions left unanswered and too many body parts left unsevered after Saw I and Saw II?
10:03 PM - Verlander is somehow still in the game. Tim McCarver "can't remember off-hand, but I don't think Verlander has thrown a curveball for a strike tonight".

Joe Buck agrees. Of course, these are the two guys who called Ronnie Belliard "Raphael" a few games ago (Raphael Belliard, of course, being the baseball player who retired over 10 years ago) so, who knows just how much they do know, off-hand.
10:04 PM - Albert Pujols strikes out.

Heh-heh, Poo Holes. Curiously, Verlander gets him with a curveball.
10:05 PM - Verlander burns through the rest of the Cardinals and we escape the inning without getting too far into the in-between inning interview of Jim Leyland.

What do they honestly expect Leyland to say about Verlander's throwing error? "Actually, Joe, I'm going to pinch Justin when he gets back to the dugout -- he's better than that!" No, he's going to say some cliche politically correct nonsense statement, so, this begs the question: Why even interview anyone during the game if you aren't going to ask them interesting questions like "what's the funniest obscenity you've heard tonight?

" or "true or false, coach: you laughed at that Chris Duncan error"?
10:06 PM - Another installment of the Chevy commercial. Upon further review, the Katrina footage isn't even hopeful or inspiring -- it's just a thousand homes completely flooded.

At least the 9/11 homage is a shot of the twin light beam memorial thing; what's the advantage of showing us the ravaged Gulf Region rather than maybe people cleaning up or helping repair? And I still do not get the forest fire inclusion.
10:07 PM - Weaver takes out the first two batters in the 6th -- oh, but, luckily, we're going to get back to the tail end of the groundbreaking Jim Leyland interview.

10:08 PM - Sean Casey is up again and I think Weaver threw him the same pitch he hit 400 feet about 30 minutes ago and Casey MIRACULOUSLY hits it to the warning track where Chris Duncan (Dave Duncan's son) is going to make the catch.
10:09 PM - Oh sweet Georgia Brown, he..

.he didn't quite make that catch. He stumbled back, the ball went right under his glove, hit the ground, and the momentous-filled Duncan spun and slammed into the wall before going to pick up the ball.

That was just ugly. It looked like a baby horse trying to walk.
10:11 PM - That's a 2-base error charged to Duncan but then the scorekeeper decides to mark it simply as a double.

Ok, so, in that scorekeeper's opinion, that was not a ball that should've been caught? Really?
10:12 PM - Weaver bails out Duncan from being killed Temple of Doom style in the parking lot at the hands of a crazed Cardinal fan, by striking out Pudge shortly after.

End of inning. It's a safe bet Duncan will not be in the game following the bottom of the 6th. He might not be alive after this inning, actually.

10:14 PM - Fox welcomes us back from the commercial break by showing us the one Tiger error four times over top of the "sending out an S.O.S.

" chorus from The Police's "Message in a Bottle". At this rate, the next song chosen to play alongside error clips will be from the 1970s. Additionally: why isn't Fox showing us Chris Duncan's two hilarious errors over and over?

Who cares that the Tigers have made mistakes in the past few games, as of TONIGHT, the Cardinals are making the most putrid plays -- let's see that drop/stumble/slam into wall maneuver of Duncan a few times with, I don't know, "Stayin' Alive" playing. By the way, it's a coincidence that they aren't showing the clips of St. Louis mistakes after that first accidental rapidfire replay of Duncan's first error; Joe Buck is just the Cardinals' full-time TV announcer (as was his father) and Tim McCarver used to play for the Cardinals.

..but no, just a random chain of events that the Cardinals' mistakes aren't being shown as frequently as the Tigers' errors.

10:22 PM - Yadier Molina hits a bloop single to lead off the bottom of the 6th. Up next is So Taguchi. That's not a misprint -- his first name is "So".

YOU'RE SO TAGUCHI, BABY, AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!
10:23 PM - An unedited quote from Joe Buck, as Taguchi stands in the batter's box: "Taguchi is up there to hit". Oh, ok; see, I wasn't clear on what the primary goal of the guy with the bat was, exactly.

Taguchi grounds out.
10:24 PM - Jeff Weaver grounds out.
10:25 PM - I don't remember who else got out in this inning.

Who cares.
10:26 PM - I don't know anything about Howie Long as a person, but he seems like a meatball. And him hawking Chevy trucks doesn't make me any more interested in them or him.

10:27 PM - Chris Duncan is out of the game. For some peculiar reason, we have not seen a shot of him in the dugout. I'm quite certain he is dead.

10:28 PM - Poo Holes makes a wonderful play to throw out Placido Polanco. Tim McCarver has had an orgasm in the wake of this play. Joe Buck responds "It was a good play, yes, but, I don't think I could have sex with it, Tim.

"
10:30 PM - Two more schlomo's from the Tigers are up and out.
10:31 PM - Interesting tidbit fed to us by Fox, that adds a lot to the presentation of a World Series game: Jeff Weaver's favorite show was/is Silver Spoons. I think I know why the Angels cut him -- and it had nothing to do with talent.

10:32 PM - This whole let's-sing-God Bless America-during-the-7th-inning-stretch bit baseball stadiums do, since 9/11, is played. And why do we need to see it, as TV viewers?
10:33 PM - Plus, and this has been a constant for years, do they even sell those generic jackets that just have the World Series logo on them, that are only seen when worn by the singers for the anthem and God Bless America?

Who would want that?
10:34 PM - Aw, Justin Verlander is done for the night. That brings his "Terrible World Series Performances" tally up to 2.

Way to go.
10:35 PM - Can we please stop making light of the fact that David Eckstein is short? We know.

It's very obvious but we're reminded every FUCKING day that he's 5'6" or whatever. Who cares! He's a baseball player.

A good one, recently. But, no, he's the "fast little Eckstein" or "scrappy little Eckstein". How about the multifaceted Eckstein?

Huh? How about Big Time Eckstein? And we don't need any more HILARIOUSLY contrasting metaphors like "the little guy with the big bat" or "the big heart isn't in the biggest body" to sell us on his success, thus far.

10:37 PM - Good thing they pulled Verlander -- his replacement (somebody named Fernando Rodney who all too eerily resembles a parent I frequently encountered at Horizons last summer or the clerk at the 7-11 on south Battlefield Blvd.) has given up an infield single and a walk and is now facing Poo Holes with nobody out. We got 'em RIGHT where we want 'em!

10:38 PM - Poo Holes does what all great players do in important games -- flies out to rightfield.
10:39 PM - The next batter, Jim Edmonds, gets in on the action and flies out, too. According to Tim McCarver, the fly ball apparently was the cause of Edmonds bringing his hands forward while swinging.

Tim must be familiar with some sort of telekinetic axe-swing style of hitting where people don't bring their hands forward because there is no physical way to swing through a ball without bringing your hands forward. Still, Tim believes if you bring your hands forward "the pitcher's got you". Yeah, every hit in the history of baseball really was just an example of the pitcher "getting" the hitter.

10:41 PM - Scott Rolen continues his rejuvenated assault on the sport of baseball by singling in a run. No size-related jokes about Eckstein are made as he scurries home. Oh wait, scurries.

..that's a rodent thing.

4-2, Cardinals.
10:42 PM - Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie Belliard -- THE ENDER OF INNINGS!
10:44 PM - I liked the Ben Stein Ferris Bueller DirecTV ad.

I endured the Bill Paxton Twister version. I accepted the William Shatner Star Trek installment..

.but I do not get the Jessica Simpson Dukes of Hazzard one, here. Who in the hell is going to order Dukes of Hazzard on DirecTV?

Would Jessica Simpson even do this?
10:46 PM - Jered Weaver -- also known as the Really Good Weaver -- is in attendance and in full Cardinals garb, to support his brother. I don't think, if I were an Angels fan, I would accept this.

Yes, he's family but come on, just dress normally and root for the man.
10:48 PM - Meanwhile, the Mediocre Weaver just blazed through the Tigers in the top of the 8th. Fox is showing shots of his teammates and fans like the game is about to end.

Folks, it's only the 8th. Take a breather.
10:50 PM - The Tigers turn to a reliever named Zumaya to try and keep this a 2-run game, in the 8th.

10:51 PM - Yadier Molina flies out.
10:52 PM - So Taguchi just looks "Marginally, Kind Of Taguchi" as he strikes out.
10:54 PM - A foul pop-up ends the inning.

Buck and McCarver are not making too big of a deal out of the fact that their favorite team -- err, I mean, the National League representative, the Cardinals -- are about to win the World Series. We weren't even given the classic "AND THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS.

..ARE THREE OUTS AWAY.

..FROM A WORLD SERIES TITLE.

.." line or anything.

10:56 PM - In that Budweiser ad that ends with Jay-Z telling us to "Expect Everything" following the announcement that he is returning to music...

is that supposed to be sarcastic or something? 'Cause I absolutely expected him to return. And why are Dale Earnhardt Jr.

and Danica Patrick involved at all?
10:58 PM - I don't know why but the Cardinals have chosen to go to their closer, Adam Wainwright, to clinch the World Series, rather than let Jeff Weaver try to get the job done and pretty much cement his MVP award.
11:01 PM - Why are all the players and coaches wearing batting gloves to stay warm, in the dugout?

Those things don't help at all.
11:03 PM - The Cardinals are 8-0 in this postseason when leading after 8 innings. Just putting it out there.

11:05 PM - Ok, I was just saying that to try and jinx the Cardinals.
11:09 PM - Magglio Ordonez (credited as "Henchman holding wrench" in last week's episode of Bones) drives a ball right up the middle, bounces it off a squirming Wainwright, and is thrown out at first. AND THE CARDINALS.

..ARE TWO OUTS AWAY.

...

FROM A WORLD SERIES TITLE. Neither Buck nor McCarver have uttered the phrase, yet. They're just praising Tony LaRussa -- who has the same look on his face that I did when I found out the two pieces of artwork I did in 12 seconds actually made it to the finals of the Chrysler Museum's Student Gallery.

11:10 PM - Sean Casey at the plate.
11:12 PM - And Wainwright has run the count full.
11:13 PM - Casey explodes a double.

I wonder if the other Tigers are taking notes...

11:14 PM - Now batting...

representing the tying run...

Pudge Rodriguez. The same Pudge Rodriguez who apparently completely forgot how to hit a baseball in this postseason. I love his chances here.

11:15 PM - Oh, also, they're pinch running for Sean Casey; a move that Tim McCarver thinks Jim Leyland isn't aware will remove Casey from the lineup, should this game go to extra innings. No, Leyland probably has no idea.
11:16 PM - Pudge has a check-swing groundout.

Well done. AND THE CARDINALS..

.ARE ONE OUT AWAY..

.FROM A WORLD SERIES TITLE. Buck and McCarver are usually predictably cheesy, lame, and annoying but they're letting me down here.

11:17 PM - The Cardinals last chance is Placido Polanco. A few marginal pitches after he settles in, it's 2-2 with 2 outs. He needs to change his name to Placebo because I don't think this is going to work.

11:18 PM - A wild pitch from Wainwright allows the pinch runner (Santiago) to make it over to third. It's a full count.
11:22 PM - Wainwright walks Placebo and the tying runs are on base.

Here comes Brandon Inge.
11:23 PM - Because Inge is up, we're treated to a few clips of his play tonight. But, of course, some of the clips shown are defensive plays he has and has not made, which totally have a bearing on whether or not he'll be able to keep this game alive.

11:24 PM - A big whiff for strike one.
11:25 PM - A check swing for strike two.
11:26 PM - And a huge whiff puts strike three on the board, Inge on the bench, and St.

Louis into a frenzy rather quickly.
11:29 PM - Buck and McCarver have not spoken in nearly 3 minutes. Thank you, baseball Gods.

The shots of the team and coaches celebrating, the fans rejoicing, and the somber Tigers is all anyone wants to see.
11:30 PM - FUCK. Not only is Buck talking again, but he's throwing it to Chris Myers.

WABBA WABBA WABBA Jim Edmonds WABBA WABBA WABBA. At least Edmonds is upfront about whether or not he and his team thought they had a shot to win, after their collective pissing-of-the-bed down the stretch of the regular season.
11:31 PM - I don't think Chris Duncan should be allowed to celebrate.

That's the only drawback to them winning this thing -- we won't get to see those miscues again and again and again.
11:33 PM - Oh sweet Jesus; Fox has chosen to show us Jeff Weaver highlights with Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man" blaring. I want to stick something in myself.

11:35 PM - It might be just me but that ad for The List -- Fox's new game show -- where one of the contestant freaks out after being charged to name 40 animated Disney movies? It doesn't scare me. Let's try it: Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Mulan, Fox and the Hound, Toy Story, Toy Story 2, A Bug's Life, The Incredibles, Finding Nemo, Chicken Little, Pinocchio, Fantasia, A Goofy Movie, Pochahontas, A Jungle Book, Cars, The Wild, Dinosaur, Peter Pan, Monsters Inc.

, The Return of Jafar...

I'm sure I'm missing really important ones. But I don't care because I quit!
11:40 PM - It only took fifteen minutes for them to give out the MVP award and your winner is.

..
11:41 PM - BIG TIME DAVID ECKSTEIN!

Chris Myers had to slip in a "the littlest guy on the field" aside while interviewing the MVP. He's the same height as you, bitchfist.
11:42 PM - Good night America.

Good job, Cardinals (and Sean Casey). Good riddance, Joe Buck, Tim McCarver and Jeannie Zelasko..

.at least for another 11 months.

Special Vaginas Unit,
JB