hecklerspray once knew a girl called - genuinely - Teresa Green. We used to make endless fun of her, until she let us feel up her top at Scott Parker s 15th birthday party. Then we went back to making fun of the kids at the local Special School instead.
Could have been worse for poor old Teresa, though. She could have shared a name with a plastic-faced, deeply unnerving mythical music recluse who hasn t made a good record in approximately twenty years. She could have been called Michael Jackson.
Of course the very fact that a girl had been called Michael would be sufficient teasing ground in itself. But you get the idea.
Posted in , on April 3rd, 2006 |
There are many things that modfather Paul Weller could apologise for.
Influencing a whole new breed of hipsters into wearing silly retro suit jacket and T-shirt combinations for one. Or maybe for continuing his career for roughly twenty years after he stopped being good.
What he should not say sorry for, however, is insinuating that he would rather partake in the act of coprophilia than engage in a musical partnership with balls-free simpering mediocrity-man James Blunt.
Or - to put it his way - claiming that he d rather eat my own shit than duet with James Blunt.
Posted in on February 20th, 2006 |
Baffingly-hyped success story Arctic Monkeys - officially the world s most mediocre band - may have shot themselves in their silly simian feet.
During a homecoming show at the Sheffield Octagon, lead muppet Alex Turner decided that it would be a good move to tell the assembled Monkey-loving crowd to fuck off.
Ironic, really. That s exactly what hecklerspray shouts whenever one of the Arctic s sub-standard Kwik Save Pulp b-side tunes starts playing within a fifty foot vicinity of the office.
Posted in on February 10th, 2006 |
Kanye West, the rapper who loves swearing at fans in hospitals (see his lyrics) has done it again.
He s grabbed the world s attention with more of his priceless tomfoolery. This time it s not for railing against the White House s predominant occupants - rather it s for fearlessly impersonating Jesus.
The Jesus impression can be seen on the cover of the next issue of Rolling Stone magazine.
On it, Kanye is wearing a crown of thorns and a one shoulder biblical-style robe. With that in mind, you should all know he pulls off much more of a Willem Dafoe-style impression than a James Caviezel.
Posted in on January 25th, 2006 |
hecklerspray has a challenge for you.
Think of something more boring than James Blunt. Go on. Try it.
Emptying a coalmine with a teaspoon, perhaps? Maybe watching a nine-hour documentary on fourteenth century Hungarian cloud formations? Or perhaps just being locked in a cupboard with only Ryvita biscuits to eat until the day you die?
Of course, there s always the chance that you re actually sigh a fan. God knows - enough people are.
Which would explain his status as favourite to sweep the board at the godawful Brit Awards next month.
Posted in on January 12th, 2006 |
President George Bush was reported to be deeply alarmed yesterday after pop star Pink announced that a song on her new album was to be a direct attack on the man himself.
The President is seriously considering stepping down, confided a close White House aide. It was bad enough when Green Day entered the political arena.
Now that Pink is involved well, this changes everything. Foreign policy, healthcare issues, the whole Iraq debate - it s all coming under the spotlight. The most revelatory thing is that
You know what?
Sometimes being sarcastic just isn t worth the effort. Let s just stick to the facts instead. Anyone remember Pink?
Posted in on January 5th, 2006 |
Well, The Smiths are kind of reforming, anyway.
Two members of the seminal Manchester pop band have announced that they will be teaming up for the first time since The Smiths split in 1987.
Disappointingly, the reunion won t be involving crazy-quiffed yelping Smiths frontman Morrissey.
The long-awaited get-together will instead feature bassist Andy Rourke and legendary guitarist Johnny Marr - a man whose fingers are so dexterous he reminds hecklerspray of that strange stretchy monster-bloke in an early episode of The X-Files.
In a good way.
Posted in on December 14th, 2005 |
Ah, the spirit of Christmas.
Mince pies, midday hangovers and soul-sapping depression at the very thought of yet another year being on the horizon.
And - of course - the added joy of a song that nobody likes riding to the top of the charts like a novelty speedway-driving monkey.
The question is: what song will be Christmas Number One this year?
And will you be able to hear it more than two times without wanting to slash your wrists within thirty-five milliseconds of the opening chords?
Posted in on October 20th, 2005 |
Oh, thank god for that.
Rod Stewart - a man whose cover version of Primal Scream s Rocks managed the astonishing feat of being even worse than the original - has finally decided to hang up his pub-rocking boots once and for all.
According to that bird he s knocked up, anyway.
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