I used to post the same blog here and on my MySpace page. For various reasons I had ceased doing so but now I feel it was not just a good idea, it's the way I should do it. A lot has taken place since July, '06.
Here it is...
[04 Jan 2007 | Thursday]
3:01 AM - How Will This Turn Out?
Current mood: a small piece of the big city
Category: a small piece of the big city Life
I wrote that it was a full moon the other night. I guess technically the full moon (100%) was tonight.
The moon was 99% last night and I think 96% the other. I believe it's odd for the moon to be so "full" for three straight days. Then again I believe in a lot of things.
My landlord gave me $300.00 off my February rent. I thought that I'd have to buy new carpet for my old studio but he is giving me my deposit back.
A strange dilemma arose this evening. A friend wanted to meet for drinks at the 500 Club after work. I was unsure if it was "too soon" to go to my ex's place of ill repute.
I laughed for a moment at the irony. You see, I had been 86'd from the 500 Club prior to her and I dating. She told me that we had to go to "the 5" and see her friends, sister, etc.
.. I told her that I wasn't allowed there.
She assured me that if I was with her, I would be fine. As life is, I eventually began to meet my friends there as well, now I wondered just how welcome I would be. What had she told her friends, her circle, of me?
How much would they believe? Did anyone even give a shit? Would anyone blink or would it just be another night at "the 5"?
I chickened out at the last minute. I saw her car as I passed by on 16th St., that was all the convincing I needed.
Maybe next week.
My friend and I instead met at the Treat St. bar.
Goddamn that place is depressing. I did win a free PBR though. I guessed the 5 of hearts.
I just don't want the awkwardness of it all. I mean what's done is done. I'm bitter and I don't know what the fuck she is.
Mostly I just want to get on with life. Maybe next week. If he asks to meet there next week I will and I'm sure it'll be fine.
Jesus I hate this shit.
©2006
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[03 Jan 2007 | Wednesday]
1:24 AM - Absolutely Real.
Current mood: Let's cut the bullshit.
Category: Let's cut the bullshit. Life
This afternoon I went into my phone and read the text I'd sent my ex girlfriend late New Year's Eve while riding Caltrain home. I must say, I'm pretty proud of my letter.
For starters, everything was spelled correctly and considering the fact that I could barely hold my own head up, that's pretty impressive. Let's be honest here, that's what this blog is all about. I am bitter towards her for these reasons, she asked me to support her through her crisis, I tried and she gradually treated me worse and worse.
I had forgiven the lies and manipulations she had committed against me over the previous year (just read the older blog entries). I attributed the erratic behavior, poor judgement and lies to her abuse of cocaine. By now though she was making me out as a potentially violent, anti-social, jealous, controlling man with a short temper.
I had to run from this situation for obvious reasons. I loved her. I believed her when she told me she wanted a better life.
If she needed time, rehab or whatever I was willing to stand behind her. Instead she consistently chose cocaine over every other option. Even when she did manage to get in a full weeks worth of work she only looked forward to the upcoming binge.
It was impossible for me to just have dinner and a few drinks with her because inevitably cocaine would come into the conversation. I found myself behaving like a priest just so that I could provide some guidance. Whenever she was out without me I would start to worry because I knew that by the time I got done with work she would be high and wouldn't want to come home.
I am bitter because I feel betrayed. This is the text, directly from my "sent" folder on my cell phone:
"You blew it. You've blown it so bad and you know it.
It sucks to be a cokehead and the effect you have is real. I loved you, i believed you and you chose a substance over me. Do you think i miss that?
No, i miss what could have been. Even though tonight was perfect, fuck you."
What I wrote wasn't uncalled for, it was absolutely real.
©2006
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[02 Jan 2007 | Tuesday]
1:23 PM - What's So Funny? You Think I'm Funny? Funny ha-ha?
Category: Life
"When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him."
- Thomas Szasz
I think that we all pretty much have established that.
My DSL came today, I'm back to civilized life.
.. It's a full moon tonight and I'm off to work, should be fun.
..
©2006
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[01 Jan 2007 | Monday]
2:53 PM - Uncalled For.
Current mood: what a nice day.
Category: what a nice day. Life
I woke up today with a terrible hangover.
I threw up then found a spot on the deck in the sun, laid down and went to sleep. I woke up again around one o'clock. I made veggie samosas, ate some dolmas and drank Diet Coke.
I feel much better.
I received a text around 2:pm. I guess during the train ride home last night I texted my ex girlfriend.
I basically drove the nail in a little further. What I absolutely do not remember is leaving her a voice mail. I wonder what I said, if it's even intelligible.
.. As I was about to write, about 2:pm she texted me back stating that my comments were uncalled for.
I couldn't help but chuckle. Of course they were, everything is uncalled for. Putting my head in the sand would also be uncalled for.
I clearly had something to get off my chest and I did, I don't regret that nor will I feel guilty for it. Sitting on a train at 1:am full of drunks on New Years Eve is a time for reflection isn't it?
Maybe my sarcastic humor isn't one of my more admirable qualities but I seem to think the evening was kind of funny.
I ended up at a bar I hadn't even considered before eight o'clock that evening, I began the new year with otherwise unlikely people and never saw anyone I had initially planned to meet that evening. Here's a photo.
I guess that's about as random as a night could be.
So is it so strange that I swung at the broken piniata as I kicked my feet into the air?
I feel good.
©2006
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[31 Dec 2006 | Sunday]
3:00 AM - The Burden.
NYE '07. Fight.
Current mood: char marks
Category: char marks Life
Ok, as we have established, I moved.
Unfortunately my ISP has not moved with me. Earthlink seemed to be a thorn in my side, a burden if you will. As a result I've ordered internet access via AT T, in the meantime I'm stuck with dial up bullshit.
The only problem is I have yet to receive my wireless modem via UPS. I'm like a man who can go anywhere he wants as long as he crawls there. Ugh, this is frustrating.
UPS! YOUR GOD HAS FORSAKEN ME!
In the meantime, I stretch on my floor, it feels good.
I've heard reasons, I know what I've done and why. I'm not satisfied but I am happy. Indeed.
There obviously is something unique occurring, I just am not exactly sure what to do with it. Let no one misunderstand, this is so simple it's disgusting.
Have you seen "10 Items or Less" on TBS?
I'm lovin' that show. Got it in my TiVo..
.
It's NYE '07. What will happen tonight?
I know what I am, who I am and why I am. I know what I cannot live with. I know what tragedy is.
I know what I want. I know how to lose. I know how to stand up.
I know how to lie. I know how to look in the mirror. I know how to cry.
I fall. Over and over again, I fall. My legs are a little weaker every time but goddamn it, I have to get up.
I have to do it by myself. Where will I walk to?
Success is undefinable.
It's like a snowflake.
I'll put my face there, just to survive but my soul is in a higher place. That's where hope is.
Lights out.
©2006
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[29 Dec 2006 | Friday]
1:17 PM - I Woke Up and Thought I Almost Went to Work.
Current mood: that haunting
Category: that haunting Life
To what lengths?
This place never heard so much laughter, simultaneous with murder.
I woke up with a headache and a strange smell. Nothing.
Remedy.
I don't know, maybe I never will. I guess there are demons that just won't die.
Bringing types around, kill the time.
Life is far too complicated, more complicated than even I can make it. I'm tired of dealing with it.
I want to sit here, watch the sun and listen to silence. The days can be very heavy.
I have, no I NEED to go to the City today and go through those goddamned metal detectors, today is the final day.
.. Get up, get wet, dry off and go already.
.. Ok, ok, ok.
..
©2006
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[28 Dec 2006 | Thursday]
2:39 AM - The Random Thoughts of Confusion and a Fear of Sleep.
Current mood: maybe it's because the TiVo's not hooked u
Category: maybe it's because the TiVo's not hooked u Life
What the fuck? I don't get it. I'm not trying to be a wisacre, I just don't get it.
I know what I am and what I'm not. I'm comfortable with that, most of the time. Most of the time I can think pretty clearly.
I don't know. I don't have anything dramatic to insert here. There's just space.
I'll sleep.
I dreamt this morning that I was standing above the flooded city. I was in a stadium, it too had flooded.
There was a train tunnel, it was flooded but a train came out of it. I was determined to photograph the scene. A flooded city, the mad water had rushed the stadium, only on these high decks was there a dry place for us to stand on.
I wanted to get the entire scene into the shot so I needed to climb a stone wall. At the top of the wall I balanced myself, it was barely wide enough for me to get my feet onto. I teetered back and forth, side to side, all the while hanging onto my camera with my right hand.
She shouted up for me to be careful, she was far below, at the base of a very tall flag pole. I hadn't wrapped the strap of my camera around my wrist, instead I had to grip the camera with my right fist. My left hand occasionaly was able to reach out to the top of the flag pole every time I teetered forward.
I pushed myself backward, trying to balance on top of this wall, stories above any surface, above mad water. If I felll I would surely die but this picture was so very important. I tried to snap it while teetering and swaying.
I gripped the camera inside my fist so I snapped the photo with my thumb. I tried to peer at the digital screen but noticing the height made me afraid and less balanced. I kept trying to get that great shot, all the while she shouted that I was doing it wrong and begging me not to fall.
I teetered. The anxiety made me sweat, I was afraid the camera would slip through my wet fist. When I teetered forward to that tall pole my now wet fingers were less effective against it every time.
I became more and more dependent on my own balance in order to stay on top of this wall. Everytime I swayed or took another shot I'd get a glimpse of my peril and became more unstable. She shouted to me but I was so focused I could no longer laugh off her concern or ask her to stop.
I had become focused on trying to stay on top of this wall and getting this fucking picture. It would be the best and only I could do it. I decided that the only way I could do this would be to look straight up at the sky.
I woke up this morning in a panic, sweating and I couldn't speak. My fingers digging into the mattress, I was hanging on with every bit of strength I had. No bullshit.
©2006
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[25 Dec 2006 | Monday]
11:57 PM - A Jew and a Christian Walk Out of a Bar...
Current mood: Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Category: Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Life
Somehow a Jew satisfied the spirit of Christmas.
How California? Ethnic diversity. A Mediteranian thing?
Oh, think not minds of those not inside, this is simple. Life presents the challenge and somehow I seem to face them head on. The funny part is that I seem to usually win.
My wins are more defined than my losses. Oh, I've literally landed on my face but when I finally woke up, not only did I stand up, I conquered. "You turned away, and you're back for more.
" Was that a lyric from the Sunset Strip?
I don't know. Really.
I do. Yes.
©2006
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[24 Dec 2006 | Sunday]
2:51 PM - I'm Moved and Moving.
A subscriber brought the words out of me better than I could ever repeat them. The blog wasn't about me but this paragraph was. "I just got off the phone with a person that inspired my truth.
He writes and I read it. I read it because it is real in the moment and reflects the core of who he is. He is hidden behind knowing.
A word scrambler like me would say that and that he is clothed by his own soul. He says he never deletes what he writes because it is the journey he can look back and know no matter what the up and downs are he is alive. His strategy for personal empowerment is how he looks back and grasps what brings on the pain and in change avoids recreating the past.
"
Thank you. I've tried so many times to desperately explain myself to those in my life who have been offended by my literary vomit. I've asked those close to not read my blog because it is simply a reaction.
It exists solely to remind me of what I felt and why. I share it because I feel like there are other people who have the same feelings at different points in life. Life is not always what we want it to be.
There are periods of frustration, times of self doubt and lapses in judgement. So what? Why shouldn't I remember the bad days as well as the good days?
I don't wallow in misery, I don't look forward to confrontation. I appreciate serenity. I realize that the moment I'm in was created by will and that will determins the next experience.
I guess an exception would be the fuckin' weather. It is far too cold and gray. Enough already.
I'm almost entirely moved into my new apartment, I slept in it last night for the first time. I wish I could remember what it was like. My buddy Jack knocked me out cold.
It was fun though, there was the pal who helped get the heavy stuff up the stairs and the phone call we all shared for over an hour discussing religion. Three drunks, a phone and God. How Christmas like.
Eventually we ordered pizza.
I'm moving all the small crap now, the stuff that goes into bags and boxes. I carry them up three flights of steps then walk back down until the old studio is empty.
I think I'll just end up throwing most of the small shit away, it won't make it upstairs.
©2006
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[22 Dec 2006 | Friday]
2:18 AM - Every Inch is More.
Current mood: this is the easy part
Category: this is the easy part Life
The winner never wins.
The championship is elusive, so it feels. Do you understand what "settling" means?
©2006
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[21 Dec 2006 | Thursday]
3:34 AM - Run For Life
Current mood: God Send Death
Category: God Send Death Life
Crusher.
I wielded the sword and broke many necks only to discover that I was wasting time. The heads amounted to nothing because they were empty. The emotion was in the torso, in the heart.
The mind was only a conduit. It brought life to that dying feeling. By fighting I broke my feast and now I am starving, I'm fucked and standing alone naked but my flesh is pride.
When I die maybe it will be in vein but goddamn it, I died because that's how I wanted it. I decide. I decide what happens in here.
"I will you won't you want me to make you
I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you
Tell me tell me tell me the answer
You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer ".
-Written by Paul McCartney and John Lennon
©2006
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[20 Dec 2006 | Wednesday]
1:54 AM - You Fucking Asshole.
Current mood: LIVID!
Category: LIVID! Romance and Relationships
How can someone be so perfectly stupid? How can someone who I ditched almost a week ago still fuck up my day by sticking there goddamned nose where it doesn't belong?
She is physically stealing what memories I'm trying to savour. She's lucky I don't go to the police. I've had such great days and that psychopath entered my apartment without my consent and took a gift she had given me for my birthday TWO Septembers back.
It was a beautiful, framed picture of her. What a fucking asshole..
. Should I use the "c" word? No.
She's not that intelligent. I'm furious. I'm so stupid.
If she'd stick her nose in her own business as much as she does everyone else's she would have a better understanding of boundaries. She doesn't know boundaries and that's why I left her. Apparently I need to move to another FUCKING COUNTRY in order to demonstrate what "don't use your keys to go into my apartment" means.
Fucking hell. I came home all nice and content, ready to make some Christmas cards. I need to wake up in 7 hours and now I'm all fuckin' hyped up.
What fucking bullshit! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!
©2006
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[19 Dec 2006 | Tuesday]
1:38 PM - Focused Mother Fucker.
Current mood: Fuck yeah!
Category: Fuck yeah! Life
I've had my eye on the prize ever since December, 2003.
I nailed that shit today! I'm moving! My reputation means something!
!! Yesterday I spoke with a producer from a NPR affiliate in the City, she wants to use me for her radio program, that's a big maybe.
Today I got a sweet NEW (literally new) apartment with a view of the San Francisco Bay. This is certain, I'm going to open my eyes every morning and the first thing I'll see is everything from San Bruno Mountain south to Redwood City and east to Mt. Diablo.
.. All that and a garage, not a garage space but a fucking garage!
I'm leaving the "Batcave". Oh yeah, there was something else. Oh, I almost forgot, a newspaper in the City is considering my blog for the online edition of their paper (another maybe).
.. I know, lots of tentatives, don't get crazy.
The point is the opportunities exist, I created those opportunities and I love how this feels. Not bad this early in the week..
.
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[18 Dec 2006 | Monday]
1:15 AM - Jesus, I'm a Fuckin' Mess.
Current mood: I feel like a hollow log
Category: I feel like a hollow log Life
"Ow, I feel bad, I feel mean
I'm up and down and in between
On the bottle, I'm on the line
I'm up and feeling fine"
-Def Leppard, "High and Dry".
It was a long night. My buddy wanted to blow off some steam. I wanted to go home.
We ended up in the basement of an after hours nightclub in SoMa with a woman named Pamela. Pamela thought that we were investors. She was trying to sell us a nightclub.
I guess it didn't matter that at no point did we imply that we were there to do anything other than just be somewhere. We were too high to go home. I guess that made us businessmen.
The sun was peeking out when I backed into my carport. I was high and dry. I hadn't had a drink since 3:am but I sure wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon.
That's when the gigantic (I'm not exageratting) bottle of Jack began pouring. At some point I passed out. When I finally awoke I was surprised to find that I was still alive.
My apartment now has a new coat of slime...
People more selfless than I have kept me in a good place. Now I just have to believe everything that happens. I'm gonna shake it off, walk outside tommorow, stronger than I was yesterday.
Can I put myself to bed?
©2006
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[16 Dec 2006 | Saturday]
4:04 AM - Waking Up Will Only Be a Curse
Current mood: fuck.
Category: fuck.
Life
I don't want to anymore, I don't want to anymore. I just don't fucking want to. Drops of shattered glass rain down.
The stabbing of the mob before me leaves splatters of blood upon the shadows of those who start to run. Does the chosen one survive this holocaust? Maybe the one one who is too stupid to comprehend the gravity of this tragedy will be the one who stays alive.
Don't stare at me as though I've commited sin against you. I have only told you the truth. Satan laughs not at the sinner but at the man who wastes his time attempting to save the lost children.
My head quivers and quakes because of the spasms within my simple mind. I thrash about with an anger that can only be described as hypnotic. The rage cannot be curbed.
It is based in terror. In the belief that my horrors are real. I am the monster I am most afraid of.
I am posessed by the fate I have wished upon my nemesis. I am dead. I am hopeless.
Death will be my salvation and when I fall asleep waking up will only be a curse.
©2006
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[15 Dec 2006 | Friday]
3:26 AM - Broken Mother Fucker.
Current mood: my head is full of birds
Somewhere along the way I bcame so corrupted.
I collapsed, I rose, I collapsed again. Repeat over and over again. From brutal to numb.
I've been in many a place but none of them ever prepare me for that punch. The one where I realize that someone wants me to look bad. That place where a person you put your faith in betrays you in the worst way.
Liars. That's waht kills me. When the person who I expect to have my back betrays that trust, when they accuse me of being a monster I could never be.
When they manipulate me to the point that I don't really believe the man in the mirror is myself. Fuck them. Let them wallow in the steaming pool of shit they are trying to drown me in.
Does this sound like the ramblings of a crazy man? Does a crazy man know when he's been played? I know that I'm not crazy.
I know that I was played. Someone, again, mistook my kindeness for stupidity. Truth is obvious.
It's the lies that one has to search for. The truth has told me about the compulsive lie that exuded from between her lips.
I know that I resent her and that's why I'm here.
I would never puncture the heart of one of my own. No matter the expense.
Ruthless occured.
I drove to the City three times last night. Strange goins on. Yet another play for position has occured but I am not looking for her rules.
I have some that I've picked up along the way here.
$copy2006$;
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[14 Dec 2006 | Thursday]
5:16 AM - I'm Single Again.
Category: Romance and Relationships
What happens when a psychotic coke whore tries to manipulate you into submission and you resist?
You come home to a brand new coktail shaker. That's right, I came home to the unexpected. The whiskey and coke was waiting at my door.
A sign form God? Oh hell yeah!
In case you don't understand, I dumped looney tunes, drove home and found a fresh cocktail at the door.
Life has a way of making sure you survive the bullshit. Tonight God was right there along side of me from begining to end. I'm single agian and it will be difficult but you know what?
I came home to a whiskey and coke!
The signs were all around me tonight. The people telling me that she's an asshole, the people over the previous 16 months telling me she's an asshole.
The assholes telling me she's an asshole and finally, me deciding she's an asshole. I dumped the bitch..
I am single, I will miss her tight little ass but not for long. After all, a cocktail was waiting for me when I got home. How bad can this be?
So to one fuckin' lying cunt. A bitch who will show up and present the world but only deliver the hopes of a failure, go fuck yourself. Take all the bullshit you ever fed me and choke on it.
I'll miss the good times but then again, I can find a chick that wants to fuck anywhere. It's love that's the challenge. Sorry to burn a bridge but it's the only way to get across it and stay there.
© 2006
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[10 Dec 2006 | Sunday]
7:47 PM - Just Say No.
Current mood: listening to my own music, that's just wrong.
Category: listening to my own music, that's just wrong.
Life
The trouble has begun. I will soon find myself attempting to fight my way out of a grave I dug by myself. I am.
Oh yes I am.
I'm a bit hungover. The first Christamas party last night, all the usual suspects.
The ususal trouble. I try to jump into the pot of boiling water whenever I can. It's the scalding I don't like.
I have to find a way to fuck this up. Something must be wrong..
.
I've re-discovered the value of honest communication.
Distraction is cheap.
I regret some of my previous posts but they were emotions of the moment. They are relevant to the story. I only regret the illusion they may create and who might be hurt.
There are no devils by my side. I'm seldom in perfect synchronicity with anyone or anything so let's keep perspective.
What is painted on my blog is a reactionary man.
There are more sides to me, I just don't feel like writing about them here.
I have to go.
©2006
American Cities That Best Fit You:
60% San Francisco
55% Los Angeles
55% San Diego
50% Chicago
50% Honolulu
Which American Cities Best Fit You?
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[07 Dec 2006 | Thursday]
1:10 PM - Not Associated.
Current mood: my back is stiff
Category: my back is stiff Religion and Philosophy
I spend a lot of time thinking. There's a lot to think about, I mean the end is near right?
My therapist tells me I should write. If she only knew.
I've been assigned positive affirmations.
I think therapy is a great thing but mostly it's just learning to tolerate the stupid. Stand in my shoes and tell me I'm wrong. I'm essentially learning how not to get angry with people who can't commit the simplest of tasks.
I lucky to have someone who cares more than me. Balance.
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[30 Nov 2006 | Thursday]
2:36 AM - The Link is Strained
Current mood: not angry but everything else
Category: not angry but everything else Romance and Relationships
It started tonight and it won't be over before Sunday.
I am not going to be here with a net. Find me if you can. Monday is the reason I'm in the waiting room.
The number will be called and if I don't get what I have been waiting for I'll have to begin looking elsewhere.
©2006
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[28 Nov 2006 | Tuesday]
1:23 AM - Dead?
Current mood: get me the fuck outta here
Category: get me the fuck outta here Life
I'm so fucking upset.
Why? I'm on a roller coaster. The engine is made of drugs and alcohol, it burns faith and trust.
I'm fucking sick. I'm not even getting laid, nothing, nothing is left for me but the goddamned frustration of trying to have a good life. I put my money on a 99/1 with long legs.
Every time I think she's about to gain a few lengths she falls back. Do you know what this is like?
Can I explain how frustrating it is, how painful and sad it is to watch someone who has it made just completely piss it away?
I'm there. I've watched and I keep watching. I'm so tired of this frustration.
I'm tired of acting like I have to defend responsibility. Priorities aren't a burden, they make life.
There's a song by Hatebreed, Defeatist:
"Trapped within your own apathy
Spiraling into a cycle of loss
Beaten mind with a bruise reflection
It's addiction to failure and substances
That ties you to your selfish punishment.
In your eyes it's cursed.
No fix, no cure, tortured with imperfection
Your hatred is aimless.
This is my hatred, this is my vow
Never to be broken
Cause you "hate" your self
And you "hate" this world,
And you "hate" the fact
That you "hate" every moment
Defeatist, you and I will never be the same!
I've taken this vow of hatred, "Take the vow"
A promise to myself to never be my own defeatist
This is my hatred, this is my vow
Never to be broken "
This place is difficult, I know how weak I can be but I have a position, I need this. I need to hold this ground.
©2006
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[27 Nov 2006 | Monday]
12:13 AM - 9:45AM, Every Day.
Current mood: it is STILL raining.
Category: it is STILL raining. Life
I went to Bay Meadows yesterday to watch some horses, lose some money, have a couple of beers and maybe see Russell Baze become the winningest jockey in thoroughbred racing history.
I took some pics, see them here. Afterward I went up to the City to check out the San Francisco International Auto Show. I took a few pics of the Camaro concept car which is rumored to be coming out in late 2007.
I also got some shots of the new Toyota Camry NASCAR and the '07 Monte Carlo SS. If I was going to buy a new car that would be my choice unless I could afford the Corvette Z06.
I had drinks with a couple of friends at a bar on California and Hyde streets while I waited for my girlfriend to call me from work.
She and I decided to meet for dinner at Shalimar then we went to her place. I feel like life is making that curve and I'm heading in the right direction. The confidence I'm feeling since resuming therapy makes all the difference.
I hadn't been to therapy in years, I think what I need even more than a therapist is just quality peers. It's so easy to get sucked into living a shitty life when no matter how shitty you're doing you're still doing better than most of the people around you. If that's fact or perception isn't relevant as it may seem.
The bottom line is we all need guidance. Someone who will tell us the truth even when it's difficult. That's what's so great about the therapist, I go in, I'm honest with her and she's honest with me.
I walk out of her office $90.00 poorer but in touch with reality.
©2006
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[24 Nov 2006 | Friday]
1:22 PM - Turkeys and Cocktails.
Current mood: thinking about the Auto Show.
Category: thinking about the Auto Show. Life
First, lyrics by the Talking Heads, "Road to Nowhere";
"Well we know where were goin
But we dont know where weve been
And we know what were knowin
But we cant say what weve seen
And were not little children
And we know what we want
And the future is certain
Give us time to work it out
Were on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin that ride to nowhere
Well take that ride
Im feelin okay this mornin
And you know,
Were on the road to paradise
Here we go, here we go
Chorus
Maybe you wonder where you are
I dont care
Here is where time is on our side
Take you there.
..take you there
Were on a road to nowhere
Were on a road to nowhere
Were on a road to nowhere
Theres a city in my mind
Come along and take that ride
And its all right, baby, its all right
And its very far away
But its growing day by day
And its all right, baby, its all right
They can tell you what to do
But theyll make a fool of you
And its all right, baby, its all right
Were on a road to nowhere".
We had Thanksgiving dinner at Lefty O'Doul's, off Union Square, in the City. We followed that with drinks at the Gold Dust Lounge, the 500 Club and the Hearth. It was almost an ideal evening in that I truly enjoyed every moment of it.
The best part was where it concluded. Hasn't it been said that the end justifies the means?
My brother disappeared, we would have loved to hear from him.
Pics here.
©2006
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[19 Nov 2006 | Sunday]
11:56 PM - What Color Are the Devil's Eyes?
Current mood: believe what you feel
Category: believe what you feel Romance and Relationships
I am that guy.
The man who knows his dream, not a dreamer. I know that I am not misguided or expecting too much. To take liberty with a borrowed phrase, I want the best, I get the best.
I have one shot and I am not going down in flames. I've accepted so many lies and manipulations not because I'm a fool, but because I'm bred of strength and will. Not a winner but a conquerer, for even those who cannot tolerate me call my name in their dark hour.
I don't hit low, I hit where it's felt. I am a proud soul. I don't shop at Goodwill, I don't eat at McDonald's and I won't take what other men have left behind.
©2006
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4:25 PM - Undefinable
Current mood: hanging out.
Category: hanging out. Life
It looks like a simple route from here.
Today was certainly simple.
NASCAR Ford 400. Jimmie Johnson won the championship, my number 29 didn't.
The 49er's once again, looked like a real football team. I thought I was supposed to go to Bay Meadows afterward but the date on my ticket is Sunday the 26th of November, not Sunday, November 19th..
. I guess I'll hang out, work on my truck then maybe go have a couple of beers.
Beers, this issue came up last night.
When does the fun stop? I want to discuss this in an almost clinical manor. I think typically people get into drinking and drugs because they want to participate in a social scene.
Unfortunately I find that I'm trying to defend myself because I don't enjoy talking with a bunch of coked up drunks. Actually, it's work. I have to pretend I care about non-sense, I have to pretend that mumbo jumbo is intelligible.
I have to act like I'm not disturbed by people drooling on themselves, chewing on their own tongue or obsessing over inane bullshit. It's work. I feel like a nurse in a home full of characters from the movie Hellraiser.
I've been guilty of being the coked up drunk, for the aforementioned motive, I wanted to participate in a social scene.
Eventually people get into a social scene so they can participate in drinking and drugs. That scene is too demanding of me.
That scene causes me to lose track of my thoughts and emotions and to question logic. Other symptoms include irregular sleep patterns, premature aging, driving while under the influence (which isn't just tolerated it's as normal as breathing), bad judgement, missed work days and excessive loss of cash. I can't sustain that lifestyle.
I just cannot do it. I shouldn't be in a position where I'm having to defend the idea that I want to be healthy. I want to listen to my mind and body and I can be everything I've ever wanted to be.
Is that so bad?
Many of us were rebellious youth. Some of that youthful rebellion seems to have been carried too far into maturity by some people.
I think many have forgotten why they became so rebellious. I suspect that most of the rebellion was against the status quo, now they are the status quo.
I am not a new age, peace and love type.
I'm not a religious zealot. I hate "nice music", I'm an aggressive person and I love my masculinity. Being happy doesn't mean that I don't care about the environment.
It doesn't mean that I'm not an individual. Getting up early doesn't make me a suit and tie guy any more than staying awake for 48 hours on cocaine make me a rebel. I can be a vegetarian AND own a gun.
I am nothing if not an individual, a rebel by destiny.
Many of my generation seem to be sort of stuck. When I was a teenager, I remember the 30 something's.
I thought they were repulsive. They were so wrapped up in their movements and protests. They spoke of bands like Jefferson Airplane and The Grateful Dead.
They seemed completely out of touch. I didn't know the difference between the Vietnam War and the Korean War until I was 20, all the previous generation's efforts appeared to have had no effect on me. I rebelled by listening to heavy metal and punk rock.
I drove a fast and loud car, I dropped out of school. I tried so hard to be the opposite of the hippies. So many of my generation now remind me of that generation I so despised, stuck in a time and a mindset.
Stalled in the muck of grunge trying to sustain that rebellion. They were the youth, now they appear to me as outdated, bitter and depressed. The Kurt Cobain generation my friend calls us.
I look at some and I see them partying in an apartment just off campus discussing their current art projects. I see them in a parking lot at an arena before the concert. I see them slamming the door as they leave their parents home in a rage.
I wish I could see them here, in the now. They are here physically but not emotionally, instead they are still battling those demons that haunted them when they were 17. I feel sad for them.
I recently discovered the lyrics to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here". I know. Old people's stuff but I never listened to Pink Floyd as a kid.
I finally bought Dark Side of the Moon in my mid twenties, after a year I sold it. The words ring so true with me these days. A lyric that stings, "did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts".
Then my feeling that much of my generation has emotionally boxed themselves in, "did you exchange a walk on part in the war, for a leading role in a cage?"
An open mind lets one not only indulge without judgement but also to heal, to expand and be happy without guilt. This quote from F.
Scott Fitzgerald, "sometimes it's harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure".
I feel like I might lose some people. Honestly, I won't really miss most of them but there's one I want to bring home.
©2006
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[17 Nov 2006 | Friday]
9:00 PM - A Mountain That Doesn't Exist.
Current mood: watching tv
Category: watching tv Life
Occasionally some spills from here.
A new approach to an old mind, I feel comfort, happiness.
Maybe.
We soared to new heights, she had an idea, I attended but conquered little . Ok, I need another chance.
©2006
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[12 Nov 2006 | Sunday]
11:16 AM - It's Not Just Me Anymore
Current mood: why is it so cold in my apartment?
Category: why is it so cold in my apartment? Life
What?
I was.
It was a step, a forward step. Progress I think is the proper medical terminology.
Of course not.
It's how the world knocks oneself into place. I drove a friend home last night, he like myself has been doing a lot of growing up lately, it seems to be an epidemic among my circle.
He described what is occurring as "our generation is turning into butterflies". He went on to say, and I'm trying my best to paraphrase, that we were a selfish generation, indulgent in drugs and apathy. Kurt Cobain defined us.
We believed ourselves defeated and now we are realizing that we are powerful. The world is ours. We can be happy and we deserve to be.
I'm trying to get him on the phone because he described it so eloquently. Hopefully he can do so again, I'll post it.
$ 2006
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[11 Nov 2006 | Saturday]
1:36 PM - Up, Down and Around.
Current mood: watching Don Rickles on Kimmel (via TiVo).
Category: watching Don Rickles on Kimmel (via TiVo). Life
Nick and Aaron Carter.
I'm speechless. K-Fed.
My life feels pretty good right now.
I drove home from the Hearth in the City's Richmond district the other night. I took the long way, along Highway 1 past Ocean Beach, over to Pacifica and then I cut up and over through San Bruno along Highway 35 past to San Andreas Lake and down the hill home. I saw so many deer, I lost count.
It was a clear night and the views of the Pacific and the Bay were breathtaking. The view from 25th and South Van Ness last night knocked me out. Maybe, just maybe I've made the curve.
©2006
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[09 Nov 2006 | Thursday]
2:34 AM - Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.
Current mood: very disappointed
Category: very disappointed Life
Mark my words. They were spoken tonight, watch if I'm wrong.
I know what's coming and why. I have been right all along, I should have done the right thing in New York.
Walk.
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
(P.
Floyd)
©2006
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[08 Nov 2006 | Wednesday]
11:51 AM - AC/DC LIVE!
Current mood: Let There Be Rock
Category: Let There Be Rock Dreams and the Supernatural
I dreamt an entire AC/DC concert this morning. Seriously.
The show, hanging out afterward, the whole bit. They were awesome.
©2006
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[06 Nov 2006 | Monday]
1:50 AM - You Won't Believe This
Current mood: God talked to me
Category: God talked to me Religion and Philosophy
Millbrae punched me in the face, The allies held me like an injured child, protected from the demons.
The caretakers saw me to a place I had only hoped existed. If I'm not blessed then there is hope for no man. Love saw to it that I breathe and if you don't believe me, eventually you will understand.
The Gods smiled upon me tonight, the first time I've felt such inspiration since San Diego. Someone made me hope tonight, A stranger that never stood before may never again. Walk with me and you will meet the angel who saves you from yourself.
I'm alive because of my savior.
© 2006
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[05 Nov 2006 | Sunday]
5:37 PM - Band Aids the Dickies 500
Current mood: I know right from wrong
Category: I know right from wrong Life
I know wounds don't heal overnight but I don't deserve a slap in the face. Nothing big occured, but the jumping down my throat isn't helping.
I'm sincere, maybe lacking judgement, maybe emotionally out of control but sincere. Does all this mean that the bell has tolled? I'm just a dead man walking?
I'm so tired of walking through this. I'm old, I'm an adult and I know the difference between right and wrong. I'm not morally corrupt, I have a short emotional fuse.
Apples and oranges.
By the way, the Dickies 500 was awesome, I have Track Pass and was listening to Harvick's radio. Good race buddy.
Harvick was doing his job.
© 2006
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10:57 AM - Make it Through Another Day
Current mood: up for an hour and lost
Category: up for an hour and lost Life
I don't want to be that man. The man who's demons take over.
It happens every day, on the news, on tv, a man collapses. I've been there and I have too much at stake these days.
©2006
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[04 Nov 2006 | Saturday]
12:40 PM - Tik Tok.
Current mood: My wrists are hurting
Category: My wrists are hurting Life
I feel like I've been running in circles. It's not that progress hasn't been made but the truth is my feet are still in the same spot they were a week ago, if not longer. I'm sitting in the waiting room right now.
I'll be here for awhile longer, I suppose. I've read all the magazines, fortunately they have good tv here but I've watched the sun go up and down so many times.
©2006
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1:21 AM - Water.
Current mood: You've seen it
Category: You've seen it Life
No I'm not and I won't. I've become a split. Who's knocking on the door?
I can't tell the truth, I make up stories and everyone believes me. Somewhere I lost faith and I almost stopped caring. Water torture.
I can't escape from my own head. I lay in my own mind's feces.
It's about surviving.
I am so thirsty and I want to sleep.
©2006
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[03 Nov 2006 | Friday]
12:54 AM - Scattered
Current mood: it's illegal
Category: it's illegal Life
Words, actions, reactions, emotions. Somehow they never work together.
Regret is what I regret. I want the hopes of tommorow without the pains of today.
©2006
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[02 Nov 2006 | Thursday]
1:03 AM - Bullets Overflow the Chamber
Current mood: hushed
Category: hushed Life
A hair trigger squeezed by random fingers.
No one knows where the bullets will go, the gun's righteousness has been dilluted by them random fingers.
©2006
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[01 Nov 2006 | Wednesday]
10:41 AM - Beers and Pals.
Category: Life
Music from a jukebox, the man on the stool to my right sang.
"Out of the tree of life, I just picked me a plum
You came along and everything started to hum
Still its a real good bet, the best is yet to come
The best is yet to come, and wont that be fine
You think youve seen the sun, but you aint seen it shine
Wait till the warm-up is underway
Wait till out lips have met
Wait till you see that sunshine day
You aint seen nothin yet
The best is yet to come, and wont that be fine
The best is yet to come, come the day that your mine
Come the day that your mine
Im gonna teach you to fly
Weve only tasted the wine
Were gonna drain that cup dry
Wait till your charms are right, for the arms to surround
You think youve flown before, but you aint left the ground
Wait till youre locked in my embrace
Wait till I hold you near
Wait till you see that sunshine place
There aint nothin like it here
The best is yet to come, and wont that be fine
The best is yet to come, come the day that your mine"
©2006
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[31 Oct 2006 | Tuesday]
3:28 AM - Bullets of Blood
Current mood: looking for thread and a needle
Category: looking for thread and a needle Life
Everyone knows that tumbling end over end feeling I have. I'll wake up early in the morning and punch myself in the face. It's all for the health.
Don't forget that I remember what everything is like but I can't forget the bullet penetrating my skin. The blood seemed to leak slow. I swear that I watched the wound open minutes after I heard the shot.
I still hold my hand over the surprisingly small hole as though the bleeding can be stopped. Funny how I fool myself like that. A little annoyance that won't go away, called hope.
I'll punch myself, I'll fall and dream after I've blacked out. I failed, I died, I should have been so lucky.
©2006
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12:05 AM - A Broom and a Dustpan.
Current mood: my knees are buckling
Category: my knees are buckling Life
A desperate man trying to sweep together the shards of a broken dream.
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[29 Oct 2006 | Sunday]
8:06 PM - Drive Into a Wall
Category: Life
Pain and uncertainty are two of the most devastating emotions for me. I truly resent being put in this position.
©2006
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10:19 AM - Shattered
Current mood: angry and heartbroken
Category: angry and heartbroken Romance and Relationships
At 3:am the shit hit the fan. I've had my fill of flaky lies. A tale told in a bathroom stall compounded by recent bouts of depression and poor health made a mirror in which the obvious was glaring.
The pictures are down. I'm not willing to continue down the road of the disappointed. As I've boasted before, I need to continue forward, she has stifled me.
Unfortunately, she became dead weight. My future is uncertain but I know what is true today, she looked me in the eye and lied. I believed, I feel like a fool.
Absolutely unacceptable. No more excuses, no more finger pointing, just no more. Goodbye.
© 2006
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[13 Oct 2006 | Friday]
9:59 PM - On the Road Again
Current mood: Goodbye for now...
Category: Goodbye for now...
Travel and Places
I'm off, 8:30 am tommorow. Me and Ray are headed east, up over Tioga Pass. From that point on, it's mostly a list of destinations.
A night on the Eureka Valley Dunes in Death Valley, A night in Vegas (Palace Station, I'm a stockholder...
) and a night here, N 37 27.541' W 115 25.437.
This is adjacent to Groom Lake, NV.
© 2006
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[12 Oct 2006 | Thursday]
3:14 AM - Protesters Make Me Angry.
Current mood: fuck off
Category: fuck off Life
I'm fighting ignorance.
No, I'm only battling ignorance. Personally I've overcome ignorance but most people haven't. People tend to reach a specific point in life that is a sort of peak in their mind.
For example, if the college years were a persons glory days, they might get stuck there. Even though they are now nearing 40 years old, they still subscribe to the same ideals, philosophies and maybe even have the same furniture. All because they don't want to let go.
Time to move on.
Peace in my mind. I want to be able to sleep without the distant, constant sound of sirens.
The occasional gunshot or crashing of cars. The drug addict yelling at a tree because he needs a fix. The illegal immigrant pissing in my doorway.
I don't enjoy finding used needles, disposing of them then worrying that the garbage man will stick himself. I don't enjoy finding cars and trucks parked in the same blocks as me with windows shattered from the previous nights burglars or damaged from hit and run drivers. I don't want to live in a community that considers gang violence a "symptom".
None of the above should be accepted as "life in the City". I will not live that way. I am a mature man and am intolerant of bullshit.
I read today of a shopkeeper who shot a shoplifter in the back. Police said that vigilanteism is intolerable. Oh yeah?
How about shoplifting? When was the last time the cops or the government protected a shopkeeper? "Protected", not "showed up two hours after an incident" but, "p-r-o-t-e-c-t-e-d".
Never, that's the answer. People who accept this as "community" get what they deserve. Set your levels low and live low.
I am smarter than them.
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[03 Oct 2006 | Tuesday]
2:54 AM - If I Could Put Time in a Bottle
Current mood: okay
How serious am I? The Dream Machine atop the Panasonic sub speaks volumes.
This corpse was laid to rest but tomorrow keeps on coming. Choice is a fate that I hold near. I grip it intensely, never to let it go.
It drags me when I stop walking. Here now, we walk together. This is serious business, you get no second chance.
Fuck up and be done. You decide. I made my choice.
I'm fighting the war. The battlefield is filled with mirrors, reflections and regret, yet I keep walking. I wear steel toe boots.
Nothing penetrates, until I fall onto my exposed palms. Then I bleed profusely. I'm back up now, bandaged and looking forward, a bit dazed but a believer.
Get everything the fuck out of my way because I'm going to run it down.
©2006
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[19 Sep 2006 | Tuesday]
3:00 AM - Who? Look Here.
Current mood: A wall is in fornt of me. There is no window.
Category: A wall is in fornt of me.
There is no window. Life
All hell's breaking loose. You think I have control over it?
I do. I could, I would. I'll fuck it up in my favor.
I want to throw away morality and go my own way. Master. Wouldn't it be wonderful to make your own rules so you could enjoy the petty pleasures without consequence?
Who's missing anything? It's all grand until I feel slighted. "I'm not the greatest?
" It would be so luxurious to hold the throne. Oh, the luxury of power. Instead, I suffer from reason, from consequence.
Don't we all? Liars. Liars one and all.
I'm doomed to pay for my sins, that payment be the suffering of those after me. Hell this is. I've perpetuated the sins of my fathers that is why I decline to inseminate.
Oh, this is so disgusting, embarrassing and humiliating. I won't admit guilt, the thoughts are crimes on their own.
I go from 0 to 10 and I do it far too frequently.
Is it me who's misguided or is it the world. I say, the world. I say hell is too good for those who have cursed us with narrow mindedness, with jealousy, with apprehension.
Hell is a curse imposed by generations of insecurity which resulted in control. Fear. Fear will get me nothing but scared.
I miss ignorance. I miss being happy. When did negatives begin to play into my fragile mind?
I once believed and now I've gone so far that not only has the belief faded, idealism had evaded me and left me a desperate soul. I'm full of regret, maybe a Catholic guilt of sorts. I regret the wrong choices and the right ones too.
I could have done better, I could have helped more, I could have set a better example. Failure is all around me. I used to attack outward but therapy learned me good.
I'm the problem. I will always be the problem.
©2006
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[15 Sep 2006 | Friday]
4:50 AM - A Prequel to the Sequel.
Current mood: Don't bother, you've already lost.
I'm not over produced anymore. I'm keeping it real.
No, you know what? That's bullshit. The truth is simple and complexities are the like.
Pieces of wood bang against each other in the distance. Here at home? The wind drives through and whistles.
This is my deal. Peace tonight, let's assume.
©2006
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[14 Sep 2006 | Thursday]
3:53 PM - My campsite in Yolo County.
Category: Travel and Places
I'll be camping on Buck Island for my birthday. Click here to open the PDF map.
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3:30 AM - Rockstar, Super Bullshit.
Current mood: I have hiccups and whole grain wheat bread.
Category: I have hiccups and whole grain wheat bread. Movies, TV, Celebrities
Rockstar, Supernova.
The winner was Lucas. Whatever. This, the facts that I just bit the inside of my lip and global warming, are enough to make me spill lettuce and knock over cd's.
What a fuckin' embarrassing train wreck, if I may say so myself. Why was Jason Newsted on there anyway? He was about as relevant to the show as he was to Metallica.
For what it's worth, I watched this bullshit on TiVo, therefore the advertisers got nothin' from me. I can't wait for the new Survivor. Oh, don't forget, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" on FX.
That's a show worth your time.
©:2006
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[12 Sep 2006 | Tuesday]
1:37 PM - Waking Up Angry.
Current mood: trying to feel better
Category: trying to feel better Dreams and the Supernatural
I've been doing something different the past few days.
I've been waking up angry and I don't understand why. I do the usual, wake up at about 11:am but only after a series of violent, aggressive, assertive dreams. I'm so upset about being cheated from a happy sleep that I refuse to get out of bed.
I spend the next two hours getting even angrier in my dreams. I'm haunted by people who are trying to "keep me" their friends. I want to go home but they pressure and manipulate me into maintaining the relationship.
I'm not angry at them but I don't want to be their friends. I don't care about them, I just want to be left alone. The result is I become angrier and more volatile.
I normally wake up smiling. Why the change?
©2006
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[09 Sep 2006 | Saturday]
6:39 AM - Buried.
Current mood: Who really gives a shit?
Category: Who really gives a shit? Romance and Relationships
A big mouth and a little brain make for a big shovel.
©2006
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[08 Sep 2006 | Friday]
11:29 AM - Look Down.
Current mood: Here again.
Category: Here again.
Life
I put the music on and cut my head in half.
©2006
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[31 Aug 2006 | Thursday]
1:53 PM - Pics (look at me) from North Carolina.
Current mood: trying to force you to look at my vacation photos.
Category: trying to force you to look at my vacation photos. Travel and Places
I know it's been difficult but your wait is over. I have, posted on the sweet, sweet world wide web, new pics!
That's right, brand spankin' new photos from Nancy I's vacation in the NC. Caswell Beach that is. Enjoy at will.
..
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[14 Aug 2006 | Monday]
2:23 AM - Let Me Sleep and I'll Stop.
Current mood: can't keep my eyes open
Category: can't keep my eyes open Life
I am not exaggerating at all. It is so unbelievably quiet here. I mean not a peep!
Not one single car has passed by since I got home. There was the background noise of a jet taking off from SFO. That's a pleasant sound to me.
When I hear that jet engine propel that cylindrical craft upward and over South San Francisco all I think about is the possibilities. I could be on any plane if I so chose. That's a free feeling.
My girlfriend has been walking me through my new diet. Her support is unparalleled. Of course the upside is all hers right?
Nonetheless she's been exceptional. I am here alone tonight but that's because I make noise. Not the kind you can hear but the kind you can feel.
�2006
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[10 Aug 2006 | Thursday]
5:20 AM - A Tirade
Current mood: where's a hammer?
Category: where's a hammer? Romance and Relationships
The BBC World News Special is on.
They sound great on my 5:1 audio system giving me the latest about these cocksucking terrorists. In the UK it would seem that 13 British Nationals of Asian decent were plotting to bring down 20 jetliners. Fucking awesome.
Fuck them. Fuck anyone who wants to kill some random people who just so happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Fuck you if you have any sympathy for terrorists.
I don't care what your argument, philosophical perspective is or anything. Nothing. Keep your fucking opinion to yourself because you will not convince me otherwise.
On that note, that is my general mood. Mars moves closer to earth and I've grown completely intolerant of any sort of incompetence. I'm tired of drunk cokeheads steering me in the wrong direction.
Hey! Let's sit in a closed bar until 5:am talking about bullshit as though it's relevant. Let's have impassioned conversations about subjects we can't remember ten minutes from now.
Let's tell the same story for the third time, let's discuss someone else's relationship issues and pretend that alcoholism, coke addiction and irresponsible behavior are not issues!
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep building, creating and developing no matter how vain, how contemptuous, how self indulgent or compulsive I mighty be.
It beats the shit out of the aforementioned.
I'm not a barfly. I'm a man who enjoys drink.
I enjoy mental and physical stimulation. I don't give two shits about most anyone frequenting most any bar. My arrogance and self righteousness may disgust you.
I am above and beyond a drunk. A lush. A cokehead.
Indeed, I fail and fall frequently. I just don't want to make that my goal. Any asshole can work a bar.
Can flirt with drunks who's dreams are mostly unrealized and who's success is soon to be fleeting.
Forget that scene. Nothing is more interesting and stimulating than the real world.
Inhale it. Fresh trees, pollution, cars and trains making so much noise that you can't hear your cell ring. Dust, homeless, gangsters,
She said, "I'm going to try you, anyway".
Look, I'[m not going to trash her but the train only stops at the profitable stations and only for a few minutes at a time. There is an eternal track, further than I can see. This train has every intention of not only completing the entire track.
;
I'm falling asleep.
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[27 Jul 2006 | Thursday]
11:38 AM - Laying at the Bottom of a Big Rock.
Current mood: ambitious
Category: ambitious Life
There's a truck on the mountain.
Always. How many years? It is relevant to the the local fabric.
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