recaps idolicious

I hope we get some sweet pointy pose action tonight.
Ryan reads us a glittery, dazzling list of celebrities who will be appearing on Idol this season. Diana Ross, Jon Bon Jovi, Gwen Stefani (?

), J.Lo (??

?), Tony Bennett, Martina McBride, and Barry Gibb (!).

At least they did a better job of mixing the classics with the contemporaries this season.
Flashback to Tuesday and Wednesday. In short: most of the guys sucked, most of the girls rocked.

Melinda Doolittle, Leslie Hunt and Sabrina Sloan are lumped together as the Awesome Arethas; Gina Glocksen and Haley Scarnatoget painted as pale imitations of Celine (which they were). Antonella Barba, Amy Krebs and Alaina Alexander get the who the hell let these people into a singing contest? edit, while Lakisha Jones is again touted as the Savior of All Things Musical.

Meh.
The group song is Tears for Fears. A good song?

Where s my cheesiness? Where s my Love the One You re With? Where s my Take it Easy?

Boo! Pointy Poses are supposed to be pure Velveeta! This one showcases more boys than girls.

Phil Stacey sounds okay, Rudy Cardenas is still annoying. Sundance Head is a shadow of his former self. Blake Lewis, Brandon Rogers, Paul Kim, Chris Sligh and AJ Tablado are all rather interchangable vocally.

Jordin Sparks and Melinda both look hot and sound great. Sabrina is still shrieking at me. Lakisha sounds good, but still a little too one-note for my tastes.

So who s out? We start with the men. Nick Pedro is petrified.

Sligh, who quite obviously spent his downtime lurking on message boards and realizing that his Teletubbies jab at Simon was rather ill-timed, quickly backtracks and professes his love and respect for Mr. Il Divo. Well played, Sligh.

Well played. I m still totally underwhelmed by you, though. Anyway, the back row of men line up on the seal.

Brandon is safe. Scared-shitless Sundance is safe. Roy Head, lookin pretty spry (if not a bit shellacked) for a man his age, kisses his wife in celebration up in the red room.

Scabby Chris Richardson will need to request another week off from the Hooters, as he s safe. Nick is safe. Rave refugee Blake is safe, leaving poor Paul Kim all alone on the seal, and in lightning-quick fashion a la DAUGHTRY!

!!11 s shocking boot last year, Paul is toast.

Hmm. I didn t think he was awful but he wasn t good enough, that s for sure. In the red room, Paul s posse looks pissed.

His singout is pitchy, but he s utterly devastated, so I can t really rag on him for it. And he s still making those Faces of the Guy I Dated Two Summers Ago, and it s still weird. Buh-bye, Paul.

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader? actually looks like a pretty cool show.
Row of girls.

Jordin and her slight bot-ness but objective awesomeness are safe. Amazing Stephanie Edwards is safe, as is shrieky Sabrina, who sorry totally gives off the entitlement vibe. I ll hold out judgment for now, but yeah.

Smoky Leslie and fabulous Melinda are safe. The power of VFTW plus a thousand omg shes so pretty!!

!111 votes transferred from McPhee to Antonella keep her safe. Amy gets the boot.

Commerical break. I Google. Lakisha, Melinda, Leslie and Stephanie do not have fansites.

Alaina and Antonella do. That s so fucked up.
Fantasia rocks the house vocally, but her ill-fitting lavendar dress is just all kinds of unfortunate.

Randy does a little bow-down motion toward her, giving her the kind of love that Ruben and Taylor will never, ever see from this show. It s really obnxious, considering what a self-parody Randy s become over the past year. Fantasia announces that she ll be starring as Celie in The Color Purple on Broadway.

Dude. I saw Fantasia s Lifetime movie, and her acting was just baaaaad. I hope she s improved.

More girls on the seal. Boring Haley is boringly safe. Lakisha is obviously safe, and I do want her to make the Top 12, if only to see what Dean Banowetz does with her hair.

Gina, who looks really pretty tonight, is safe, and it s down to Nicole Tranquillo and Alaina. It s Alaina, right? If there s any justice in this world?

Well, there s no justice, and Nicole is out. Okay, I didn t like Nicole something about her rubbed me the wrong way but she was miles ahead of Alaina. Oh well.

She sings out, and it s okay, but she looks so misplaced, like a college student in search of her 8 AM class accidentally wandered onto the soundstage. Look, Nicole, either look like you re making an effort or go the anti-fashion route, but either way, at least look like you care (or care enough not to care).
Room for one more on the chopping block.

Sligh lives to scheme another day. Phil and his crooked cap are safe. Aww, his wife is so adorable!

Jared, AJ, boring but safe, leaving twee little Sanjaya Malakar and Rudy on the seal. Naturally, Rudy is gone. Ryan asks Simon what he has to say, and Simon says you can t turn an okay singer into a great singer.

If he s merely okay, why d you put him through to the Top 24, Simon?
Bad Day montage featuring DAUGHTRY!!

!11 s Home. (Gah!

) Ryan implores us to stay tuned for the series finale of The OC, which I most certainly will not. Rudy sings, and Quincy Jones refuses to clap along. And sadly, I ve forgotten these four folks already.

The typos should be mostly fixed now. Blogging late at night can be hazardous to your grammar.
I watched this on DVR, which means I fast-forwarded through all (well, most) of the crap.

So let s start off right away with Stephanie Edwards. You know what? I like this girl.

I don t like her enough to vote for her, but I like her nonetheless. She s got interesting tone, even if she speak-sang her way through the performance in places (too many places), and I could have done without the Katharine McPhee/Kellie Pickler Memorial Stage Hump, but eh, whatev.
Amy Krebs is up next with a little Bonnie Raitt.

She s flat, boring, and nasal, and her twang is affected. She s also got a strange deer in the headlights quality to her. Simon tells her that she has the personality of a candle and that nothing about her is memorable, from her (limp) hair to her (shapeless) dress.

My girl Leslie Hunt is going to get a fucking raw deal. No, Natural Woman was not the best choice for her, but gee, I don t recall anyone complaining when McPhee pageant-pranced her way through a Disney-fied version of Think last year. Consistency, people, consistency!

Anyway, yes, I do think Leslie s voice got a bit lost in the song, but God does she have the most gorgeous voice. Low, smokey, with a beautiful caramel-maple tone. In a contest full of boring Celine wannabes and loud-is-the-new-good belters, Leslie stands out (and I adore her quirky fashion sense nothing wrong with hooker boots if you pair them with a demure little dress and keep your legs closed!

) as unique. The judges unfairly read her the riot act, and I ll be pissed off if she goes. I m power-voting for her tonight.

Sabrina Sloan. Okay, she also comes out with a little Aretha, and it s pretty good. I mean, I m not feeling her 100%, maybe because I m getting a slightly entitled vibe from her, and that s never good this early on in the competition.

The judges love her, calling her the one to beat. Maybe.
VFTW pick Antonella Barba and her dumb bitchy friend clutter up my television screen with unnecessary flashbacks.

Antonella is tackling Aerosmith s Don t Wanna Miss a Thing, and while I don t think it was quite as bad as some made it out to be, it wasn t good, either. Also? Girlfriend is wearing way too much makeup for the semifinals.

Simon thinks she s seriously damaged her chances at moving on, but with VFTW at the helm, I see her sticking around another week.
Jordin Sparks sings that Gimme just one good reason song by Tracey Chapman, and it s yeah, it s good, but it s bot-like, as most teenagers on this show are wont to be. The judges tell her she s too restrained, and I have to agree.

She s followed by poor unpimped Nicole Tranquillo, who sings Stay in what by all means should be an excellent performance, but for some strange reason really isn t, probably due to the extreme disconnect between the girl in the pre-song clip who wore flannel-print button downs and the rawker girl who takes the microphone onstage. I m also not very convinced that she s hitting all those high notes. At the very least, she s too strident.

Paula really likes her, but the rest of the judges are less than impressed.
Boring Haley Scarnato sings boring Celine Dion. Boringly.

Oh, and what s with this girl s wardrobe? Does she have an entire closetful of just-barely-tasteful black jumpers? Ugh.

She s pulling out Celine s It s All Coming Back to Me Now, and here you have this song that s supposed to be powerful and moving and mindblowing (and I am not a Celine Dion fan by any stretch of the imagination) and Haley is singing in this weird, trilly voice that s perfect for voicing a Disney cartoon, but not so good for the stage. Randy calls it just okay, and Simon says that everything about Haley is old.
Am I completely batshit crazy for thinking that Melinda Doolittle bears a striking resemblance to ?

Seriously, when that girl and her face come on the screen, I start shouting things like send in the CLONE! and lies, all LIES! But it s all good, because Melinda can sing, and she delivers a hell of a performance.

She s a belter, to be sure, but she s got a raw, unadorned quality to her voice that I really, really love. The perma-smile is going to have to go, though. It ll wear thin soon.

Still, I think she s the best one of the night.
Trailing Melinda (in oh so many ways) is Alaina Alexander or, as I like to refer to her, Simon s favorite punching bag. This is the contestant you just know he put through so he could be guaranteed to have someone to beat up come the semifinals.

She sings (well that s such a relative word, really) Brass in Pocket, punctuating the words with more obnoxious, affected gasping-for-air breathiness. Dude, it s American Idol, not Have an Orgasm Onstage Idol. The judges rip her a new one, and rightly so.

She so better be gone tomorrow night.
Gina Glocksen is a good singer, there s no denying that, but meh, somehow. And her entire image is so incongruous.

Here you have this girl who struts around with this raw, arrogant, rocker-chick image, and she s constantly busting out with the Celine. She s sticking around, but I m just not thrilled with her.
Last of the night is Lakisha Jones.

Damn, does this girl have some brass ones to tackle And I am Telling You. And I am telling you that despite what the judges said, this wasn t anywhere near Jennifer Hudson s performance. The girl can t coast on being loud forever eventually she s going to have to try something with more nuance, and I m not sure how she ll fare when the time comes.

Best of the night: Melinda Doolittle.
Worst of the night: Alaina Alexander, followed by Antonella Barba.
Most hated contestant: I really can t work up a good hate for any of them, although Sabrina rubs me the wrong way.

Most favorite contestant: Despite a slightly underwhelming debut, I m still firmly on the Leslie Hunt train.
So the guys make their grand entrance, and they re all kind of obnoxious this year.
Umm why is Paula blonde?

Pimping of Contestants Past. Daughtry with a number #1 album, McPhee with a #2 album (uhmm, actually, she s #29 and didn t Taylor have a #2 album? Why yes, yes he did.

)
Feh. Idol politics as usual. Let s get right down to the nitty-gritty.

Rudy Cardenas (28) says it doesn t matter whether or not he has Simon on his side. Hahahaha oh, you simple, naive boy. Rudy s got some moves, that s for sure.

He sings Free Ride and I just don t think he s hitting those notes. Ick. I m sorry, I don t like his voice at all.

A personal preference kind of thing. He s also sliding into the chorus (when he s reaching the notes at all, that is). You can also smell the fear on him.

Randy says he got the party started, but that it was really corny. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon says that he s never heard anything unique from Rudy, and that his voice isn t distinctive.

(And yeah it isn t.)
Up on that comfy couch, Chris Sligh says that the buzz is about all the boys lookin pretty. Creepy, shifty-eyed Hooters manager (I m sorry, I ll never be able to see him as anything else) Chris Richardson claims that he doesn t have a nervous bone in his body.

And performing next is Brandon Rogers (29). Interesting that they re not announcing the names of the songs this year (or at least this episode). Brandon has a very nice voice, and he s singing that I wanna rock with you all night disco song.

And we can feel the boogie This is a really weird song choice, just as karaoke as Rudy s, and while Brandon s doing a servicable job, I don t think this is quite the right song choice for his voice, which is very reminiscent of John Legend. Randy says it wasn t his best, and was a little pitchy, and to lay off the runs. Paula thought it was great, but kind of sides with Randy.

Simon calls it safe and predictable, which yeah, it was. Time to shine, kids. Brandon tells Ryan that he knew he d be nervous and wanted to pick a song he was comfortable with the first time out.

For him, the risk will probably pay off, because I don t think he s in a lot of danger right now.
It s the moment of truth, says Ryan, for Sundance Head (28). Oh hell yes it is.

Sundance reminisces about his terribly embarrassing Hollywood round, but hopes to put all his failures behind him tonight. He s covered up the chest hair tonight, which is nice. He s singing Nights in White Satin, which does not count as a blues song just because The Moody Blues happened to sing it once, and he sounds strangely rock-operatic and echo-y and Il Divo-ish, with odd enunciation and such.

It s pitchy, and it s weirdly dramatic, and I m completely not feeling it AT. ALL. Randy calls the pitchiness as not quite hitting the tone ever, Paula faults the song choice, and Simon marvels at Sundance s downward tumble.

Sundance looks like he s going to cry. I don t like you tonight, pans Simon flatly. Sundance looks like he just wants to get the hell out of there.

And a quick check of the iTunes reveals that Il Divo did, at one time, cover Nights in White Satin. Baaaaad move, Sundance.
A famous alum will perform tomorrow night and break some very exciting news.

Oh yeah? Which alum is that? Maybe Bo Bice will sing a song and talk about how he s getting far, far away from Clive, and will encourage the other contestants to do the same.

I d like to see that. Anyway, Paul Kim (28) is still with the bare feet and shit, and makes this expression that renders him the Asian doppelganger of this guy I dated. He sings a song that I recognize but don t know the name of (it s George Michael, I think) and I think he s just really terrible.

The song s too low for him, he s plugging his ear to get the pitch, and wow. This is just bad. Randy tries to salvage him with the whole you ve got potential thing.

Paula told him he oversang it, but she hopes that people get past it. Simon tells Paul to ditch the gimmick. Paul makes a weird expression.

Ryan takes off his shoes. This show is jumping the shark. What s with all the 70s and 80s song tonight?

Creepy Chris Richardson (22) claims to work in the restaurant business. HE FUCKING MANAGES A HOOTERS, PEOPLE! And he s worked there for FOUR YEARS!

And he s also got this weird white-boyee vibe about him, and you just know he still text messages his boyees about the hot laydeees at the Hooters. Dude wash your face. It looks dirty.

He s singing I Don t Wanna Be in this incredibly nasal Justin Timberlake-ripoff voice, and he s apparently having an epileptic seizure while he does it. Randy just eats that shit up well, at least by saying that he made it kind of work. But Randy also misidentifies the song as an Edwin McCain piece, and has to get schooled by Randy.

Hee! Paula loves it. Simon?

Not that impressed says that Chris s voice sounded very small and that it was a bad vocal. But he likes Chris, the girls are gonna vote for him, he s a good looking guy (jigga who in the what now?), he ll be fine.

I guess the pimping s on.
Bahston Nick Pedro (25) made it to Hollywood last yee-ah, but quit when he couldn t remember his lyrics. Tara at MJ s says he looks like Drew Lachey, and yeah, he does.

He s singing some boring breathy ballad. What s with the song choices tonight? He hits the falsetto notes nicely, if a bit yelpy, at least.

It s sad when we re willing to hand out the gold stars just for staying on the fucking pitch, isn t it? Anyway, blah blah, he ll forever be your man, yawn, snooze. Randy says it was boring.

Paula says the magic fell flat. Simon didn t think it was that bad, although he thinks that Nick has lost his spark a little bit. He gets the you ll-sail-through stamp of approval from Simon.

Vote for Pedro is dropped, as you knew it would be eventually.
Ryan asks us if our next Idol be a girl. After hearing this group, God willing it will be.

Blake Lewis (25) talks about how he doesn t want to be pigeonholed as a beatboxer, then says you haven t seen the last of the beatboxing. Argh. He sings a Keane song, and his hair looks less obnoxious tonight maybe because he s actually dressed decently.

I have to say, he has a pretty good voice, but it s totally blah to me. He s somehow the lead singer of Snow Patrol and Fall Out Boy and all those other stupid emo bands at the same time. Randy kinda dug it, Paula enjoyed the contemporary vibe, and Simon says that while it s not the best vocal he s ever heard in his life, Blake was the first person to come out and sound contemporary.

Well I ll give him that. Begrudgingly the best performance of the night, even if it doesn t tickle my personal musica pickle.
Ryan asks whether Sanjaya Malakar (17) could be the next Taylor Hicks.

Holy shit, did they actually mention Taylor s name? They did, but not, of course, the fact that he has a CD that you can PURCHASE in a STORE. Why did he get a GED?

Actually, wait, never mind that question. And yes, I thought Shyamali was better, too. But that s me.

Anyway, he sings Knocks Me Off My Feet this is the first time I ve noticed that Sanjaya really does have a lovely tone to his voice. This is definitely the best I ve ever heard him sound, even if it s nothing phenomenal and possibly the teensiest bit plodding. And yet, Randy hated it.

Paula was meh, and Simon calls it boring and dreary. Sanjaya makes a weird, scrunchy face, but I don t think he s going to get the boot. Sanjaya is all uhh, I appreciate his honesty?

but says that he knows he can do beter.
Chris Sligh (28) is one funny bastard, but I m still not sold on his talent yet. Then again, after hearing what Idol claims is the best of the best so far it won t take much to win my love.

He says his strengths are strategy and song choice, and he s singing a song that no one at MJ s knew the name of (oh, it s Typical by Mute Math), and he s good, but I still don t love his voice. Randy and Paula like it; Simon felt like he was at a weird student gig. Gay banter between Simon and Ryan.

Sligh says that he s singing very popular music and that just because he doesn t sing Il Divo and Teletubbies doesn t mean he shouldn t have a shot at this. Simon tells him that he could always do the latter and that he didn t think it was an incredible vocal performance. Okay, Here s the thing with Chris s Il Divo/Teletubbies crack.

It s been a long time coming with Simon, and somewhere on a tour bus, Taylor Hicks is giving Sligh a thousand WOO!s and all that, but I m not sure that this was the time to deploy that particular bomb. It came off as Chris just being bitter about the entire Idol game, which yeah, we re all bitter about the Idol game, but when you re a contestant on the show and you re just getting your big break via the national exposure, you have to be very, very careful how you toe the line.

And I m a wee bit concerned that Chris stepped a bit over that line tonight. Anyway. I still think this guy is more gimmick than talent, but he was far above the pack tonight.

Jared Cotter (25) sang a Stevie song at his heretofore unseen/unheard audition, and he s singing boring Brian McKnight ( One ), and not particularly exceptionally, either. He s wavering on most of the high notes, though he navigates the falsetto passably. Randy thought it was a ight, but didn t like the ending, to which Jared shoots back that he would have liked to have done something different, but he only had a minute thirty.

True that, boy. Paula feels like it wasn t original. Simon says it was unadventurous, and a bit nasal, and that he should take a few more risks in his singing.

I think it was good enough to get through, but the judges were pretty much on the money here.
Fifth-timer A.J.

Tabaldo (22) hopes that this time is the charm for him. He s got the cheesy song, the cheesy smile, the cheesy bouncing dance why the hell is this show feeling like karaoke time at the roller rink tonight? I guess the guy s all right, but meh.

Cut to the judges table Paula is dancing her little Paula dance, while Simon (still steaming from the Teletubbies remark, I ll wager) looks dumbfounded. Randy says it was pretty good vocally, Paula loved it, and Simon repeats his on-point good, nothing great, nothing terrible mantra.
Phil Stacey somehow manages to always looks so much better in photographs than he does live.

Ahh, well, not his fault. It starts off bad, but gets better (and yes, it s Could Not Ask for More ). He rocks the mic in a little DAUGHTRY!

!111-like maneuver, and he kind of misses a high note, but I m tempted to call him the best of the night. Randy agrees with me.

Paula loves it. Simon doesn t think it was necessarily the best of the night, compared to past singers like Daughtry who nailed songs like that. Uhh Daughtry sang Edwin McCain?

Anywhoo. Britney joke. Phil agrees with Simon and says he has a lot of work to do.

Recaps, phone numbers, send-out.
Best of the night: Phil Stacey.
Worst of the night: Rudy Cardenas.

Most hated contestant so far: Chris Richardson.
I miss Taylor.
Yaaaaay!

The chair. Who goes? Who stays?

Who showboats their way down the Green Mile?
Roll credits. Is Taylor still there, or has he quietly been edged out by DAUGHTRY!

!111? Nope, looks like he s still there.

But it s only a matter of time.
We ll do it the short way.
Your Top 24: Sanjaya Malakar, who sashays down the hallway.

Obviously the kid has talent, but I wasn t blown away by his final performance, and I think they re putting him through as pure canon fodder. I hope I m wrong about that, because he seems really sweet. Fabulous Melinda Doolittle, although her final performance displays a potential problem with nervous, goat-y vibrato.

Her new shag haircut is adorable, though. Snoozy Brandon Rogers. Gina Glocksen, despite the fact that she never seemed to rise above her back-up singers during her final performance.

Haley Scarnato, another travesty, since her final performance is woefully off-pitch. Phil Stacey, who despite not impressing me during his audition, impresses the hell out of me now. Chris Sligh, who is still just a gimmicky personality for me right now.

Taylor managed to rise above his shtick with his gorgeous vocals; I m not so sure Sligh can do the same. Stupid fucking Blake Lewis, who still looks like an Ecstasy addict. Potential Lisa Tucker 2.

0 Jordin Sparks. Paul Kim, whose stupid claim to fame is that he shall be barefoot from here on out. They really are scraping the bottom of the barrell for gimmicks this year, aren t they?

Anyway. Blue-eyeshadowed Stephanie Edwards. Quirky Leslie Hunt and her , and her awesome strawberry-blonde highlights.

She could be an early favorite. Nick Pedro. Alaina God forbid I go to COLLEGE and get a JOB Alexander, in another tragedy, namely because her final performance was gaspier than a fish flopping on the countertop.

Chris You mean I m NOT Justin Timberlake? Richardson. Belter Lakeesha Jones displays more subtlety and nuance this time around.

She could win me over yet, although she definitely needs to go bra-shopping. Nicole Tranquillo, who has a nice, if a little nondescript. Jared Cotter.

Amy Krebs, who I kind of like, despite her blindingly white teeth.
Future Trivial Pursuit questions: Tall Anna Kearns, who debuts a strange, puffy little pompadour. Poker-faced Bernard Williams.

Eric Justin Davis, who apparently had the backstory to end all backstories (having spent five years in prison before becoming a Christian youth pastor). Tami Gosnell, in the first of many terrible injustices of the night. Jimmy Little Ruben McNeal and Errick Johnson.

Gorgeous, ridiculously talented, Harvard-educated Thomas Lowe, in another injustice. Someone named Olivia Quibert-Hurst. Cute Tatianna McConnico.

Monique Vieras. Jerome Chism. Joelle James, done in either by her unheard vocals or her strange Dolly Parton-meets-Rose Marie hairdo.

Exotic-looking Princess Johnson. BUCKSTEIN!.

SHOWDOWN!: For the girls, it comes down to Marisa Love me for my voice, not my body Rhodes (her provocative photos have since been taken down) and Antonella Barba. They fake-wish each other good luck in the elevator, which is fucking hysterical.

Marisa has the far superior voice, but inexplicably, Antonella makes the Top 24. Marisa kind of freaks out about it. For the boys, Tommy Daniels and his over-gelled fro take on Sundance Head Easy call, right?

You d think so, since Sundance didn t do well in the first two rounds of Hollywood. But we don t really know, since none of Tommy s mad Hollywood skillz were never displayed. Then again, neither was Sundance s final performance, which could have been either a masterpiece or an epic tragedy.

Anyway, Sundance is through, leaving Tommy all the more available to flick off the cameras and to make his future court dates.
So who are my picks so far? I haven t given up on Sundance yet, although I m not particularly loyal to him if he s not up to par.

Same goes for Leslie Hunt. I could also see myself warming up to Lakeesha and Melinda. But we shall see
Why is it that after every viewing of American Idol, I immediately get a craving for peanut butter?

Is it because of that banana guy? Eh.
Hollywood, bitches!

I have to start off with this. What the hell did Taylor Hicks do to piss off the producers of this show so much? (Besides actually winning, I mean.

) Katharine s crotch shot of an album cover is all up in my face at the top of the Family Viewing Hour, DAUGHTRY!!1111!

gets like eight hundred years of pimping as the Savior of Music, and Taylor? Just some crazy gray-haired dude who happened to wander onstage during the finale last year and get caught up in some confetti, I guess. Oh well.

At least Taylor can probably count on the Soul Patrol to carry him through a long and solid (if not particularly glittery) musical career, instead of coasting solely on media hype, only to flame out spectacularly.
Round one. The girls start us off.

Jory Steinberg somehow managed to both pack and wear the exact same outfit as Paula Abdul, which is creepy. Oh, and her singing isn t really all that great it s affected, and there s just no uniqueness to her voice at all. She gets cut, and sashays down the hallway, all I thought it was good.

Well, I thought it sucked, as did the judges. Also? Girlfriend s got one long face.

Stupid obnoxious Perla cootchie-cootchies her way through Hips Don t Lie, which is apparently the only song she knows. (Cute skirt, though.) Simon puts her through, but tells her that she s more personality than talent at this point.

She s understandably upset about this, and whines that she can t stop being herself. No one asked her to stop being herself, but she needs to have the pipes to back it up. And she just doesn t.

Baylie Brown (whose website has been taken down, but if you Google her name, you ll see the cached remnants that describe the supposed desperate-to-get-off-the-farm girl as a seasoned professional ) speak-sings her way through a song, and gets through on her blonde hair, I guess. Also going through: Gina Glocksen, Jamie Lynn Kellie Pickler Who? Ward, and Melinda Doolittle.

Not so lucky: Army gal Rachel Jenkins, who gets cut after a lackluster performance; Ashlynn Pour Some Sugar on Me Carr, whose bitchface upon getting cut is priceless; rough-and-tumble Porcelana Patino, and daddy-doesn t-love-me Sarah Burgess.
The men. Second-timer Bryan Miller sticks to his audition song, and it s much nicer this time.

Reagan Idol Jarrod Fowler sings Josh Groban boringly, and gets cut. Matt Sato and his beautiful eyebrows boyband their way through to the next round, as does Chris Sligh, who doesn t get a whole lot of pimping this episode. Methinks TPTB have caught wind of the Soul Patrol-like gravy train that is the Sligh Phenomenon, and are going to do their damndest to stall his advancement at every turn (or at least they ll step in once the possibility of his win starts to outweigh his entertainment value, because you know the last thing they want is another Taylor.

) Also making the first cut: Brandon Rogers, Nick Pedro, Sean Michel, Phil Stacey, and stupid beatboxing Blake Lewis, who eventually WILL have to sing a song during this competition, unless the judges decided to allow him to beatbox his way through Diane Warren night. Sundance Head sings way too high up in his range, and displays none of the bluesiness or grit that made him my early favorite. He gets through on Paula s generosity, apparently.

Round two. Group-hunting proves difficult for Matt Sato. Matthew BUCKSTEIN!

joins a harmony-less trio, while for-now pimpees Chris Sligh, Rudy Cardenas, Tom Lowe and Blake Lewis , who still looks like he should be popping E at a rave, immediately hook up and later deliver a kick-ass performance (made all the more kickass, admittedly, by the beatboxing, although I still want to see him get off the crutch).
Perla can t harmonize (and looks and dances like she s being Tasered), and she s out. Baylie totally blanks out on her words, and she s gone.

And God doesn t like her, according to Amanda Coluccio. Sundance Head doesn t do so hot, but lives to see another day. It also seems as though Sean Fidel bin Jesus Michel didn t make it.

Final cut. Through to Hollywood are Melinda, Blake, Sligh, Gina, Tom, BUCKSTEIN!, and Sundance, as well as Sanjaya Malakar, Marisa Rhodes, Haley Scarnato, Leslie Hunt, Tommy Daniels, Jordin Sparks, Tami Gosnell, Anna Kearns and Paul Kim.

Not making it are Shyamali Malakar (who, sobbing, is consoled by her equally devastated brother), Jamie Lynn, and Bryan Miller.
Oh, thank God. It s over.

Some vaguely Napoleon Dynamite-ish music plays through the intro, we segue to the credits (hee, Taylor Spaz and to be honest, they didn t exactly find the most flattering footage of Carrie Underwood, either), THIS is American Idol.
So who s the best? Tami Gosnell looks (and kinda walks) like Edwin McCain, and her lip ring is all kinds of unfortunate, but her tough, gritty version of Whipping Post is tinged with enough unexpected sweetness as to make her one of the best singers I ve seen come through these auditions.

She s passed through to Hollywood. There is a mysterious Amy who makes the Top 24; speculation is now that this could actually be Tami. Hmm (ETA: It s not her.

She doesn t even survive the first cut.)
Paul Kim (Top 24! Top 24!

) is motivated by William Hung; that is, that he feels Hung has done a disservice to Asians by stereotyping them all as terrible singers. Well, yes and no, at the same time. I m not quite sure where I come out on these motivations.

Anyway, Paul is a poolboy (Does he wear a thong? Does he have a boyfriend named Chuck? Do you get these references or do you think I m just insane?

) Anway, he sings well, far better than you d think from listening to his MySpace, anyway, and he goes through.
Heather Rennie, Ashley Cleland, and Ebony (I missed her last name, but I couldn t swear she actually had one) are roller-skating waitresses who enter together but audition separately. Heather, who resembles a prettier Melissa McGhee, turns in some boring Rascal Flatts.

Ashley gives us Angel, and it s better than Heather. She s promptly told by Paula that sometimes, when it comes to make up, less is definitely more. (And Paula s absolutely right; Ashley is a natural beauty, like a Jenny McCarthy without the hard egde, and there s really no need for her to slather it on.

) Ebony does justice to Whitney Houston, and looks rather uncomfortable when Simon tells her that she s in a league of her own, compared to the other two. I m not feeling any uniqueness from her, though. Ebony and Ashley get the golden ticket, while Heather goes back to trying not to spill milkshakes and baskets of French fries.

Lakeesha Jones, rumored Top 24 contender, is well, she s loud. Not a lot of nuance to her voice, but the judges must have liked her for something.
The rest: Christa Fazzino, dressed like Jackie O meets Pirates of the Caribbean and singing just as badly Edward Sanchez, knowing full well he can t carry a tune, but wanting to get his chance with Paula anyway William Wes Samaland wearing a marigold-yellow satin shirt that makes him doughy and girlish (and does the singing really even matter after that?

) Alexander Nazario falshittoing his way through some song I don t recognize.
And with that, we conclude with a montage of season six auditioners. Like a little trip down memory lane.

Because yes, the auditions have been going on that long.
Oh, thank GOD. We re done.

Well okay, I know tomorrow is that Rest of the Best (and, apparently, the Worst of the Worst) special. But I ll probably only take note of people who have made it to the Top 24.
We ll start off with Haley Scarnato, who s been singing 4eva, and who decided to wear a backless one-piece jumpsuit that she bought at a hoochie store.

Simon is show reacting to her salaciously, but it s done in such a way that it could completely be creative editing. Anyway, she sings, and she s good, and her voice is pretty, but it s also nondistinct and boring as shit. Simon and Ryan call her out on not being unique enough, but she s passed through anyway, and word is that she s made the Top 24.

I say she s gone faster than you can say Heather Cox.
Jasmine Holland sports a rather painful-looking camel toe and sings a song in a strange gurgling voice. When she s denied, her purported shyness transforms into mouthiness.

Shocking, isn t it? No, not really. Outside, her family disses the judges to Ryan, who responds you know, those are my friends.

Well two of them. Oh snap, Ryan!
Adorable little Baylie Brown hails from the tiny town of Krum, Texas.

She lives on a farm or a ranch or something, but the theme here is that unlike Kellie Pickler, who ran with the bumpkin shtick, Baylie is a big-city girl stuck in a small town. What evidence is presented to support Baylie s contentions? Why she likes to wear high heels!

In the barn! Man, they are scratching the bottom of the barrel for backstories these days. Anyway, she s aight, but she doesn t really sound like she s singing more than she s speaking rhythmically.

Also, her twang is very forced and affected. Simon tells her that her voice isn t the best, but that she s a marketer s dream because she s commercial with a capital C. And she goes through.

They re not even trying to pretend this is a talent show anymore, are they?
The OTHER DOOR comes back, and yeah, it s so obviously set-up, but it s funny.
The cousins Akron Watson and The Hulk kind of crack me up, even if they really seriously need to get jobs.

The Hulk (who I suspect was there supporting his cousin) sings a snooze-inducing version of Amazing Grace. He takes his rejection just fine, but gets a bit of the devil in him when he hits the door, and tells the judges that he ll have to flip out at them for the cameras. So when he opens the door, he starts screaming at them wildly.

The three of them crack up, but Akron, who apparently thinks this is all real, looks scared shitless. The funny thing is that he can actually kind of sing. His A Change is Gonna Come is nowhere near Taylor s, and after the judges tell him that he s boring, he launches Let s Get it On and sings it rather flatly.

Nevertheless, he s passed through, to the delight of his cool cousin, who still needs to get a job. (It also looks like Akron was for legal reasons.)
Sandie Chavez says she s bluesy and soulful and has sung for the mayor of Houston, but her Black Velvet is gurgly and unintelligible.

The judges snicker throughout her entire performance, and when they launch into their actual critique, she bursts into tears. Yes, she was awful, but it goes on for a lot longer than it needs to.
Petite Ashylnn Carr is gorgeous and sings Feeling Good beautifully, with a very old-school scratchy soul quality to her voice.

I just love singers like this. Yes, she is a bit Broadway with her facial expressions, but since when did facial expressions matter in this competition? Taylor Hicks, for all I love him, looked like he was taking a dump half the time, and he still won.

The judges tell her that she s lovely and unique, but Randy and Paula pass on her. As she walks out, Simon says he would have said yes. The judges pow-wow and then decide to bring Ashley back for a second try.

She sings Unforgettable, and tones down the expressions, but they re still pretty pronounced. Simon, while fondling his man boobs, tells Ashlyn that she needs to break her bad habits, suggests getting a good vocal coach, and sends her through. (Unfortunately for Ashlyn, she was arrested after her audition for in her ex-boyfriend s gas tank.

That s a felony, so I doubt she ll be going any further in the competition.) Maybe Idol will do a little montage of news clips about it, and show her leaving a la Derrell and Terrell to the tune of Pour Some Sugar on Me. Because if I ve thought of it, the producers have thought of it.

Jake the Snake looks like the love child of Kevin Federline and the Bush Baby. But he sings like well, just some guy singing. Not spectacularly badly, but certainly not well.

To bring up the rear, though, Jimmy McNeal gives us a nice, if unremarkable, rendition of Cupid, and sails through, with Simon calling him a fun little Ruben. Wow, I can t beleive they actually mentioned Ruben on this show.
There are several hilarious websites available for American Idol recaps.

, of course, delivers snark in a straightforward, unadorned manner, whereas balances Idol-recapping duties between the easy humor of recapper Joe R (who has vastly improved since he first signed on) and the too cool for school and definitely cooler than you style of Jacob. (Jacob s an awesome recapper, don t get me wrong, and I appreciate the fact that he doesn t patronize his readers and isn t afraid of purposefully pulling out the most obscure word in the thesaurus, but at the same time, he does have a bit of an intellectually-superior air about him. Whatever, though, because I love him.

)
But maybe the best recapper of them all is Dave White. Not only is he laugh-out-loud funny, but he recaps his own experiences with the show as much as he recaps the show itself, and therefore actually makes you care about what he writes. I mean, his epic battle between Hating Taylor and Accepting Taylor was worthy of any telenovela.

In fact, why don t you go over right now and I mean, since you re reading my page, you re obviously not doing anything really important anyway, right? And while you re at it, have an excerpt:
She s 17, and when Simon says, “Tell us something interesting about you,” she launches into a story about her paralyzed father who “shot hisself.” The full explanation: “His wife was cheatin on him, which was my stepmama n he caught her in th act and it wuzn t the first time so he shot her and he shot hisself and now I live with my gramma to help take care a him.

It s OK.” My favorite part of this horrifying story is that she grins after she finishes telling it. Somewhere in a fancy five-star hotel on a promotional tour for her new CD, Kelli Pickler is dining on calamari being spoon-fed to her by a personal assistant and she s muttering slyly, “Well-played, Elly May, well-played.

Ooooh, L.A. Proved too much for most of the contestants this evening.

We open with a soft-focus-lighting shot of Katharine McPhee, last season s California contestant, arching her back dramatically, singing her omnipresent Over the Rainbow while splayed out on the floor. (Oh, wait, I forgot. Katharine Well, except for .

)
The kids are joined by Olivia Newton-John today. Oh, Sandy!
We start off with fiery, panther-imitiating Martik Manoukian, who wants to be well, a famewhore, basically.

After partially de-robing, panther-crawling up to the judges table, and doing a dance that makes Taylor Hicks look like Mikhail Baryshnikov, he proceeds to shriek and growl his way through a song. Aaaaaand it s a no. Ah well.

Onto acting. Or choreography. Or songwriting.

Or more prowling.
Sholandric Shallworth admires Julio Iglesias for his romantic take on love songs. (I didn t know there was another kind of take.

My bad.) Unfortunately, the closest Sholandric s version of If Ever You re In My Arms Again comes to is romance is imitating some kind of primal mating call. He s out.

The peanut butter jelly time! guy ROCKED.
Marianna Riccio is this year s McPhee; meaning, she s living her mother s dream.

Well, except that her mother has already apparently had a decent career, as one of Dean Martin s backup singers. Marianna, dressed in some faux-rocker-grrrrl garb that looks like it was fished out of Ryan Starr s trash can. She s terrible, and when she gets rejected, she gets down on her knees and begs, but it doesn t work.

Too bad, so sad.
Next up is Alaina Alexander, a self-described struggling L.A.

performer. She s sweet, with quirky Marisa Tomei-like beauty. She also know that this is her last shot it s either this, or the horror, the terror, of college.

Nevertheless, I like her personality. Her singing, unfortunately, isn t up to par. Simon thinks she s great (mainly, I think, because she is very pretty); Randy calls her out on her very evident pitch problems, but she is put through.

I don t expect to see much more of her, though.
Notice how Katharine is always bathed in glowing light and butterflies and puppies playing when she s shown, whereas Taylor is generally depicted being mocked by crazy contestants like Eric Chapman and now Phung Pham? Well, get used to it, because that s how this show rolls, folks.

Brandon Rogers, rumored to be Top 24, has toured as a backup singer with the likes of Anastasia and Christina Aguilera. (Anyone else immediately think Ooh, Brandon Rogers/Melissa Doolittle THROWDOWN! Just me?

Okay then.) He s warm and personable, with a mega-watt smile. And as expected, he s excellent, though his vocals aren t unique.

Sixty-four-year-old Sherman Pore started a petition to get himself on American Idol as a way to give his dying lady love, as he calls her, a little spark of life as she battled cancer. He tells the audience, through tears, that he believes his little drive helped his love keep a positive attitude through her illness. Before the judges, he reveals that she passed away a mere two days before his audition.

As Paula cries, he launches into a quite moving rendition of You Belong To Me. He has a lovely, old-style crooner s voice, tinged with the slight shake of sadness and the onset of old age. Not even Simon can say a terrible thing about him.

As he leaves the room, he says into the camera, I won. I love him. ETA: There s now a for the finale.

Hooray!
And away we go. Now, granted I was taking notes and watching the show while battling a searing, electrifying and inexplicable pain in my left leg.

I am attributing it to the stiletto knee-high boots I trotted out today. (That s what s missing from Open Toes the verse about Charley horses and tendonitis!)
So we start off (or at least I start off) with Katie Bernard, who has the voice of Minnie Mouse and a decent singing voice.

Her style and manner is incredibly affected, though. Randy wouldn t put her through, but Simon would. The verdict falls to Paula, who finally gives Katie her golden ticket after she drags in her husband (who looks waaaay older than Katie s 19 years; and seriously, what the hell is a 19-year-old doing married, anyway?

Oh, right; making me feel inferior for daring to be 24 and not married!).
Next up is pint-sized Tatiana McConnico.

She s fantastic, she s spunky, she s all the things Paris Bennett rightfully should have been but never was. And her style is adorable. I like her a lot, and so do the judges, who call her the best of Birmingham so far.

Following Tatiana is Diane Walker, who seems to have a genuinely warm personality. She s a big girl, no doubt, but she doesn t possess Mandisa s elegance or, if we re being honest, her beauty. She also has zero control over her voice, and is not put through to Hollywood.

Bernard Williams needs to lose the George Huff-esque stache. He s good, but eh. Is it too much to ask for a man who sounds like a man?

Interestingly, while Simon and Randy are a ight with him, Paula thought he was off-key (PITCH! PITCH!) and wouldn t have given him the thumbs-up.

Next up is Jamie Lynn Ward or shall we say Kellie Pickler, version 2.0. But Jamie outdoes Kellie in nearly every way possible bigger boobs, big hair, and a sadder backstory (her father shot her cheatin stepmother, then himself; now he s paralyzed, and she lives with her grandma).

Unlike Kellie, however, who was all tears, Jamie Lynn brushes it off with a drawlsy it s okay. Sure it s okay; everything s okay when you re willing to whore out your family s personal tragedy for a shot at fame! Anyway, Jamie Lynn s singing isn t all that fantastic, but she gets put through anyway.

Naturally.
The much-hyped Chris Sligh makes his debut appearance tonight. He s quite witty and wry, explaining that while others look at him and see Jack Osborne, he looks in the mirror and sees Christina Aguilera.

When the judges ask him why he s there, he says he d like a shot at making David Hasselhoff cry. Hee! His singing is very good, but nothing special, nothing unique.

He s a personality contestant at best, unless he really improves in Hollywood.
While Jamie Lynn is blonde, big-breasted and vapid, adorable Nichole Gatzman is brunette, olive-skinned, and has a husky alto that manages to inject a little life into Somethin to Talk About. A little life.

Still, I thought her voice was excellent, and a refreshing change from Idol s usual cabal of screechy belters. And if Nichole were blonde and poutier, she d either have been passed through to Hollywood immediately, or at least given an opportunity to sing another song. But, this being Idol, she s turned away.

And that was Birmingham. Lots of talent, but nobody knocked my socks off. So far, Sundance Head is still my pony, and I tend to stand by my picks
"Sundance got lots of airtime, but he's getting the Savol Edit which is the opposite of pimping.

The whole artificial Tommy vs Sundance setup is a prime example- as though the judges went through all 40 contestants and the absolute last undecided slot for the guys came down to Tommy and Sundance, and they just *had* to choose between them. It's " "What in the world is this girl [Leslie] doing on AI? She should have already had a record deal somewhere.

Love her voice! To me she is like a and my love for Lisa knows no bounds. Leslie is the only contestant I give a crap about this season so far and that means that she'll be out before the top 12.

" "I'm kind of on the fence with Chris. I like his personality, but it might wear on me after a while, especially if the judges laugh at his jokes. From what I've heard so far, I don't think his voice is particularly special, but .

Also, he has a more interesting range of musical tastes than most of this year's contestants (looks like it's going to be R B week every week, regardless of the actual genre, so Chris might bring a welcome change of pace)." "I'm not that impressed with [Antonella's] singing. When her voice sounded nice, I thought her diction was poor, eg.

in her group performance. Although she was the best of the three of them, that was in comparison to Baylie, who was a trainwreck, and Amanda, who was Not Good. She was in The Chair episode.

" "With the success of people like Justin Timberlake, it wouldn't surprise me at all if this year turns out to be Blake Lewis. There's a lot of money to be earned for TPTB if an actual "pop" performer wins this time.