Sort dirty laundry hamper into piles on the floor.
Empty garbage can. Flush toilet. Use wipes to wash walls.
Flush toilet.
I LIKE my socks on the floor. Find fave CD. Make bed on floor with my blankets.
.
B. I don't actually do this myself.
! Sheeeeesh. N.
B. I don't actually do this myself.
N.B. My posture is actually rotten.
nice deep belly breaths that get your diaphragm moving. N.B.
I can go for days without breathing.
N.B. I find yoga too stressful.
B. Can't remember my last massage.
January 15
Sometimes It's Less Turning Over a New Leaf and More Just Letting The Other Side See the Sun For A While.
..
Back then I was writing daily and I always had a story to tell and something to say. I also noticed that I seemed to be a lot less cranky then than I am now..
.I had more fun with the exploits of my girls, and less stress about them. Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost my sense of humour about raising children.
..and with that loss has come the loss of my writing voice.
I grieve these losses as I would grieve the loss of a loved one...
indeed, it is a beloved part of myself that I am missing. Lord knows Dean and the girls are missing it too!!
decide...
to change things. Both girls are home today..
.we were away for the weekend and are all completely bagged. I fibbed to Calla and told her that there was no school today.
We are, the three of us, going to curl up into little hibernating balls and sleep the afternoon away. Upon waking we are going to bundle up into so many layers that we can barely move and maybe head to the park so that we can slide down the slide into a waiting snowbank. When we are completely frozen through, we will come home for some hot chocolate.
part of the change in things is going to be that I am going to take the time to enjoy my girls and our time together. Soon enough they will be older..
.no longer wanting to play in the snow or snuggle in my lap for a story or make believe that we are mermaids and villains. If I don't make space for them in my life now, I may find that there is no place for me to squeeze into theirs in the future.
? Oh yes..
.something I heard on Rex Murphy's Cross Country Check-Up (Canadians may know his CBC radio show..
.a call in show on Sunday afternoons and one of my favourite things to do for two hours each week..
.) Anyways, yesterday the topic was Technology..
.a boon or a hindrance? A Massage Therapist from Whitby called in and gave her opinion that the increasing numbers of people she sees with stress and panic and anxiety disorders can be attributed, in part, to the increasing amount of time we spend focused on technology.
..computers, televisions, gadgets.
..you name it.
She felt that we spend so much time focused on screens that we no longer take quiet moments to listen to our own bodies. We have become detached from our-selves. It was a very interesting comment and one that I am going to be considering.
We know that technology can distract us from our relationships with the people around us...
but what about our relationship with our own selves? Hmmmm..
.food for thought.
..now I have my afternoon plans to oversee.
Sophia will cuddle up in her own bed with a humidifier on to soothe her nasty cough. She has ever loved to sleep in her own bed and save her cuddling for awake times. Calla, on the other hand, would much rather be squooshed up to somebody warm.
..her hand resting on Mommy's cheek and her chilly feet tucked between mine.
She is six now, so I fully intend to savour this as it probably won't last for much longer. Calla and I will tuck in under my feather duvet and smile ourselves to sleep.
Yes, cell phones, computers, video games, television, so much in the techno-era can pull people away from each other, but I think of how often I talk to my mom now, across the state, through email. It wouldn't happen so often on long-distance calls. Or how many more people are picking up the phone and making calls now with all the great cell phone prices for state-to-state calls.
But that's no excuse for all the faces glued to screens that glow while families are not looking each other in the eye any more either. Somehow I find it hard to believe you have let yourself be invaded by this.
every night with her, 4 or 5 times. Watching, yes, dangit, watching tv..
.with her and talking about what we see while Dora the Explorer and Boots follow the path. Talking to the girls about what they like about a television show, who they think is cute, who is popular with the teenagers now on the celebrity front.
But no, nothing beats a card game with them all, either. Now I've confused myself. Watta surprise!
I'd suggest moving overseas, but even that doesn't work. It's one of those things we each have to go through is my opinion. If it isn't the technology we become addicted to it's going to be something else, another patch of grass that is greener.
There's an article that stares me in the face every day titled Relax! Live in the mommy moment and love it! I really do and don't want to read it.
Still, somehow, just reading it's title is enough to get me through another day. That and the fact that I can look at my girls and realize that another day has gone by of their lives and each one has the opportunity to hold a special memory. I want to give them as many of those memories as I can.
And I pray that the ones they recall in their old age are ones of their mom and them having fun instead of getting ignored because mom was too busy on the computer. Do you know when it really hit home? I think you're the first person I've told this to.
Oh no, one of those blogland confessions! But it fits here, so I'm going to put it in the everlasting text of this comment. My oldest was watching me work away on the computer and she tells me, Mommy, I don't think I want to become a mommy.
When I asked her why she said, 'Cuz I don't want to have to work on the computer so much. Now, how's that statement to put a stop in your tracks?!
? Granted there are still times that I claim as my time to do what I love to do (write), but I now do my best to put a limit on it and spend as much time as I can with the girls. Thinking of you a lot lately .
. . and now even more.
Of course no sooner do I point that out than the tour guide's cell phone rang. But still, in this world where nowhere is sacred and few vestiges of getting in touch with nature remain - ie. you can't even climb a mountain anymore without everyone going with their sat phones.
...
it's nice to see people recognizing the need to break from technology.
..so we went sledding again on the local hill and Holy Daughter finally worked up the courage to sled down the hill alone.
That worked.
.and Rex Murphy on the radio..
..how very Canadian.
Depends, ya know?
HA! That's a laugh. They never cease to provide me with laughter and grimacing.
.. that's just how it is.
Total blog-fodder.
It's so hard to weather through that but I know they are just tired...
flat-out-tired. I've started a new routine in which I give them a snack first..
. talk a little bit..
. and then we move on to homework. It's helping.
!
Oldest wants me to be his teacher. I am..
. just not quite like..
.that. If I was.
.. I think I'd have to kill myself.
lol
yeah, that smoothes the wrinkles. :)
Also, because of this crazy blog-world, I've come to know myself better, both thru delving deep to find something worthwhile to share, thru the reflection of myself I've received from the observations of others.
The longer we know them, the longer we love them, the more we realize we really can't control them or repair our own mistakes by keeping them from making the same ones. Yes, we get grumpier as time goes on; but you are blessed to see that to choose to go a different direction. I'm a firm believer in mental health days for all the family; I hope you had a relaxed, non-pressure day with your girls!
Here Calla is six already, seems like yesterday when she was a wee thing, eh ( --- had to throw that in just cuz!)? And bravo to you for keeping her home.
She's not going to miss anything earth-shattering by missing one day of school, unless there's a test, but this day she will remember, reflect, and use later on down the road.
Thinking back about all the times I missed with them makes it even worse.
we will all pray for spring and lazy hazy crazy days in the sun again.
I agree, it is time to push back from the computer and the TV and go outside to enjoy life and relieve some stress the old fashion way, just walking.
:) Of course, this is part of what helps me be civil...
lol It's my excursion out of the land of toddlers, teething, ear infections, spit up, poopy diapers...
and into the land of what OTHER people are doing with their lives, and getting ideas on how to make my life work better. :) The things that irritate me are video games and the like..
. Television is doable here and there (we watch PBS with Scooter and I occasionally watch Ellen)..
. and movies get so old after a while. I think the leaf turnover at our house needs to be that we spend more time outside (especially now that's it's almost springtime in Georgia), more time doing fun things outside (especially now that I'm nearly healed from the whole birthing experience).
We need to be active together instead of sitting around doing stuff.
.. spending time with the girls doing nothing but cuddles and stories and just having 'time' .
. they do grow uo so quickly and then you're right..
cuddles are few and far..but yet the love is still there .
.. playing hookie sometimes is a great thing for families to do .
.. Hope you have fun today .
.. Take care and God Bless , Betty Ann
:) I think we all need reminders on this every so often. Thanks!!
Hope you had a lovely day in the cold snow- and enjoyed the warm up as well. Still missing your daily blog entries though. ;)
You're right - time flies by like an arrow, and life can change in an instant. We need to be mindfully present in our lives, savoring each moment, as there is never a guarantee we'll have another. I know your children will remember these precious moments with you, and grow to appreciate them even more when they are faced with similar stresses at your age.
Be well,
.my head and face have been screaming for days and it is hard to push anything creative or even sensical past all that..
.gross stuff..
.that is making me so cranky right now.
..can't wait to spend a (hopefully snowy) afternoon reading all of your stories.
I think it has been about a year since I started blogging. Would have to check back for an exact date..
.but I know it was right after New Year's. Happy Anniversary to me!
Techno-whiz I am not. When I realized that there was so many other people out there and that anybody could read this stuff, I shut down my original site (which had too much personal information on it) and started this one. I imported some of my blogs, but not all.
..become my ostentatious self again.
..and lo and behold, Sophia was living the HOW-TO manual on that very subject.
We have had a few minor incidents involving Sophia and cornstarch. A little sprinkle here, a handful tossed incautiously there, nothing a broom and damp paper towel couldn't handle. We did not know that Soph had bigger dreams, grander dreams.
Dreams that involved not only cornstarch, but also the kitchen dining room floor, our loveseat and ostentatiously, our two cats.
.?) Soph was standing in the window watching Daddy clear the driveway.
One moment she was there and the next she was gone, Dean said. He had an inkling of doom, he really did. When he came in the house, big sister Calla had an empty box of cornstarch in hand and a look of grim resignation on her face.
..she knew what was about to hit the fan.
Dean knew that this...
the floors, the loveseat, THE CATS...
was a job for the central vac.
!
.I mean, yes I want my children to acheive their dreams, but I don't necessarily want to have to do the clean up afterwards. And while I have many good qualities, patience is not truly one of them and that would have REALLY tried my patience!
Mostly though, I am glad that it wasn't up to me to de-starch the cats...
my first reaction would have been to dump them in the tub for a bath. Oh Lord..
.can you say Cat Gravy?!
?!
All the people I've met are so cool!!
.. Take care and God bless .
. Betty Ann
.a year huh?.
..well dang it what a fantastic year it has been.
I have enjoyed your blog a lot...
followed it loosely and yet catch myself finding my way back again and again...
thank you for the many fun and funny stories you have shared...
I just love the feel of this place
Sounds like it's antibiotic time. Do take care of yourself so we all can enjoy more stories like the cornstarch one. :-)
What creative and blessed children you have! I will have to keep this story a secret, I wouldn't want Olivia getting any ideas. She has too many on her own.
Can you imagine what they would come up with if they were ever together? Oi! Scary scary thought.
:) I'm so sorry that you are unwell. I've never had a sinus infection but I've heard that they are bad. Drink lots of tea, eat some soup, and maybe have a chocolate chip cookie or two.
A little chocolate always makes a girl feel better. Congratulations on your Anniversary. I've only been coming for 6 months or so, but it has been a more pleasant (and certainly more humorous) six months because of you and your delightful family.
I hope you are feeling much better, very soon.
!..
...
HEY did you change this entry? Hmmmm..
..perhaps I'm already going stir crazy @ home?
I like it. Loach said this year he's doing more raising and less calling..
..I'm thinking on trying that myself speaking of poker terms.
..is H, Q A all going grey.
..or gray as I like to spell it.
..like judgement.
..with the damn E!
HIM is always spell check boy...
I'm a terrible speller...
it's his peeve. Ah well I digress. I like it.
he has one under our sink...
and tweaking the hell out of my blog-o-rama...
right @ this moment!!!
..one day.
..my site will be nominated.
...
!!!
shouldn't you de-fur them first though?
I can honestly say that I have never wanted to consume either of my girls, so that made me feel better. However, in the interest of strictest honesty, I must add that sometimes it's because it would require just too much closeness and intimacy..
.there are times when a distance of two rooms is too close. Kind of hard to nibble when you can't reach your food.
things are fine here at Gelati Farms. Me and the girls are getting geared right up for the holidays..
.the tree is up and decorated, the three collector's singing snowmen from Hallmark are put to frequent and repetitive use daily (thanks heaps Godparents..
.), presents are wrapped, baking is almost finished..
.check check check check. Nobody is sleeping.
..check check check check.
Dean is pretending to be Scrooge...
check. (getting that he truly is faking it and is as big a sucker for the holiday..
.check) Father-in-law drops my Fuji on the concrete barn floor less than one week before Christmas and breaks it beyond repair..
.check. Three people we know have been struck down by a virulent stomach flu.
..taking into consideration the incubation period of about three days.
..that leaves us right in line to all come down with it in T minus three days.
..just in time for Christmas Eve.
..check.
Situation Christmas normal.
So far...
it is wonderful. Can you say bum warmers? Dean turned them on today without telling me and it was a very.
..interesting.
..sensation to experience when you are unaware that your seats have this capability.
Mostly we are happy that Dean doesn't have to sit on the floor of the passenger seat of our Dodge pick-up whenever we go out as a family together, and that I don't ever have to try to park that bad boy anymore. I don't quite know why, but I can drive and park that thing..
.(and I am NOT talking about pull throughs..
.I can back that trailer in almost completely lickety-split..
.) with a 30-foot fifth wheel attached to it but cannot, for the life of me, park it in a city parking space..
.sans trailer. Huh.
I have made concessions for some of my MVA clients...
I don't want to interrupt their treatment plans so that I can have a week off...
but people who just want to get in for relaxation? I don't know. Maybe they can do what I will have to do which is rub the parts you can get to and submerge in a tub of hot water and Epsom salts to soothe the places you can't.
I figured that since it was my morning off, I should at least be able to be comfortable. I wore my most lovely Joe Boxer black yoga pants and a long shirt from Old Navy. They are my lounging clothes and while it was nice to be comfortable, my mind had a hard time remembering that I was there to work, not relax.
Tonight I will wear my Old Navy khakis that are just slightly tight around the waist...
it will keep me alert. it is hard to relax when you have to suck in your belly.
I had intended this to be about something else but...
maybe another time.
.maybe I'm not the Barb you're referring too. Maybe there is another Barb woefully unmaternal, and I actually went back to look.
Ah huh...
it was I LOL
I hope there was a replacement under the tree. (That's the least he could do!)
.arg!!
!
.lol. My Fuji sucks up batteries, you're prob.
better off w/o it.
.and if you see sleep..
.can you tell him I'm looking for him..
.
Sigh. Well, I do hope that all of you did manage to avoid the flu and that you spent many happy holiday moments inside your brand new holiday car. With toasty rear ends.
Amazing that you can get so many comments about drivel -- you're quite loved! ;)
Your humor, spirit, wisdom and ability to share who you are with so much grace and fluidity is so admirable to me; when I grow up I wanna be like you. Thank you for your gift of friendship, caring and love..
.it's been a wonderful year in part because I met you.
!
It has been a joy getting to know you!!
I'm so glad to know you've had your hands full too, that things are going by CHECK CHECK CHECK! and that you still seem to have that overflowing spirit of yours.
As if what you are doing every day with your daughters and husband and home isn't a full-time job plus some, on top of your massage business? I just wistfully wish your stress had lasted a little longer..
.but not really, you know?.
..because I have still got the GRRRRR's and the exhaustion factor.
But I am really happy that you feel better.
there's no other word for it. ;) ask anyone, i'm not quite what you would call a heavy metal kind of girl, but I was in awe-- lasers, pyrotechnics and that sexy guy on the guitar. Definetly an event to remember!
The other thing is that you were on a commenting frenzy! Everywhere I have looked, there's an Alison comment sitting there, beautiful and shining. :D I'm hoping your day is well and that you are happy--Merry Christmas if I don't talk to you sooner!
:D
Things had been going so well for so long and then...
whammo...
every second night I am up trying to convince myself that it is really just a panic attack and that it can't kill me. Sometimes it works and others..
.not so well. I see a woman who is teaching me techniques to live with this truckload of anxiety.
..her job is to give me the proper tools to deal with this part of myself.
The other day when I went to see her, she listened while I told her of the truly crappy two weeks I have had. Her suggestion? Eat better and get some exercise.
Right. Yes. I know.
Even though it sounds like 'take two aspirin and call me in the morning' advice, it really is a helpful suggestion. When the body is well fueled and active, all those feel-good endorphins make you feel..
.well..
.good.
.. with all the requisite shouting and cajoling to get her to the crossing guard before the bell rings.
I have sat at the table with them and choked down hot cereal with fresh berries, I have made and enjoyed breakfast shakes, and tried to avoid the coffee-maker...
with varying degrees of success, alas. In the interest of having a structured and organized morning, I have tidied up the post-getting-ready-for-school-and-breakfast-preparation aftermath before I do anything else. (this particular chore is better carried out when Sophia is still buckled into her booster seat, at the table, watching a movie.
When she is on the loose, she is busily and efficiently engaged in undoing every chore I have just completed.) When all this is finished, it is time to suit up for our morning walk, and it is here that things get really interesting..
.
I dressed in my full-length down coat and pink-plaid Sorels and Soph was stylishly attired in her grey one-piece MEC snowsuit and Cougar boots that are rated for -50*C. When in the Chariot, Soph is protected from the wind and blowing snow by two layers of screen and plastic. With her hot air and the heated rice-bag, the inside of that stroller is steamy and warm.
When in the wagon, she is covered by three blankets.
.we set out. I walk to the end of the block and notice that Sophia has taken off her mitts to suck her thumb.
I cross the first street and Soph asks for a foobar (which translates to 'fruit bar' and is a Fruit to Go). As I round the corner of the next block, Soph is beginning to whine for hot chocolate. Meanwhile, I am having to stop each time she calls me because when she is all snugged into the Chariot, I have to unsnap the screening and plastic to hear what she is saying.
Mitts have to come off, the plastic is frozen and therefore stiff and unworkable, I have to find Soph under all those blankets to read her lips as the wind is blowing too hard to actually understand her. So far, despite all this, I am enjoying my walk. I like the cold.
I am happy to be out and actively doing something to help prevent my panic attacks.
I had taken Soph out in the wagon that day because she spent most of the time in the Chariot crying and yelling...
I thought that maybe she just wanted to be more involved in the walk. That day, we headed for home and I pulled the wagon behind me through the snow. We had been walking for five minutes when I came to a friend's house.
This woman works part-time with a home-based business selling kitchen products. Her daughter Faith is the exact same age as Sophia and is in a daycare down the street. That morning, I stood outside her window on the sidewalk and yodelled her name until she came to the front door in her bare feet and popped her head out to say hi.
Despite the tempting invitation to come in for coffee, I decided to continue on in my walk...
it just felt so good to be outside. On we walked.
It is from this bridge that we ooh and ahh over the ducklings and goslings and then watch in fascination as they grow and swim single file behind their mommies. (honestly, most of the fascination is on my part because those mommy birds manage to keep complete control over anywhere from six to twelve birds and I have a heck of a time with one and no luck at all with two..
.children, not birds..
.) Now that winter has hit and the river has iced over and the birds have flown to cheerier climes, I thought it would be cool to show Soph the changes winter brings. I thought it would be cool.
Soph thought it was torture...
and she had no problem testifying...
loudly and pathetically, to anyone passing by...
her everlasting and all-consuming despair. As I stood on the bridge, looking down at the wailing child who had begun to keen for her daddy, I found myself telling her that I loved her. Over and over.
Under my breath, with my teeth clenched...
because if I wasn't repeating it like a mantra, I might forget entirely. (this brings to mind my earlier conundrum regarding actions vs. intentions.
..my action was telling her that I loved her.
My intention was 'tell her you love her before you...
a.) toss her over the bridge, or b.) tie her to the leg of a migrating goose and wave happily as she flies south with her pink blankie waving in the wind.
')
She was outside, playing gleefully with her friends...
laughing and rolling in the snow. A few steps more and we passed by my friend's house again. I know that she was curled up on her couch in her bare feet and comfy pants, sipping coffee and enjoying the quiet of her day.
Meanwhile, Soph had started to scream for her daddy and I was yelling back at her that her daddy was at work. Alone. Warm.
And probably smiling. Under my breath, I was muttering that this was doing wonders for my anxiety..
.I could feel the stress just melting off of me. We passed three old ladies, all of whom commented that someone wasn't very happy.
The last lady who mentioned it got a snarl and a growl from me and was told that, no...
someone wasn't very happy, and that my child was pretty grumpy too. God, I hope she doesn't recognize me without my fifteen winter layers next spring.
..Dean does share in the cooking and cleaning.
..but, for the sake of making myself out to be a martyr, I thought it sounded better to insinuate that I did everything.
..just play along.
..) and generally do a fine impression of Sally Homemaker.
I thought of my friend and her daughter Faith. At the same moment that Sophia was throwing tantrums in her wagon and I was feeling a stroke coming on, they were both happily doing their own thing. Keyword being happily.
Yes, I am home with my girls almost 24/7. I am, however, up three nights out of seven with panic attacks. Absolutely I get to spend quality time with my girls that I would miss if I had to be at work full-time, but I am also aware that a good percentage of that quality time involves some quality yelling and some really quality flying off the handle.
really...
who was benefiting from me being home? I am turning into a basket case and into someone I no longer recognize. There are days that, if I were my girls, I would pitch fits at the thought of having to spend a whole day with me.
I find myself rubbing headaches away from my temples, and everything I say is said with a sibilant hiss as that is the only sound that escapes from a clenched jaw. Four days ago, my right eyelid started twitching. I don't know why, but I noticed yesterday that the moment that I started calling after Sophia as she ran away from me in the mall, that the twitching started in earnest.
Last night, after the girls were in bed and I was talking with my mother, I told her that I felt like Scrat...
the twitchy squirrel from Ice Age. Really, the only differences between me and Scrat is that I don't need any more nuts..
.I feel that I am nuts enough, thanks..
.unless the nut represents my lost sanity. That I want back.
It is more sound-proof and I find I can barely hear Sophia if she starts her wailing. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am dragging this child out in the cold when she hates it so much, but then I assure myself of a couple of things: Firstly, it isn't cold enough to get hypothermia..
.so, with all the layers and heating pads and whatnot, she isn't going to die from a bit of cold, and secondly, if I don't walk and get some fresh air and exercise so that I can sleep at night, one or both of us might die from causes other than hypothermia.
Screaming child, twitching eye and all. Think of me. And wish me luck in finding my nut.
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