WHAT to watch on Friday night - the vegetables on BBC2 or the vegetables on Channel 4? It's a dimella.
Turnip-like family from hell - the Goodies - have completely ruined this year's Celebrity Big Brother.
To such an extraordinary extent that the Beeb has an unlikely hit on its hands. The meddling idiots at CBB are reeling after being trounced in the ratings by Grow Your Own Veg.
How humiliating!
But let's face it - human Niagara Falls Jade, her revolting mother Jackiey and her nice-but-dim grandparents have been a tawdry TV turn-off. Now I hear they're drafting in Jade's best friend from Ireland Lip O'Suction.
Talking of people who are ruining the show: Could Davina get any worse!
When one-armed bandit Jackiey Budden was inevitably kicked out at the first possible opportunity, Foghorn McCall's post-eviction "interview" was pathetic.
Sporting a new dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards look, dozy Davina was so incapable of dealing with the motor- mouth reject she lost her way completely. "Jackie!
Shush for one second," bellowed the harassed host before desperately trying to fill the gap with the utterly pointless: "Crikey, it's all going completely mad."
By Friday Davina had returned to wearing one of her weird wicked witch outfits. Gurning, shouting, twitching, forgetting her lines while doing lousy Leo Sayer impressions, mad McCall brought nothing to the party - yet again.
I'll say this one more time: Davina - you're not funny.
Nor is the still-fat Goody girl. Bringing her back was a massive mistake.
Ooh wasn't it saucy as the surgically-improved former Miss Piggy staged that sordid little fiddling session with her moronic boyfriend Jack Twit? No. It was so grubby I felt like taking a shower.
After tosser Tweed stylishly pleasured himself between the sheets, Jade's loving response was worthy of Romeo and Juliet.
"You f***ing just did that all over me," she hissed as the other horrified housemates tried their best to sleep. There's nothing wrong with underclass vulgarity.
That's what Big Brother's all about.
But scumbag behaviour isn't necessarily interesting. And, as Jack might say, here's the rub - Jade and her chums are as dull as ditchwater.
They're certainly infinitely more boring than dazzling drunk Donny Tourette and curmudgeonly Ken Russell - the best two contestants who walked out rather than share the house with the gruesome Goody gang. Not much of a swap was it?
We were also shortchanged when - realising he was so horrible appalled viewers were sure to evict him - pint-sized prat Leo Sayer quit the show in a foul- mouthed rage.
Ludicrous Leo's expletive-ridden exit meant that my friend and fellow Sunday Mirror columnist Carole Malone had to go. Which was a shame because, thanks to her big heart and her common sense, she was faring well.
"F** off," stormed Sayer to security guards after smashing through the door with a shovel, "Don't touch me you bastard.
This is f***ing bullsh*t. I'm going to leave this f***ing stupid country and get the hell out of here."
Gee, we're really going to miss you!
A-grade git Leo - who seems to think he's the new Elvis Presley - was by far the nastiest Big Brother participant ever. Obsessed with his self-styled status as the world's biggest star, he dismissed w***er Jack and dog (breeder) Jo O'Meara because they weren't "proper celebrities". Like he is!
If has-been Sayer's career wasn't over before he disgraced himself in CBB - it is now.
Back in TV's house of horror, most of the week's non-action was blotted out as Jade tried to prove what a lovely person she is by theatrically sobbing over other people's misfortunes and acting like an over grown girl guide.
"Dirk" she simpered, "Could you give half your whisky to Jo because Jo likes whisky as well?
" "No" said Dirk, fed up with the tedious caring, sharing mentality you have adopt if you want to win Big Brother. Which Jade does.
Meanwhile Cleo, "44", declared: "You should never tell anyone your age - because people make assumptions.
" Carole agreed.
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