Pete Doherty Running Out of Time to Die, Say Experts | brainsnap

Pete Doherty Running Out of Time to Die, Say Experts

by Comrade Che, Thu. 25 Jan 2007 OXFORD, England - Leading authorities on 19th century art movements, particularly the Decadents movement, held a press conference today to confirm that Pete Doherty is running out of time to die.
According to one scholar: "Based on Doherty's lifelong imitation of more talented artists, Pete Doherty has only until March 12 to be found dead at age 27 in a Paris hotel room.

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For many years Pete Doherty has been wandering about in public drunk, writing poetry in graveyards and worrying that he might give himself over to new excesses, says leading authority on Celebrity Pretension Studies, Professor Gravy at Oxford.
"Pete Doherty is simply not talented enough to be a good post-Decadent artist," says Gravy, explaining why an early exit is the most likely strategy for the drug-addled star.
Other artists who have concealed a lack of originality by imitating artists from the Decadent movement include Jim Morrison, who once said, "I am a Rimbaud with a leather jacket.

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Most of the Beat Poets at one time or another admitted to have learned how to be pretentious by studying the life of the famous 19th Century French poet.
Experts agree that would-be Rimbaud impersonators are easy to identify.
"They like to babble stupidly about the eruption of the strange!

or the intoxication of the forbidden!. They claim to be inspired by Edgar Allen Poe, Oscar Wilde and half-read English translations of Joris Karl Huysmans and Stéphane Mallarmé.

They also dabble in a bit of amateur Satanism, smoke clove cigarettes and refuse to wash their hair."
These measures, Prof. Gravy adds, aside from producing dreadful imitative poetry, absolutely guarantee spectacular success for anyone attempting to sleep with random Gothic chicks.

Celebrity Rimbaud impersonators, as they are called, generally have passion for evocation at the expense of enunciation, which Gravy describes as "saying things that sound kinda cool but turn out to be, on closer inspection, utter rubbish.
"Rimbaud impersonators pass off their failures to be coherent as deliberate, because it's so intelligent and profound that's everyone is incapable of understanding it. In fact whatever they say is meaningless shite designed to impress girls.

"Once again," he added, "this is a terribly effective technique for scoring with goth chicks."
Another myth perpetuated by would-be post-Decadents, experts claim, is that brain damage caused by drug abuse actually improves creativity. If they improve creativity, says Prof.

Gravy, "then why are modern post-Decadents still having to imitate the pose of artists who lost interest in the movement the the 1870s?"
Pete Doherty's publicist told Brainsnap the alleged singer-songwriter is current in Paris negotiating a plot in Pere Lachaise cemetery, and is unavailable for comment.