I DREAM OF JUSTIN - CHAPTER 7 (Part 2)
The bottle continued to be random and unforgiving; totally unpredictable and on more than one occasion during the following days, Brian returned from work to find Justin in his studio, but once again a prisoner and he would carefully carry the bottle back up to the loft.
They talked about Justin's situation constantly; trying to find a way to work around it and discover a solution. But they both realized just how dumb it had been to venture so far away on their little jaunt down Liberty Avenue, but accepting that any other excursion was far too foolhardy and risky was extremely difficult for both of them to take.
Luckily, it didn't take long for Justin to realize that art was his passion. He loved drawing and painting and trying to discover what worked and what didn't, but he also loved reading about it and doing research on the computer and marveling at the beautiful works created by the Masters as well as contemporary artists. But even with the studio to experiment in, Justin's continued lack of freedom was all too obviously depressing for him; maybe even more so, having found something to fill his time that he truly loved to do so much, only to be snatched away.
It was also affecting Brian more than he would ever admit; never knowing if Justin would be at liberty or not and feeling increasingly frustrated and angered with the situation and understanding how it impacted on the younger man; indeed on them both. But this particular evening, when he was working at home on the copy for his next presentation, Brian was thankful the bottle had chosen not to release Justin on this occasion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian was half expecting it to be Jennifer when the buzzer sounded from downstairs.
He inwardly groaned and almost didn't answer, but then his car was parked outside and anyone looking up could see the lights were on in the loft and so he went to the intercom to find out who it was. And it was hardly surprising and Brian was only too amazed it hadn't happened sooner, when it was Michael's voice who answered.
Letting Michael in, it was pretty obvious he'd come to check on him and the man he'd heard was living there.
Michael's eyes were everywhere as he looked for clues, but trying all the while to seem disinterested. But unfortunately, Michael wasn't that clever and in the end Brian hated seeing how hopeless he was at subterfuge.
“Well?
” Brian asked him and Michael frowned; Brian always did know what he was thinking.
“Okay ..
. who is he?”
“Where is he?
” he asked coldly and wondering what it was the guy would have that he didn't. Ever since they were 14, Michael would have given just about anything to have ended up here, living with Brian, if only the man had asked. But Brian never had.
Brian had returned to his work on the computer and shrugged. “His name is Justin ..
. and ..
. he's not around right now ..
.” stated Brian, so completely matter of factly.
“I hear tell he's an artist .
.. and young,” stated Michael, in a tone that said he wondered why the guy didn't go out and get himself a real job and that he probably saw Brian as his meal ticket.
“And a damn good artist ...
and he's old enough,” Brian came back at him, his tone surprising Michael with its obvious pride and forcefulness and Michael immediately knew he wasn't going to like this Justin.
Michael nodded and wandered around the loft, almost picking up one of the sketchbooks, but forcing himself not to. “Is it serious?
” he asked him and Brian grinned.
“Whenever am I serious about anything?” replied Brian, neatly sidestepping the question that even he wasn't sure he had the answer to.
Michael frowned and wondered why it was he ever expected a straight answer in the first place.
“You know every one's talking ..
.”
“Glad I can liven up so many people's colorless little lives ..
.” cut in Brian sarcastically and for the moment shutting Michael up. But unfortunately, that didn't last long.
“Hmm ...
well ...
anyway ...
I just wanted to remind you that it's my birthday next week ...
we're going to Woody's then on to Babylon ...
”
“In other words ...
the usual,” chuckled Brian and knowing full well that Michael could just have called to tell him that.
“It's what we always do,” Michael pointed out to him defensively in the face of Brian's sarcasm and Brian smiled. “Exactly .
..”
“You don't have to come if you don't want to .
..” huffed Michael and he turned and started to head for the door.
Quickly getting up from his chair and reaching out, Brian took hold of the man's elbow. He hadn't meant to criticize Michael's choice of birthday celebration and seemingly put him down. It was what they always did and he'd been glad of Michael's friendship through the years right enough.
“Hey ...
I didn't say I wouldn't come,” stated Brian, tilting his head to one side and chewing his thumbnail; an endearing characteristic which always melted Michael, and Brian knew it.
Michael grinned at him and then something on the shelf behind Brian caught his attention.
“Hey .
.. I haven't seen that before,” and stepping around Brian, Michael reached out; intending to take the ornately decorated green bottle down from the shelf to have a look at.
“Careful ...
” the panic in Brian's voice was only too evident and made Michael jump, almost bringing about the exact opposite of Brian's intentions.
“It ..
. it's pretty old,” explained Brian in a brilliant understatement and Michael frowned. “Valuable?
” and Brian nodded. “Priceless ..
.”
“Never known you have anything like it before ..
. thought you didn't go in for clutter?”
Brian smiled.
“It's precious ...
kinda has sentimental value ...
”
“Sentimental? ..
. Brian Kinney? .
.. that's a new one .
.. not going soft are you?
” asked his friend and Brian grinned. From anyone else that would be an insult and turning Michael around by the shoulders, Brian gave him an affectionate slap on the ass.
“Later .
..”
“Later,” echoed Michael, as he reached the door and Brian followed him and kissed his friend goodbye.
“Oh ...
the invitation includes Justin,” stated Michael, hoping to seem offhanded and not as totally interested and dying to meet the man who, it had seemed, had snared his best friend and Brian nodded. “Thanks,” though knowing he was going to have to make up some excuse as to why the young man couldn't go.
Closing the door behind him, Brian wandered over to the bottle and peered in.
Justin was curled up asleep and seemingly unaware of their visitor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been another brilliant presentation and another client won over. After days of hard work, a blistering selling job and further meetings, the ink was now drying on the contract and Brian knew his partnership had to be in the bag.
Whistling to himself as he'd finished seeing everyone out of the building after the signing and handshakes, he passed Cyn in the hallway. His PA had just finished packing up her desk for the day before heading for the elevator and she grinned at him. “Nice work, boss,” she told him and Brian didn't deny it.
“Like there was any doubt,” he chuckled and he called back at her from down the corridor. “And I'm feeling generous ..
. take the morning off ..
. in fact ..
. take the whole day ..
.”
“Thanks Brian,” beamed Cynthia. “But I expect it'll be you who'll be needing the lie in .
..”
“Give my best to Michael,” and hearing her call that after him, Brian halted and turned to look back at her and he frowned and took a few steps forward.
“You do know what day it is?” Cyn asked him and Brian went to speak but then hesitated. Obviously, by Cyn's question and expression, today must be pretty significant and not just because of the contract signed, sealed and delivered and then he remembered.
Brian groaned loudly and closed his eyes.
“You forgot Michael's birthday?” asked Cyn in amazement, as the 'ping' sounded and the elevator doors opened.
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose. “I know you two don't seem to be seeing as much of each other any more ..
.” Cyn stopped, halted by Brian's shake of the head. Shit.
Mikey's birthday. He was surprised Michael himself hadn't called again to remind him since last week, but Cyn was right, they didn't communicate like they used to. But still, not since they first knew each other at 14 years old had one of their birthdays passed by unacknowledged by the other.
“What the fuck am I gonna get him ...
this late?” groaned Brian, looking at his watch.
“You could tell him something's on order?
” suggested Cynthia as she stepped inside the elevator and Brian sighed. There was always Michaels' extensive comic book collection he could add to; some of the issues were collectors' items, it shouldn't be too difficult to track something down. “Thanks Cyn,” called Brian after her, as the doors closed and he looked at his watch again.
He was running late already and on a birthday night at around this time, the gang would just be finishing up at Woody's before moving on to Babylon: maybe he could get away with telling Michael his gift was in the mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On this occasion, there was no change of clothes and no time to go back to the loft; he would have to go dressed as he was. He knew all the gang would be there and he wasn't looking forward to being subjected to the third degree about his love-life.
He'd have a couple of dances, a couple of drinks and call it a night.
And it was indeed a hostile glare that greeted him to be followed by a: “I thought you'd forgotten ..
.” shouted over the sound of the music and Michael took a swallow from his beer bottle. The gang were all standing at the bar when Brian arrived at Babylon; “Fashionably late .
.. as usual,” whispered Emmett to Ted, though not too quietly, owing to the level of the noise and Brian caught it, though chose to ignore them.
“How could I forget your birthday, Mikey?” stated Brian, wearing his best poker face and feigning surprise at his friend's doubt. And in a move that was always going to win him over, Brian brought Michael to his feet and took him in his arms and gave him a big kiss, ignoring the man's partner.
“Happy birthday, Mikey,” he whispered and pulling back, his boyhood friend couldn't help breaking into a wide grin; a response which drew a scowl from Ben, Michael's beau.
“But you didn't bring him a present,” observed Ted, and letting Michael go, Brian merely shrugged. “What can I say .
.. it's ordered .
.. but the fucking thing didn't arrive yet .
..” and he helped himself to a beer bottle from the bar, which had actually just been purchased for Ben.
Ted and Emmett exchanged glances. They knew Brian and Michael didn't hang out like they used to now that Michael was with Ben, though they would have been surprised if Brian hadn't turned up to celebrate his friend's birthday. But if Brian already had a birthday gift for Michael, then they were in no doubt that he would have bought it with him, Brian never being one to shy away from grand gestures on such occasions.
“You gonna tell me what it is?” asked Michael, completely sucked in by Brian and totally missing the look Ben was giving him; bemused by his partner's gullibility. Brian shook his head.
“If I told you ...
it wouldn't be a surprise...
” and he took a swallow of his beer.
Michael looked around. “Didn't you bring Justin?
” he asked him and Brian tried to ignore the chortling from Ted and Emmett.
Brian had completely forgotten he was supposed to be coming up with a perfectly feasible explanation for why Justin couldn't make it, and unfortunately, the first thing that came into his head was; “He sends his apologies ..
.”
“Don't tell me ..
. something came up,” snickered Ted and he and Em appeared to be having convulsions. Brian just glared at them and then turned his attention back to Michael.
“He was tired ...
he's been pretty busy ...
”
“And come to think of it ...
where are your boyfriends?” Brian asked pointedly as he turned back to Temmett and was rewarded by both men hurriedly talking at once and trying to explain why it was they were actually on their own tonight and Brian grinned at their excuses. “Losers,” came Brian's indictment of their sex lives.
“Hmm ...
” observed Michael and knowing that 'He was tired and he's been pretty busy,' was one of the lamest excuses for something he'd ever heard from Brian and he'd certainly heard some good ones in their years as friends. But no matter. At least this way, he didn't have to share him.
“Well ...
you're here ...
that's what counts ...
wanna dance?”
“Why not?”
“You don't mind .
.. do you Ben?
” asked Brian, but before the man had a chance to answer him, Brian grabbed Michael's hand and led him out onto the dance floor.
“What do you think he told Michael?” Ted asked Emmett, but the man only shrugged.
“Tell Michael what?” yelled Ben over the music and Em and Ted exchanged glances and grinned. “About the subject that half .
.. no .
.. make that most of Liberty Avenue have been talking about .
..” chuckled Ted.
Ben nodded and sighed in understanding; Michael had been talking about the same topic for days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The one dance turned into several and Brian realized that although it was good to be able to go home to Justin, he had missed all this lately and was enjoying the looks and admiring glances from the other dancers, until he realized they weren't just looking, they were obviously talking about him too and not necessarily complimentary by their expressions. And although he was enjoying the company of his friend, Michael couldn't help but get in a dig of his own.
“So ...
what time's curfew?”
“What?” yelled Brian over the music and Michael stretched up closer in order to speak so that Brian would hear him.
“I said ...
what time's curfew?”
“What the fuck are you talking about Mikey?” asked Brian, totally mystified by his friend's question.
“You know ...
the time you have to go back ...
to the little woman waiting at home for you ...
” Mikey asked him and Brian groaned.
“I tried to tell you ..
. the whole of Pittsburgh's talking about it ..
. Brian Kinney out on Liberty Avenue hand in hand with a blond twink ..
. you were bound to be the talk of the town ..
. and the fact that he appears to be living at the loft ..
.”
“Yeah ..
. well ..
. for your information ..
. he isn't my little woman ..
. and Justin's no twink,” stated Brian, suddenly defensive.
“Doesn't sound like that from what Lindsay said .
..”
Brian groaned.
“Fuck Lindsay,” and pushing passed Michael, Brian headed back to the bar.
“It's a pity Justin couldn't come ..
. we'd like to meet the man who finally tamed Brian Kinney ..
.”
“Fuck you Ben ..
. who the hell said anyone had tamed me?” and throwing some bills down on the counter, Brian demanded a large shot of Beam.
“But he's cute too,” stated Emmett. “We saw him ..
. didn't we Ted?” and the man nodded in agreement.
Michael frowned, obviously pissed that Ted and Em had seen Justin when he hadn't.
“Who do you think's gonna take your place?” asked Ted of Brian and Em chuckled.
“Take my place where ...
as what?” demanded Brian and for once not liking to be the center of attention.
“Stud of Liberty Avenue .
.. King of Babylon .
.. I mean .
.. now you've given up your crown .
.. to spend nights at home .
.. cooking and reading .
.. with your wife .
..” Ted continued, enjoying seeing Brian squirm.
All the times Brian had delivered barbed comments his way about his age and his looks, Ted was relishing getting his own back at last and Em nodded and added his two cents.
“No more tricks ..
.”
“No more drugs ..
.” chimed in Ben.
“Mug of cocoa and a plate of Oreos before bed .
..” chuckled Michael.
“Next it'll be a house in the 'burbs and cribbage with the next door neighbors ...
”
“You think?” yelled Brian as he downed his drink and demanded another and he shot a glance at the guys at the end of the bar, who were looking at him and talking behind their hands.
So, the whole of Pittsburgh, well, Liberty Avenue anyhow, were talking about Brian giving up his stud status and settling down.
Thinking he was no longer a player; the man who could fuck any guy he set his sights on. The man who told the world more times than he could remember that he neither sought nor needed anyone else in his life. That he didn't do boyfriends or believe in love.
If the murmuring and snickers he knew were going on around him were anything to go by, they were all laughing at him; if not his immediate friends other than pulling his leg, then certainly the rest of the gay community, making Brian feel that being in a relationship somehow emasculated him. Well fuck them; he'd show them he was still the same old Brian Kinney. Okay, scratch that.
Not so much of the old; that he was still the same Brian Kinney for fucks sake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian downed his second double Beam and leaving the gang giggling to themselves at the bar, made his way up to the gallery, where he was in plain view and where he could look down on the dancers. Scanning the crowd, Brian found his mark and homed in; like a heat seeking missile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dancers and spectators alike, watched Brian descend the steps and make his way through the crowd to his chosen target. The guy was hot; a real gym-bunny and an obvious top. But not tonight, Brian would make damn sure of that.
“How does he do that ...
what does he say?” asked Emmett in awe of the tall, slim brunet and he shook his head as they saw Brian work the guy.
“Well .
.. whatever it is .
.. he says it for all of us,” conceded Michael, completely forgetting for the moment that he had a partner and was out of the running.
He shrugged and turned away, leaning his elbows on the bar and not wanting to watch the inevitable outcome. Some birthday celebration this was turning out to be.
The guy knew Brian, or at least knew his reputation and was aware too, just how many men Brian had turned down and was now supposed to be in a relationship.
But apparently, not tonight, for Brian had actually sought him out and the guy decided he would make the most of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It started out as a dance and then slowly, the other clubbers had drawn back to give them more room as they watched Brian and his trick practically make out in the middle of the dance floor. So much so that they were in danger of the management throwing them out.
But having made his point, Brian needed so much more. His blood felt it was on fire, like molten lava, he was juiced up so much and with the lure of anonymous sex so appealing, the temptation to head for the back room nearly got the better of him, after the familiar chase, hunt and conquer moves came flooding back to him and how good it felt.
But Brian didn't want it quick and hard and in the back room.
He wanted it long and hard and to fuck the guy every which way possible. And he didn't need a fucking audience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian never even gave Justin a second thought, so much was the desire to be inside Mr.
Gym-Bunny as often and as long as possible. Looking forward to the token struggle for supremacy he knew the guy was sure to put up, Brian grinned to himself. These guys nearly always turned out to be big nelly bottoms, despite their size and muscles; wanting to be dominated and Brian needed to be in control.
At the back of his mind, Brian knew he would so often nearly lose it whenever making love with Justin. The young man seemed to have this way of making him feel safe and get under his skin. He knew Justin would never abuse or take advantage of him and had almost been tempted on more than one occasion to relinquish that control before putting the brakes on; never quite able to go that extra mile and give himself totally.
And with this guy, Brian would claim back that control.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin had put his heart and soul into his art and had worked all day in the studio and was exhausted, falling asleep on one of the bean bags, with Cyrus on his lap and Satarah lying on the cushion at his shoulder. Now not as afraid of the phone as he had been at the start, he'd tried ringing Brian at the office and then on his cell, but had got no answer from either of them.
And disappointed at not being able to reach him, Justin couldn't help wondering whether Brian had gone to the club he'd spoken about again; where he met other men.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Though he didn't realize it immediately, it was the slamming of the Jeep's driver's door that woke Justin with a start and then it sank in and he grinned to himself. Brushing Cyrus off his lap, Justin went to look out the window, only to hear the passenger door slam and see the attractive and extremely well-built man join Brian on the sidewalk.
Under the street lamp outside the front door, it wasn't hard to see Brian grab hold of the man and take him in a kiss, forcing him out of the light and into the shadows, where prying eyes wouldn't see them.
Justin felt his heart sink and then he heard the front door slam and the elevator start its journey upwards. Opening the door to the apartment a little, he saw the wooden structure practically rocking on its ascent up to the loft and could easily make out the two men inside, already fumbling with each others clothing.
He knew Brian had recently been to Babylon, but since they'd made love, Brian hadn't bought anyone home. The home Justin was beginning to think of as his: theirs. The home they shared.
Whatever the pull was, Justin couldn't resist it and he quickly ushered the cats into the bedroom for safety and closed them in. Leaving the door to the hallway open in case the bottle should choose this moment to demand his presence, Justin slowly made his way up the stairs. The heavy metal sliding door to the loft was unlocked and so absorbed in what they were doing, neither Brian nor his trick heard it open.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clothing was strewn across the floor and both Brian and his trick were naked. With only the side lamps on, Justin took a few steps inside the loft and halted, while his eyes became accustomed to the low light. But within a few seconds, both men's bodies were easily discernible, already covered in a layer of perspiration that seemed to make them glow in the darkness.
The trick was bent over the back of the sofa; his feet were apart and his arms spread out wide and hands desperately gripping the top of the sofa to prevent himself from tipping over. Brian had one hand on the man's hip and the other on his shoulder, pulling him up every time he rammed into him for maximum penetration. The trick's eyes were tightly closed and his breathing was short and rasping, punctuated by groans that were becoming increasingly louder.
Brian was grunting with every thrust as both men neared orgasm and it was some moments before he realized Justin was in the room. Slowly, mesmerized by what he saw, Justin had walked around the front of the sofa and as he came into Brian's peripheral vision, the man locked his eyes on Justin's as the younger man continued to watch.
This wasn't the first time Justin had witnessed Brian fucking of course and knew he had no reason to feel betrayed.
Brian had never made any sort of commitment to him, at least not verbally. But watching Brian do this after everything he thought they'd begun to mean to each other, cut him like a knife.
Brian could see the hurt in Justin's eyes, but was determined not to feel guilty and while his head was saying: “This is what I do – take it or leave it - don't make me choose,” Brian's heart was telling him something else.
That beneath him was a nameless trick who might very well tell him he loved him given half a chance, but that was probably only with a dick up his ass. Brian knew Justin was so much more than that, even if the young man had never said as much. But that he gave his body and of himself entirely and had never once asked or expected anything of him in return.
Now it was Brian who watched as Justin turned and walked away, his steps increasing in pace until he was running down the stairs back to the studio and Brian heard the door slam and closed his eyes as he came; as both he and his trick came together. Thankfully, before they'd started, Brian had thought to throw the guy's tee over the back of the sofa for him to cum on and once he was gone, there wouldn't be any evidence that he'd ever been there. At least, anything physical.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian overslept and didn't hear his alarm. And when he did wake, didn't immediately remember the night before until he realized the bed next to him was empty and the bottle wasn't in its place on the shelf; Justin was still down in the studio. Brian barely remembered his trick, but he'd never forget how Justin looked at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He showered and dressed quickly and on his way to work, Brian stopped off at the apartment downstairs to check on the younger man. The cats meowed when he opened the door and Brian quietly and carefully shooed them back inside. Justin was lying curled up on the bean bags and walking over to him, trying not to make a sound, Brian came to a halt and watched the sleeping figure and sighed.
Justin was so beautiful and innocent and giving, and for the first time, Brian really felt like a total heel and could clearly remember how hurt the young man had looked as he watched him fuck the trick. Why the hell had he done that? Brought the guy back home, when he had everything he could possibly need already waiting for him?
Would giving all that up; his so-called 'freedom' really mean he was no longer the same man? Or would it just mean he'd finally grown up and realized what was really important?
Justin still had dark circles under his eyes; it didn't look like he'd gotten too much sleep.
A sweater he'd been wearing the day before had been left on one of the high stools and retrieving it, Brian crouched down and gently laid it over Justin's shoulders. Effortlessly and without a sound, Satarah jumped up onto the bean bag and settled down along Justin's back. Cyrus meowed quietly and reaching out, Brian stroked the animal under the chin.
“Watch over him for me,” whispered Brian to both animals and he quietly made his exit.
When the door closed, Justin opened his eyes. He'd heard Brian come in, but just couldn't face any sort of confrontation, knowing they could hardly ignore what had happened.
But the man had come to check on him, Justin accepted. Had tucked the sweater around him to keep him warm and asked the cats to take care of him. How could Brian pretend he didn't care?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian had totally forgotten he'd given Cyn the day off and was left to find his own files and get his own coffee, which he promptly knocked over his desk. The air blue with expletives, Tracey, another PA, came to rescue him. Brian grunted his thanks and after checking there was nothing else he needed, Tracey decided that a quick retreat was in order.
Cyn had always said Brian's bark was far worse than his bite, at least with her. But Tracey didn't necessarily need to experience it first hand.
Brian was definitely not in the best of moods.
He barked at the intern who misunderstood an instruction and spent the whole morning working on the wrong piece, though to be fair, the instructions he'd been given by one of the members of the art department had left room for interpretation. And his mood wasn't really improved any when Michael rang him.
“Was he as hot as he looked?
” asked Michael, obviously referring to Brian's trick and Brian scowled down the phone. “Mikey ..
. you're supposed to be a married man ..
.” and he heard his friend chuckle.
“So .
.. was it a threesome .
..” and Michael's imagination was working overtime, but Brian disappointed him.
“Not exactly ...
”
“Then I hope you didn't get into any trouble ...
”
Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You know me, Mikey ..
. Mr. Teflon Man .
..”
“Yeah .
.. I know .
.. you get away with murder .
..”
“Still .
.. it's a pity Justin couldn't make it .
.. maybe next time?
”
“Maybe,” answered Brian noncommittally and he looked at his watch. “Gotta run Mikey ..
. got a pressing engagement with a hot little number in the art department ..
.”
“Would that be the man in question?” chuckled Michael, alluding to the gift Justin apparently possessed and they said their goodbyes.
But it was several minutes before Brian could concentrate on what he'd been working on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin painted with emotion he didn't know he possessed. Everything he was feeling; his hurt and confusion and yet his love for Brian, spilling out of him.
Spurring him on to try new, adventurous work without even stopping for anything to eat.
It was after dark when he did stop and clean up and was about to feed the cats, when he heard the door open and there was Brian, dressed in his warmest top coat and carrying a holdall. Justin's heart sank.
Could Brian be going away and leaving him?
“Good ..
. you've finished painting,” stated the older man, but Justin just frowned at him. “Aren't you a little overdressed?
” he asked him. The summer was fading, but it was still pretty warm and certainly too warm for the coat Brian was dressed in and with Cyrus and Satarah meowing expectantly around his feet, Justin retrieved the cat food from the cupboard. Brian sighed and stepped further into the apartment and closed the door behind him.
“I'll do that ...
clean up ...
we're going dancing ...
”
“What?”
“You heard ..
.”
“I don't know how to dance ..
.” replied Justin, exasperated that Brian could even think about both of them going out.
“Trust me .
.. you'll be fine .
..” answered Brian and Justin stared at him in disbelief and wondering how the hell he could say that to him and he shook his head.
But Brian wasn't giving up.
“Come on ..
. and you might want to shower and change into these ..
.” The bathroom in the apartment was still fully functioning and stepping closer, almost tripping over the cats, Brian handed him the holdall he was carrying. Inside were Justin's toiletries and a towel, dark navy pants, clean undies and a shiny blue spandex top he'd never seen before.
Clubbing clothes.
“What is all this?” Justin asked him, but he didn't give the man the chance to answer him.
“And you really think I can leave here ...
and spend hours in a fucking club ...
when we've talked about how stupid that would be ...
that I could so easily be at risk by being so far away from that fucking bottle ...
which is demonstrated to me so aptly every time it takes me back ...
whenever it wants ...
”
“How many times have we said that we have no idea what would happen to me if I was more than just a few fucking yards away ...
we can hardly take it with us ...
” and Justin threw the bag on the floor and put both hands on the counter as he shook with the emotion flowing through him. Slowly, Brian picked up the bag and stepping closer still, put his arm around the younger man's waist.
“Trust me,” he repeated and Justin looked at him and held his gaze.
But in the end, the sincerity in Brian's eyes reached right into him and Justin sighed. Still confused at what Brian was doing, but taking the bag from him, Justin retreated into the bathroom to take a quick shower and change while Brian fed the cats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin couldn't believe he was doing it; that he was trusting Brian.
But somehow he knew the man wouldn't let him down with this.
After showering and dressing, he looked at himself in the mirror and Justin had seen enough TV, movies and internet sites to know he looked hot, even if he did say so himself.
“Wow,” was all Brian could say when Justin eventually emerged from the bathroom, taking far longer than even he did when getting ready to go out, but he meant it.
Justin looked as hot as hell, even with his clothes on and the blond couldn't help beaming, despite himself, at Brian's reaction and the older man closed and locked the door to the studio behind them as Justin started to take the stairs downwards.
“Hey ..
. where do you think you're going?” Brian called after him and he beckoned Justin back up the stairs and totally mystified, the younger man followed him up to the loft.
Half way up, Justin thought he could hear music, and as they got closer,the music grow ever louder.
“I thought we were going dancing?” Justin asked Brian as they reached the loft.
“We are,” Brian answered him and sliding open the heavy metal door, the sound hit Justin like a sledgehammer and he couldn't believe his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stepping into the room, Brian took the bottle from an inside pocket in his coat and placed it safely back in its normal position, having retrieved it from the studio while Justin was showering. Justin followed him in cautiously; open-mouthed.
“Just as well the people are out in the apartment downstairs,” chuckled the older man over the music.
Slowly, Justin looked around him. A glitterball hung from the ceiling giving off silver sparkles and a kaleidescope of colored lights bounced off the floor and walls in time with the music and Justin could hardly hear himself think over the thumpa thumpa, let alone work out what was happening and he took a step further into the room in total disbelief at what he was seeing.
Streamers, colored banners and balloons were everywhere. The furniture had been pushed to one end of the room and two small stages erected. On each stage, gyrated a near naked go-go boy and Justin turned to Brian in amazement and confusion.
That's when he saw that Brian had taken off his coat and thrown it into the corner. It was only now that he realized Brian was dressed in figure hugging black leather pants, topped by a black garment, which Justin later learned was called a wife-beater and his mouth practically watered at the sight of him.
“Well .
.. if you can't go to Babylon .
..” stated Brian, shrugging and Justin felt a lump in his throat.
Moving towards him, Justin put his arms up around Brian's neck and pulled him down for a kiss. Brian didn't need much persuasion and any hurt that Justin was still feeling was swept away in an instance.
“Is this really just for me .
.. us?
” asked Justin, pulling back and Brian nodded. “Just for us,” but then Justin glanced quickly back at the go-go boys. “But what if .
..”
Brian pulled him back around.
“Don't worry,” he cut in quickly, in an attempt to quell Justin's obvious panic, “If anything happens ...
they probably won't even notice ...
”
“Are you sure?” asked Justin and Brian nodded.
“Trust me,” he urged again and Justin smiled.
Brian of course knew that the boys would probably be far too tweaked out shortly to even notice, or care, if Justin was yanked back into the bottle. And reassured, Justin pulled away and turned his attentions back to the gorgeous guy closest to them and Brian couldn't help but grin as he watched Justin watch the man's every move.
Justin's face was a mixture of admiration and awe as he watched the man dance and Brian grabbed his wrist.
“You'll go blind,” he warned him and he dragged Justin to the middle of the floor. But the blond feigned resistance. “I cannot dance like that,” moaned the younger man, but Brian wouldn't take no for an answer.
“Here ...
”
Brian turned Justin around so that he was facing the go-go boy. “Try and copy him ..
.” “No!” giggled Justin and he shook his head, embarrassed at the thought of even trying.
“It's only you and me here,” Brian reminded him. “The boys won't care ..
.”
“Go on ..
. give it a try ..
.”
Justin chuckled and very self-conscious and rather stiff at first, tried to follow the go-go boy's moves.
“This is not the time to be rigid,” yelled Brian in his ear, urging the younger man not to give up, even though he groaned and turned his back on the dancer, only to have Brian turn him back to face him again.
“Forget what you think you look like ...
just listen to the music and go with it,” instructed Brian and Justin took a deep breath. Momentarily closing his eyes and trying to forget he was probably looking like a complete idiot, Justin paid more attention to what he was doing and, very shortly, he was following the go-go dancer's every move.
Brian couldn't keep still to the music and was himself dancing, but he was mostly concentrating on Justin.
Jesus. He knew the kid had a fantastic ass, but jiggling up and down in front of him, Brian was in danger of losing it there and then. And when he finally let himself go, Justin was a natural.
His movements were fluid and graceful and he easily picked up the beat.
Now confident, Justin turned around to face Brian as the dance mix continued, and he beamed all over his face. Brian grinned back and he couldn't believe how heady he felt, dancing with Justin.
It normally took some chemical or other to get him feeling this good on the dance floor and even though there were two other men in the room, it was like they were entirely on their own as both Brian and Justin allowed the music to flow over them and lose themselves in it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eventually, Brian couldn't contain himself and moved towards him. “Enough with the solo dancing .
..” and he slid his arm around Justin's waist and then turned him away from him.
“Just sway with me ...
in time with the music,” Brian instructed and Justin leaned back into him. He closed his eyes and swallowed. He could feel the heat from Brian's body seeping through his shirt.
This was making love with your clothes on, he decided as he felt Brian grind his hips into him and he couldn't believe how sensual it was, as Brian's knee nudged between his legs as their bodies came together.
Justin reached up behind him and put his hand to Brian's face and the man lowered his head, his cheek against Justin's. Both of Brian's arms were wrapped around the younger man's waist as they rocked backwards and forwards.
Justin turned his head to allow Brian access to his mouth and they kissed and then the younger man turned around to face him.
Justin reached up and put his hands behind Brian's neck and linked his fingers while Brian's arms snaked around his waist to hold him to him as they danced face to face; their bodies almost fused together. Minutes later and they hadn't even realized the tempo of the music had slowed right down; they weren't hearing anything or were even conscious of the fact the two go-go boys had packed up and left, having been paid by Brian before he'd gone downstairs to collect Justin.
It was now just the two of them and Brian had never danced with anyone like this in his life before. Brian had never held another man in his arms on a dance floor like he was holding Justin; like they were holding each other and then the music finished, without them even noticing, as Justin reached up to kiss him and then he rested his head on the older man's shoulder and they stood in the middle of the floor, now in total silence.
Eventually, Justin raised his head and watched, as the lights still dancing around the room, highlighted the gold flecks in Brian's hazel eyes.
Eyes which now smiled at him and surely couldn't deny what they were conveying.
“Thank you ..
. this ..
. this has all been amazing,” smiled Justin and Brian reached out and brushed the blond's fringe back from his eyes. Justin bit his lip and decided that if ever there was the time, this was it.
“You must know what's happening ...
with us ...
I mean ...
if we're not a couple ...
then what the hell are we?” he asked him and he saw Brian swallow, but the man couldn't speak. “I know how I feel,” whispered Justin.
“And I can't believe you don't feel the same ...
” and he pulled away from Brian and shook his head, hoping he would make the man understand.
“Look at everything you've done for me ..
. the studio ..
. tonight ..
. or just looking out for me ..
. day to day ..
.” and he saw how Brian now stood, one hand on his hip, the other hand behind his head and looking at the floor and walking back up to him, Justin took Brian by the elbow.
“I love you,” said Justin, but Brian didn't dare answer him.
“Did you hear what I said?” asked Justin, but Brian pulled away.
“Don't confuse love with gratitude,” Brian told him.
“Is that what you think I feel?” asked Justin as Brian turned away from him and started to head for the bedroom, but there really was nowhere to run away to and hide. This was the conversation he'd been expecting, but he didn't know what he was supposed to say.
“I was in love with you ...
before you even knew I existed,” the young man informed him, Justin's voice almost breaking with emotion at the thought that Brian dismissed his feelings of love as nothing more than appreciation.
Brian came to a halt at the bottom of the steps. His heart was beating fit to burst.
He'd been dreading this. He knew Justin had feelings for him, but had been more than grateful that Justin hadn't voiced them. He didn't want to do this.
He didn't want to tell Justin he didn't feel the same way. But it wasn't that he didn't feel. It was because he was so sure he'd be totally shit at any relationship and Justin deserved so much more and he closed his eyes and shook his head; unable to acknowledge him.
Hearing no attempt by Brian to return his declaration, Justin sighed and walked up to his elbow. “Alright,” he said, softly. “You don't have to tell me you love me .
.. even though I know you do .
..”
“You don't know me, Justin,” Brian came back at him quietly and Justin gasped.
“What? ..
. I've been living with you for weeks ..
. months ..
. don't tell me I don't know you ..
.”
“But you only know me here ..
. you don't really know me ..
. how I am away from here ..
. you haven't seen how much of a shit I can be ..
.”
“Oh ..
. I've seen,” Justin reminded him. “What about all the men who trailed through the loft while I was in that damn bottle?
”
“I saw how you treated them ...
used them ...
” and he sighed. Justin hesitated, but then reached out and rubbed Brian's arm. “But I also saw how you looked afterwards .
.. when they left .
.. how lonely you were .
.. and don't you dare deny it,” Justin challenged him as he saw Brian start to speak.
But instead, Brian rolled his lips into his mouth. Justin was right about that; so right. All those men and all that anonymous sex left him feeling empty; hollow.
“But don't forget ...
I've also seen how you are with Gus ...
”
“I love my son,” Brian reminded him, though Justin needed no such reminder and the younger man smiled. “I know you do ..
.
“But I can't ..
. I don't know if I can ..
.” and Brian's voice trailed off and he sighed.
Justin narrowed his eyes as he tried to make out what could possibly be going through Brian's mind right now and he thought back a conversation he'd been privy to.
“I know you think you weren't loved as a child ...
”
“Where the fuck did you hear that?” Brian came back at him and then realization dawned and he chuckled, though there was no humor in it. “Debbie,” stated Brian and Justin nodded.
“I heard everything ...
I even heard you say that you didn't believe in love ...
”
“I don't,” came back Brian quickly; a little too quickly and Justin sighed. “But you love your son ..
. and what about how you are with me?” he continued, but Brian shook his head.
“That's not love, Justin ...
it's sex ...
we fuck ...
” and Brian only hoped his statement sounded more convincing than it felt. But somehow, he knew Justin was on to him already.
“It's love to me,” stated Justin quietly and the expression in those blue eyes staring into his, told Brian that he knew it was for the older man too, even if Brian wouldn't admit it.
And as Justin held Brian's gaze, he could see the man's fear in his eyes. Fear of failing and fear of saying something he could never take back and then Brian looked away.
Moving in front of Brian, Justin took the steps so that he was now level with him and he put his hand beneath Brian's chin and brought his head up to face him.
“Maybe you can't tell me you love me now ...
but you will ...
once I can convince you that I love you ...
that I'd never hurt you ...
”
“I already trust you with my life, Brian ...
I don't know what else I can offer you,” stated Justin and he turned away and made for the bathroom, knowing he needed to leave the man on his own for a moment in order to take that all in and, hopefully, start to believe him.
Brian watched Justin's retreating back and sighed. Everything Justin had said was true.
He trusted Brian with everything and gave him everything. He held nothing back, but Brian still couldn't trust himself not to screw up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian was tired and carrying the bottle, he closed the door to Justin's studio and started to make his way upstairs to the loft for the night.
But he wasn't paying enough attention to realize there was someone coming down and as the stairs turned, there was a collision.
“Ouch!” yelled Michael, as Brian almost walked straight into him.
“I wondered where you'd gotten to,” stated the other man, but Brian didn't hear him as all he was now conscious of was losing his grip on the bottle, which hit the stone step and shattered into a million pieces.
“I'm sorry ..
. is that the bottle you had on your shelf?” asked Michael, but he didn't get an answer as slowly, very slowly, Brian dropped to his knees.
“No ...
no ...
” cried Brian and he frantically started to search among the pieces, not caring that he was tearing his fingers to a bloody mess on the shards of glass. But there was no sign of Justin.
“Brian .
.. what are you doing?
”
“Christ ...
look at your hands ...
Brian ...
”
“Brian!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Brian ..
.”
“BRIAN ..
.”
With a start, Brian opened his eyes and sat bolt upright and then a hand was placed on his shoulder.
“Are you okay?
”
Brian's breathing was rapid and shallow, perspiration was running off him and he thought he was about to have a heart attack, his heart was beating so fast.
“It's okay ..
.
“You had a bad dream ..
. that's all,” Justin tried to reassure him, rubbing his back. Brian turned to look at him and without saying anything, got up from the bed and grabbed his robe and made for the bathroom.
Justin heard the man throw up and then flush the toilet and even in the low light, he could see how pale Brian's complexion still was as he walked passed the bed and made his way down to the living room, where he poured himself out a shot of Beam which Brian downed in one.
Grabbing his own robe, Justin followed him and putting on the lamp, found Brian staring out of the window into the night and the wailing of a police siren could be heard in the distance.
“It was just a bad dream,” Justin repeated, going over to him and gently placing his hand in the small of Brian's back.
“You're shaking ...
Brian?” But still Brian couldn't speak and Justin was starting to get anxious.
“Brian .
.. you're scaring me .
.. what's wrong .
.. can't you tell me?
” and reaching up, he stroked Brian's cheek.
“You're sweating ..
. and you're burning up ..
. should I get a doctor?” asked Justin but Brian shook his head.
“I don't need a doctor ...
” stated Brian and slowly, he made his way to the sofa and sat down. Justin waited for him to continue and when he didn't, went over to him and knelt down beside him, putting his hand on Brian's knee.
“Whatever it is .
.. you can tell me,” Justin reassured him and now Brian looked at him; staring into his eyes.
A gaze which held such concern and eagerness to help. A gaze full of love and promise that everything would be okay.
“I dreamt .
.. I thought I'd lost you .
..” stated Brian quietly and his eyes glistened in the shadows and reaching out, he cupped Justin's cheek in his hand.
“And I don't ever want to lose you,” came the choked whisper.
The dream had seemed so real; as if he were living it. He thought Justin was gone forever.
His one chance at love, snatched away for good before he'd had a chance to admit to himself and to Justin how he really felt. Justin was offering him a chance at something he thought he'd never have; would never want until now and now he couldn't deny it any longer.
“I love you,” and the words were so quiet, Justin struggled to hear them and he blinked with surprise as Brian reached out and drew Justin into him.
“I love you,” Brian repeated again and Justin nuzzled into his neck and curled up against him.
To be continued.
With many, many thanks to both Lois and Judy.