You know you're an A-grade celebrity if your latest wedding, romance or diet fad gets six pages of coverage in a local gossip mag. If it warrants just a single paragraph mention, sorry, you're just a C-list loser.
But things seem a little out of kilter in this week's mags.
Former TVNZ newsreader Judy 'Mumsy' Bailey's new autobiography gets five pages of coverage in Woman's Weekly, while Dancing with the Stars couple Shane Cortese and Nerida Lister's pregnancy news gets four in New Idea. They're the big guns, people. Bow down to their A-grade status.
So spare a thought for TV3 Nightline newsreader Carly Kirkwood. She expertly delivers the news to students and stoners five times a week, and is a supreme hottie to boot. Yet her wedding exclusive warrants a mere two pages in Woman's Day.
Two pages? That's the same amount of coverage given to the parents of NZ Idol judge Ian Stables in WD, and Celebrity Treasure Island contestant Scotty Rocker in NI. If you're looking for the definition of a C-lister, they're it.
Let's compare their stories. Carly's wedding to no-name cameraman Dave Flynn offers flowers, French champagne, a gorgeous tight-fitting Kate Dowman gown and - crucially - cleavage. Surely the cleavage alone warrants another two pages of photos.
Over to Ian Stables, whose parents are given two pages to talk about their wayward son. Snore. Or, also in two pages, you can read in NI about Scotty Rocker's Bible College days, his time working as a used car salesman and ponder his vast collection of black shirts and tattoos.
Surely it's a no-brainer. More Carly and less losers please guys. Back to the big guns, and NI scores this week's biggest scoop with Shane and Nerida's pregnancy announcement, and the sad news that the couple recently suffered a miscarriage.
They did well to keep that out of the media till now. And over at WW, Judy Bailey walks among some rocks and changes her outfit several times to promote her book My Own Words. Well, they're not all her own words.
Lawyers reportedly made several changes to bits covering Judy's TVNZ days - isn't that most of her life? - to avoid any legal issues.
After the supermodel was booed off stage during a duet with fiance Pete Doherty, Kate emerged from a bathroom with blood smeared over her hands and pants. To make matters worse, a crazed fan then grabbed her boobs. NI has wonderful pics of the entire debacle.
"I cheated on J.Lo with Kim," he says. "Jennifer did her thing too.
" Porter is currently pregnant with twins, or Diddy's kiddies.
Buzz off Courtney, you're too old. Lindsay had first dibs anyway. Finally, the quote of the week comes from Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, who raises questions about Paris Hilton's bedroom abilities after dating the socialite: "She was a drunken prude who .
.. did not really like sex.
She relied on drugs and drink to give her confidence. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out." Always classy, that Paris.
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