Music Stars   Britney Spears  

Now that Britney Spears has had a baby, Peter Jackson has given birth to his giant gorilla and Six Feet Under's Nate Fisher––spoiler alert!––has hemorrhaged like it's nobody's business and died, it's hard to imagine what '06 could offer in the world of en

1. All male movie stars become eunuchs This way, we'll no longer have to be inundated with stories about this actress divorcing that dancer to hook up with this rock star, even though she's having a baby with this Nigerian male model
Ram Stone  |  by www.longislandpress.com. All rights reserved. 3.03 | 8:35


1. All male movie stars become eunuchs This way, we'll no longer have to be inundated with stories about this actress divorcing that dancer to hook up with this rock star, even though she's having a baby with this Nigerian male model. Perhaps it will even encourage more lesbian relationships in Hollywood, thereby boosting public acceptance of homosexuality.

Everyone wins. Except for Colin Farrell.

2.

TV drifts further away from reality Normally, we would call this Alzheimer's, but in the world of television, where the last quality scripted program was the quiz show 21, it would be a blessing. And since it seems to take movie stars to convince the networks to jump on an original pilot, this might finally be Jenna Jameson's chance to fully legitimize herself.

3.

Kelly Clarkson is the only artist allowed to sing on formulaic pop records Everyone from Pitchfork to this newspaper has conceded that the American Idol winner's voice is ferocious enough to turn boilerplate pop-rock like "Since U Been Gone" into chill-inducing perfection. So for all those who agonize over the banality of the Billboard charts, maybe this is the best middle ground: The labels can churn out their radio-ready fodder and make their dollars, but those with discerning ears can at least be spared the strained vocals of talentless teens like Lindsay Lohan and Ashlee Simpson.
4.

More foreign-born actors are elected to run large and complex states Is it safe to say the Governator experiment in California was more or less a failure? Probably. However, it was still a hilarious failure, an absurd mockery of our governmental system and a cutting commentary on our obsession with celebrity.

Now, maybe I wouldn't find it so funny if I lived in California, but here in NY, at least we have the good sense to entertain candidacies by respectable public figures like Howard Stern.
5. MTV stops airing promos for half-baked reality shows with faux-French voiceovers If I have to endure the obnoxious spots for Season 2 of Meet the Barkers one more time, or ads even remotely similar to them, I'm going to kidnap Travis Barker and remove each one of his tattoos with toxic acid until a network exec promises to be less aggressively irritating with their commercials.

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