So, less than a month after you've won the Super Bowl, you've got a bevy of entertainment options and endorsement opportunities. Or, you can just ignore both and sleep on a beach somewhere, maybe make out with balding country music stars your wife, just take it easy.
Or: You can accept $200,000 to show up at a Sweet Sixteen party.
According to one of the (anonymous) party attendees, Manning spent the past weekend as the main attraction at a girl's Sweet Sixteen party; he was rumored to have been paid $200 grand for a two-hour appearance. (Cedric the Entertainer was also there, which must have been confusing, since "The Entertainer" is also Peyton's nickname.)
"The first hour was the actual birthday ceremony which included Manning hiding behind a cake with a baker's hat on, then Manning took off the hat and surprised the birthday girl and the rest of the crowd.
The second hour was Peyton standing next to a background and a professional photographer, where the entire party lined up to take pictures with him one by one. The pictures were printed and framed and given to the guests as they left."
We're sorry, but if you want Daddy to hire someone famous to attend your Sweet 16 party, and you pick Peyton Manning .
.. you're the lamest teenager we've ever seen.
We love that of all the people in the above photo, Peyton's the one who looks like he's going through his awkward phase.
Some more pictures from the evening are after the jump.
hey girl,
my living room chair just called.
it wants its upholstery back.
psyche! i don't own anything that ugly.
@ : Lt. Exley would like to recall the comment about the Sears Tower. It was insensitive and politically incorrect.
He would also like to point out that this site linked today to a first person account by Terry Schiavo on the NFL free agent activity.
Moralizing on conspicuous consumption exemplified by hiring NFL quarterbacks and not-even-remotely funny entertainers for family celebrations, making fun of people's appearance, torturing ESPN talent and dick jokes can recommence.
@ : Crick-et?
It's only a matter of time before Peyton Manning and Mike Dunleavy Jr start hanging out in downtown Indy.
[oh, and also insert Tom Brady supersperm pregnancy joke here]
Can we just hug out all the misunderstanding about the terrorism joke, or would Timmy H. not approve?
If there's one thing the last 2-3 weeks have taught us, it's that Tim Hardaway jokes = always a safe target. But Amaechi jokes = not necessarily always safe. Hence, the bipolarity of DS.
Deadspin. A mystery, riddle, and enigma - all wrapped up in one big dick joke.
@ : @Lt.
Exley:
when someone named analrapist takes offense, you've probably gone over the line.
I know I am a little late to respond, but that just made me laugh so hard I had to walk out of my office, through the lobby, and into the hallway lest someone ask me what I was laughing at.
What?
I don't get a mention for the 16th birthday party and what NOT to do with one's life? (Or do I just get invited to your (16*3) birthday party?)
New column fodder for The Balls: What are the odds that an athlete would show up at your Sweet 16 birthday for $200,000?
Seriously, these over-the-top birthday celebrations are getting out of hand. In a few years, my neighbors will be importing Cinci Reds and Bengals for birthday parties. (Easy joke: When hiring the Bengals, hide your jewels and fine china.
)
I'll be shelling out fifty grand for the Ron Mexico Experience to show up at my oldest son's birthday party, just to keep up with the Jones's. (Easy Joke: When hiring the Ron Mexico Experience, hide your wives.)
Today, I imagined that Deadspin was written in second-person.
All of it. Even the comments.
It had a very choose-your-own-adventure feel.
Turn to page 21 to make it rain.
Turn to page 33 to confront Carl Monday.
@ : You just did a very dangerous thing to me.
I love reading those stories still and have a tendency to write them. Don't make me write a deadspin choose-your-own adventure story.
Ah fuck.
I'm stuck doing now eventually. Starting location. The Preakness.
Although I could write about 9 articles on Scooter I think Ugly Joe Kid's cover of Cat's in the Cradle is up this week followed by the Nexus cover of Aqualung.
5)Reset Cookies and Cache if Avatar doesn't show up.
6) Give her the box.
7) Make her open that box.
@ : I turn them into creative writing classes. It is also good for a mean look from the professor.
Especially when you are suppose to read your work out loud.
The only non-text books in my room right now are a collection of the "Choose-You-Own-Adventure" series.
Featuring such greats as Vanished, Who Kill Harlow Thrombey, The Island of Time, and You're a Monster.
There is one in my room where you have to go to Japan to hunt down this girl for the FBI and when I got to Japan I decided to take a nap instead of going sightseeing and ended up being kidnapped by ninjas,
Jack Bauer won't let that happen.
Speaking of which, 15 minutes 'til The Hour of Bauer.
I must go and stock up on baby wipes.
7 - Serious injury, garden variety death (old age)
10 - Random, unfair death (Lidle) or death on a grand scale (war, genocide)
The stakes are high. The audience is tough. Thanks for the forgiveness.
I will go back to periodic unrequited flirting with Siobhan and trying to say something amusing once very two weeks or so.
What's the whole PG R thing?
I've been pretty happy with Transmission for torrenting on my Mac.
@ : Where do the Retard jokes fall on your list?
Also, I think you need subcategories for racist jokes. It's obviously a lot less taboo to make fun of say Mexicans or Chinese people that African Americans.
Sigerson Holmes: Thanks for the advice, I will look into it!
One more question though, is deferred adjudication available for traffic tickets in all traffic courts? (i.
e, Duluth, Georgia)
Thanks!
Well, Chief that is one of the sweetest things I've ever had said about me. I just figure I haven't met a great enough guy yet.
: )
I'm just excited that I get to see 4 games for $30. I have nosebleed seats, but I'll just keep moving around til I'm pretty close or ask for the ticket stubs of fans who are leaving.
Two years ago at the Dance my mom and I went to Indianapolis for Iowa first round game and we found two old Western KY fans who were leaving and asked for their tickets.
It turned out they'd been in the second row, courtside. My mom and I could've reached out and touched the players, it was awesome.
The deadspin adventure game?
>>You are in a maze of twisty little comments, all alike
>>you posted. There is alcohol here
>>you drank the alcohol. it was warm and very foul tasty.
>> you vomit. You see a man appear offering you a line of coke.
>> Sorry!
It was not Lt. Winslow, but Officer Friendly. You are now busted.
Wait, the Pants Party is on May 11th? At 5:30?
Haha.
..oh my god, that is ridiculous.
I'm going to be IN CHICAGO...
.and I can't come. I'm supposed to lead a panel.
...
at Anime Central.
Jesus Christ, man. Jesus Christ.
@ : I have not had the pleasure of seeing her. Here's the thing, though. Without going into detail, I got my commission in the Louisiana State Police force through typical sordid local politics.
After I was sworn in by the Lieutenant Governor I turned to the Commandant of the State Police (typical crew-cut humorless nazi) and put the question to him
"So, sir, what is this really good for? Will it get me out of a DUI"?
"Son, you are a Captain in the State Police.
That badge is good for a DUI and a dead hooker in the passenger seat".
So I can pretty much get away with a lot of awful shit.
Hola peoples.
Did this girl request that Peyton be at her Sweet Sixteen, or did her parents use her sweet sixteen as a guise to meet him?
I'll admit it, I called the Mets last year to see how much it'd cost me to have Mr. Met at Baby Metschick's first birthday.
It was $500. I then remembered that babies don't care about that crap, and bought a big inflatable bday cake and a bubble machine instead.
I'll bet you're right on the latter, Metschick.
So, since driving for 6 hours to Chicago to see the Royals lose to my team's mortal enemy isn't gonna happen anytime soon, I'm having my own effin pants party. At the Metrodome.
Oh yeah.
Trashbag walls and all.
@ :, @ : Me! Me!
That was me! Yes! Seriously!
Anyone who's going to be in Las Vegas July 5-9, email me:
@ : Aw!
Four times as many people that read mine, at 1/3 of the length.
Joking or not joking, I resent the implication (and there IS an implication) that I'd be better off with you guys, like you're the cool kids saving me from the nerdy little anime convention.
I've been to baseball games with friends, a shitload of them. How many of you have been to a con? I'm going to make a decision on my own which I'd rather attend, but I don't like the assumption that it's a no-brainer.
Commenting on Deadspin is a shitload of fun, and some of the posts are the funniest shit I read all week, but that aside, I don't feel I have much in common with...
well, with practically any of you. Conversely, I have a lot in common with most con people.
@ : My best friend had her Sweet Sixteen at Chuck E.
Cheese. Her aunt dared her to have it there, and told her if she did, she'd pay for it. My friend called her bluff.
We had a great time, even thought they didn't let us into the obstacle-course thingy.
@ : Yeah, probably then he would have. She did "meet" him in August when we were in DC (is Mr.
Met the only mascot that travels with the team - although, now that I think about it, the Orioles mascot was there too, and so was the Blue Jays mascot -weird). She didn't seem terrified of him, just curious as to what the hell that was.
I'm done with the Bar, but don't get my results till May.
I'm in Florida right now, spending some R R time with Baby Mets, who was pretty much neglected during all of February.
Buzz off, seriously. If you don't care, then don't chime in with your "nobody reads my column either" shit, which is blatantly false anyway.
Don't tell me to grow up if you're gonna throw shit like that around. Just kidding? There's a kernel of truth behind every joke.
And all of the goddamn assumptions. Jayhawk, I know you guys are hanging out until late, I know the game is at 7. Ever think that maybe I'd rather hang out at the con?
What, you guys are so special I should drop any plans I had just so I can receive the honor of hanging out with you?
Well, there goes any chance of me actually being funny and finishing my liveblog. God, I don't drink much, but I need a fucking drink right now.
@ : RMI, Inc. As my homey I ask you to lighten up a little if you can. Never been anything but love on Deadspin, even when we are disagreeing completely and start tossing insults.
I'll even admit, I tried reading your anime posts. Only bothered because we have met (online) and you obviously put great effort into your work on them. Still, such foreign material to me I couldn't keep going.
Nothing personal though, still much love here.
If you don't feel the love, however, go fuck yourself.
That's a joke, hermano.
Jebus, you're too good to me.
If we're comparing page views, why don't we all just unzip and measure..
..
Isn't that what this is really about?
SFoC!
@ : OK, I'm only telling this story once. (Oh, who am I kidding)
Basically, I was (oh, who am I kidding, am) a hypergeek, and in spite of being Irish and in spite of visiting Ireland a month before turning 21, I did not drink at all before I turned 21.
So, my first week of senior year, I have my first beer. What I learned is that I hate beer, hate the taste, hate the fact that I get no buzz because of my size. So, I go back to being the DD (or at the very least, the sober one to get people home.
)
Fast forward to my work career. People keep going out for drinks after work and my perception is that they think I am anti-social because I never go out. So I try and go out a couple of time, and I start going after Mike's Hard Lemonade, because, well, it's at least something.
I have two of them and my eyes start watering and I stuff up like I have the worst head cold in the world. This starts happening enough when I drink that I start to make the connection.
So last summer I go to the allergist and see if I can figure it out.
It turns out that I am not allergic to alcohol, per se, but the preservatives in the malt beverages and the sulfates in wine. So basically, I hate beer, and I can't drink anything else without feeling utterly miserable after two drinks. So basically, I'm allergic to alcohol.
But I really am OK with it.
Alright..
.
Racistmascot, Inc. go to your room and don't come out for an hour.
Same for you Lady Andrea.
Quit bickering like brothers and sisters. And none of this he (or she) started it crap.
You both have blood on your hands.
You made the half bottle? Big ups to you, man!
I don't have confidence in everything, but I'm confident I have a bigger dick than you, Andrea.
Do pageviews mean everything to me? No, I'd much rather write a good article than one that gets tons of pageviews.
But I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't tick me off when I get it rubbed in my face.
I have a feeling digging it would just end up being more depressing. Seriously, I don't want to whore out my posts, I just felt I'd get a little more mileage out of a video game post.
My anime post destroyed it in pageviews, and both were posted during lulls (Friday afternoon). More than anything, I want some people to play TGL because of my article. So far, I only know that one person did/will.
I don't think it would have struck such a deep chord if it wasn't an article about my favorite NES game ever.
TEXAS GAL! TEXAS GAL EVERYBODY!
I'm proud of you for your effort with a culture alien from yours. I hope the beer was cold and plentiful.
Dammit I miss Bonfire.
I wasn't rubbing your nose in anything, I didn't realize we were doing this DeadOn thing for the page views. Like I said, we can unzip and measure if you like.
I read your NES post and I enjoyed it.
I guess I'll have to leave a comment next time so you don't cry yourself to sleep. Do you read any of my reality tv posts?
yeah, that's not helping.
@ : Too bitter? You might want to give something like a Muprhys Irish red or Fat Tire a try.
@ : and i thought i was the only person that watches jericho.
good show
@ : I was just looking through the page views and saw that I had 3 posts in a row that had a total of 2 views between them. 2! It also seems like the more time i put into an article the less people read it because gets so long
@ : That's the gist of it.
I didn't realize we were all taking DeadOn so seriously. I had not checked my posts' page views until tonight.
Also, you guys?
For reals, if people don't watching the Amazing Race and Survivor and American Idol because of my posts, I don't [hiccup] know what [sniffle] I'LL DO! I mean, [wracking sobs] I work so HARD!
@ : One of the coolest things about DeadOn is that we're all writing about things we're insanely passionate about.
It makes for a good atmosphere, especially for writing.
@ : Yostal's posts are far and away the most popular on DeadOn.
I do apologize if I've contributed to this in any way, as I just enjoy looking at blog stats and search strings.
"Giant boobs" and whatnot. And I love that both DeadOn and Ladies..
. are rocking the Wordpress world.
No, you're right, "boo hoo" wasn't rubbing my face in it at all.
That was a completely mature comment on your part and I just misinterpreted it.
The new @ thing really makes that sting. the shit is hitting the fan.
In all seriousness Andrea stop being a bitch and RMI stop being a pussy. if this garbage doesnt end soon, Will is going to institute a curfew and then nobody wins
"Can you feel the love tonight?"
My college housemates would sing that when we got into pointless arguments like the one here this evening.
I actually wanted to share something that someone said to me recently.
I'm in the middle of a future/graduate school crisis (that I'll get into only if a lot of people ask) and this professor of mine who I'd been talking to was saying all the things I could go with my English degree and my love of Kerouac outside of graduate school work and he suggested blogging as an option, and I thought "Well I'm already doing that..
."
But nevertheless, it reminded me of all the DeadOners, so there you go.
Basically our admin abandoned it.
Remember, Aggies hate all things liberal. It didn't help that y'all's is so traditionally successful either. Fuckers
NICE.
Nothin' like the Bird.
Wait ..
. Denim and Diamonds? Damn that's a blast from the past.
When did you go?
@ : It is sexism. Out and out sexism.
No one IMs the LidleFlightClass man.
@ : When do I get tilt?
@ I have fun with DeadOn and it gives me an excuse now to find every bad cover of every song ever and allow my rage to flow free.
Although if I could get everyone to watch Garth Marenghi's Darkplace my life would be forever better.
KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!!
!
I no longer care who started what, who said whatever, or any of that shit. Just move on.
If I didn't think you had something good to contribute I would not have gone through all the fucking effort.
Everyone nut up and get over it.
Nobody likes a cocky t-sip TG.
And by nobody I mean me.
That was '95 ..
. a year before I got there. Last SWC game.
At Kyle Field. And you fucknuggets beat us and charge the field.
I am now taking solace in the fact that we sent that punkass Colt McCoy out on a stretcher this year.
I'm nothing if not petty and immature when it comes to A M-tu.
RMI, I did not knock your writing abilities at all. I've read your posts.
The Anime ones I don't entirely understand, but that is only b/c anime doesn't interest me. It's just a personal preference. I like my cartoons to come with a Mystery Machine.
As far as the NES post goes, I enjoyed it. For real, I read it and I almost posted a comment about how I just bought an original NES system with a bunch of games, but I was in class at the time and I forgot to post my comment.
I have never mocked your writing abilities tonight.
I have repeatedly teased you b/c I think you are taking this too seriously. It really got out of hand. I think someone threw a trident at me.
I also got called a bitch and got an IM about this from someone who thinks my sarcasm is "out of control." I can only wonder if this has anything to do with me being a female..
...
who knows?
@ : awwww, Aggies are cute when they're riled up! I have to say, Horns like to bitch about how Aggies treat them at Kyle, but I actually was treated with nothing but respect- especially considering I was out at bonfire, too.
It was actually a fun weekend- obviously made more fun by the victory. It was really freakin' cold, too.
Also, isn't "cocky Texas fan" sort of redundant?
@ : Well I really want to get a Masters degree in English and hopefully become a prof. But because I'm not in the honors program (I'm kind of glad I'm not, it's so damn snobby but it gives you a huge advantage for grad school) the only way I'll be able to do a thesis length paper is on my own and not through the honors program, which is like a grad school track in the English department.
I'm trying to do one on Kerouac and I have possible advisors.
But it won't be done in time for applications in the winter, and for some schools I may not have a large enough writing sample.
And, as that same prof put it, a thesis about Kerouac (notoriously disliked amongst academics) may put off some grad schools as well.
This all in addition to hearing about how difficult the Literature Subject GRE test is.
..I'm extremely freaked out about all this stuff right now.
alright, I have to work in the gat-dang morning so let me say this before I go -
I like the posts of everyone on DeadOn so far. RMI I liked your Nintendo post a lot, and looked forward to it once I saw it in the drafts. Just because there are no comments doesn't mean it stunk.
We've all had poorly read articles. So what. I like Andrea's reality posts.
I admit to watching Idol so I look forward to hearing her thoughts, even though I tend to IM her mine as the show is on.
Sarcasam rarely comes across well in written form. So when we starting calling each other bitch, pussy, and every other insult that only put salt in the wounds.
Ultimately, this is not worth the trouble it has caused tonight now is it? Please just drop it now and move on before more things are said that shouldn't be said and we ending up losing good people on Deadspin and DeadOn too.
Would it in any way help the situation if I mentioned that I think you all suck as writers, and that you should all bow down and worship the god that is SML?
Because if it helps, I'm willing to do it...
And yes, that was all in jest. I actually love all of you, and think you are all very talented. I'm proud to be working with all of you.
Except for Suss.
I actually wish we could do more actual collabs with each other - I tried to get Yostal to work with me on one, but the man is too busy in school. Still I think we should break into little groups every once in a while and do something cool.
Please stop fighting, you've both made your points, now it is time to move on.
Sleep time. Good night, f*ckstains!
@ : OK, well one thing at a time. First, what happens if you just stay in school an extra year to have sufficient time to finish the thesis? Take it from someone who graduated early: stay in as long as you can.
It's way more fun.
Also, honors- Plan II? Or Plan I (that's what they called it when I was there- I did Plan I for one year, until Texas Angels and my sorority and partying became more important than, um, class).
That honors scene was not my scene, either- so I feel you on that.
On the topic, I would think that you really should go with something you're passionate about that you can translate into an interesting piece. If you're drawn to Kerouac, then in my uninformed opinion, I say do it.
If a program would turn you down because of Kerouac, then that might just say it wasn't the right place for you to begin with.
And wait and freak out about the test 2 weeks before like everyone else. Seriously, cross that bridge in its own time.
@ : Other people have suggested taking a year off and working on the thesis while also having a "real job," because the thesis isn't a requirement for graduation but something extra, but I don't really want to do that and I'd rather just go straight to the next step because I like being a student.
Plan II is a different thing from what I'm talking about (but it's there for sure). I'm talking about the English Department Honors program and it's so snobby most of the people act in a way that's really horrible.
You're almost better off as a person if you don't do it. That being said I would have done it to help get me into grad school but I couldn't because I wasn't here my frosh year (I transferred in). I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of a nerd/dork but the honors program is even too much for me.
I'm prone to freaking out about this kind of stuff, so my hysterical reaction isn't that much of a surprise, and things will get sorted out. Thanks for offering your advice though, I'm trying to collect as much advice as I can so I can make an informed desicion.
any true Up!
All Night! minion knows that Jebus is the sworn enemy of only myself.
I get to fuck him up first.
oh, and for real, I go sleep now.
Wahoo, you listed some pretty serious credentials. Now let me list mine.
1. Jew
That's it. If you touch my shoe in a way I don't appreciate, my team of elite lawyers will get you put in jail for life on a triple rape/homicide.
There will be loads of fabricated DNA evidence, false expert witness testimony, and the entire jury will be women who were stalked by Albert Belle.
I don't think you'll like those odds.
RMI, I appreciate that, thank you.
I apologize for calling you a buttfaced miscreant. You are not a miscreant and I am assuming you do not have a butt for a face. I don't know for sure and I apologize to all those butt-faced people out there who thought I was insulting them.
@ : Dave Coulier maybe be bottoms with you, but he'll always be #1 in my heart.
Okay, not really.
RMI was mad people dissed his writing.
I took a shot at his page views, and he said I was funny.
LA got mad because some people were calling her a b-word. I called her a b-word, and even though she didn't exactly call me funny, but she also didn't rip my fucking head off and shit down my throat.
I proclaim myself the winner of D:U!AN Royal Rumble 1.
Ok, folks, I've got a lot of work to get done tomorrow, so I'm going to need each and every one of you on your game to distract me from doing it.
Never go to bed angry. Let's shake off tonight and start fresh tomorrow, shall we?
I love each and every one of you funny motherfuckers.
G'night.
RMI, come to the pants party. That's how this whole mess started anyway.
We weren't insulting Cons, we were trying to get you to do both.
Pants Party! Pants Party!
Pants Party at lunch!
Pants Party! Pants Party!
Pants Party at lunch!
@ : Do it html-like: [a href="linkgoeshere"]text goes here[/a] Just replace the flat brackets with these < pointy things.
Also, I meant to +100 you earlier for the LOOK AT ALL THE CUTE ANIMALS line.
Noice.
And, in the true spirit of Deadspin: !
Only pussies take 15 credit hours.
Real men take 18 or 19 and barely pass them all.
Just kidding. *Ducks*
24 was pretty cool tonight, even if they did reuse a plot line from last season.
The PTI mention yesterday was pretty sweet, but how can Will be considered "underground" if he's being published in the New York Times?
The most embarrassing part of it is that the virus that causes it is essentially a form of herpes (similar to the one involved in canker sores). So when I see the TV commercials for the antiviral meds I was on, I think "that sounds familiar - have I been on that?
!?" and then realize the ad is targetted toward those with genital herpes .
.. ladies.
My wife (who I had just begun dating about 2-3 months earlier) nicknamed me "patches" for a while because I had to wear an eye patch. On a related note, I didn't leave the house much.
This was a couple years before Lance Schulters had Bell's Palsy.
Apparently Zach Randolph had it last fall.
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